Back when the world was a little bit more on fire everywhere rather than just in one specific place, I predicted the how the Premier League table would look come the end of the season.
That’s really put this into perspective and I’ve depressed myself.
If I’ve done the same for you, please consider seeking the aid of a mental health professional or sharing issues with friends and loved ones. I am also here to listen if you like.
But on we go.
And speaking of depression, let’s delve into the seedy world of top-flight football, where the divide is great and unfair and largely unethical.
Why do I even watch it?
BECAUSE OF THE EXCITEMENT
BECAUSE MY TEAM IS INVOLVED
BECAUSE THE STORIES THAT BECOME LEGENDS ARE TOO MUCH TO PASS UP
Because it’s the Premiership.
And because I do this every year.
2018/19 — -56
2019/20 — -72
2020/21 — -56
See?
For this year, I predicted the table to finish like this:-
1. Leeds United
2. Chelsea
3. Manchester City
4. Liverpool
5. Leicester City
6. Manchester United
7. Arsenal
8. Tottenham Hotspur
9. West Ham United
10. Everton
11. Aston Villa
12. Burnley
13. Watford
14. Southampton
15. Brighton & Hove Albion
16. Wolves
17. Crystal Palace
18. Brentford
19. Newcastle United
20. Norwich City
But it actually finished like this:-
1. Manchester City
2. Liverpool
3. Chelsea
4. Tottenham Hotspur
5. Arsenal
6. Manchester United
7. West Ham United
8. Leicester City
9. Brighton & Hove Albion
10. Wolves
11. Newcastle United
12. Crystal Palace
13. Brentford
14. Aston Villa
15. Southampton
16. Everton
17. Leeds United
18. Burnley
19. Watford
20. Norwich City
The errors are obvious, we can all see it, don’t rub it in. AT LEAST I HAD FAITH AND PUT MYSELF OUT THERE.
And even if I am going to the dance alone, I will still dance the dance of a thousand pilgrims gaan to the fair.
The scoring goes like this: the aim is to get as close to zero as possible with points coming off depending on finish differential. For example, if I had Newcastle to finish 5th and they actually finish 10th, that would be -5 off my score.
Got it? Smooth.
Let’s chip away at this specific section of my confidence.
How did it end?
ARSENAL
Predicted: 7th / Actual: 5th
Yeah, as soon as I take them out of the race for the top four, they start challenging. Arteta got ’em firing again and the rebuild is coming along swimmingly. Rough sides are being smoothed and drastic steps are being taken to fall into the Arteta regime. There’s the occasional blip, and they’re not at the level of Man City or Liverpool, but at least they’ve turned up the right street as opposed to being in a different postcode.
Score: -2
ASTON VILLA
Predicted: 11th / Actual: 14th
Missing out on a load of targets didn’t help after Grealish’s departure, and the side looked a bit directionless before dear Dean departed. Stevie G gave ’em somet to mount and went a long way in replacing Jack with the introduction of Philippe and the utilisation of some younglings. He’s had a bit of time to sort this side out already has Gerrard, and with one full Summer followed by one very full season, Villa could easy kick on after a tricky one.
Score: -3
BRENTFORD
Predicted: 18th / Actual: 13th
I shouldn’t have doubted the forward-thinking, suitably-minded Tommy Frank and his Bees. They always looked like the type of side to come up and survive thanks to their adventurous style. I guess it was just because their recruitment was thin on the ground in terms of experience, and the experience that was already in their team was thinner still. But the unit stuck to their guns and while they’ll need to step up to avoid second season syndrome, they’ve set up well thus far.
Score: -5
BRIGHTON
Predicted: 15th / Actual: 9th
I haven’t really seen where the praise should go for Brighton since they came up, if they should get any at all. This season however, players started to stand out a bit more as individuals — before that, they were just a passable player filling a role, now stars are beginning to twinkle. Trossard, Cucurella, even Sanchez in goal, they’re all showing off a bit more, but not to the point where a big club’d come in and swoop. They’re in a promising position and they need to pull further away from anonymous positions and continue forward towards their identity of stalwarts.
Score: -6
BURNLEY
Predicted: 12th / Actual: 18th
I had them staying up because that’s what they’d done before. They actually made offensive signings and that should’ve convinced me further that they’d remain a top flight side, but the curious decision to rid themselves of Dyche should have been the omen that their days were numbered. They were strong defensively, and will continue to be despite incoming departures, but they need a bit more focus on attack with recruitment, and that’s with them yet to get the best out of Weghorst and Cornet as a duo.
Score: -6
CHELSEA
Predicted: 2nd / Actual: 3rd
Leeds aside, I had Chelsea winning it, and it should have always been obvious that they weren’t yet at the league heights of City and Liverpool. They were also clearly effected by the ‘complications’ surrounding the club as their rigidity waned along with their tally. Third was sealed, but far later than it should have been. Next steps are gonna be ginger, and if they let that redheadedness take hold, the curse of the carrot-top could afflict them far into the future.
Score: -1
CRYSTAL PALACE
Predicted: 17th / Actual: 12th
I thought Paddy V would struggle and stutter in his first Prem season, but he and his signings have gotta be commended ‘cos they stepped in and flipped that squad. No longer relying on the McArthurs, the Ayews, and the Kouyates, a dynamic spine was formed with the likes of Guehi, Mitchell, and Gallagher, with the ever-reliable Zaha as the head of the Eagle. He’s reignited some fading fires and lit up his own beacons, and it’ll be exciting to see what he does next and where this club that couldn’t even tell me that I hadn’t gotten the job after I felt like I aced a job interview can go.
Score: -5
EVERTON
Predicted: 10th / Actual: 16th
I gotta stop predicting that this club can go places when all it has shown is that it can spend hundreds of millions and nearly get relegated. These players should be forming one of the best teams in the league and the 10th place I predicted for them should have been a lowball. It was an absolute shit-show from start to finish — they even managed to mar the game in which they fought back to stay up. Lamps has got a proper job on his hands now, if he can sort these players out it’ll be one thing, but to correct this club’ll be like trying to turn a coach around in a McDonald’s drive-through.
Score: -6
LEEDS
Predicted: 1st / Actual: 17th
If I was being realistic about my predictions, I don’t know where I would have put them. Probably tenth or somet. I did not expect for them to be found out like they were and then caught short. Injuries kept them to a bench with an average age of twelve, and a lack of January signings for cover spelled disaster it seemed. Bielsa’s departure was a massive blow, but credit to the players for getting back on the horse after some truly horrifying results in which they were picked apart and able to do nothing about it. Even if it was by the breadth of a snake’s tongue, second-season syndrome has not struck, and Jesse’s got a whole Summer to PLEASE ADD SOME PLAYERS.
Score: -16
LEICESTER
Predicted: 5th / Actual: 8th
Maybe Europe got to them, maybe it was a few injuries, maybe it was the heat of Leicestershire, but for the majority of this season, they just waddled through. Big results still rocked up and they never seemed to shy away, but there were too many occasions on which they plodded to a result. Once Europe got out the way though, they perked right back up — Jamie Vardy hit his stride again, and they looked like a club with which you would not want to feck. It’ll be interesting to see how they set up next season, and what additions they make, and whether those additions will be to remedy any departures. They’re hard to call, but with no distractions, it could be a banner season for The Foxes.
Score: -3
LIVERPOOL
Predicted: 4th / Actual: 2nd
I took the news of Wijnaldum leaving as an apparent death knell for their title hopes. I hope you all ignored me. ‘All’ being a very hopeful word there.
It’s gonna be ‘Pool and City for a while to come yet, and it’s more gonna be a case of whether others will join their party than if they’ll leave it.
Score: -2
MAN CITY
Predicted: 3rd / Actual: 1st
See above. Apart from the Wijnaldum bit. I had Chelsea joining the party, but they were halted, so these two charged on like they always will. The split in their finishes is gonna be fine margins whatever the weather — first and second might as well be the same thing in terms of numbers, but the trophy’s a pretty big selling point for the latter.
Score: -2
MAN U
Predicted: 6th / Actual: 6th
Of course I get this one right. What a load of bologna. Nine months ago, I said they looked set, and they should have been! The players they have, the resources and facilities at their disposal, the options for advancement, they should be in the midst of another dynasty, and yet… There’s very few players they can be proud of after this one. Even Ronaldo’s on the cusp with all his goals, and de Gea, who might keep them in games, does little but repel. It’s a miracle they got 6th and they should be thankful they did ‘cos if they don’t buck up, they’ll soon find toastier depths than hell.
Score: 0
NEWCASTLE
Predicted: 19th / Actual: 11th
Everything was going perfectly for this prediction to come true. Bruce was sending them spiralling down and I was on track for a near-perfect, if not perfect, score. Then the Saudi Arabians turned up. Nobody expects the Saudi Arabians. Apart from football clubs who are looking to sell and have a devout fan-base ready to be exploited. Whether it was the optimism that came from their billions, or the graft of Eddie Howe, the fresh signings, or all three, they turned themselves around, and credit where it’s due, the players perked up considerably to not only stay up after winning just one of their first twenty, but to stay up and then some.
Score: -8
NORWICH
Predicted: 20th / Actual: 20th
Hopeless from the off. You could just tell from Farke’s face that this was gonna be a waste of time. They pushed out those with Prem experience to sign more players without it, and then they didn’t try and settle them, just tossing them to the fire. Dean Smith will attempt a different build going forward, and he’s got pedigree for it — whether the line will be hard enough remains to be seen, ‘cos this Canaries side might be heading down a coalmine now.
Score: 0
SOUTHAMPTON
Predicted: 14th / Actual: 15th
A couple of schmick results kept ’em dry, but that don’t mean they were far from the crocs. It was as if they refused to shine this season — a frontline that should have no problem as individuals failed to gel and meaningful attacks were too few and far between. They kept hold of important players that formed their core, but that’s no good if you don’t build around them. Apart from a few keys, the rest of the side looks disposable, and are treated as such by their opposition.
Score: -1
SPURS
Predicted: 8th / Actual: 4th
Pretty much called it with the resurgence, only it wasn’t under Nuno, and they went way further up than I thought. Maybe it would have been 8th under Nuno, but that ain’t enough for Conte. He came in and made a dull side fun again. He got their attackers assaulting, their playmakers pouncing, and their defenders digging in to protect their net. A signing or two to shore them up (Kulusevski on a permanent) and these lot’ll be a group to be reckoned with.
Score: -4
WATFORD
Predicted: 13th / Actual: 19th
I had the wrong promoted side pushing on. I thought Watford’s experience and occasional adaptability would see ’em push on, but I forgot they’re run by a boardroom of methamphetamines in Armani suits. There was little rhyme or reason to their firings and appointments beyond the surface ones and when they finally settled on a horse to back, it was too late. The team was a mess, there was no organisation, and for another team, it seems as if they might be at a point of thinning the herd before they press on — Rob Edwards might be the man for it — but this Hornet’s nest could also be just that.
Score: -6
WEST HAM
Predicted: 9th / Actual: 7th
Still waiting to see Milenkovic turn up at the London Stadium, that’d get ’em gaan. Moyes’ vision continues to trend, and despite being in European competition for most of the season, that didn’t hit ’em as hard as I thought. Though it will surely make them think where they could be if they hadn’t had it to focus on… But then I’m sure the fans would rather they go for the trophy than just hit it on the head, duh.
Have they found their ceiling though? Can they go further? Will top names leave? They’ve recruited well recently and look set to continue to if rumours are to be believed, but if a deluge is coming, along with the European football, The Hammers could be on the learning curve.
Score: -2
WOLVES
Predicted: 16th / Actual: 10th
I’m so bored by Wolves. I’m genuinely shocked that they managed to get tenth. I dunno if it’s just that all their good stuff came early in the season and that was a while ago so I’ve forgotten it or what. So much of what they do just seemed so ineffective, if anything came off at all. I’m sure their summer will consist of bringing in some Portuguese footballers and then they’ll embark on another season that’ll start brightly enough for Lage to keep his job before they finish in a spot satisfactory enough for the fans to put it down to being unable to keep up with the ‘money clubs’ despite the fact they themselves are owned by the fifth wealthiest bloke in the league.
They’re expanding off the pitch though, so that’s something.
Score: -6
— —
I do not like the look of all those sixes. If this was a cricket match I’d be over the moon, but alas, it is not.
I’m immediately struck by my lack of bravery (comparatively). Bar Leeds, it felt like I was going off the season prior, just assuming teams would follow on with no evolution.
But that ain’t footy is it?
Football is an ever-changing beast no matter how much it may seem stagnant to an outsider. Every tweak, every shuffle, every brand new press can change the game in drastic, immeasurable ways. Every player, every manager, every club is capable of changing the way someone or everyone looks at the sport.
And they’ll all get another chance next time out.
Manchester City will enter as defending champions, with Liverpool looking to snuff out that blue flame and replace it with a roaring red one, but maybe Spurs, or Ten Hag’s Man U will step up to the plate to challenge. Maybe a fresh face, away from the big six, will spring a surprise…
It won’t be Norwich, Watford, or Burnley though. The latter duo are heading back down to the Championship after one season, and Burnley’s stint of six seasons is also up. The trio will be replaced by Fulham, Bournemouth, and one of Huddersfield or Nottingham Forest — excitement abound as to whom.
But until we can witness all that go down, we have a wee break. Just a little one, and only from the Prem — there’s still stuff going down. LIKE THE WOMEN’S EUROS YEEHAW.
That’s still a month and a bit out though. So, in the meantime, my scores.
We’ve already seen this:-
2018/19 — -56
2019/20 — -72
2020/21 — -56
And honestly, -72 again would be a blessing considering the large numbers I saw popping up this time. With the worst I can do like -200, I count my score as being…
-84
So yes, my worst ever score. If I had predicted Leeds with my head and not my heart, I could have gotten to -75. And if I’d swapped Watford and Brentford as well, it would have been -65.
But that’s not how the game works. And that is exactly why I love it.
I’d often times rather be wrong with my heart than right with my head. And I love being right with my head. When you find just the right spot…
MY BIGGEST WINNERS: Norwich, Man U — 0, Southampton, Chelsea — -1
MY BIGGEST LOSERS: Leeds — -16, Newcastle — -8, Brighton, Burnley, Everton, Watford, Wolves — -6
There’s to be next season. Next season when my heart can rule once more, but my head says things in a far more passive-aggressive to try and get it’s point across.
I’m sure I’ll listen.
But until then, have a lovely time.
Keep it streets ahead,
C.L.R.
