Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — A View To A Kill — A Reactionary Transcript #23

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the twenty-third of these case studies; A View To A Kill.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

A View To A Kill spoilers ahead.

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ROW-ARR

we actually start with a disclaimer saying that the bad guy isn’t based on a real person
never noticed that

barrel sequence — solid

russian helicopter gaan over some ice
Bond’s on the ice havin a wee dig about
and now a load of Russians are after him
Bond’s found his dead mate in the snow
but the reunion is cut short as he gets shot at and skis away
would have been a very one-sided convo anyways

Bond gets one of his skis shot in half
he’s one-leggin it!
he’s very good

he manages to nick a snowmobile
but that gets blown up fair swiftly as he dives to safety
now he’s snowboarding
there’s some dodgy soundtracking gaan on as the Russians stack it
the music makes it sound like he’s boarding to save the mountain from getting closed down by the rich kid’s dad
but he boards across som water and the Russians stack it
then he launches a flare into the helicopter, they struggle and crash and KABOOM

an iceberg opens it’s lid
got a union flag on so he knows he’s good
Bond has completed his mission and he’s got the voddy to celebrate
there’s a woman waiting for him
he doesn’t hang about like

OPENING CREDITS

We’re in MI6

Bond and Moneypenny engage in chit-chat
Moneypenny is dressed like she’s at the races

M’s office
Q’s got a remote control car with a camera on it
Sorry I mean a highly sophisticated surveillance machine

now he’s giving a lecture on microchips
and EMPs
they’ve made a chip invulnerable to EMPs
and the KGB apparently have one as well
the plant that makes ’em was bought by Zorin Industries
Bond wants to check ’em out, obvs M says that Zorin has a lot of friends and is to be left alone and all that
and that he’s French apparently

oh, they are going to the races
Moneypenny was dressed appropriately

M and Bond spy on Zorin and his accoomplice, May Day
Moneypenny litters her betting slip when her horse don’t win

Bond and chums run into Godfrey Tibbett another chum
he reckons Zorin’s winning horse, Pegasus, is fixed
to win, not to stop him having kids
Tibbett got that tip from his undercover agent whose name is Aubergine

Anyways

PARIS

Eiffel Tower — havin a bite
Bond’s havin dinner with Aubergine
some light entrtainment starts of a woman whistling at some butterflies
so Bond quizzes Aubergine and he’s gettin to the good stuff about a sale at Zorin’s house
but before he can reveal all his stuff, one of the butterfly danglers swings their butterfly at him and stabs him in the face with it, killing him with the poison on it
what a curious life Mr. Aubergine had

Bond pursues the murderous dangler as they take off up the Eiffel Tower
his shots miss
as he nearly catches up, they nearly tip him off the side

oh goodness, now they’ve hopped off the side and they jump off the top with a parachute
Bond gets a lift down on the lift
then he nicks a taxi to follow the parachute as the most Italian frenchman shouts after him
Bond pulls off some neat stunts and then drives the wrong way into traffic as his car loses his roof and then its backside
what a flimsy vehicle

The assassin lands on a boat
so Bond hops off a bridge onto the same boat, crashing a wedding
but the assassin, revealed to be May Day, hops onto a speedboat driven by Zorin
it strikes me as odd that the boss of all the evil stuff would be on getaway duty
Bond gets dragged off by some chefs

M’s telling Bond off now
but they plan to attend Zorin’s sale to find out more
Tibbett and Bond that is
Tibbett’s posing as Bond’s driver

Bond is immediately escorted to the stables by head of security, Scarpine
he’s an intense fellow

Tibbett infiltrates the stables, following Pegasus
he heads in once folk have left but sees hide nor hair of the horse

Scarpine runs after Bond weirdly
Zorin has been detained apparently
Bond heads to the big house and meets Jenny Flex — one of Zorin’s helpers dressed as butler jockeys

May Day wanders past and is obviously gonna recognise Bond

in Bond’s room they snoop out the microphone recording them and trick it by playing a recording so they can chat about super secret spy stuff
they have a gander at Zorin talking to an old man and meeting a younger lady

some fancy party is occurring
Bond watches Zorin take the lady he was meeting into the office
when he tries to follow, May Day stops him

Bond uses the least stylish sunglasses to spy through the window at Zorin and the lady
but he is interrupted by Scarpine, who is everywhere — a good head of security for identifying Bond as a threat

Once Zorin, May Day and the lady leave the office, Bond sneaks in
The lady’s name is Stacey Sutton
and Zorin just cut her a check for five million quid

An old man called Dr. Carl Mortner shows Bond the bar, the same old man who was escorting Pegasus to the stables
they meet Bob Comley, an oil guy
he will matter later on then
Bond quizzes Mortner about his breeding process
with horses, you understand
Zorin interrupts and introduces himself

it takes him mere seconds to say something weird as he states his stables were built by a duke in the 16th century who believed he’d be reincarnated as a horse

Bond almost immediately gives himself away to Zorin by making a reference about the butterfly business

Bond goes to get info out of Stacey Sutton
she says she ain’t there for horses as she stares wistfully out

Zorin tells Scarpine to keep an eye on Bond
he has been Max! doing a good job, your man!
May Day breaks up the convo between Bond and Stacey

At the stables under cover of darkness and Tibbett’s havin a sneak about
Bond sneaks up on him in horror movie style for some reason
they find a lift down into some labs
where Pegasus is milling about

the recording of Bond in his room is still going
long tape

Bond’s cracking into a safe
Tibbett’s checking on Pegasus, notes he’s had surgery
he’s got a microchip in him
midway through the race, Zorin triggers the microchip and it gives Pegasus an extra burst of adrenaline, allowing him to go faster late in the race

downstairs from the lab, there’s a load of microchips getting boxed in a factory setting
two goons come down though, Bond and Tibbett gotta hide

Bond puts his guy in a box, but the other lad is a big boy who gets tied up by the machine
they are found further along the line by other factory lads

Zorin and May Day are practicing their martials
May Day’s kicking his ass
training him
then they have a smooch

Bond says the tape ran out five minutes ago so he’s joggin back

May Day’s style is iconic

The gates are closing and drawbridges raising so Bond really has to leg it

May Day and Zorin check Bond’s room, but he ain’t there
May Day puts two and two together that Bond was the guy in Paris

Bond hides in May Day’s room
well, less hide, more wait til she comes in and pretend that I was waiting to sleep with her the whole time
it apparently works

down in the lab
Mortner notices some things out of place in the lab
Zorin wants Bond in his study first thing in the morning
Bond makes a sex joke

Zorin and Bond sit down
and Zorin with the might of his computer, takes photos of Bond in an attempt to identify him, unbeknownst to Bond, of course
and it does
says he’s usually armed
and dangerous
and licenced to kill

Zorin invites Bond out riding

Tibbett has to head into town to tell M to get Stacey Sutton’s cheque traced
undet the guise of getting the car washed
May Day is suspicious of this
A couple of the jockey butlers have followed him there
and as he goes through the car wash, THERE’S SOMEONE IN THE BACK SEAT

out on the track
Zorin challenges Bond
if he stays on his horse, he can have a good horse for free
if he falls, he ‘loses’
there’s a lot of Zorin’s goons about and Bond don’t have much choice

AND THEY’RE OFF

Zorin starts doing shit like raising fences and moving ’em, as well as getting the goons to smack Bond about a bit
but Bond manages it all and catches up with Zorin
so Zorin uses his microchip stuff to send Bond’s horse mental
off he pops into the woods, pursued by the baddies
he sees Tibbett’s car and hops into it
but it’s May Day, Tibbett’s dead in the back seat
and Bond is caught
Bond don’t like Zorin

they knock Bond out and load him in to the back of the car as well
then they drive it to a lake and let it roll in
well May Day feckin pushes it in

Bond wakes up though
but he knows he can’t surface with Zorin and May Day stood there
so he takes the air out the tires to breathe
and then surfaces

YOU GONNA GET IT NOW YOU BAD GUYS

At a track, Zorin is meeting with General Gogol
Gogol is telling him off for killing Bond
Zorin says he’s leaving the KGB
a KGB goon says that he’s a bell-end, so May Day picks him up, like over her head as Zorin’s jockey butlers surround the KGB folk
one of whom i’m pretty confident is Dolph Lundgren
Gogol warns Zorin that no-one ever leaves the KGB, May Day puts her man down and now we’re…

IN A MEETING

Zorin wants to end the domination of Silicon Valley by cornering the microchip market
he wants a hundred million quid for it though
one guy’s like ‘no way, jose’
so he gets escorted out ‘for a drink’
May Day escorts him down some stairs and opens a door the leads outside, then she turns the steps into a slide, and this bloke falls out a feckin blimp, into the water, and maybe dies
Zorin then asks if anyone else wants to drop out
good one
lost on everyone in the room because they didn’t see the guy fall

Bond’s in San Francisco
he meets Chuck Lee, CIA
he gives him intel on all our characters — that Conley bloke runs mines, Sutton’s cheque hasn’t been cashed yet, and Carl Mortner is actually Hans Glaud, a dude who develops steroids — he experimented on pregnant women in WW2 — lovely
but they think Zorin is one of the kids born out of those experiments — when a load of them went mental
Bond talks to a trawlerman who says the Zorin oil pumping station has driven away crabs, but he’s got all the info on it, so Bond goes snoopin

Bond scubas into one of the pipes
then the git turbine at the other end turns on
Bond’s gonna get sucked in
he cannae get out!
OH CRUMBS
he throws his equipment into it and that halts it
he’s just got no oxygen now
but he gets to surface

he sees a few KGB guys spying on Zorin as well

they find the source of the blockage, the oxygen tank
and May Day captures one of the KGB fellas and the bomb he was planting, apparently
it gets defused, the turbine resumes, and Zorin tells his men to feed him into it
delightful

the other KGB assassin has got to safety
her name is Pola Ivanova apparently
Bond attacks her but stops when they recognise one another
they drive off but get followed

they immediately relax and massage one another in a hot tub
she goes mental for Tchaikovsky
then they do it
afterwards, Bond showers, and she sneaks off with the recording she took at the oil place
gets into a car with Gogol and they speed off
but Bond switched the tapes
and now he’s gettin all the info
WA-HEY, you silly KGB

Bond is posing as a reporter, interviewing a guy called Mr. Howe about Zorin
as Bond is about to leave, he sees Stacey Sutton go into Mr. Howe’s office
when she comes out, Bond follows
she’s driving a car labelled with a department of conservation badge

there’s a lovely bit of music in this, like an orchestral take on the theme, it pops in, really sells the scale of what’s gaan on

Anyway

Bond has followed Sutton home and sneaks into her hoose
it’s quite empty
couple of plants, a painting, and a vase
Bond steps on a cat
sneaks into her bedroom and finds the shower on, but Stacey was in the closet with a shotgun
she’s gonna call the police but the line is cut
she blames Bond, but he didna do it
therefore
GOONS

coupla shots, he sends ’em flying off the balcony and the landing, down the stairs, but the shotgun is loaded with rock salt, so it’s a bit useless
Bond saves the vase a few times, but then Stacey batters a lad with it
the bad guys scarper

Bond makes a quiche
wants some info on Zorin from Sutton
good bribe
Sutton says how her dad had an oil company, but Zorin took it from him and she’s been fighting to get it back ever since
the five million Zorin gave Sutton were for her shares and to get her to shut up
but she ain’t havin it
she tears up the cheque

then they have some wine and some flirty banter, and…
Bond tucks her in
no innuendo

NEXT MORNING

there’s been a minor tremor
right near Zorin’s oil field
Sutton has the ammunition to go to this Mr. Howe and stop Zorin

but he fires her instead

Bond and Sutton meet with Chuck Lee, so he can send the info to the very top
Sutton tells him that if Zorin floods a fault, it will cause a major earthquake
they need to know how many oil wells are involved to know how widespread the damage will be

Chuck goes to leave
but wait
WAIT
THERE’S SOMEONE IN HIS BACKSEAT
lots of backseat drivers in this film

Sutton and Bond use Stacey’s pass to get back into City Hall and find info on the oil wells
Scarpine is close behind

they see that Zorin is using an abandoned silver mine on the San Andreas fault
but Zorin and May Day burst in
May Day disarms Bond
they go into Mr. Howe’s office
Zorin tells him to call the cops about a break-in
and a murder
Zorin shoots Mr. Howe and starts a fire, framing Bond and Sutton
then he traps them in a lift so they’ll burn too
bottle of Bacardi gets hossed on top of the lift
on fire, of course
didn’t just douse them in rum

the lift’s about to go
IT’S GONNA GO
Bond manages to find a gap and hop onto the roof
and they clamber away
he’s so casual
Bond then climbs away from Stacey as she screams for him to come back
GIVE HIM A MINUTE
he tosses Stacey a fire hose and she abseils up
i suppose that’s just climbing

the fire department and cops get there
Bond and Stacey escape down the emergency stairs
or up them
onto the roof
and then down the fire ladder
this music is tight, it’s really gettin me, the orchestral version of the theme, like

Bond tries to explain everything to the coppers but they ain’t having it
he tells ’em to talk to Chuck Lee, but the cops say that they found his body in Chinatown
so the cops wanna arrest him so he sprays ’em with a hose and nicks a fire truck
it’s apparently important that the ladder on that truck is unlocked

Bond and Stacey are driving away with the cops in pursuit
two police cars have become stuck together and have formed some transformer like double wide cop car

i don’t know why, but Bond was scrambling on the back of the fire truck and that unlocked ladder swung out, taking him with it, so now he’s dangling over traffic
okay, he’s back now
steering the back end or somet

the cops call ahead and tell the bridge-raiser to raise the bridge
but Bond tells Stacey to keep gaan and they make the jump in time
the cops are too late though, and their cars get tipped back down
apart from one that gets trapped at the apex
before plummeting and surely killing the two officers inside

we’re at that Silver Mine now
Stacey had enough time to fall asleep

Bond pulls over a truck heading into the mine
knocks the dude out and nicks his truck
that gets ’em in

Bond and Stacey suit up and get into the mine
there’s a load of explosives being taken inside

all the baddies are about now
Zorin, May Day, Scarpine, jockey butlers, no German horse scientist though
and Conley the oil guy

just got a lot of looking at the mine right now
it is a nice set, i’d make sure it got looked at too

Bond and Sutton get into the main office
Zorin sets a timer for one hour on what I’m assuming is a bomb and not an alarm clock
could be both
Scarpine sets one of his own deeper into the mine that’ll ensure flooding
A man fishes in the lake above

Zorin’s plan, according to Bond, is to cause a DOUBLE EARTHQUAKE
to shift all the faults at once and flood Silicon Valley
Zorin and May Day have found ‘em
send goons after ‘em
oh no, the big guns, May Day and her jockey butlers
Zorin closes the entrance, nobody gets out
Stacey and Bond take a diversion up a side passage

May Day and gang know where they went though
Bond and Stacey find a ventilation shaft outta there
May Day hears them banging about

Zorin floods the fault with May Day and erryone else still down there
BIG BOOM
Bond falls back down the shaft
the miners and jockey butlers have to outrun the flood
Zorin and Scarpine open fire on everyone for a bit of fun
Zorin has a good laugh

May Day can’t catch Stacey, so she goes back for Bond, then they both get taken by the flood
a load of mine people get electrocuted
Zorin and Scarpine high-tail it

the fisherman is left with an empty lake

Sutton makes it to the top of the shaft to safety

Bond and May Day just keep their heads above water
May Day realising she’s been double-crossed
they manage to make their way out as the water level drops slightly
May Day finds the bodies of her jockey butlers floating about

Zorin and Scarpine go and meet creepy German uncle and set off in their deadly blimp — born out of a portacabin
they hover over Silicon Valley to witness the destruction

Bond and May Day have to get the bomb out of there, but the timer’s booby-trapped so they can’t defuse it, just get it as far away from the fault as possible
or at least the tonnes of explosives around it
two and a half minutes like
cutting it fine
May Day summons all her strength to whisk the bomb and Bond back up from the explodey-hole

50 SECONDS

they get it on a cart

35 SECONDS

they try to push it out the mine
but the brake keeps catching
one of them has to stay on the cart with it

May Day stays on
Bond runs after her, tells her to jump
she screams back ‘get Zorin for me!’
she gets outside

KABOOM

May Day goes up
the fault does not

a heroic sacrifice

Bond comes out
Stacey’s about as well

and in a fantastic shot
as she runs down to James, a whole feckin blimp sneaks up on her and snatches her up
Bond hangs onto the mooring rope and hitches a ride

there’s so many weird shots of Zorin just laughing or smiling while everyone else is stone-faced
and makes some crap jokes that he wants everyone to laugh at

Zorin’s plan is to fly Bond into the Golden Gate Bridge
but Bond manages to tie the mooring rope to the bridge and then climb up it

Stacey takes advantage of the momentary distraction to attack Zorin and Scarpine, German guy had his seatbelt on so couldn’t help
this crashes the blimp, putting a git hole in the side

Zorin tells Scarpine to go get Bond, but Stacey knocks him out
so Zorin follows her out with an axe
she jumps into Bond’s arms and just holds on as Bond and Max go at it
Max tries to choke Bond with the axe, but Bond fights him off and they tussle some more
Bond trips Zorin and he can’t hang on
German guy shouts after him and Max laughs again before falling off the Golden Gate Bridge and into the water below
DEAD
probs

German guy’s mad now
shoots a few shots and then gets some dynamite he had in a fridgefor whatever reason
he lights it, but then Bond cuts the mooring rope loose, sending the blimp spinning away and the German back into the blimp with the dynamite
he and Scarpine scramble to throw the shit out, but they cannae, and the whole thing goes up like the hindenburg

Bond gets awarded with the order of Lenin from the KGB

just a quick change there, sorry
Bond said ‘there’s never a cab around when you need one’ while he and Stacey were clinging to the side of the Golden Gate Bridge
then MI6

now we’re at Stacey’s place

Q’s little remote control car from the start is sneaking in
cos Q’s trying to find Bond
so he sends his bot to perv on Bond and Stacey in the shower
Q is having a bit of a perv as well
he calls base and says that 007 is alive and that ‘he’s just cleaning up a few details’

we get that orgasmic ‘oh, James’ and we’re done here

only right that Moore’s last Bond film ends with that classic trope of his
i think he delivered the most orgasms as a Bond

and that will be his legacy

the closing credits is a San Francisco travel ad set to Duran Duran

FIN

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Keep it streets ahead,

C.L.R.

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