Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — Casino Royale — A Reactionary Transcript #6

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the sixth of these case studies; Casino Royale.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

Casino Royale spoilers ahead.

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There’s a load of trailers before this copy and they’re so mid-2000’s

Legit a Spiderman 3 trailer

I love Tobey Maguire as spooderm’n

Will Ferrell in a dramedy

Jaden Smith is still a wee yan

Okay, we’re off for real now

Black and white, tasty

Prague

Shady fella exits his vehicle

Bond’s already in his office, I think he’s found a mole

Ooo, Bond ain’t a double-0 yet

We’re in a fight in a bathroom, no we’re not

WHEY, yer gun’s unloaded, twat

Back in the bathroom

This is gritty, proper change-up from Roger Moore put it that way

Bang, mole’s dead

And that was a great intro to Danny Craig

And an awesome barrel sequence into the…

OPENING CREDITS

And we’re back

In Uganda

Couple of cold ones for these two lads

And a pinball machine

White man is promising somet

Shite, it’s Hannibal

Hannibal needs an inhaler

The aforementioned white man is called Mr. White

So Hannibal got paid and is now betting against the stock market with it I think

Madagascar now, Snake vs. Mongoose is going down

Bond and mate are looking for a guy and I think they’ve found him

But Bond’s mate fecks it by looking like a secret agent so the fella makes a run for it after receiving a text

Bond’s on his tail

He’s a bit athletic this fella, Bond, not so much

Bond don’t need to be athletic, he’s got a bulldozer

Bond’s off up a crane on a construction site, there’s a big ol’ boom

Athletic lad’s got a gun

Bond needs a run up to get athletic lad

They’re off up some wires

Feckin eck top of a crane like

WHEY, this lad’s gun’s empty as well!

Bond throws it at his head after catching it

Fist fight above the earth

MOSES, this is tense

Athletic lad just full on jumps from crane to crane to roof to floor and Bond follows and makes it look like it should, feckin hard

Parkour from this lad, but Bond’s cuttin him off

To Craig’s credit, Bond’s never been so athletic, but this other lad is just hoppin about somet mad lark

Lad’s headin for Nambutu Embassy and he’s made it, but Bond spies him and hops the wall

Just walks right in and gets business done, but the alarm is sounded

He’s got his lad, but he gets shot in the leg, so Bond’s gotta drag him

He’s by the gate with his lad, but he’s a bit cornered now

The ambassador wants him to stop so Bond throws the lad to them, but he shoots the lad and then blows up all the soldiers, git on

And he’s aff with the goods, what a man

A bomb and a phone, Bond sees ‘Ellipsis’

We’re at the beachfront now, Hannibal’s playing cards while his missus comes in from a dip, his eye starts bleeding like an evil bloke and then he goes all in

He wins

Hannibal ain’t happy or is happy or is concerned in general about Bond

M don’t lie the Prime Minister, but she’s pissed with Bond

Dench kills it, of course

Bond traces where the text came from and it was in the Bahamas somewhere

The Ocean Club to be really specific

Oh, he was on M’s computer, cheeky bastard

Bond’s done a no-no, killin one guy when they wanted to question, M reckons she’s made a mistake promoting him

M gives him a lesson in double-0ing

Leaves Bond with a stern warning as he goes, but he’s told her where’s he’s going on her laptop

He’s off to…

THE BAHAMAS!

He’s driving a… Rental car, not that flash

He gets to the OCean Club, flirts with some tennis players and then ties his laces in the middle of the road

He is mistaken for a valet after checking out the cameras and takes a dickhead’s land rover, crashing it in the car park like a g

He’s checkin the files and camera stuff out now

Playing some archive footage

He sees an Aston Martin pull up and stops it at that exact time, so must be suspicious, that’s when the text was sent

Goes to the front desk and books a room, finding out where the text sender is in the process, one Mr. Dimitrios then

BOOM

Woman riding a horse on the beach

Just like that

Ooo, Bond’s in the water

AND THERE IT IS

The moment that made a true believer out of so many

And it’s working on horse lady a bit I think

But Dimitrios has noticed

Bond checks him out on MI6 database and finds that Hannibal is his only associate still alive

Dimitrios is playing poker

Bond joins in

Horse lady joins as well, but just to kiss hubby, but hubby ain’t happy

Dimi is getting Bond in by going all in and then some, but he ain’t allowed

Bond wants his car when he bets that though and goes all in as well, not how it works, but okay

PAIR OF KINGS for Dimi, POCKET ACES FOR JIMMY, oh my Dimi, lost yer car

Dimi ain’t happy

Horse lady don’t wanna piss him off more by getting a lift home with Bond, so is she gonna Sophie it? SHE DOES

But who wouldn’t for Jimmy

Dimi’s getting on Le Chiffre’s boat

Horse lady is getting off with Jimmy

Just like that, look out Connor, this could be Sophie

She knows Bond’s getting with her to get to him, but she wants it

He orders some champers and caviar while she slips into something more comfortable, but he slips out to follow Dimi to Miami

In Miami, Dimi visits a weird body museum with Bond on his tail

Dimi puts some chips down on a poker table and then sneaks up on Bond

Very quietly in a crowd of people, Bond stabs Dimi and lays him down

Dimi sent another ellipsis text to someone and now the chips are gone as well as Dimi’s checked bag

BUT WHOM

Bond calls the number to see who answers

He’s got someone

Follows em to the airport

Richard Branson was just there for like a second

Fella spies Bond looking at him in a mirror so goes and hides

Bond’s lost him

Oh shit, he’s put on an airport security disguise and he’s backstage

Bond calls M to get Miami airport evacuated, but Bond figures out that the code must be ellipsis

Big airplane gonna be unveiled

Bad fella sets off sprinklers and grabs a gun

He’s off to get the prototype or blow it up maybe

SHIT, bomb on a gas tanker

He’s gonna drive it into the big plane

Bond’s up some airplane steps and onto the tanker

Bad fella tries to shake him

Bond hopped off and narrowly avoids being runway-kill

Blows through some luggage

Hits a bus, bit of a splosion

Fighting for control these two now

THERE’S A PLANE LANDING

Taking off sorry

Just misses

Bond nearly kicked out the door

He’s nearly at the big plane

Tries to bail, Bond stops him

Oh shite, he’s out

Bond’s gotta stop it

And just about does

Lots of petrol everywhere

Coppers take Bond down

Bad fellas gonna set it off

NOOOOOOOO

Bond took it off the feckin truck and put it on the bad fella’s belt, classic

Le Chiffre has lost a load of moolah cos of that

He ain’t happy

Bond’s back in the Bahamas

Horse lady is deed, wrapped up in her hammock

M’s there and tells Bond that she was tortured first, insinuates it’s Bond’s fault, and it kinda is

Le Chiffre is very smart and gives folks money wherever they want it

M has Bond chipped

Le Chiffre has been betting against disasters basically and this time, he lost

He’s been playing with clients funds and setting up a high stakes Poker game as well

Bond’s in the game as well now

M knew he wouldn’t drop it really

There’s a bit of guilt there, lark

MONTENEGRO

Ooo, right opposite Bond on the train is Vesper Lynd, she’s the treasury and is bank rolling Bond

That’s where my tax is going

She don’t like the plan cos it’s too risky

Bond figures her out just like that

She susses him right back

She’s having at him a bit now

That was some lovely back and forth at the end of the day

In the car from station to hotel they get their brief and she scoffs at her undercover name being ‘Broadchest’ and sharing a room with Bond, so she changes it up so that she’s strict Roman Catholic, I like this duo-ship, fun

This looks like the big hot gamble palace

No it’s the Hotel Splendid

She’s gettin a bit mad at Bond’s ego

So Bond just gave his name out and that’s why she’s pissed, no point in code names

Bond’s gaan for a walk

No, a drive

His car’s all set up with gadgets and that

Lovely spot like this part of Montenegro

Rene Mathis is about

No backup he says

Le Chiffre has the power wrapped up in this village

He has the chief of police arrested for accepting bribes, so no more power play for Le Chiffre

Bond wants Lynd in somet skimpy to take other players off the game

She’s sized him up and got him a dinner jacket that looks quite spiffy must say

Here we go

Big gambles all up in here

Le Chiffre knows who he is

Not sure what password Bond just chose, but it meant something

The game’s underway, like a bit of poker

Bond’s looking for Le Chiffre’s tell as he calls him

Hannibal raises, but is a bit distracted by Miss Peregrine’s lovely gown

Hannibal’s got a full house, Bond folds

Hanni wins the hand

I like how this Bond says his pleases and thank yous

Bond orders a Vesper Martini drink and then everyone else wants one

He goes and kisses Vesper to make sure everyone’s watching

And then he says that he knows what he’s doing

Le Chiffre has to go take care of some business but leaves his inhaler, which Bond spies

Bond chips Hannibal’s inhaler

Bond and Vesper trick their way back to their room

Le Chiffre has a bikin’d lady waiting in his room on his balcony, but it’s a cover and Hannibal’s getting strangled

The Ugandan fella is gonna cut Hannibal’s date’s hand off

Bond hears what’s gaan doon

Ugandan fella sees Bond’s earpiece

STAIRWELL FIGHT

Featuring a machete

One Ugandan guy goes flying, the other fights Bond brutally down

Bond chokes him out

He might be dead

Again, not quite Roger Moore is it

Bond has to clean himself off (and drink scotch) and get back to the table

Le Chiffre sees that Bond has changed his shirt and Bond gives him a little dig about weeping blood

In Bond’s room, Vesper is a bit in shock in the shower

It never really shows this do Bond films

He feels guilty and we finally see him come face to face with a manifestation of it

Come the morn

One of Le Chiffre’s goons is framed for the Ugandan’s murders

OOO, HANNIBAL’S WATCHING

Casino time again

There’s an American at the table who’s throwing Bond some looks

King and Ace for Bond this hand, suited, and he’s got trip kings

He bets five hundred G’s

Le Chiffre raises and Mathis reckons he’s bluffing

Two mil raise by Jimmy

Holy moly, Hanni goes all in, that 14 and a half mil

Good thing Mathis is here to talk us through it, Bond goes all in and he’s got a full house

But Le Chiffre has a pair of feckin Jacks, making it four of a kind, he wins

Le Chiffre knew that Bond knew his tell

Bond’s out

Vesper won’t give Bond the money to buy back in

Vesper blames it on Bond’s ego but Bond’s all like nah, ya twat

Bond gets a martini and just wants it, no pissin aboot

Shit, Bond’s got a knife and he’s going after Le Chiffre

The American is Felix Leiter, CIA

He wants to buy Bond back in

Stops Bond from killing Le Chiffre and gets him back in the game

Le Chiffre’s girlfriend has poured somet in a drink

And I think it’s Jimmy’s

Bond’s doing alright in poker, but he’s feeling a bit queasy right about now

Bond heads to the bathroom, drinks some salt water and tries to throw up, but he ain’t lookin too good

Bond gets to MI6 to tell him he’s been poisoned and they tell him what to do

He gonna defibrillate himsel

A wire wasn’t connected, he gon die

VESPER

To the rescue

He good

MI6 saved him there, and I don’t recall these folk poppin up in any other films

Le Chiffre knocks out the last fella, Felix, just as Bond comes back lookin chipper and dandy

Oh no wait, there’s like four guys left

Le Chiffre raises a four way hand to twelve mil, other two lads are all in

Bond wants the tell

Bond goes all in with 40 and a half mil, Le CHiffre to call

He’s got trip aces, 6 high and calls

Why did the other two guys go all in, they can’t have much gaan on

Alright, one dude had flush, next guy had full house, fair play

Le Chiffre has a higher full house

And Bond…

He’s got a straight flush, what a play

Le Chiffre’s off, he’s pissed

What so now Felix is just gonna go get him, why did they wait?

Did he have to lose first? Add insult to injury? How American

Vesper and Jimmy have dinner

They lightly flirt

He writes himself off

They chat about death

Bond knows something is driving Vesper, but he don’t know what and now she’s got business

Bond, alone again

Bond thinks somets up with Mathis

VESPER KIDNAPPED

He follows on in fancy car

James is going very fast and then VESPER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD

SWERVE

FLIP

DEATH

James is dead

And he’s being dragged somewhere

And he’s not dead

Ooo, Le Chiffre’s men remove his tracking chip

Mathis has double crossed him

Twat

Vesper gets dragged away and Bond gets sat down on a chair with no seat

Bond’s nekkid, so his balls are loose under the chair

Just him and Le Chiffre now, and he can hear Vesper screamin a bit

Hannibal has a vicious looking bullrope

He is swinging for balls

A tough watch for anyone with balls

And anyone with genitals

And anyone without genitals

Anyone

Le Chiffre just wants the money

Vesper’ll give the account number, so Bond needs to give up the password

Bond antagonises Hannibal

HE WILL NOT GIVE

They have a chat and Le Chiffre makes some good points, but Bond won’t tell

Hannibal’s gonna feed Bond his nuts, how very Hannibal

Mr. White has barged in and has taken down Le Chiffre

Boom

Shot to the head, just like that

Now Bond is waking up in a hospital?

Yes

He wants Vesper, and it might be, but he sees Mathis

Mathis and Bond are now speaking beachside

Mathis is being a bit suspish like

Bond has Mathis tased and taken away

Vesper is with Jimmy now

Creepy little naked line from Jimmy there

But Vesper is now very much in like with James

Bond is a bit suspicious of this

Banker comes up and gives Bond his winnings

The password was Vesper, but it was not what he typed in

And the banker’s off, 120 mil belongs to Bond

Vesper is very much into Bond now

Bond is not suspicious now, just flirty

I think Bond likes her too

A KISS

Maybe the most deserved kiss in Bond history

Just a bit quick after the fact

Something’s not right

They race to bang

In a bed, on the beach, and I’m sure on that boat

So this is like the end of any Bond film, but there’s twenty minutes left, hmm

Bond tells Vesper about Le Chiffre, but Vesper doesn’t look right with it

Bond is ready to give his life to Vesper

That’s it, he quits

Bond resigns via e-mail

Venice is nice here

Not for me, but I see the appeal

Vesper sees a man who seems to see her, and they both look a little shifty about it

Doesn’t matter, sex

Vesper gotta go to the bank

They’re quite happy here

What’s gaan on

Bond gets a text and a call, it’s M

M says she hasn’t got the winnings

Bond’s like where it be

Vesper’s gettin it

Where the feck is she

THERE, RED DRESS

Who’s she meetin

Where she goin

What’s gaan on

There’s a lad watching her aaaaand Bond shoots him

She’s meeting the guy she saw from the boat earlier, but Bond is spied

GUNFIRE

Eyepatch bad man that Vesper was meeting gets away dragging Vesper with

Into construction area

Bond follows

Bond shakes the whole foundations on the place

Water’s fillin the spot now, gotta climb

A building is crumbling

RUN VENETIANS RUN

Vesper’s stuck in the lift

And it’s gonna go down

Rad lookin fight by the way

Stakes and tension and we don’t even know who the bad guy is

Eyepatch drops the money in the water, waste of his trip

Everything’s gaan down into’t watter

Eyepatch has a nail gun

Shoots everywhere but Bond, might have got his arm

Eyepatch eats a nail in his dodge eye

Bond tries to free Vesper

She says she’s sorry AND LOCKS THE DOOR

WHAT

The lifts gone down

MISS PEREGRINE’S IN THE WATER

Bond dives in, tries to get her

She’s gone

Bond gets the body to surface

He’s trying

No

Vesper’s dead

Mr. White is watching

AND HE’S GOT THE BLOODY CASE

Vesper’s boyfriend was kidnapped by Le Chiffre and that’s why she was there

M says that James has learned his lesson

Bond isn’t dead because she made a deal for his life

She’s kept some stuff of James

And she’s sent him a text before she died saying ‘Mr. White’

Here is Mr. White

Checkin the views out

Bond calls him and then shoots him in the leg

Sending him scrambling

Bond’s got him

THE NAME’S BOND, JAMES BOND

Fin

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Keep it streets ahead,

CLR