Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — Die Another Day — A Reactionary Transcript #16

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the sixteenth of these case studies; Die Another Day.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

Die Another Day spoilers ahead.
Though isn’t the title the biggest spoiler of all?

— — — — — — —

ROAR
sounding especially mighty today

Bit of a remix for the barrel sequence
and the bullet was made for 3d glasses

NORTH KOREA to kick us off
the Pukch’ong coast to be exact

Couple of lads riding the waves towards a beach full of mines

doin a fine job of it as well

good grouping

soldiers patrolling the beach got no clue

IT’S JIMMY
HE CAN SURF

the three agents are planting bombs by the looks of it
and re-routing a helicopter to them

they hijack some diamond dealer with a briefcase full of, you guessed it, diamonds
Bond is now gonna go to the diamond deal as the dealer

Colonel Tan-Sun Moon’s HQ is where the deal is gaan doon

And Colonel Moon ain’t chill
he be kicking the shit out of a punching bag, but it’s got a man in it

Ha, it was his anger therapist

Colonel Moon gets his gear on and goes to meet the ‘diamond dealer’

The colonel’s got like loads of flash cars on this military base
not the best spot to keep your collection

also, he says he knows all about the UN because he studied at Oxford and Harvard

The diamond dealer was exchanging his goods for weapons
the weapons are hovercrafts
cos they float over landmines

oh, and flamethrowers and rocket launchers

Bond’s put a bomb in the diamonds
like, I think I looked away when he did, but when the colonel’s right hand man Zao goes to check them, Bond says ‘Don’t blow it all at once’, so it’s pretty obvious

Zao’s done a face check on Jimmy
And he’s gonna tell his boss

Blow it, Jimmy

Blow it

BLOW IT

They know yer JIMMY

The Colonel shows Bond some of the weapons and blows up Bond’s chopper, taking Bond hostage

OOo, the colonel’s dad is on his way (the general) and he can see smoke from the explosion
sonny boy ain’t allowed to be dealing weapons so he gotta get ’em out before daddy gets home

as the colonel rides out, Bond faces a firing squad, but he’s got his diamond in the rough
BOOM

Zao’s face gets blasted
fit

everything blows up and Bond nicks a hovercraft
love that line
He’s off after the general

all the other hovercrafts pick on James
it’s like Rudolph
and just like Rudolph, he blows the other hovercrafts to shit

even with the colonel brandishing a flamethrower

now they’re playing bumper cars

Bond holds up a very small armoured vest to defend his entire body and for some reason, nobody can aim anywhere else

Bond slams the hovercraft into top speed after DODGING A FLAMETHROWER and that sends it through a gated belltower and off a precipice into the water below, the colonel with it
Bond luckily hung onto the bell in said belltower to avoid the same fate

THEN HE SAYS ‘SAVED BY THE BELL’

but now the colonel’s dad has got James
and he ain’t happy
he arrests Jimmy
and he tortures Jimmy

OPENING CREDS

14 months of torture later and we’re back
Bond’s got a great big bushy beard

Some lads take him and sit him down on a chair for a chat with the general

general tries to get into Bond’s head, telling him his government have abandoned him
take him outside, put him in a truck
drive him to a bridge
make him walk into the fog

The general monologues about how the west corrupted his son
he wants the name of the guy in the west who his son was working with
but that’s the same person that did Bond in

Bond advances across the bridge

all the North Koreans pack up and drive off

a voice from over the bridge tells him to keep gaan

is this heaven?

no, it’s… Zao, with a load of diamonds in his face
it’s a trade
they threaten each other then feck off

Bond meets Charles Robinson of MI6, but not before Mr. Blonde has a dig
as he gaas to meet ’em though, he gets grabbed and injected, tranquilised

he’s stretchered off for tests

he seems alright

JUDI’S ABOOT

there to welcome Jimmy
but Bond’s hospital bed is behind a lot of bulletproof glass

M wanted to keep Bond in Korea
cos she wanted to keep Zao for questioning

Ooo, Bond threw away his cyanide

a top US agent was killed in North Korea and the signal for the info came from the prison Bond was being kept in
everyone reckons he cracked and was spilling the beans, but he wudna do that, I tell ya!

M goes on to Bond’s side of the glass

rescinds his double-0 status
tells him he’s no use to anyone
nice visit

he needs to go rogue and get after the guy who set him up

Bond focuses on dropping his heart rate so docs come rushing in
as they defibrillate, Bond springs up and shocks ‘em

HE’S CHECKIN OUT

he’s on a boat
why is he on a boat

jumps off anyways
and swims to shore

he’s in Hong Kong

walks in to a swanky hotel in his sopping wet hospital gear
open chested of course
still bearded

but Bond runs into Mr. Chang, an old mate who gets him his room (the presidential suite), a tailor, and some lobster
now that’s a mate

bottle of bollinger n’all
classy

mebbie, don’t know owt about wine

the masseuse rocks up after Jimmy’s had a shite a shower and a shave
her name is apparently Peaceful Mountains of Desire

Bond immediately rubs hisself against her
but only to grab her gun
then he smashes his mirror
CHANG
i thought you were his mate, ya twat
he’s Chinese intelligence
thought Bond was there to take Hong Kong back mebbie

they settle down though and Chang’s gonna help Bond get into North Korea

As Bond goes to check out, Chang gives him his papers
jets him off to…

CUBA

Havana
cos that’s where Zao apparently is

Bond heads to some spot to pick up some Delectados

gets sent up to this big boss of this sweat shop or whatever

oh, delectados are cigars

this big boss has the info

Zao is in a funny clinic that deals with experimental gene therapy shit
on the island on los organos

Bond takes a gun and some binocs

nicks a lovely open top car
dunno what it is
looks nice though

he heads to his hotel
hits the bar
orders a Mojito, what?

Bond spies a fellow who just got his appointment booked at the clinic

binocs the clinic over the water
but then sees Halle Berry
binocs her instead
Like everyone on god’s green earth would

that’s a textbook orange bikini n’all

Bond says mojito weird

This is Jynx
not the mojito, Halle Berry
called Jynx cos she was born Friday 13th

Bond looks over at a table of ruffians and says ‘predators normally appear at sunset’

Jynx looks right at Bond’s dick and says ‘wow, there’s a mouthful’

dodgy flirting here, but it’s get me interested
Oh, they be boning

go for it, folks

long sequence here

Jynx pulls a knife and peels a tiny pear

then more feckin

good stuff, alright

NEXT MORNING
Jynx is gone, Bond’s slept in, missed the boat innit
or he’s about to
sees Jynx gettin on it though

Bond wanders the halls of the hotel with a wheelchair
knocks out the guy he saw with the appointment
takes him across to the clinic

uses him to sneak about the clinic
lotsa cameras
just unplugs ‘em

finds a secret passage in the wall where the camera was pointed

it’s a feckin house of mirrors

across the lot, Jynx is having DNA replacement explained to her by some creepy doctor who says he steals the new DNA from kids that won’t be missed, bit ming
he’s quite proud of it though, calls himself an artist

Jynx says that most artists are only truly appreciated after they’re dead
shoots him
classic

Back with Bond
the apparent house of mirrors has ended

Ooo, Jynx starts a fire

Bond finds… Zao
he’s shaved his lovely locks
oh, he’s changing faces and he’s halfway through so he looks all default video game character

Zao’s got some martial arts skills though

Bond nicks Zao’s bullet looking necklace
Zao nicks Bond’s gun
Bond turns on a big magnet that sends all the sharp shit flying at them both

Zao ducks out and legs it

Sprinkler system on

Jynx plants a bomb

Jynx plays all innocent when she runs into James
Zao leaps out a window

Bond notices the dead doc is holding Jynx’s file

bomb goes off

Bond’s down
Jynx goes after Zao
takes out some goons

Bond takes out a wall to go after Zao
Jynx takes out everyone but Zao as he gets away on a chopper
then gets cornered by the military

so the dress is off and she dives off the cliff
textbook exit

Zao’s bullet necklace had diamonds in it

When he checks ’em, he sees they’re from Sierra Leone
got a mark of ‘GG’ in there
Gustav Graves
says he found ’em out in Iceland, but now Bond knows they’re from Sierra Leone

MI6 now

Moneypenny’s getting a call from Mr. Blonde, about how Bond snuck away from them

Oh, Moneypenny’s actually listening in to a call for M

Mr. Blonde is called Damian Falco here

And Falco says he’s gonna fuck up MI6 if they don’t sort themselves out
Bond must be flying to England cos London Calling is playing
gonna do some research on Gustav Graves

Jumps out of a plane with a UK parachute
music says heel, but that’s a classic face move
This be Gustav Graves

as he lands, he gets interviewed by the press
he’s becoming a knight
he’s an adrenaline junkie
he doesn’t sleep
he never gets furious
he’s trying out for the Olympic Fencing team
his publicist or whatever rushes him off
Bond was watching
Graves had a shit-eating grin like

We’re in a fencing place
whatever they’re called

Bond rocks up to meet Verity
who is Madonna
who is Bond’s fencing teacher
she tells him that he handles his weapon well
he says that he knows how to keep his tip up

Graves’ publicist is called Miranda Frost
the brilliant Rosamund Pike
first film role I reckon

Graves and Bond share a fighting look
alpha male scrap comin up

Graves reckons they’ve met before

Graves bets Bond a thousand a point in a fencing bout
Does Madonna wanna get in on it?
nah she don’t like cock fights wahey

GRAVES vs. BOND — best of three

some good fencing
maybe
dunno

1–0 Graves

2–0 Graves

Bond ups the wager
the diamonds he got from Zao

Bond is playing his hand here

here we go again

GRAVES vs. BOND II

Bond cuts Graves’ hand
he gets a bit mad

Graves up it again
real swords
first blood

Jackets off
Fancy pants and vests only

lovely feckin sword fight

Graves cuts Bond’s leg
but blood has to come from the torso

gaan all round the spot here

Bond disarms Graves but he slaps Bond and runs off

some poor lad has his paper cut in half

Graves with a mighty throw of his sword that Bond easily avoids
but then Graves gets a bloody samurai sword, chops Bond’s cock off

nah, just his sword

they’re off the balcony

Graves is gaan for it

now Bond’s gaan for it

Graves is down the steps
Bond’s done a roll
Graves is in the fountain

Bond wins as Miranda breaks it up

Graves laughs it off as a bit of fun
he’s very easy to dislike

Graves invites Bond to witness ICARUS up in Iceland

someone has left Bond a key

Off Westminster Bridge, it lets him into a clocktower
not that one

he heads down, mind
and he’s in the underground

JUDI’S ABOOT

a very short tube platform

the abandoned station for abandoned agents

Judi ain’t gonna apologise and she wants info on Graves

Bond gives it her

and the diamonds

Bond tells M to let him get on with his job

MI6
Bond’s cleaning his gun
hears something
gunshots
someone’s deed
MONEYPENNY’S DEED
oh no
Bond teks out four of ‘em
meets Charles, they go hunting together
CHAZ IS DOWN
M IS HOSTAGE
BOND SHOOTS M TO GET TO THE GUNMAN

it was a simulation
New-Q comes in to break it up
tells Q that M’s shot gave her a flesh wound, wasn’t fatal

lots of old props in Q’s lock-up here
Octopussy croc
From Russia With Love shoe and jetpack

new weapons here we go
a ring that breaks any glass
calls the new watch Bond’s 20th, COS IT’S THE TWENTIETH FILM

new car
is a flatbed train
NO
An Aston Martin Vanquish
Or an Aston Martin VANISH
THE INVISIBLE CAR

decked out with all the bells and whistles
Bond uses the guns to shoot up the manual
He’s no Desmond, but he’s tops

OOO SHIT
MIRANDA FROST IS AN MI6 AGENT
Judi’s sending her out to watch Jimmy

Frost has been on the case for three months but has found nowt on Graves
and she wants none of Bond
repulsed by the man

-

ICELAND

Bond hops out at what is obviously The Eden Project and meets a large man whose first words are ‘I’m Mr. Kil.’
Bond replies ‘now there’s a name to die for’
they didn’t try hard enough to get that one in and I love it

Jimmy spies a louge looking thing speeding across the ice
Graves is at the wheel
324 mph
not fast enough
Vlad gotta get it fixed, poor handyman Vlad

Bond and Graves have an argument about dreams in an ice hotel
another great line

also a good line ‘plenty of time to sleep when you’re dead’

Miranda Frost in an ice hotel
good stuff

there’s a diamond mine next door

AND JYNX IS HERE
YAY

cut to that night and we got an ice party baby
Bond wants some ice in his drink
he’s in the right place

Bond and Jynx meet
have a chat about penguins

Graves is off having some gene therapy shit done
gets interrupted by… Zao

oh, Graves don’t sleep cos he’s got insomnia, a side effect of the gene therapy
the machine he was on keeps him sane

GRAVES IS COLONEL MOON
undergone the gene therapy, hannee

okay, with Jynx, Bond and Frost we got a few sex jokes
Jynx tells Frost she’s with Science and Space Magazine or somet
Frost jokes that she bets Bond has been showing Jynx his ‘big bang theory’
Jynx says that she got the thrust of it
good stuff

dunno why i’ve been spelling it Jynx, it’s Jinx

time for the demonstration of ICARUS
Graves gives his speech
about diamonds, about dreams again

a satellite sprouts some balloon shit
oh no, they’re reflectors to reflect the sun onto the other half of the world
so food can grow year round and shit
good idea but dunt fuck with nature

Vlad and Mr. Kil take ICARUS away
also don’t think that stands for anything, so just Icarus

Bond follows ’em with the case
turns his car invisible and follows ’em in that
just a few tire tracks right behind some goons

Kil’s handprint gets you entry to the evil HQ
Bond hops out and spies through the windows
hot springs and plantlife

Vlad gives Graves some electric glove, 100,000 volts apparently

Bond gets caught snoopin by some goon
deals with him easy like
but Mr. Kil sees
raises the alarm

Bond sprays the goons with steam then wanders off

as he’s a wandrin he gets yanked to one side by Miranda, who kisses him
tells Bond about MI6

Miranda knows all about 007, sex for dinner, death for breakfast
good album/book/whatever title

they kiss to trick the guards
that’s the only reason she did it

now Jinx is breaking in to evil HQ
mission impossible style
she’s rockin a burgundy jumpsuit

Frost gets into Bond’s bed to keep up the charade of them bangin
then they bang
makes a joke about his age

Jinx snoops
finds Zao on his gene machine
she gets electrocuted from behind

Bond, done with his loving, goes hunting
Frost sees him off

Jinx is strapped to a thing
Zao does a slow motion jacket flick
electrocutes Jinx
interrogates Jinx
she cracks wise
classic
Zao tells Jinx that the mine is fake but the lasers are real
Laser scene coming up

Outside, Bond lasers a hole in the ice

Kil wants to kill the unconscious Jinx, but he wants to use the laser
what else was he gonna do with that name

Bond goes for a swim through the icy water
using a tasty breathing apparatus
comes up in the hot spring in evil HQ
complete with some massively inattentive bodyguards
Bond sees Jinx’s rope she used to repel down

Bond turns the laser off, but Mr. Kil is on him
this messes with all the controls, swiveling Jinx’s table and turning all the lasers on

They roll and dance away from the lasers somehow
Bond gets singed
Bond turns ’em off
But then Kil grabs him and strangles him
But Jinx is able to get the controls and lasers through the back of Kil’s head, through his mouth, just missing Bond, killing Kil

Jinx works for the NSA
Tells Bond that Zao’s in the building
tells Bond about the funny mask thing
Bond starts to connect the dots

They chop Kil’s hand off to access the doors
Bond tells Jinx to go check on his supposed ally Miranda while he deals with ‘unfinished business’

Bond waits for Graves in his HQ
AND HE SAYS THE NAME OF THE FILM
then outs Graves as the colonel

they have a tete-a-tete
he modelled Graves on Bond when he changed faces
calls his new face disgusting
his new self

IT’S FROST
she turns a gun on Graves

Graves asks Bond if he found out who betrayed him in North Korea

GASP
Miranda turns the gun on Bond
she took the bullets out of Bond’s gun

so Graves and Frost both like to win
Graves rigged it for Frost to win at the Olympics by drugging the other competitor
tit-for-tat

a tete-a-tete that ended in a tit-for-tat

Jinx goes to Frost’s room
obvs no-one there
gets locked in

Bond hands over his gadgets
not the ring though
and this spot has a glass floor

Bond turns to Zao and says ‘i’ve missed your sparkling personality’
COS THE DIAMONDS IN HIS FACE
Zao punches Bond in the gut and says ‘how’s that for a punch line?’
good comeback

but now Bond’s on the glass
breaks it all
and he’s away

Graves bellows ‘KILL HIM QUIETLY’ in Korean

but Bond is running down the side of the Eden Project
another great line

Bond gets away in the louge like thing from before

Graves promised some Korean geezers a presentation of Icarus and that presentation is a beam of feckin sunlight chasing Bond across Iceland

gotta break the land speed record now Jimmy, the sun’s on your tail

Vlad confirms that Bond beat Graves’ time

Bond is heading for a cliff

Dives right off it, but leaves a hook out, so he and his vehicle are dangling
but the ice is swiftly dropping off
bloody global warming

Bond rips the hood of the louge thing off and then whips out the emergency parachute before he drops

BUT HE’S RIDING THE WAVES
using the hood and the parachute, he’s wind surfing innee

aye, the CGI’s a but janky, but I can look away if it bothers me that much, eh

he’s back on land

Frost and Zao get to Jinx, who immediately kicks Zao in the head
Jinx is then disgusted that Bond did Miranda
but Miranda says he’s dead and he ain’t coming back
Then they lock Jinx in the room

Bond commandeers a snowmobile
back to the ice hotel

Bond snoops along the outside
then calls on his invisible car
Bond hops in
uses some of his gadgets
a snowmobile crashes into the invisible car
…
because he couldn’t see it

cover blown, he’s off
and Zao shoots down his invisible shield
Zao has a cracker green jaguar

Jinx cannot get the door open

Zao has a cracker machine gun to go with his cracker jaguar
some cracker missiles n’all

Bond is doing some swanky maneuvering though

Graves, Vlad, Frost, some Koreans, and some goons board a plane with Icarus

Bond gets flipped, but he ejects his sunroof to flip himsel up right again and avoid a missile like a fancy boy

Graves sets Icarus off again, this time melting the ice hotel
it starts to melt, with Jinx still inside

two snowmobile goons can’t stop Bond, who plows right through them into the hotel
Zao follows as they zoom round the melting palace

The only ice that isn’t melting is making up the walls of the room Jinx is in

Zao and Bond still crashing about, firing projectiles

Jinx has very little breathing space as the ice hotel collapses
she’s underwater

James drives to a dead end
Zao deploys some spikes
Bond’s invisibility is fixed
turns it on, where’d he go?
Zao drives through the wall, crashing into the pool below
good tire tread there, Jimmy
As Zao surfaces, Bond shoots out the chandelier, and it plummets onto Zao below
that’s a lot more diamonds in his face

Jinx looks a bit dead
BOND CRASHES THROUGH THE DOOR
uses his ring on the windscreen and drags Jinx inside
jets it to the hot spring
drops her right in it with a leap and a half
that’ll warm up her corpse at least

SHE COUGHS
SHE SPLUTTERS
SHE LIIIIIIVES
they kiss

SOUTH KOREA noo

Bond and Jinx meet Chaz Rob to discuss shit
Graves’ dad (the general) has been arrested
Jinx works for Falco (Mr. Blonde)
Falco knew Graves and Frost were on the same Harvard fencing team
Graves is holed up in North Korea, so Bond and Jinx have to sneak in on Switchblades, one-person stealth thingies

Falco has sent out some missile to blow up Icarus
but Icarus deals with it

Bond’s gonna snipe Graves
no shot
They gotta get on the plane
I’d feckin run
this ain’t Ryanair, they aren’t a few handy hours late each time

they hop on, no worries

Graves and co are on a plane
Graves wants his dad summoned
Graves brought his fancy cars with him
Graves Graves Graves

Graves is wearing some dumb machine
and reintroduces himself to his dad
his dad ain’t sure like

Bond and Jinx sneak in through the cargo hold

Graves and daddy Moon are about to have a moment
but daddy moon calls him ugly instead
ugly white man

Graves shows his dad Icarus blowing shit up
Bond and Jinx could make a move whenever like
it’s a big feckin plane if they aren’t about yet

Icarus is clearing the minefield between North and South Korea
Bond and Jinx waste some goons at last

Papa Moon don’t like Icarus
so he grabs a gun
Graves ain’t worried though

Jinx knocks out the pilot

Bond sneaks about

Graves still ain’t worried about a gun
Graves electrocutes his dad and nearly cries about it
shoots him as well
good measure, I guess
slow motion drop to the ground
nicks his medal

Graves spies Bond!
Bond tries to shoot, guard pushes his arm
SO HE SHOOTS THE WINDOW
ON A PLANE
OH CHRIST ON A CROSS

hat goes flying out, Vlad goes flying out, some goon, two Korean generals, all flying out
Jinx is having a time driving now

Bond and Graves are just hanging on, like
Jinx steadies ‘em
just in time for Miranda Frost to come and see to her
sword to her throat

Jinx is forced to turn autopilot on and they’re heading a bit close to Icarus like

while holding a sword to her throat, Frost says that drowning didn’t work on Jinx, so she’ll have to try somet more to the point

MI6 and the NSA are just waiting for Icarus to come get ’em like

the plane near enough goes up, all the windows out as it flies through Icarus

but it’s enough for Jinx to mount a fight
her throwing knives get seen off by Miranda’s fencing though
she even sends one flying into The Art of War

Jinx runs up the wall
and the two engage when Jinx grabs her own sword

Graves and Bond gaan at it as well

Jinx is sliced

Bond eats a slow motion boot
Graves a slow motion punch
then Bond gets electrocuted

Jinx blocks with the one hand and after Miranda says that she can read her every move…
Jinx stabs her with the knife that went into The Art of War
Read this, bitch

Miranda deed

Bond gettin leccied though
then punched out
Graves grabs the parachutes

‘oh look, parachutes for the both of us!’
*throws one out the window*
‘whoops, not anymore’

some classic villain monologue
you can’t kill my dreams, but my dreams can kill you
i’m a fan

time to face destiny
BOND DEPLOYS HIS CHUTE
time to face gravity
ELECTROCUTES GRAVES
OFF HE FUCKS
RIGHT INTO THE FECKIN PROPELLOR
GO ON, SON

that shuts Icarus off

Falco sparks up
Bond has a word with Miranda’s body but Jinx is all pessimistic — ‘looks like we’re going down together’

Bond ain’t
they open the back and climb in the helicopter Graves had knocking aboot
his classic cars get kicked out, they were a waste, must’ve had some money in the budget left over for destroying flash cars

they drop out
gotta get it turned on, like
they gaan doon
they gon’ die rich though, tonnes of diamonds knocking about in the back
OHHHHH
THEY GET IT GAAN ABOUT A FOOT FROM’T GROUND
now they’re both safe, Bond is right back on it — ‘you said something about going down together?’

there’s a flash car propped up in a paddy field

MI6
Moneypenny tapping away
Bond wanders in
He Bonders in
she sorts his tie
they snog
it’s a simulation
Moneypenny’s got the specs on from before
Q catches her writhing about on her desk
i knew Moneypenny was the aggressor in this workplace harassment case
But aye, Q catches her and she’s like ‘oh, I was just testing it out’
Q says ‘hard, isn’t it?’
she’s like ‘YEAH BOI’

I like Whishaw, but could’ve done with more of Cleese like, captured the Desmond energy
off screen, it sounds like Bond and Jinx are having it on, but they’re just shoving diamonds in each other’s belly buttons
yet another cracking line

they flirt a bit more
kiss a bit more
the film ends
Oh okay

there’s a horrid dance track over the initial creds
oh it’s a remix of the theme
didn’t think that could be worse
i kid, it ain’t too bad
this remix is though

oh it’s all the way through the credits

a member of the safety team was called Richard Careless

thanks for the subtitles, Natasha

Madonna needs a lie down

FIN

— — — — — — —

Keep it streets ahead,

C.L.R.