Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — Dr. No — A Reactionary Transcript #24

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the twenty-fourth of these case studies; Dr. No.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

Dr. No spoilers ahead.

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ROOOOOOAR

the barrel sequence has really weird tinny sounds over it
but then we get into the good stuff
nice flamboyant spin to shoot as well

straight into the…

OPENING CREDITS

The creds feed back into the flick by introducing us to the three blind mice, whose theme song is… Three Blind Mice

Four guys playing cards
one of them is called Strangways, who goes off to take a call but gets gunned down by the three blind mice, who ain’t that blind
then they escape in a hearse with the body

So now there’s a lass making a radio transmission to London but she gets gunned down n’all

We’re in Jamaica by the way

The assassins nick a key and open a filing cabinet, taking some files about ‘Crab Key’ and ‘Doctor No’

LONDON

Some nerds are reporting a broken transmission with Jamaica so they’re getting MI6 involved
so they send out a fella lookin for some bloke named ‘James Bond’

looks in a casino
good idea

Sylvia Trench is playing cards against someone with their back to camera
the dude’s winning

and he is Bond… James Bond
lovely
he’s a handsome devil
Sylvia wants to raise the stakes
Bond still wins and then he fecks off the meet this guy that’s here to get him
not before making plans with Sylvia though

Bond gets to the office and has a word with Moneypenny
he is like, shockingly handsome

anyways
it’s 3AM and Bond’s chatting with M
M says that Strangway and his secretary have disappeared — so they were MI6 agents
Strangways was checking on some interference with some American rockets that they reckon was coming from Jamaica
somet about radio beams knocking stuff off balance

A fella named Felix Leiter is down in Jamaica checking stuff out
Bond’s joining him in a few hours

a bargain bin Q rocks up and calls Bond a lady for having a small gun
so he gives him a Walther
and with that, he’s off

but in his flat, he spies something
GASP
it’s Sylvia Trench doing some putting in his living room
wearing one of his dress shirts
he says he’s busy
they have sex
and now he’s off
to…

JAMAICA

Someone tries to snap Bond’s picture as he leaves the airport
is that normal?
he hides his face anyway
photographer looks pissed

someone’s there to pick Bond up
he don’t trust it
driver seems sketchy
he checks to see if anyone sent a car
NO
so he’s gonna kick some anus now

there’s another bloke watching from a distance as well
he follows ‘em

Bond has asked to be taken for a ride
the guy’s gaan real fast cos he thinks they’re being followed
they lose ’em with a sharp right turn
then Bond threatens the driver — he wants info
driver goes for a gun, Bond hosses him from the car and then throws him about a bit — no match
he says h’s gonna give him info, but then goes for a ciggy, which is actually cyanide
then he pulls up to ‘Government House’ with this dead bloke in the back of his car

Bond’s next move is meeting the folk who were the last to see Strangways — to find his killer and whoever advertised his arrival in Jamaica
Bond and the commisionner check out Strangways’ place
try and find some clues
Bond finds a picture of Strangways with the guy who was driving the car that was following him
then Bond goes to get changed for a party

he gets a martini, mixed, not stirred
then sets his room up to see if anyone comes snooping while he’s out — hair over the doors, talc for fingerprints

he’s out for a drink with the folk Strangways was last playing cards with
they inform Bond that Strangways was into bridge a big fish fishing
which he did with a fella named Quarrel

So Bond goes and finds Quarrel down by the harbour
but Quarrel ain’t in the mood for chattin’
so he fecks off, Bond calmly follows
to a bar

they go somewhere private for a chat
but Quarrel pulls a knife while the barman (Pussfeller, an alligator wrestler) holds him
but Bond throws ’em both into some boxes and pulls his gun on ‘em
but now Bond gets a gun pulled on him by someone else
who tells Quarrel to frisk Bond
this guy is Felix Leiter
and now they’re all friends

Felix and Quarrel tell Bond that they couldn’t find anywhere that could be interfering with rockets in the islands
All except Crab Key
as they’re chatting, the photographer from the airport snaps ’em again, Quarrel goes after her and brings her back
she says she works for the paper
but she don’t
she stabs Quarrel in the side of the head, but he shakes it off
then they let her go and she says they’ll be sorry and calls ’em rats
Bond reckons there’s someone to be scared of knockin about

back to Crab Key
they say they can’t go over there because it belongs to a ‘Chinese character’ who won’t let anyone go on
Quarrel says some mates never came back from there
So Bond wants to go over there
the Chinese fella who owns it is called…
Dr. No

Bond gets a taxi back to his spot
some men are lurking in the bushes
but they can’t get a clear shot on him
it was the three blind mice! oh my

Next day, Bond goes to see Professor Dent, one of the bridge people (last to see Strangways)
Strangways had brought some rock in to be tested, and Dent says they were nowt and that they couldn’t have possibly come from Crab Key — DEFINITELY NOT CRAB KEY

Dent runs off afterwards though, down to the docks and asks to be taken to Crab Key by his seemingly usual ride
they pull up to a git factory lookin thing on the side of the island
and inside, we got a big room with a single wooden chair in it
Dent sits on it when instructed
a voice tells Dent that failure will not be tolerated and Bond must be killed
on a table, there is a cage with a tarantula in it
the voice wants Dent to use it to kill Jimmy

back in Jimmy’s hotel room and he sees that his stuff has been tampered with
and even his whiskey has been poisoned
he doesn’t do anything about his stuff being tampered with
he just now knows that it has been

he goes to sleep
but something wakes him up
it’s a feckin tarantula
he stays still
sweating buckets
it inches towards his neck
then onto the pillow, SO HE FLIPS IT
and squashes it with a shoe

the next day he goes back to his MI6 contact called Pleydell-Smith
Bond wants info on Crab Key and Dr. No but the files have disappeared
Bond has a delivery from London though
then uses a different door to leave
finds the secretary, Miss Taro, eavesdropping
so he askes her to show him round the island

Bond finds out the Crab Key samples were feckin radioactive
asks Quarrel to take him there
Quarrel don’t want to cos there’s a dragon
Felix calls it superstition
but they’ll go anyway

at the hotel, Bond has a message
it’s that Miss Taro
wanting Bond to pick her up at her flat

so he sets off while we listen to her give detailed directions

and now he’s driving
and now he’s being followed
by a hearse
and now he’s being shot at
and now there’s a roadblock
Bond avoids it
the hearse does not
it goes careening off the hillside and explodes
but Bond waves it off with a pun about funerals
so the three blind mice are dead

Bond gets to Miss Taro’s
and she’s surprised to see him
the phone rings
she answers
and tries to be quiet
SHE’S IN ON IT
Bond gets ready to strangle her
but he manages to control himself
then sex

Bond then calls for a taxi
but it’s actually the coppers
they book her
she spits at Bond as she goes
Bond goes back into her spot for a look around
nicks some of her booze
ah, to make it look like there was a date gaan on
puts some music on, re-arranges some cushions
and the bed sheets
makes it look like someone’s lying in bed
Plenty of practical spy effects in this one, like what you get these days in a kid’s comic on amateur ‘spying’

after a few hours, someone pops up and shoots the bed
it’s Dent
Bond corners him
gets a tiny bit of info out of him
then Dent tries to grab his gun and shoot Bond, but no bullets
Bond tells him ‘it’s a Smith and Wesson, and you’ve had your six’
then shoots him

Quarrel takes Felix and Bond to Crab Key by cover of night
Bond and Quarrel go onto the island and tell Felix that if they’re not back in 12, they’re in trouble

their first move is to get some sleep
excellent use of the first of your 12 hours
Quarrel drinks some rum

Bond wakes up in the morning light and hears someone singing about a mango tree
emerging from the water with some sea shells in Ursula Andress!
What’s she doing here?
Bond joins in with her song
then they have a tense back and forth
then a stroll along the beach
Ursula’s name is actually Honey Ryder, obvs
she says she comes here loads for the shells and that they used to try and catch her but they couldn’t, so now they’ve given up

Quarrel comes running up and wants to show Bond somet
It’s a high-powered boat and there’s some guards on it
so they all hide
but the guards know there’s someone there
a coupla shots but they stay hidden and then feck off

Honey says she’s seen the dragon
Bond says it was just somet that looked like a dragon
then Honey says weird things about mongeese dancing and scorpions committing suicide
then they scarper
but their boat is full of holes
so Honey recommends a good place to hide and off they go, deeper into the island

guards with dogs are coming after them
so they hide behind some reeds
then use those reeds as snorkels to hide under’t water
as the dogs leave though, one guard remains
so they’re gonna do him in stealthily
KNIFE IN THE BACK
as they presson, they pass a sign that reads ‘DANGER — do not pass this point’

they have a wash
they find tire tracks
which Honey calls ‘dragon tracks’
and there’s apparently a patch where the dragon breathed

Honey and Bond have a chat
Dr. No killed Honey’s father, a marine zoologist
and she’s been a sea shell hunter her whole life
she was staying in Kingston with a dodgy bloke who didn’t want payment for rent… until he did. so she put a black widow in his mosquito net, badass

Quarell says the dragon’s approaching
so they all go for a gander
as they run, they get told to stay where they are
then a vehicle with eyes comes towards them breathing fire
and it is painted to look like a dragon
bullets ain’t doing much to it
Bond gets one of the eyes though
But Quarrel’s a bit close!

NO!!!!

Quarrel’s been dragonned
two guys come out of the dragon and take Bond and Ryder hostage
Ryder takes a shot at them though
a good one n’all
but they get taken in anyways

Inside, they get told that because they’ve been in the swamp they’re contaminated
so a lot of folk in hazmat suits hose ’em down and give ’em a scrub
so they get stripped
Bond really wants Honey to get stripped like
telling her to go first
they treat getting decontaminated like a shower
and i suppose they should
they’re clear

they step into a cool cave
and then are greeted by a lovely lady, Sister Lily, and then Sister Rose
they get some ciggys and are invited for dinner
nice rooms as well
clothes n’all
service on call
no flights out though

good deal this

they enjoy a bit of room service but the coffee was a wee bit spiked
down they go

Bond is now in bed
and is appraoched by a man in a beige suit and metal hands
who takes a look at him and then fecks off

Honey and Bond are up and about and getting ready for dinner
and in they go

there’s a bomb-ass aquarium
they’re well below the sea here

Dr. No’s about!
he brags about his aquarium and Bond takes a pot-shot on the man who is about to feed him and has clothed him — but also drugged him and taken him prisoner — six of one, eh?
No makes a nice comparison between his aquariuam and he and Bond

so No’s just sitting about chatting with his metal hands, which he got in a nuclear meltdown or somet
Sean Cullen has somet to say about that
Bond and No agree to have Honey taken away, but it’s a bit more violently than Bond would like

Bond tries to sleeve a table knife, but No catches him and tells him to put it back
so Bond fires back with ‘does the toppling of American missiles really compensate for having no hands?’
classic

Dr. No tells Bond he is a member of SPECTRE
and he wants the world to pay
he only invited Bond in to see what the man who cost him a bit of time and effort was like
then he gets his guards to beat Bond up a wee bit while he goes to work

Jimmy wakes up in a cell
and it’s fair electrified like
so he uses his shoes as gloves to open a vent and clamber to safety
plenty of directions in these vents though
he finds one way down and he falls down it with a clatter cos there was a laser noise
then there’s a hot bit
then there’s a load of feckin’ water coming at him
then a load more
and now there’s steam
and it’s a bit warm
but he finds an exit and scampers out
a bit bloodied, a bit beaten, a bit wet
and in a lab

he knackers a guy and takes his hazmat suit
so now he can get around virtually unseen
now he’s in a bigger lab and there’s robot arms and screens showing the rocket launch and whirring machines — all the normal lab stuff

Bond wanders through
right up behind Dr. No
one of his goons is spinning a wheel that indicates the ‘danger level’
No’s checking the numbers, and Bond’s nicked the guy’s suit who was meant to be checking fuel levels — so he’s gotta go do it
now he can mess with shit
four minutes til launch

two minutes til the baddies fire their shot
a sattelite emerges just off the coast of Crab Key
Bond now suddenly ramps up the ‘danger level’
somet’s fizzing
Bond sends one of the goons flying
EVERYTHING’S GAAN WRONG NOW
ABANDON
ABANDON
GET OUTTA THERE
EVERYBODY RUNS AND NO GOES AFTER BOND
No batters him with the metal hands
and they’ve fallen onto something that’s heading down into some boiling liquid
but Bond is able to climb up, while No’s metal hands can’t grip and he gets boiled alive

Bond then legs it
goes off to find Honey Ryder while the American launch goes swimmingly
Bond punches everyone until he gets his information — where Honey is
she was tied up and being left to drown but Bond rescues her
everyone’s diving off Crab Key to escape the ‘SPLOSIONS

Bond and Ryder nick a boat and scarper

CRAB KEY GAZ UP
KABOOM

Bond and Ryder drift away
having run out of fuel
but someone comes to the rescue, a boat of US marines with Felix
they tow Bond and Honey’s boat
Bond and Ryder smooch and then Bond drops the tow line, losing them at sea

and that’s that

some quick credits
and we’re out

FIN

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Keep it streets ahead,

C.L.R.

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