Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — For Your Eyes Only — A Reactionary Transcript #10

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the tenth of these case studies; For Your Eyes Only.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

For Your Eyes Only spoilers ahead.

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That dolby digital is epic

THE ROAR

We’re away

Oh hold up

United artists first

WE’RE AWAY

Could really telegraph when Moore was gonna move in the barrel sequence

Bond visiting the grave of his wife from another film

Priest comes to get him cis a helicopter’s picking him up

Priest gives him an ominous sign of the cross before he takes off

Blofeld gets up to somet and manages to kill the chopper pilot

Then takes control of the helicopter via remote control

And he’s well good with the joystick

Shucking and jiving all over the shop

Bond tries to jump out

I wonder if it was the same Blofeld cat each time, they look similar, same face

Bond could have jumped off at several points, they’re close enough to the ground, but he wants to take control of the chopper

Blofeld keeps laughing about Bond’s impending death instead of just doing it

Bond disconnects Blofeld’s control

Funky beats ensue

Bond’s after Blofeld

Picks him up

Blofeld offers to buy Bond a deli

Bond takes the mick out the fact he’s bald

Then drops him down a smoke stack

Alright

OPENING CREDITS

We’re back

A super secret spy boat operating under the guise of catching fish

Fellas have to be handcuffed to the bench to make sure they work with this ATAC device, I’m assuming so they can’t abandon post, not that it’s just boring

WATER MINE

KABOOM

THEY BE SINKING

ELECTROCUTIONS ABOUND

He tried to self-destruct this ATAC system, but couldn’t

M gets the news — MI6

Gogol gets the news — KGB

Everybody wants this ATAC machine

Lass flying into somewhere to meet a guy with a parrot, dad or husband

Daughter i think

She knows everyone, it’s cool

Plane comes back round and shoots ‘em

But the daughter, Melina, survives

She then stares right down the camera

Okay, Moneypenny

She’s got a secret pop-up make-up cabinet

So M from before wasn’t M, it was ‘the minister’, M’s on leave

ATAC stands for Automatic Targeting Attack Communicator, orders subs to launch missiles

If someone gets it, there’s trouble

Melina’s parents were asked by the British government to secretly look for the wreckage but obvs they were killed by that pilot, who we now know is called Hector Gonzalez

Operation Undertow

Bond’s off to Madrid to find Hector

He drives past a heavily guarded house

We some some car go into it

Bond pulls onto a dirt road

In the house, a guard gets off with a girl, leaving his gun in the gun nook of a nearby tree

The house has a pool surrounded by models playing swingball

The man from the car meets Hector and gives him a load of dough

Bond spies from the bushes and gets caught

Bond’s so beige in this one

So Hector orders Bond to be taken away and then goes for a dive in the pool, but as he dives, he just belly flops and it’s revealed he was killed by an arrow, Bond uses the distraction to escape his two guards

Bond hits a guy who was just trying to run away with an umbrella and then Mary Poppins his way outta the villa

Bond comes face to face with the crossbower, and it’s Havelock, MELINA Havelock

She crossbows the dude behind Bond

She and Bond run

Guy who have Hector money takes the money back and leaves

Goons try to break into Bond’s car and it blows ’em up, along with the car

Bond and Melina chased by dogs to Melina’s yellow beetle car

Bond is apprehensive

Bond finds out who she is

They are getting easily caught and Melina even flips the beetle at one point, but the locals help them push it back over

Little dig at women drivers maybe

Or maybe just drivers who aren’t Bond

But they’re away again, the goons were delayed by a bus, so they had time

Now twisty road time

The bad guys get right next to them and they’re all holding guns, just shoot

They get rolled down a hill by the bad guys after being nudged off the road, but they land on their wheels and Melina slaps it into reverse, so Bond drives ’em backwards

Bond pulls off the ol’ brake while you’re speeding trick to get past ‘em

Then ruins an olive harvest

Bond makes a bad joke and Melina actually laughs, that might be the first time that’s happened

Bad guys end up stuck in an olive tree

They’re away

They hold up in a hotel until they can escape to a hotel

Melina is very deadpan, I like it

Melina says that Bond can’t understand revenge because he’s English, but she can cos she’s half-Greek, and Greeks always avenge their loved ones

Bond, back in England, has failed his mission

Q’s aboot

Couple of puns here

Q’s assistant SMithers has an arm cast that swings off at a rate of knots to hit people — ‘that’ll come in handy’

An umbrella with spikes — ‘stinging in the rain?’

Q responds — ‘That’s not funny, 007’

Q has had it with Bond’s shit already

The Identigraph is fired up to find the guy who paid Hector and Bond describes him as male, caucasian, late 30’s, fine light-brown hair, parted in the middle, small blue eyes, full lips, wide mouth, steel-rimmed octagonal glasses
they’ve suddenly been there for hours now

They have found the exact man of that description, Emile, Leopold Locque, an enforcer of the Brussels underworld, brutal murderer who escaped from prison after strangling his psychiatrist

The guy replacing M is a dick but Bond’s off to Italy

Snowy, snowy Northern Italy

A guy lets Bond through the door first but he looks suspicious afterwards

Lovely suite, nice view

Bond receives a secret message on his steamed up mirror

Meets his mate, Ferrara, who was the dodgy guy who let Bond through the door

For professional spies, these two are very shifty

Ferrara’s got a mate who’ll help them find Locque, his name is Aris Kristatos

They meet down at the Olympic Ice Rink

Some ice skater named Bibi is Aris’ protegee

Bibi’s American, but her coach and Aris are not American, this family is getting about

Bibi wants to go elsewhere and wants Bond to escort her

Locque is watching from afar, unbeknownst to Bond

Bond shows Aris a picture of Locque and Aris identifies him as Milos Columbo’s right hand man

Columbo is a drug smuggler apparently

And a popular detective tv show

He is known as The Dove

Aris knows him well and fought with him against the communists, but they went their separate ways after that

Bond spies Melina

She’s buying another crossbow

As Melina leaves, she is pursued by two bikers

She dodges and Bond knocks ’em off

One manages to escape though

Bond asks Melina what she’s doing in Italy and she says that Bond sent her a telegram saying to meet him there

Bond wants to send her home

Melina promises to wait for Bond to do some digging before taking her revenge

Bond goes back to his hotel room

The shower’s on

He draws his gun

It’s Bibi

She wants sex with Jimmy

He says no, wants her to get dressed

Then the best quote of all time — ‘You get your clothes on and I’ll buy you an ice cream’

Bibi still tries to kiss Bond

But he makes it out

Never thought Moore’s Bond would be the one being harassed

Bond and Bibi go skiing to watch to Biathlon

Locque is watching them though

They’re watching Eric Kriegler, the East German Biathlete, he’s very good

Bibi knows him but Eric seems like he doesn’t wanna know Bibi

Bond calls Bibi a horny sinner and leaves

Locque sees Bond leaving and sends his guys after him, including Eric Kriegler, the biathlete

He barely misses Bond

Bond has to hide while reaching for his gun and as he tries to make a run, Kriegler’s on his tail

Kriegler stacks it a few times, let the pressure get to him, should be better for an athlete

Kriegler meets Locque at the bottom, Bond hides in a crowd

Locque and a henchman who looks like Charles Dance follow Bond into a lift with a big crowd of folk

Locque is wearing a lapel pin of a white dove

It’s Bond’s turn on the slope, but he’s got Locque aiming at him from behind and Kriegler aiming at him from below

Locque’s henchman joins the slope from lower down and plants a shot to the ribs on Bond as they both slide down

They jump off, but Kriegler doesn’t know which one’s Bond, so he can’t shoot

Bond shoves the henchman down as he lands and then jumps into Kriegler

Locque’s pissed

Bond is now pursued by shooting bikers

Ruins a dinner

Nearly decapitates one of the bikers

Joins a bobsled track

He’s got no poles now, he’s going freehand

Flies off the bobsled track, grinds off a house and Kriegler can’t follow and falls off his bike, which he then throws at Bond

Yes, he throws his motorbike at Bond

Bond gets away

Bond goes to say goodbye to Bibi

He wants information about Kriegler

She tells him he’s a defector from East Germany but Bibi’s coach tries to shut her up

Some hockey lads come out onto the ice for practice

Bibi goes for her ‘rubdown’

Bond tries to leave but is harangued by the hockey boys

Literal goons

He does ’em in and then tries to run over with a zamboni, but does deposit them in the back of the net, and the scoreboard lets him know he’s won

Bond goes back to his car and finds Ferrara dead in there, strangled, clasping a white dove lapel pin

Melina is back in Greece, and Bond meets her there

They go shopping

They eat some pomegranate and watch some dancing, what a magical day

Bond comforts Melina about her parents, and tells her he’s got a lead at a casino

Because of course he does

Bond beats a guy at cards

Because of course he does

Aris Kristatos is there

Bond wins again and maybe bankrupts a guy

He and Aris go for dinner

They duel over their knowledge of wine

Aris thinks Bond is from the British Narcotics Board

They talk about drug dealer Milos Columbo and then Aris says he’s at like, the next table

Columbo goes to his office cos he’s a partner in the casino and plays a recording of Bond and Aris’ conversation, HE HAD ’EM BUGGED

Columbo goes back to his table and has a very quiet tiff with his mistress, but everyone looks

It was really quiet, the next table wouldn’t have even turned around

Bond goes after Columbo’s mistress

Melina is in the casino as well, watching Bond

Bond pretends to be a writer to get info out of Columbo’s mistress, who is an Austrian countess as well, she’s called Lisl

She doesn’t sound very Austrian

She invites Bond into her place for oysters and champagne

That’s a diarrhoea if ever i heard it

Oh wait, she’s not Austrian, she admits she’s from Liverpool and Bond says he could tell by her accent

Not exactly Stevie G, but I guess it’s there

NIPPLE

SAW IT

Female nudity in 1981, good lord

Next morning, walk on the beach

Oh, she’s a bit more scouse now

Beach buggies come after them

It’s Charles Dance Henchman again!

And Locque!

Lisl decides to run but Locque is after her and brutally mows her down

Bond is caught by Charles Dance henchman, but as Locque comes by, Charles Dance is shot in the back with a harpoon and Locque speeds off in his buggy

The harpoon shooters were these divers who are all wearing wetsuits with a white dove on them

They knock Bond out

Bond is woken up by a Greek Art Garfunkel

He is on a boat and is taken to the office of Milos Columbo

Columbo tells Bond that Aris is the bad guy, and that everything he has been told is pretty much the opposite, with Locque working for Aris and so on

Columbo says he is a smuggler, but only of gold and pistachios, not heroin

Columbo says Aris was a double agent in the war

Columbo says that Aris wants him out of the way cos he knows too much about him

Columbo pulls a gun on Bond cos he won’t drink with him

He drinks with him

They’re mates

They’re going on a raid together

Columbo keeps eating pistachios

The raid is on the coast of Albania

Locque is there and the fight is on

Loads of Columbo’s men and Locque’s men going at it

Columbo is quite inattentive, he needs to be saved a few times

Locque keeps running away

Quiet warehouse sneaky showdown

Bond sees a leaking barrel and straight up tastes what’s in there, raw opium apparently

Locque is setting a bomb

His men get run over by barrels

Locque seems to escape

Bond sees Locque perched by his car, but he sets off the detonator

Locque drives off

Bond cuts him off up some steps

Misses his shot

Cuts him off up some more steps

A lot of steps

Some nice tunnels though

Bond squares up to the car and Locque goes full speed

Take the shot Bond

TAKE THE SHOT

HE TAKES THE SHOT

MISS

HIT!

Shoulder shot

Locque goes spinning

Off the cliff

No, he’s alive and just hanging on

Bond walks over to him

Locque wants a hand

Bond kicks his car off the edge

Locque be dead

Suddenly turtle

Deep sea divers in amongst some ruins

Full wetsuits for everyone else, but Melina has a personalised skimpy one

The parrot’s name is Max

Belonged to Melina’s dad

Melina gives Bond his dad’s log book knowing full well that he wrote in a code only she could decipher, but she gives it to Bond anyways

She just wanted to show off I think

They find the stuff they need and go for a dive in Neptune, a two person submarine

Melina points out a stingray

Not here to sightsee Melina

They find the wreck of the ship that had the ATAC on it

They only have 8 minutes this deep in the water

Aris is up above and can track them

Bond and Melina make their way onto the sunken ship

SHARK

Just a baby

Bond hits his noggin

DEAD BODIES

SCREAM

Nah, i’m good

They find the ATAC machine

Right, when they left Bond said, ‘speak only when necessary’ and now he’s muttering the instructions to himself like me trying to put IKEA furniture together

For some reason the lever wasn’t pulled Bond says, mebbie cos they were drowning eh, James

Someone’s following them onto the ship

It sounds like Darth Vader from the breathing

IT’S AN ALIEN

No, just a fancy diving suit

Grabs Melina by the vagina and breaks her oxygen tank

Steals the ATAC

Bond sets the self-destruct ATAC thingy and attaches it to the diver monster

Bond is trapped by the diver monster and the has his diving suit pierced but manages to squirm away

The bomb on the diver monster’s back then explodes

Bond and Melina make it back to The Neptune with the ATAC machine

I see another submarine

It attacks!

Disables The Neptune

Puts a leak in it

Now trying to drill through it

Bond manages to back it into the wreckage and then escape

They get back to surface with the ATAC machine but they are taken hostage by Aris and Kriegler

Aris wants them killed and so ties them up and drops them in the water

He then sets up the drop with the KGB at St. Cyril’s, an old monastery, so yeah, Aris is selling the ATAC machine to the KGB and Kriegler is there on behalf of the KGB, makes sense

Bond and Melina are attached to the back of Aris’ boat, so they’re getting dragged along while tied up

Plenty of sharks aboot

Keep cutting themselves on coral

Bond gets his hands loose and gets some loose rope wrapped round a rock so the boat stalls and the rope snaps, flicking a buoy back at Aris’ boat, sending a man overboard who acts as bait for the sharks so Bond and Melina can get away

Aris wants to run Bond and Melina over with a boat now

Melina and Bond predictably dive under it

Lucky she dumped her oxygen tank about three hours ago and left it in some ancient underwater ruins

Aris thinks he’s killed ’em and Bond and Melina return to their boat

On the boat they resign themselves to defeat before Max the parrot repeats the location of the drop

Helpful Max

Some Greek/Albanian dancing, Bond looks above it all in his beige suit

Bond enters a church and goes to confession

He asks the priest to forgive him, for he has sinned

The priest replies ‘that’s putting it mildly, 007’

Q. The priest is Q

There are 439 St. Cyrils in Greece

Did Q have to go all that way to tell Bond that

Columbo knows which St. Cyrils it is and leads Bond right to it

Columbo thinks they’re outnumbered but Melina’s all like ‘i got me crossbow, mate, don’t worry about it’

Okay hold up

St. Cyrils is on the top of a mountain essentially, only accessible by cable car

But the cable car’s at the top

Bond has to scale the mountain to send the cable car back down for Columbo, Havelock et al

Then they attack

Bibi and her coach are also there, Bibi is training

Bibi is like a character from a different film, like some sorority horror film

Aris comes in and threatens to kill the coach

Bibi doesn’t bat an eye

So I think Aris is Bibi’s sponsor and wants to bang her, but Bibi’s like nah, I want the money, but no sex, so stop it please. That’s why Aris is mad at her and wants to murder

Just making Aris bad in every way now

Okay, back to Bond climbing

Nearly gets spotted when he’s spooked by a bird

Columbo eats pistachios

Bond gets to the top and is immediately spotted and kicked back down, but is saved by his carabiners

He tries to climb back up but the carabiners are shifting

The guard who kicked him off tries to repel down and knock ’em out

He gets one

HE GETS TWO

ONE LEFT

This guard has not attached himself to the rope

He’s just hanging onto it

Bond throws a knife at him, he falls

Bond waves Columbo up as he climbs up as well

That was nice

Bond sends the WICKER cable car down to get Columbo and Havelock and friends

A guard tries to look in the window and Bond hides

He gets crossbowed, all good

Bibi is trying to make her escape with her coach

Gogol is flying in to get the ATAC from Aris

Bond intercepts Bibi’s coach leaving

She helps them out

COLUMBO IS STILL EATING PISTACHIOS

They subdue the guards

Bibi confronts Aris and he slaps her

Gogol lands as Columbo and Bond finish off the guards

Though Bond is having some trouble and they go crashing through some stained glass to where Aris, Kriegler and Bibi are

Kriegler goes to shoot Bond but Bibi stops him and she gets slapped again

Kriegler’s abs are apparently too hard to feel pain

He tries to stab Bond with some candles

Aris takes the ATAC and makes a run for it

This distracts Kriegler and Bond pushes him out a window

Columbo chases Aris

A fistfight between friends

Aris kicks Columbo down some steps

But Bond comes in and grabs the ATAC

Havelock wants to crossbow Aris

Bond says no

Havelock wants him to move

Aris reaches for something

IT’S A KNIFE

Columbo throws a knife at Aris, got him in the back

Gogol wants the ATAC still though

Bond goes to hand it to him then lobs it off a cliff

Gogol’s watching it fall like ‘maybe it’ll be okay’

It isn’t

Bibi and her coach look after Columbo

Bond and Havelock making out on a boat

Q tries to reach Bond via satellite and put him in touch with Number 10

Melina wants to for a swim

Bond gives his communication device to Max The Parrot

He and Melina go skinny dipping

Q patches the parrot through to the Prime Minister

Is that actually Margaret Thatcher?

No

No it isn’t

Max the Parrot asks for a kiss from Thatcher

FIN

I wasn’t satisfied with Havelock’s ending

Or Columbo’s really

It wrapped up the espionage but not the personal shit

Shame

FIN

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Keep it streets ahead,

C.L.R.