Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — From Russia With Love — A Reactionary Transcript #9

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the ninth of these case studies; From Russia With Love.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

From Russia With Love spoilers ahead.

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THE ROOOOAAAR

The earliest barrel sequence yet and you can really telegraph his moves

Scared Bond on a bridge

Being followed

Not the hedge maze, James

A very blonde man is on his trail

Blonde fella strangles Bond and was being watched by a mansion full of polar necks

It was a Bond mask!

It’s okay, they just killed a randomer

OPENING CREDITS

Venice

At the Chess Championships

Lots of cigarettes

Who’s gonna win, the skinny nerdy guy or the skinny nerdy guy without specs?

Skinny nerdy guy without specs is being summoned

But let’s see the rest of this chess match

People are standing and murmuring — at chess

Specs guy just gives up

GUNS

ON A BOAT

Step up from chess

Chinese fighting fish

They are amusing

Number 3 is listening to Blofeld

The chess guy is Number 5

SPECTRE want a decoding machine

The cat gets one of the fish

Apart from that, it was a lot of exposition, SPECTRE need Russia and the UK to be tricked so they can get the decoder, and James Bond is likely to be knocking about

Number 3 (Rosa Klebb) is a Russian defector to SPECTRE

Number 5 is a chess player

And Blofeld has a cat

SUNBATHING

Great first shot in scenes here

That’s a pointy bikini

Blonde assassin from the start gets a massage

SPECTRE Island — how haven’t these lot been caught

There was a whole scene there where nobody was saying what they actually did

So much dubbing

The training involves running away from fire and shooting cardboard

The assassin (Grant) is wearing a very short towel

Rosa’s got brass knucks

Grant takes it like a boss

RUSSIA, A SCHOOL, MAYBE

No, the embassy

Some Russian banter

Maybe not Russia

If they’re at the russian embassy

It’s Istanbul

Tatiana Romanova is Rosa Klebb’s girl on the inside

Grant is watching her though

So Tatiana still thinks Klebb’s on the up and up

Klebb inspects Romanova… Physically

Romanova has been trained in ballet and has had three lovers

Klebb asks her why

Klebb is touching her up a lil bit

So Tatiana thinks she’s working for the government, but she’s actually working for Klebb and SPECTRE

PUNTING, SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND

Bond is making out with a woman

And they are listening to ‘From Russia With Love’ by Matt Monro on the radio

Bond has to make a phone call but the lass says ‘I haven’t eaten yet’ … What?

Oh, it’s Sylvia Trench

And she tries to get Bond to put the phone down on the British Secret Service

He does the hat throwy thing!

Noice

I don’t think M’s happy with him

Bond is told that Tatiana Romanova has fallen in love with a picture of him

He calls her mental

So modest

He then calls it a trap

Ooo, Bond’s seen a picture of her now and I think we know his motivation

M tells Bond to be sexy

Q!

Briefcase with bullets in it

And a knife

Folding sniper

Money…?

Tear Gas in a talc bottle

Handy case

Moneypenny’s a lot more forward

What is their relationship?

He then gives her a signed photo of someone else

Is James Bond’s selling point that it does everything other spy and espionage films do but with sexiness?

ISTANBUL AIRPORT

A car has been sent to pick up Bond

This often doesn’t go well

But they got code, dig it

Ooo, Grant’s watching them

So is Groucho Marx

He pulls up and that car don’t look parked, just jacked up on a curb

Trotting through a bazaar

Bond meets Kerim Bey, a mate, and I think it’s insinuated that he just slept with a woman for whatever reason

Kerim Bey is a former circus man

Bond then gets told to spend a few days in Istanbul then go home, the girl’s not worth it

The guys in charge ain’t very good here

Grant has kidnapped Groucho Marx’s driver

They’re putting the Bond music in very undramatic places

He’s literally in a lift

The volume of the music is altering drastically as Bond LOOKS AROUND HIS HOTEL ROOM

It builds to a crescendo as he picks up a telephone

So the room’s bugged

And the hotel staff are in on it

Grant, an Englishman, parks a car outside the Russian Embassy in Istanbul with a dead body of a Russian in the back

Framing the English

Kerim’s trying to a crossword and some woman keeps saying his name seductively

Is Kerim a prostitute? He says ‘back to the salt mines’ and then goes to kiss her

Luckily, an explosion gets him out of it

Kerim and all his employees wear the same suit

James and Kerim go on an underground boat journey together

And they visit…

Underneath the Russian Embassy

They can spy on them

The General in there is shouting at a man Bond and Kerim can’t see

The man is Krilencu, a Bulgarian assassin

We go from being worried about a killer to Bond checking out Tatiana’s legs as she walks in

Bey tells Bond not to stay at the hotel

So takes him to stay with some gypsies

Krilencu knows where they’re going and is pretty much already there

Solid plan, Kerim

At the gypsy camp, two lasses have fallen in love with the same lad and have threatened to kill each other so Kerim and James pull up a chair and watch

Fair enough, custom and all that

FIRST, BELLY DANCING

To the tune of Let’s Get It Started’ by Black Eyed Peas

Krilencu and his men start attacking the camp, silently

Grant is also there

FIRST, A LOT MORE BELLY DANCING

Flirts with Bond

And now two women will fight to the death?

Bey tells Bond to do nothing

They go at it

Gone from hair-pulling to strangulation

One was about to smash a bottle on the other but Krilencu and his lads start shooting the place up

SOMEONE SAVE THE HORSES

Bey’s gun isn’t working so he just sits there shaking it about while everyone runs

He’s lucky he only gets shot in the arm

Bond trips a guy up

Then sends a flaming caravan into some gypsies, who I believe are on his side

No one is aiming for Bond so he’s just pottering around throwing people into lakes and pushing folk over

He just stood in the middle of everyone like a sitting duck

Grant shoots the people around Bond to save him… Suspicious…

They somehow survive

For saving the head gypsy’s life, Bond gets a favour and he asks him to stop the girls fighting

So noble

What he really means is that he wants a threesome

No, he just wants them to repair his clothes

And he’s off

A bit more of a gent if still not a gent

Bey and Bond attempt to kill Krilencu under cover of darkness, but Bey is wearing a massive white hat so everyone can see him

They hear footsteps

Couple of coppers

The cops are Bey’s men and they ring Krilencu’s doorbell so he tries to escape out the window, but Bey snipes him dead

Bond goes back to chill his hotel room

But he smells somet

Crime, I bet

Now he hears somet

Trouble, I bet

He’s got himself completely vulnerable in just a towel

Goes to check it out

In an adjoining room, he looks through the glass door and sees some bum

It’s Romanova

Her friends call her Tania

His friends call him James Bond apparently

Bond calls her beautiful and Tatiana says she thinks her mouth is too big

Just setting James up really

I mean, Bond does sleep with her, but he was all about business first, making sure she knew stuff and was the real deal

Then they got down to business

While being watched by Klebb and Grant

Lovely

SAINT SOPHIA MOSQUE

Bond’s getting a tour, about to meet Tatiana

Groucho Marx is back on Bond’s trail

No, Marx is following Tatiana

Bond spies Marx

Tatiana leaves a pocket mirror or somet on the ground and Marx goes to pick it up but he’s knocked out by Grant! Who popped up

Grant leaves the mirror and Bond gets it

It’s got a plan to the Russian Embassy inside

Bey and Bond back at base discussing the plans

Bey says it wasn’t one of his men who killed Groucho

He’s dead? He was hit in the neck by Grant! Weak neck, mate, up your game

Bey accuses Bond of thinking with his dick, reckoning that Tatiana is setting him up, but they end up laughing about it

TAKE SHIT SERIOUSLY, LADS

ON A BOAT

Bond meets Tatiana

Bond uses his camera with a recorder in to record Tatiana’s information about the decoder

Respect to him, she’s trying to sway him but he’s all business

Maybe cos all of MI6 are listening in

Bond’s about to tell a story about M to Tatiana, but M turns it off

What did M get up to?

Bond rocks up to the Russian Embassy to ask for a visa

EXPLOSION

Bond’s doing, with Bey

Bond runs in and gets Tatiana and the decoder

Then escapes underground where Bey’s underground scope is

A flood of rats makes Bond turn back

Is that a threat?

Bey, Bond and Tat head out the back door

They try and board a moving train but Tat sees Benz, a member of security at the embassy

Benz runs after and gets on the train as well

The three of them are in their cabins

Grant is also on the train

Bond does a magic trick to woo Tat

Bey sees Benz looking for Tatiana

Bey pervs on Tatiana

Bey and Bond are planning to jump off, without Tatiana?

Bond and Bey tie up Benz, so he can’t mess with them, Bey tells Benz about his life while Bond goes for a wander

Grant is knocking about

Tatiana pretends to have a moustache

Tat and Jimmy prepare for tea with Kerim

These are two gorgeous people, Tat and Jimmy, wow

Someone gets Bond’s attention, a terrible accident with Mr. Bey

He’s dead

He and Benz apparently killed each other

RIP Bey

Bey’s son waiting for him to jump off does not receive anyone to jump off, something’s up

Bond’s a bit mad

Blames Tat

Bond’s back to business

Tat plays the love card, Jimmy ain’t ‘avin it

BELGRADE

Jimmy hops off for a fag but is being watched by Grant

Bond meets a mate

One of Bey’s other sons

Bey’s son more professional than his pa

Stays on the mission

Grant watched it all

Train’s off again

ZAGREB

Grant pops off for a fag

Meets a fella

Takes him to the toilets

Comes back out with a hat and a case

Ah, Bond thinks Grant is his contact

Grant poses as Captain Nash

They discuss plans but Bond’s onto somet here

Robert Shaw’s dialogue sounds dubbed throughout, and I can’t tell

Grant drops somet in Tat’s drink

If Tat’s miserable now, wait til that kicks in

Bond knows he put something in her drink, pulls a gun on him

Grant plays it off like his escape is only for one, so the girl can’t go with Bond, maintains his cover

Grant, while showing Bond the plan, knocks him out

Bond wakes up and knows the plan, he’s a bright bulb

Grant’s been keeping tabs on Bond to pull off this plan, to get the decoder from him

Bond finds out Tat ain’t working for SPECTRE

Grant is starting to spill the whole plan, don’t need to do that, but he did say he likes to watch Bond squirm, so that kinda explains it

Also blackmailing Bond with his sex tape, stunning plan really

Swift backhand from Grant to Bond

Grant lets Bond have a ciggy for a price

Tells Grant he’s got 50 gold sovereigns in his case

Hands ’em over

Grant goes for the other case for more money

BUT IT’S THE GADGET CASE

TEAR GAS EVERYWHERE

Grant’s pretty lish

But Bond’s good n all

stiff men in stiff suits hitting visually unappealing moves

But it’s rough lark

Grant goes for the garotte, but Bond stabs him in the arm and turns the tables, strangling Grant

Good that

They’re at the border, Bond needs to git gaan

He gets Tania up and ships out

They get under the train to hop across the border

Grant’s mate was waiting there for him

Bond traps his fingers in the hood of a car and knocks him out

Worked a treat

Bond and Tat make their escape in a flower truck

Ooo, ominous helicopter overhead

The SPECTRE-copter, I assume

They drop a grenade on the truck, but only just miss each time

Bond runs away telling Tat to hide under the truck

The helicopter tries to run Bond over

These lads not have guns

I like that there’s no music

Bond manages to shoot one of ’em with his folding gun and he drops a grenade he’s already pulled the pin out of

BOOMY CHOPPER

Bond and Tat get themselves to a boat

And off they go

Happy ending?

Bond has donned a lovely sailors cap

Blofeld is unhappy with Klebb and chess-man, whose name is Kronsteen

A big lad walks in and kicks Kronsteen in the leg with a poison tipped spike from a shoe

Blofeld sends Klebb and the big lad to clean Bond up

Maybe not a happy ending yet

They’ve found Bond and Tat

The chase is on

Pretty awful shots these SPECTRE lot

Oh, they’re just warning them, trying to stop them

Bond drops his fuel barrels in the water with bullet holes in them

Bond fires flares at the barrels, sending the boats up in flames, really painful looking actually

Big bang, baddies bye

HOTEL ROOM

Tat and Bond’s happy ending

A maid comes in

I think it’s Klebb

No happy ending just yet

Klebb eyes the decoder

Tat recognises Klebb

Klebb pulls a gun

Tat obeys Klebb’s orders and the two head out with the decoder

OOO, Tat takes down Klebb

Klebb gets her poison pointy shoe out

Tat grabs the gun and shoots Klebb

Bond says that Klebb’s had her kicks

And after that, an immediate cut to Matt Monro’s number

Tat and Bond now share a romantic boat ride

Bond pulls the film of their sex tape out to examine

He says he’ll show Tat

GET IT

SEX ON A BOAT

At the end it says

NOT QUITE THE END

Considering it was the 2nd Bond film and we’re about the have the 25th about 50 years later, yeah, NOT QUITE

FIN

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Keep it streets ahead,

C.L.R.