Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — Goldeneye— A Reactionary Transcript #4

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the fourth of these case studies; Goldeneye.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

Goldeneye spoilers ahead.

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Lots of warnings, not even in the film yet

Been sat here for a day or two

We’re in

The barrel sequence has funky music

Not the normal one

Plane flying over a dam, lovely start

Oh, the dam’s the focus, not the plane

A rope laden man runs across the dam and starts a rad abseil

Wait no

It’s a bungee

Is this Bond? Cos it looks like his stuntman

He repels himself to the floor when it just seems likes gravity could do that for you

Brosnan was the new Bond here and one of the first things he does is spy on a Russian on the toilet

But it’s okay cos he forgot to knock

Now he’s spying on butchers

Havin a butchers on the butcher

He gets caught by a Russian

But it’s okay, cos it’s Sean Bean

WHO IS 006

They’re doing this for England, which is nice, I guess

They’re breaking into a base by the way

And they’re in

An alarm’s gone and they’re struggling

But they’ve set their bomb for 6 minutes and now they’re hiding behind what looks like some very flammable liquid as the Russians struggle to get through a window

They hired some very acrobatic stuntmen

006 doesn’t respond to Bond’s wisecracks so he knows he’s been caught

Bond switches the timer to 3 minutes

So this Russian guy gives Bond to the count of 10 to come out, but then 006 shouts ‘For England’ and the Russian dude shoots him, getting rid of his only bargaining chip, then admonishes his men for shooting at an emerging 007 cos the stuff IS flammable, even though they were shooting at it moments earlier — How did this guy make colonel/general?

Bond manoeuvres along behind a trolley of flammable shit so they can’t shoot him, but one sweaty soldier does and his general kills him

After being told he can’t win, Bond drops barrels on em all and runs outside

WHERE THE PLANE FROM BEFORE IS

Shootout

He’s running after the plane, catches it, hosses the pilot out

We see the pilot get hit by a motorbike and go flying

Bond also fell out the plane and is now on said motorbike chasing the pilotless plane

Both have gone off the edge of a cliff but Bond has skydived into the pilot seat aaaannnd…..

Has steered it to safety

The base then blows up and this cues Tina Turner

OPENING CREDITS

NINE YEARS LATER and Bond is scaring his passenger by driving very fast

So Bond’s on a date on this fast drive, right, and she’s all like ‘I enjoy a spirited ride as much as the next girl, but-’ and this lass pulls up next to them also driving fast and giving Bond the eye, so Bond’s date asks who she is, and Bond says ‘the next girl’

Why did you go on a date with this woman if yer gonna eye up strangers, James

The other lass wants a little chase me chase me game

The other lass nearly bangs into a tractor

I think the other lass is Jean Grey

Oh wait, he’s not on a date, the woman in his car is psychologically evaluating him

He must be trying to fail

The two cars run into the Tour de France

No contact is made, but all the cyclists fall down

Bond bangs the woman who’s evaluating him by merely presenting a bottle of champagne he hides in his car but when I present a bottle of fruit shoot I’ve had in my glove compartment for a year, I’m creepy

He’s at a party now

He suits a tux

Obviously, it’s a casino

And he’s in

I think it’s poker

No, it’s baccara

Jean Grey is there as well and they begin flirting openly

This is a busy table and they’re on about feckin each other

I don’t know how baccara is played ad they’re playing it silently, so I assume Bond is winning because it’s his film

So she orders the same drink as James but asks for her martini ‘straight up, but with a twist’, so I think she’s a baddie

So Jean Grey’s name is Xenia Onatopp

Not as bad as Pussy Galore I suppose

Jean Grey is Georgian in this

Not the state

The country

Bond says that he shoots in and out of Russia occasionally

Bond and Jean Grey are having it out over some saucy counterfeit licence plates when some little bald dude comes up to Jean and in a very mumbled Yorkshire accent says ‘Should we go?’

Is this her dad?

Jean and her dad leave and now we start watching some mimes

Everyone claps the mimes for doing very little

Bond spies on Jean and gets the name of her boat — The Manticore

But Bond sees a bigger boat, and this one has a helicopter on it

The CD player in his car is a printer, briliant

M pretty much says that Bond should follow Onatopp but not fuck her before Moneypenny hopes Bond can stay ‘onatopp of things’

Cut to Jean Grey fucking her dad

I don’t think it’s her dad

She’s fair rough

I wouldn’t do this to my dad

Onatopp squeezes her dad to death and gets pleasure from it while some other guy steals her dad’s ID card

Bond sneaks on a boat and beats up a guy using a towel

Now there’s a party on this boat while Bond whops his gun out and is havin a snoop

Finds Onatopp’s dad’s body and runs away

The party is for a big new helicopter

Onatopp is below decks and flirts with two pilots who think they’ve gone to heaven

Onatopp says ‘not yet’ and shoots them

NOW SHE’S THE PILOT

Bond tries to get to the helicopter but is restrained

The helicopter flies off, everyone’s clapping and the scene ends

Now there’s huskies and we’re back on a ‘space weapons control centre’ in Russia

Lots of computers

This Russian dialogue was written by an American

Alan Cumming calls the Americans slugheads

Alan Cumming hacks the FBI

Okay, that scene was to set up that they have hackers and stuff but then the helicopter lands and we’re back

It’s Jean Grey and the general who killed 006 from 9 years ago

The general is called Orumov I think

Orumov has a funky hat on

I dunno how they’re taking him seriously

They’re testing somet

It’s called Goldeneye

No doi

Orumov gets goldeneye and then Onatopp shoots everyone and gets a bit excited

Alan Cumming was outside having a cig so he’s okay and so is Izabella Scorupco who was also there that I didn’t mention earlier

So Goldeneye is an online missile launcher

Bad space set

The alarm’s gone off and folk are coming

Onatopp has found Izabella’s getaway

Izabella went through the ceiling to escape but I forgot to mention

Onatopp shoots at the ceiling, probs gettin Izabella

The GOldeneye missile is coming from space so Onatopp and Orumov have time to fuck off on their heli

MI6!

Bond hits on Moneypenny

New MI6, same old Bond

Moneypenny sits him down

Bond asks what the punishment is for sexual harassment and Moneypenny tells him that he’ll have to make good on his innuendos, which is not the punishment

Bond talks to Tanner, who’s found the helicopter

HERE’S JUDI

Tanner gets sat down by M

M has a random go at CNN

Ooo, Izabella hid in the cupboard but moved the ceiling tile to throw off Onatopp, good thinking

Izabella surveys the dead and then sees that a missile is about to kill her

Wait

It’s not a missile

It just makes all the electric stuff blow up?

MI6 have it up on livestream

Some planes flying overhead have their pilots electrocuted, but the heli with Onatopp and Orumov in is fine

Izabella is also fine

Somehow

This tiny computer shed is still standing after a jet just crashed into it

Izabella’s name is Natalya

Ceiling caves in and I think Nattie has a way out

It is, Goldeneye is an electromagnetic pulse (EMP)

Bond reckons there was an insider to get the base blown up and sees the heat signal for Natalya on the map

Natalya finds some huskies

Russia are covering it up

The enemies now have a name, they’re called the Janus syndicate

They restocked the Iraqis

No-face lead man

Onatopp is only confirmed contact

Judi makes her mark as M with a bit of bourbon

Orumov is spelt Ourumov

M reckons Bond don’t like her because she’s an accountant, but she says that she don’t like him cos he’s a ‘sexist, misogynist dinosaur, a relic of the Cold War’ OOF

Then she says she could send him out to die if it was worth it, SAVAGE

006 was called Alec Trevelyan

Bond wants revenge, M tells him not to, and to come back alive

ST. PETERSBURG!

Ourumov attends a meeting

Ourumov tells the defence minister that the Goldeneye thing was committed by Siberian seperatists and then he resigns

The minister asks him about the two missing technicians, and Ourumov’s all like, woah, hold up, I only thought there was one, Boris Grishenko

Ourumov is pissed and the defence minister is all smug

Q-BRANCH!

Q’s got a broken leg but the cast is just a missile

He’s up and about showing off a BMW

Q reminds Bond that he has a licence to kill not to break the traffic laws

Next gadget, normal belt, NO, it repels

A x-ray document scanner

Clicking grenade pen, three clicks arms it, three clicks disarms it

Bond picks up a sandwich and Q gives him a classic ‘DON’T TOUCH THAT!’ like it might be a bomb or somet, but it’s just his lunch

Bond’s in Russia and he meets…An American who doesn’t like suave spies

This guy Jack Wade was risking getting shot because he didn’t want to be all spy-like and have passwords, even though he works for the CIA

Wade has a crap car and asks if Bond does any gardening

Natalya escapes

Wade’s car breaks down

Wade says that the leader of Janus lives on an old armoured train

ZUKOVSKY’S ABOUT

Valentin Zukovsky is the bad guy’s competition for… Terrorism?

Natalya’s in to buy some computers, but I think she might be hacking

WAIT, she gets in touch with Boris

Boris wants to meet with Nattie

Bond wants a hand from ZUkovsky, despite stealing his car and his missus and shooting him in the leg

Nattie goes to the meeting place, a church

No-one aboot

She stands right in the middle, exposed, in case it’s a trap

Which it is

Boris finds her, but so does Jean Grey

Zukovsky owns a weird strip club that does country music

He gets Bond as a hostage

Bond takes the piss out of the singing and Zukovsky shoots the chair by his balls

The singer is Zukovsky’s mistress

Has a weird chuckle brothers back and forth with his henchman

Bond calls him fat

Then he asks for an exchange of favours

Valentin reckons that the Janus leader is a Cossack

He mentions that so he can have a dig at the Brits

Now Bond is swimming in a pool

I think I followed the previous scene, but it had a lot of dressing that hid the point somewhat

Bond gets out of the pool and follows a woman whom he promptly throws to the ground

It’s Onatopp

She tells Bond that he don’t need the gun and Bond retorts with ‘well that depends on your definition of safe sex’

She gets up and snogs him with no resistance from this master spy

She bites him, he shoves her, she gets off

They have a scrap on the floor and around the sauna which gets her off

It’s quite great cos the rougher he gets, the more she likes it

Bond points a gun at her and asks her nicely to take him to Janus

Which means her enemy is space

Bond knocks her out once she takes him to Janus

Oh, here’s the weird graveyard full of statues of communist leaders

He keeps thinking STalin’s head is an enemy

Which it kind of is

There’s a familiar voice

And emerging from next to a bust of Lenin is…

006! BACK FROM THE DEAD

SEAN BEAN ISN’T DEAD

Oh, so 006’s parents were Cossacks

Janus is a two-faced Roman god

006 is scarred because Bond put the timer down to 3 minutes instead of 6

Bond gets tranqued

Bond wakes up in a ticking seat with Natalya kicking his seat

They’re tied up and I think a bomb’s about to go off

Just a guess

Oh no, the missile’s launch from the chopper

And then come back to the chopper, this seems convoluted

Bond headbutts the eject button to get em both out

Natalya shins Bond for helping her out

As they scrap, a couple of cars pull up and they have guns pointed at them

Nattie and Jimmy sittin in a cell, and slightly more they are going to gel

They get to know each other very quickly

Nattie says she doesn’t know anything, and Bond wants her to start with what she does know… What?

Nattie names Boris as the traitor

Defence minister comes in and says good morning to Bond, but not Nattie, bastard

As Bond and the minister argue, Nattie’s all like stop being so masculine, it was feckin Ourumov

A sweaty Ourumov runs in saying he should be interrogating them

He threatens the minister and shoots him and his guard, he’s good with a gun this Ourumov

Shite in a fist fight mind

Bond nicks a gun and off he goes, gunning down Russians from every position

More acrobatic stuntmen

THEY’RE IN THE ARCHIVE shouts a Russian soldier to other Russians in perfect English

This Ourumov is fair creepy lark

Bad shot Russians, good shot Bond

Bond swings over the Russians, out a window and into their tank yard

Ourumov escapes with Natalya

Lots and lots of soldiers on Jimmy here like

Bomb ass tank bursting through the wall NOICE

Chasing an old car in a tank, lovely stuff

Gridlock in St. Petersburg

Ourumov squeezes his car down a little alley and Bond follows in a tank, destroying numerous local businesses

Some Russians just full on drive into the river

Ourumov tells his stunt driver to run some folk over

Bond drives his tank at some coppers gettin em to reverse away

Ourumov is havin a feckin sniffter on his way around in this chase, what a boss

Some of this has gotta be improv n all

Bond crashes his tank through that Pegasus statue and it sits nicely on top of his tank

Bond is a lovely choreographer

Adjusts his tie the beauty

BRILLIANT

So Ourumov thinks he’s gotten away with Natalya and onto this aforementioned armoured train, but then the snoot of the tank sneaks into shot and then we see Bond’s larl bonce spying out of the tank like he can’t possibly be seen in his gargantuan war machine

The armoured train sets sail

Trevelyan is having a nice meal on board

He says to Ourumov that it ain’t good he let Bond escape

Now Alec is gettin creepy with Nattie

THE TANK

THE TANK IS DRIVING UP TO THE TRAIN

LIKE THE FRONT OF IT

Alec tries to rape Nattie

Alec also wants to ram the tank on the tracks

SHOOTS THE TANK

TRAIN ON FIRE

STILL GAAN

BOND OOT TANK

TRAIN HITS TANK

HAYWIRE ON BOARD

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR

Nattie tires to run but Ourumov catches her

Bond’s on board

Alec says that Nattie tastes like strawberries

Bond’s got Alec in his crosshairs, followed by Onatopp, BUT, Ourumov is behind him, with a gun to NAttie’s heed

Bond tells Ourumov that Alec’s a cossack and Ourumov’s a bit hurt

Alec wants more money than God, huh? Is he known for being rich?

Spins and shoots Ourumov, Alec and Xena escape

Alec and Xenia lock Nattie and Jimmy in the train, probs gonna blow it up, but Nattie reckons she can hack Boris to see where the baddies are off to

Alec sez the bomb’s set for the same six minutes he got, so three minutes ya smug git

Boris is spinning his pen and chilling while hacking, but then he gets hacked

Nattie tries loads of different words for butt to try and hack into Boris’ computer cos Boris is a perv

When she asks Bond he’s all like ‘… Huh?’

Nattie nearly tracks ’em but Bond drags her out to escape

He’s near Cuba though

Boris, the master hacker, his password, right, was ‘CHAIR’, and he left a really obvious hint. Like at the start of the film when I heard the hint (which is ‘I sit on it, but I don’t take it with me’) I thought, nah, it can’t be chair that’s too obvious for a master hacker

NATTIE SUDDENLY WANTS TO FECK BOND

Oh shit, this is for real, I thought we were gonna get a fakeout

Okay, so they got time to fuck before catching Alec

Then they get a nice car and nice clothes and head for the Carribbean, PRIORITIES, FOLKS

A plane lands in front of them and it’s…. Wade, I think

Indeed it is

Wade has brought Bond a present from Q

Wade of the CIA ‘has no involvement in this Cuban mission’

Wade aks is Bond checked out Natalya, and Bond’s like ‘yeah, sure! Head to toe winkwink’

Wade tells Bond that if he’s looking for a satellite in Cuba, it ain’t there because you can’t light a cigar in Cuba without the CIA seeing it

Bond has the options to go in with Marines, but he’s like, NAH, I’LL DO IT BY MYSELF WITH THIS COMPUTER ENGINEER

Bond is not sitting wistfully on a beach

Natalya makes sure he’s aight

Nattie is very blunt

None of the kissing in this has looked nice

Perhaps he was kissing her forcefully to reflect his similarities with Trevelyan, or maybe it’s just his style, points off

ALEC IS TAKING OVER THE WORLD AND YOU’RE HAVING AN EVENING KIP TOGETHER AND GIGGLING, GET ON WITH THE MISSION, JIMBOB

They’ve gone for a fly

At the start of the mission, they’re still avin a giggle, which is nice to see, work and pleasure combined, nice

They can’t see that satellite

LAKE MISSILE

The plane is going down

It’s down

Aaaaaaaand… They’re okay!

Well NAttie looks dead

Jimmy’s cool though

And I think Nattie’s breathing

Oh no, maybe not

Bond passes out

Wakes up with a helicopter over him

Coming down from the chopper is….

ONATOPP WITH A FLYING KICK

Xenia licks Bond, then twists his nipples, then tries squeezing him to shit

She headbutts Nattie

Bond straps her back on to her zipline thing, shoots the chopper pilot which sends her flying back into a tree which she can’t get passed, so she gets squeezed to death, weird, sexual irony

Helicopter crashes, Nattie and Jimmy escape

Nice base, Alec

Alec wants the dish prepared but Boris is being pissy

He does it anyway

THE SATELLITE WAS IN THE LAKE

Bond looks at Nattie like ‘this is takin ages innit’

Alec can see Bond and Nattie sneaking in

OOO, Alec is aiming Goldeneye at London

Nattie and Jimmy slide down the bowl where the lake water was cos they’re gettin shot at

Boris and Alec turn the keys and London is targetted

IT’S ARMED

Alec sez ‘God save the Queen’

Bond gets in all guns blazing and sets a bomb

He surrenders after sliding his gun to them

He gets searched and taken to Alec but he’s put the bomb on a tanker of some flammable shit and then made the flammable stuff leak all over’t shop

We’re in the final sequence here and I love the final sequence

Alec wants Nattie found

Alec searches Bond for all his gadgets, knowing his watch is probs somet, but he misses the grenade pen

Alec presses Bond’s watch and the bomb does somet

SOOOOOO, Alec has hacked the bank of England to get the money and then sets off Goldeneye to get rid of proof of the transactions

Nattie’s done somet good though

Alec wants to erase EVERYTHING

Bond and Alec get psychological

OOOO, Alec sez that Bond is a drunk womaniser who lets people close to him die

Nattie slaps the shit out of Boris

Bond sees Boris twiddling his pen and it was like a lightbulb appeared aboved his head

Boris job-shames Nattie before being put in his place by her expert hacking

Boris then tries to hack back while spinning his pen

Nattie has made the satellite re-enter, stopping Goldeneye

EVERYONE IS JUST STOOD

IT’S PROPER TENSE

TENSE HACKING

HE CLICKED IT THRICE

BOND KNOCKS IT

BOOOOOOOM

Nattie and Jimmy get away

Boris hops away

Alec just mills

All the important people are good though

N and J get up to the satellite

Boris is back to work despite the fire, diligent, I like that

Alec will still kill him if he moves though

8 MINUTES TO RE-ENTRY

Bond has to run up to the satellite while Alec gets a nice lift

Lovely dive roll doon the stairs by Jimmy though

Boris breaks some codes or somet and repeats a line he said before ‘Yes! I am invincible!’

Bond jams the satellite mebbie

Aye

Bond can hear Akec, but he can’t see him

THERE HE IS

AGENT FIGHT

One gun, two agents, WHO WINS

Not normally one to diss it, cos I’m not great, but the combat here is… Fine. Mebbie the camera ain’t in the right place

Alec gets the gun, but Bond drops down on a ladder

A fine temporary move, but there’s Alec if you climb up and death if you drop down

Alec follows him down nonetheless

And Bond goes up

Alec slides down and knocks Bond off, but Bond grabs himself on the last rung with one hand

Alec goes to stamp him off

HE DOES

Oh, there’s an extra little bit of satellite just for drama

OOO, Alec ordered a helicopter to shoot Jimmy, but Nattie got in the chopper, that distracts Alec, who was strangling Jimmy, but Jimmy kicks him off and ALEC TUMBLES

BUT JIMMY CATCHES ALEC

Alec: For England, James

James: No, for me

DROPS THE FUCKER

Spine first, the bitch is dead

No, he’s not

Sean Bean is very un-Sean Bean in this film

Uh-oh, the satellite blows up

And it drops on Alec

I reckon he’s deed noo

As well as everyone inside

Oh, but not Boris

He utters ‘Yes! I am invincible!’ one more time but then all the liquid nitrogen or whatever explodes on him, freezing him up

Bond’s aight

Nattie’s aight

They gonna bang on the grass

But Nattie’s scared someone’s watching

Wade wanders up and all his marines were hidden in the grass, pervs

The marines don’t look real, they just stand perfectly still as Bond and Natalya are actually cute together for once

They fly off

AND THE FILM ENDS

This is the problem with some Bond films, it’s like they run out of time cos the bad guys dies like a minute before the credits roll, a little bit of a debrief would be fine, but nah whatever

Also the credit song is fine, but it’s no Goldeneye

FIN

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Keep it streets ahead,

CLR

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