Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — Goldfinger— A Reactionary Transcript #3

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the third of these case studies; Goldfinger.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

Goldfinger spoilers ahead.

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Man walking across the barrel is obviously not Connery and doesn’t know how to walk

Shady marina with some smooth jazz

Bond is swimming in with his diving equipment on and a seagull disguise on his head, seagulls famously known for floating up to shore

The footage suddenly sped up for him removing the seagull

Shoots a rope gun to get over a wall, but the rope is clearly thrown from somewhere else

WE ARE FORTY SECONDS IN AND THIS IS ALL MIND-BOGGLING

Drops on a security guard and kicks the shit out of him

This marina is now a power plant of sorts

Bond’s in through a hatch

This power plant has a fancy office with dead flowers decorations

He’s setting a bomb in the lovely dead flower office

Strips off his wetsuit and what a dashing white tux

This marina and power plant also has a bar with a belly dancer

EXPLOSION

Bond so chill, everyone else screaming

Oh, he was meeting someone and needed a distraction

He’s eyed the belly dancer, oh no

Walks in on her in the bath

Thy make out immediately

WAIT, man with a club sneaking up on James

James sees him in the reflection of her eye and spins her round, using her as a human shield before knocking about the bad guy

They’re just hurling furniture atone another

This is not very well coreographed or they are actually fighting

Knocks him in the bath and throws an electric fan in there with him, electrocuting him, proudly proclaims ‘Shocking’

As the belly dancer wakes up, he repeats his pun to make sure she heard it and takes his leave

OPENING SEQUENCE

Welcome to Miami Beach a banner tells us

UN Headquarters or somet get shown

There’s a pool behind it

Guy does a sick flip off the top diving board before we cut to some perv in a suit watching women

Perv has found his man, he’s found Bond

SHit, the perv is Felix!

So Bond was getting a massage off this lass but he tells her to go when Felix arrives so they can have some man talk, then he slaps her on the rump, what a time to be alive

Felix is here with a mission

It’s about Goldfinger, who is English, apparently

Goldfinger is wandering down the stairs as they speak, ready for a game of cards

He walks up to his card partner and this English man speaks with a very German accent

Wants his ‘usual seat’ to play cards

I stress at this point as well that this is not some cool poolside casino, it is Goldfinger in his speedos and a suit shirt playing some guy while they both lounge on deckchairs

This time they’re playing higher stakes, FIVE DOLLARS A POINT

Goldfinger has the most obvious earpiece in ever

Bond is wearing like a pantsuit in baby blue

He mugs a hotel maid for her keys

Shit, Goldfinger’s had a spy for this HIGH STAKES GAME telling him what cards his opponent has

Bond lies across the spy to look through her binoculars

The spy’s name is Jill

Jill and James, the spies

Goldfinger cheats cos he likes to win, fair enough, I dig it

Jill gets paid to help him cheat and be seen and James is being a creep

James starts messing with Goldie

Tells Goldfinger to lose a lot of money or he’ll tell the police

They were playing Gin Rummy, now we know

Jill and James immediately make a date and kiss because she is wowed by his hijacking of a game of Gin Rummy

J and J are making out and the phone goes, it’s Felix cockblock Leiter

James piefaces Jill when he’s on the phone but then hangs up and goes back to eating face

Bond just totally disses The Beatles as he’s on his way for some champagne but then gets knocked out by a man in a hat (all we can tell from his shadow)

Bond awakes and… good lord, JILL’S TURNED TO GOLD

She’s been painted gold, my bad

And she’s dead

Suffocated, Bond reckons, like many cabaret dancers before her

M says Bond can’t be going after Goldfinger personally

INstead of putting him on an assignment, M invites Bond out on a date

Moneypenny wants to ‘cook’ Bond ‘a cake’

M gets jealous and tells Moneypenny to stop flirting with his boyf

Bond and M have their date on a long table at the bank of England

M and Bond have a weird little argument about Brandy and M can’t seem to let it go while Bond gets on with the job

So the mission is to prove that Goldfinger is smuggling, simple

Banker slaps a bit of nai gold down a table and brags about it being worth 5000 quid. That ain’t a lot

Q’s about and he gives Bond an Aston Martin DB5, what a beaut

Also gives him two homing devices, and cos they’re not cool enough, one is magnetic

The DB5 has weapons and an ejector seat

GOLF CLUB

Bond looking to replace Goldfinger’s partner and Goldie is not happy about it

Goldfinger’s golf attire is magical

Bond shows off his nazi gold

Suddenly Goldie wants to wager the gold

Goldie’s trying to put Bond off his swing, classic Happy Gilmore

Maybe the least thrilling bit of golf ever, and I’m talking about golf

Oddjob cheats for Goldfinger, dropping his ball closer to the hole

Hell of a putt from Auric (that’s Goldie’s first name)

Bond switched the balls and wins the game apparently, gripping stuff

Bond puts a tracking thingy in Goldie’s car

Goldie wants Oddjob to show off so he throws his bowler hat at a statue and decapitates it

Bond gives Oddjob his golf ball back, but Oddjob silently crushes it like a gentleman

Bond starts to track the baddies

We hit up a lovely bit of Switzerland

It looks like Goldie and Oddjob have driven all the way back from Kent to Geneva, same clothes, same car

Bond actually controls himself and doesn’t creepily pursue a woman who overtook him on the road

Oddjob stops to buy some fruit like the evil fuck he is

Lovely shot of some Geneva roads, OH NO SNIPER

Sniper who is a terrible shot because she missed Bond who was standing very still from like ten yards away

WAIT, the sniper is the woman he didn’t creepily pursue

He lets her pass, but fucks up her tire with his DB5 gadgets

Tilly Soames is the sniper and she’s well uppity, but it’s just nice to see a female character not there to get slapped on the arse, no matter how hard Bond tries to

Bond exits the garage the wrong way

Ooo, he pulls up to Auric’s evil HQ

Starts spying from the trees FOR HOURS

Then sneaks in by cover of night

OH SHIT, GOldfinger smuggled gold over the border AS HIS CAR, HIS CAR WAS MADE OUT OF GOLD

Somet about Operation Grand Slam, golden tennis racquets?

Uh oh, Bond’s been spotted in the bushes

Wait, it’s snooper girl, but Bond makes her trip a wire

WOAH, Tilly is Jill’s sister

Tilly and James escape but they are pursued by some golden minions

Chance to use the toys in the car, first, they smoke screen ‘em

A guy in the back seat of the bad guy’s car is trying to drive for the driver

Next toy, an oil slick, baddies’ car immediately explodes

Not a lot of chatter in Bond’s car

Next toy, bulletproof back window

Oddjob throws his hat at Tilly, aaaaaand shit, she dead

I liked her n all

James is escorted rather peacefully to his car by one unnamed henchman

Obv gonna get a chance to use that last toy

Uses the ejector seat and the guy literally just pops out like half a metre in the air, I mean, he only just clears the car

An old woman machine guns him and is more effective than any other henchman so far

The bad guys really shouldn’t have given James a car when they were taking him in

I’m not sure what happened, but Bond’s plan didn’t work and he crashed his DB5, letting Oddjob take him in

He comes to and he’s strapped to a table, oh my

Goldfinger tells us what a laser is and then shows us

The lasers going right up his jaffas

‘Do you expect me to talk?’ ‘No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!’ Lovely stuff

Auric’s actually nice and villainous here, good stuff

Bond bluffs his way out of the laser and gets tranqued instead

Bond wakes up again and this time he’s staring right at Pussy

Galore, Pussy Galore

A name that is very normal and that a lot of people have

STOP TRYING IT ON, JAMES

Pussy is Auric’s personal pilot, but not in this instance

Pussy just ignores Bond altogether, I love it

Bond didn’t get Pussy so eyes up the waitress instead

Bond just getting changed, nothing suspicious, but he’s found the spyhole, he don’t like being perved on, my how the tables have turned

There was another spyhole! He covers ’em both and starts up his homing beacon

We land at Pussy Galore’s Flying Circus, my goodness

‘You’re a woman of many parts, Pussy’

SUDDEN ODDJOB

Oh he’s fine this time, just giving Jimmy a lift

The flying Pussy’s land and they’ve all got those pointy Madonna bras on under their tops, quite the statement

Just so you know that we’re in Kentucky, we hear some banjo music and see some horse racing, I thought Goldfinger was going to wander up eating some fried chicken

Bond is entirely at Auric’s mercy and the first thing he says when he meets him is that his horse it more well bred than him, what a man

I think that hurt Auric’s feelings

Bond’s quarters are a bit of a dungeon

OH SHIT, THERE’S A KFC, THEY ACTUALLY DID IT, A PICTURE OF COLONEL SANDERS AND EVERYTHING

Auric’s got a few investors here complete with a fucking bucking bronco to entertain them

He’s telling his investors that they can cash out now for a mill or stay for ten mill tomorrow

All the investors are paranoid about darkness and a moving pool table

They are questioning everything and they need to stop, someone literally just said ‘what’s that map doing there?’

Goldfinger is telling his investors he’s gonna rob Fort Knox

The floor moves under the investors and one guy shouts ‘My feet!’

Bond does the old walking down the stairs bit to the guard outside his cell, and the guard falls for it, opening the door and getting beat up. Sometimes Bond has an easy day

Back with the investors

Goldfinger still trying to get them onside

Bond is in the tiny model of Fort Knox on the map looking out of the tiny windows, what

Bond’s taking notes on the plan to spread nerve gas from Pussy’s planes and bomb their way into Fort Knox to steal a load of gold

One of the investors wants out, and Goldie’s all like ‘fair enough’

Bond’s getting a good look, but he’s been found BY PUSSY GALORE, she gets him down, takes him back to his cell

SHIT, they’ve locked the investors in and gassed ’em, I dunno if that means they’re dead via suffocation or just knocked out like Auric said

Oh shit, the investor who wanted out is being driven away by Oddjob

He put the tracker on the investor who wanted out, Mr. Solo and now Felix is after him

Oh, Oddjob missed the turn for the airport, on purpose, I reckon

Oddjob shoots Mr. Solo and then some really triumphant music plays

Oddjob puts the body in the boot and then takes the car to the scrapyard where it gets cubed, poor dead Mr. Solo

Twas a nice car as well, that’s also a shame

We watch the entire crushing of the car uninterrupted

The cube is loaded onto Oddjob’s pickup and he gets away having broken the homing beacon

Felix and his mate are spying terribly on Goldfinger, who sees them immediately and then makes it look like Bond is having a good time so they feck off

Goldfinger ain’t actually gonna steal the gold

Goldfinger has a bomb and is gonna explode it in Fort Knox making the gold radioactive and making his gold way more valuable

Quite a good plan actually

Oddjob comes back and Goldfinger wants his gold out of the crushed cube after Mr. Solo had a pressing engagement, GET IT

Felix has fallen for it, thinking he’s gonna bang Pussy

He literally sees James with Pussy and says ‘That’s my James’

Bond tries to clue Pussy in but she ain’t having it

He grabs her and Pussy fucks him up, Bond gives her a cheap shot

They’re having a bad fight on some hay and then Bond forces himself onto her in what is a very uncomfortable scene, at least it’s eventually consensual, but, fuck man

The Flying Pussies or whatever take flight

The lead pilot is saying a lot of words that are meant to mean something but I don’t know what

The bottom line is that they’ve let the nerve gas out over FOrt Knox

The fatal nerve gas

The fatal nerve gas that is working in an immense way

Literally as the planes fly over a group of soldiers, they drop to the floor immediately

Some guys are taking their time and just lying down all careful like

This Mr. Kish has been introduced as another of Goldfinger’s guys and he’s a pretty snappy dude, I like him, seems handy

The bad guys make their way into Fort Knox with Jimmy in toe

OH SHIT FELIX WAS ONSITE, HE DEAD, maybe

Mr. Kish tells his boys it’s time to go and they blow the Fort Knox gates

They’re in

They laser their way in the rest of the doors

Ooo, the big boss man is here, Auric overseeing everything, disses Bond right off the bat just like Bond did to him, got your own back there, mate

The bomb is ready to go

And it’s tickin

360 seconds

Wait what, everyone just woke up who’d been gassed

They was fakin

Bond gets handcuffed to the bomb and sent down a slow lift

The army are here and Goldfinger makes a getaway, locking a few folk in the safe first

Goldfinger had an army uniform under his lovely jacket to pose as an army man, then mows down a few chinese as well as a few army boys when their backs are turned

With Mr. Kish and Oddjob trapped in the safe with Bond after Auric locked ’em in, Kish goes to defuse the bomb, not wanting to die, but Oddjob stops him and throws him off a great height (probably) killing the snappy man

Oddjob needs to stop Bond from searching Kish’s corpse now

If only he had something to throw so he didn’t have to walk down all those stairs

There we go

Missed though

Missed again, but cut a very electric line

Oddjob shrugs off having some gold thrown at him and fucks Bond up in general

You can’t hurt this guy, but you can piss him off

Army are taking over now

Bond has a stick to aide him in his fight against Oddjob and it works about as well as you might expect

Oddjob is winning

No contest really

Like watching a bison beat a bunny

Oddjob wants Bond to bring it on and so Bond throws the hat at him which is more threatening than it sounds

Bond misses, but the hats stuck in the bars

Oddjob grabs it, Bond uses the now loose leccy wires and Oddjob gets fried, what a lad though

Bond steals some gold

Oh no, he’s just using two gold bars to open the bomb

Ooo, safe’s open and the door crushes a Chinese dude

Bond has thirty seconds as a Chinese dude seemingly throws himself from a height

Bond has thirty seconds again

17

14

9

7

007

Some dude just flicks a switch

I have no idea who he is

But he’s saved everyone

Felix asks where Oddjob is and Bond sez ‘he blew a fuse’

Bond’s going for lunch at the white house

Shit, goldfinger’s on the flight

The first man with the golden gun

Ooo, bit of a scrap

BANG, THE WINDOW’S OUT

Goldfinger gets sucked out the window via some reasonable effects

Pussy needs to level the plane now

Pussy asks where Goldfinger is, Bond says he’s playing his golden harp

THE PLANE CARASHES

Obv Bond and Pussy got out

And now they’re just in some forest place having sex under their parachute on the ground

Literally the end

They all end so abruptly, like pre-Brosnan, they all just make a sex joke and end

The end credits are the same as the opening credits with projections on a gold lady, but I swear that it doesn’t credit anyone but the actors and badly edits the theme tune

FIN

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Keep it streets ahead,

CLR