Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — Live and Let Die — Case File — A Reactionary Transcript #8

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the eighth of these case studies; Live and Let Die.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

Live and Let Die spoilers ahead.

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Here’s mufasa, let’s go

The barrel sequence sounds tinny

Trying to be edgy for Rog’s first appearance

The UN in NYC

Some Hungarian to kick us off

I don’t know if they’re meant to, but the rest of the UN look bored

Even the translator sounds bored

Someone unplugs Mr. UK’s headphones and pumps in a really loud noise that kills him

New Orleans

Fillet Of Soul and a marching brass band

Ah, a funeral procession

So, a guy’s watching, asks whose funeral it is, they reply ‘yours’, stab him and load him into the coffin, then the procession start celebrating, all great so far

San Monique, the Caribbean

Some ritual shit gaan on here

A snek and some blood, man tied to a pole

The snek bites him and he’s deed in seconds

TITLE SEQUENCE, okay, why not

I hope we soon continue with the random acts of violence

Here’s Bond

In bed, with a lady, obvs

She wants it one more time, but Bond has to answer the door

He asks if she’s married, you card, James

It’s M

So the fellas we saw dying were MI6 agents

It all ties in to the president of San Monique, Dr. Kananga

It keeps showing off the coffee machine that Bond’s using, was this new at the time? I guess that counts as a gadget

His bed partner is hiding from M, but a stray Moneypenny catches her in her drawers

He gets a magnetic watch that can alter the path of a bullet

Moneypenny covers for Bond’s shenanigans so he can get his end away one more time

Uses the magnetic watch to get her zip back down, ‘pure magnetism’ he says

Bond’s on a plane and some tarot cards predict his journey pretty accurately but also quite generally

Bond hopes in his taxi, seemingly uneasily

Gets a call from Felix, good lad Felix

Shit, car lines up next to Bond’s and shoots the driver with a dart, he dead and he’s got his foot on the gas

Bond is a literal backseat driver

Crashes himself to a stop

Felix has got eyes on Kananga

Felix calls the car that shot Bond’s driver a ‘white pimpmobile’

Kananga and his gang are in his office pretending to take a letter while he evil-ly gets changed

In case anyone’s listening, course

A voodoo shop

Ooo, the shooter walks in, ducks behind a curtained door

Bond sneaks in distracting the shopkeep by wanting a toy snake giftwrapped lengthwise

Spies the pimpmobile

Secret door in Kananga’s office

Leads to the pimpmobile!

A lot of Dolemite dressed folk drive off in a different car, but Bond sees his options now, chasing them out

Gets a taxi to follow them, but the shopkeep rats him out and now he’s being tailed

A lot of folk are in with Kananga telling each other where Bond’s going, and I mean, he is the only white guy about

The taxi driver was in on it! And I liked him

Bond walks into another spot called Fillet of Soul

Bond gets eyeballed by everybody

As Bond tries to get information, the wall eats him into a room of goons

Bond’s told that Mr. Big is gonna take care of him

Bond spies the lass playing with tarot cards and tells her to put the black queen on the red king as a joke, she says ‘Solitaire’ and that is now her name

Tarot cards say that Bond is arm so this dude with a pinsir for a hand unarms him, shuts Bond up for a bit

The pinsir bends the gun to shit so Bond bins it

An aggressive guy walks in and doesn’t listen to Bond, telling him that ‘names are for tombstones’, telling his guys to kill him

Bond tries to get one more reading from the tarot cards before they kill him but he picks the lovers and Solitaire’s all like, well hold up, if it’s in the cards…

They walk Bond out to shoot him but he gets in a few terrible kicks to win em over

Then a guy with a power stance looks as if he’s gonna shoot Bond, but it’s Struthers from the CIA, a lovely man

The lighter in the car is a mic and a speaker for Felix at base, a literal Felix Lighter

Bond needs to go to San Monique

Witch doctor laughing and dancing

He’s dancing at a holiday resort

He’s the voodoo god who can’t die

Bond arrives and is told that Mrs. Bond is expecting him

I don’t like Baron Samedi’s performance

Mrs. Bond’s got a lot of clothes

Mr. Bond has nowhere to put his guns

He’s got a gadget that detects… Suspicious things?

Bond hops in the bath and someone releases A SNAKE into his bathroom

He’s shaving so he’s got a mirror, but this is a sneaky snek

IT’S THE SHOOTER from the pimpmobile bringing him his champagne, must have to work multiple job to pay the bills

He’s got a lovely husky voice, but Bond keeps shouting ‘WHAT?’ after he says anything

The snake’s coming for him

In his own time

He’s a long boy, but skinny

Bond spies him in the mirror

Uses the old deodorant and cigar to trick to burn it up

Bond spies someone at the door, no rest right now

They open the door a bit and stick a gun in, but Bond burns their hand with the cigar and flips ’em onto the bed, this is Rosie Carver, who feigns a great deal of innocence for someone who was just brandishing a gun

Her gun was standard CIA, sos she’s good

She was pointing a gun cos the champagne waiter is a bad guy and she was being careful

This is only her second mission

Her first being one of the MI6 agents who was killed

This lass like to walk into rooms and scream, at the snake first and then at a hat on a bed

She is painting herself a bit useless and that ain’t good

So she rejects Bond’s advances like a professional, but upon finding ‘a hat that belonged to small-headed man who lost a fight with a chicken’, she don’t wanna be left alone tonight

This is quite a poor character

Next morning, and breakfast

Bond receives the Queen of Cups to his table

Bond and Rosie go out on a fishing boat

Rosie is the ditzy one, I see

But she stumbles across some weaponry and some machinery

So she threatens him with a gun

But he’s Quarrel Jr.! Quarrel was in Dr. No i believe, this be his son

So Rosie’s whole thing is that she’s a ditzy and bad agent and now she is treated as such, but she points out where the MI6 agent was killed, so that’s handy

There’s a big palace where she points and it belongs to Solitaire, and she says that Bond’s on his way thanks to her deck

NO

Rosie is a double agent, working with Kananga, bitch

Solitaire pulls the lovers again, but tells Kananga that it’s death

I think Bond’s onto her

They go for a picnic mid-mission

After rejecting his advances, she’s getting off with him

But he presents the Queen of Cups, which when upside down represents a liar and a cheat, so Bond wants some answers from Rosie

She immediately comes clean

Rosie sees an island scarecrow and knows it’s a camera, so she knows either Bond will kill her if she doesn’t give the rest of the info or Kananga will if she does, it’s a rock and a hard place now

So she legs it

Bond’s off after her

She doesn’t make it far before a scarecrow guns her down

Kananga and Tee-Hee (the pinsir man) interrogate Solitaire who said that death came up, but Solitaire spins it against him

Kananga calls her useless and reveals that he used her mother in the same way, so she’s like a tarot slave

Kananga then calls her Solitaire, but it’s dubbed because his mouth says something else, and the name Solitaire was a joke between her and James… Hmm…

Bond is chilling on a hang glider off of Quarrel’s boat

Kananga threatens to take Solitaire’s powers away

Bond unlatches from the boat and goes for a glide

He dive kicks a bloke to his death

He’s got a lovely reversible blazer

Starts playing with the tarot

Solitaire catches him

Bond is using the cards to try and get his end away

He tells Solitaire to pick one, brave move Jimmy

OF COURSE IT’S THE LOVERS

Bond you lucky s’um bitch

I assume he replaced every card with The Lovers

They kiss

OH HE DID REPLACE THEM ALL WITH THE LOVERS

Is that tricking someone into bed? Is that allowed?

I think she wanted it a little bit anyways, but she believed it was written in the stars, that’s a bit tricky dicky James, and I don’t like that

Solitaire is spouting some spiritual bullshit

She has had ‘earthly love’ so the cards have taken away her power

Solitaire is upset that her powers have gone and Bond’s mad that she don’t have no info, so he’s gonna go

Wait, Solitaire is into it again

Sex, then escape

Scarecrows and graveyards, spooky island this

Obviously they need to go through the graveyard

Baron Samedi is in there playing his flute

His flute is a communicator

Kananga tells everyone to kill Bond

Bond and Soli still have a way to go til they get to the boat

Bond’s lost Soli

Found her, chopper shooting at them

The coppers on the island spy them in a lil village

Bond just starts up a double decker bus and fecks off

They literally could have grabbed him right before that, they had a good ten minute window, these cops love drama

So the motorbike cops go either flying over some ramps or skidding off their bikes cos of some water on the road, need to be trained for shit like that

But the chase is still on from two cop cars coming right at him

He runs them off the road but one is still coming for him

LOW BRIDGE

Bus pulls nicely up to Quarrel’s boat and they’re away

Kananga gets the message that they’ve ‘disappeared in a bus’

Ah, so Kananga was smuggling heroin, so Bond will turn the case over to the CIA

No, Bond’s still on the case, Solitaire is his bargaining chip

Back in New Orleans

In a taxi to a hotel

It’s the same taxi driver as before!

Harlem and New Orleans, this guy’s good

Taking Bond right back to Mr. Big on a plane

Wait, now Solitaire is double crossing him! It’s a good thing that Bond’s got his shit kicks to hold off like fifteen guys

He hops in a plane that has a flight student in

Bond’s her new teacher

Bond’s off, but he’s just driving

He’s in a plane, take off

He has more maneuverability than all these cars that just end up crashing in to other planes

They’re closing the doors and the wings are off

The flight student just said ‘Holy shit’, is that allowed

Felix has to deal with James’ damage

Bond is picking out some ties like a chill bro

Struthers is watching the same club as before, with the funeral procession, but they’re now calling him Strutter, I’m sure it was Struthers before

IT’S THE SAME FUNERAL AND SAME MAN

HE GONNA GET STABBED

We don’t see it, but Bond and Felix are there to watch them celebrate, so I think Strutter/Struthers is dead

Into the Fillet of Soul that keeps popping up, James doesn’t want a seat against the wall cos he’s sick of being eaten by walls

A woman comes on stage singing ‘Live and Let Die’

Felix gets a call at the bar from Strutter

Bond’s seat gets sucked into the floor

Bond is in front of Mr. Big, who’s with some goons, as well as Solitaire and Tee-Hee

Bond gets strapped into his seat

Mr. Big wants answers from Bond about Kananga, but Bond’ll only give answers to Kananga, so Mr. Big rips his face off to reveal Kananga

So as Kananga he grows and protects the heroin on voodoo island and then sells it on the streets as Mr. Big, but he ain’t selling it, he’s giving away two tonnes of it

So the free tonnes will put all other dealers out of business and then double the number of America’s addicts, leaving Kananga as the only dealer around for years

Kananga wants to know if Bond ‘touched’ Solitaire

Kananga interrogates Solitaire, telling her that a wrong answer will see Bond’s pinky snipped off

Anymore wrong answers and the snips gets a bit spicier

Gives her a true or false, she nails it

Bond thinks he’s allowed out, Tee-Hee knocks him out

Oh, the pimpmobile driver and champagne waiter is called Whisper and he’s here to take Bond to ‘the farm’

Baron Samedi’s here now

Solitaire is uneasy but keeps her cool

Solitaire was wrong on the true or false

And Kananga ain’t happy

So he hits her

I think he wanted to bang her one day, but now she’s filthy

Baron Samedi predicts her death with the cards

Bond is being taken to the farm

A croc farm

A croc farm that doubles as a heroin plant

Tee-Hee gives Bond a lesson on crocs then feeds them

Some cute baby ones like

Alligators have round noses apparently

Tee-Hee points out Albert, the croc that took his arm

Out on a feeding bridge, Tee-Hee gets wheeled back in, leaving Bond adrift on a little island

Tee-Hee tells Bond that there’s two ways to disable a croc, pencil to the eye or pull it’s teeth out

He’s in a suit and everything, he is not dressed for crocs

He spies a boat and uses his watch to pull it over, but it’s tied up

The crocs are sneaking onto his island

He’s a big boy

Bit surrounded now, Jimmy

Hold up, a perfect line out

He runs across the backs of four crocs and he’s away

Jimmy opens the gate and leaves a trail of meat for the big ol bastards right into the heroin lab

Then he sets the lab on fire for good measure

Flee, flee

Bond’s away on a speedboat, Tee-Hee sends his men to head him off in his car, Evans, who tells his boatmen to go snatch him as well, there’s a bounty out now

Nearly calls them motherfuckers, lovely stuff

Couple of useless speedboaters crash right into trees

Holy hell

It’s Sheriff J.W. Pepper

Evans heads off Bond at the Irish Bayou, but gets cornered there by the Sheriff

So Pepper has Evans up against the car, but then the speedboats fly over the bayou nearly taking him out, but he accidentally shoots Bond’s engine

A speedboater goes flying as his boat goes through Pepper’s cop car

Pepper gets a call to shoot a dog

Some Louisiana stuff going on there, whatever

Bond’s engine starts to flag

Bond drives his boat into the back garden of a mansion and nicks their boat while other bad guys try to follow but end up in their pool

Bond takes off, but there are others waiting

The Sheriff says something about Black Russians and is then informed of a blockade made of boats, to stop all the charging speedboats

Bond and the others just plow right through

Pepper says to call Billy-Bob, who has the fastest boat on the river

Billy-Bob is about to set off, but he gets a visit from Evans, who takes the fast boat

Pepper’s crew were not expecting a black fella when they see Billy-Bob’s boat

Evans pursues Bond

They rip through a wedding

They destroy the cake and the marquee

That’s a day ruined

Oyster truck driving in the middle of the road

ANother smooth land crossing from Bond and Evans

Right in front of Pepper whose car goes spinning and flipping

Evans can’t see Bond

As he hunts, Bond’s whipping somet up

Got ‘im

And they’re off

Bond circles round and throws some petrol or somet over Evans, blinding him and then flicking his accelerator

This sends Evans into a big boat that explodes on impact

Felix meets Bond at the port

So does Pepper

Felix says that they busted the Fillet of Soul and found the tarot cards while also spying Kananga and Solitaire with a nine foot tall top hat wearing, flute playing dude

To San Monique then

This is a hard film to describe

At another voodoo ceremony

Couple a guys making out with the pole and then dancing on it

Felix sends Bond and Quarrel with some bombs that have a 30-minute timer on them

No, Quarrel leaves him at the shore with his well wishes

Bond’s at the ceremony now

Oop, Solitaire is the sacrifice me thinks

Aye, there she is

Baron Samedi’s about noo

Coffin of snakes

Oh, Quarrel’s planting the bombs in the heroin field

Bond doesn’t seem all that bothered that Solitaire is very close to being bitten by a snek

There was ten minutes til the bomb went off like 30 seconds ago, now there’s five, implying that Baron Samedi has been dancing around with that snek threatening her for that long as well, shit or get off the pot, mate

Samedi has muscular legs

Some folks place a top hat on a grave

And here’s Baron Samedi rising up from it

So the dancing snake tease wasn’t Baron Samedi, I’m a racist

Bond shoots the dancing snake man

Then he shoots the top of Baron Samedi’s head off, and Samedi’s eyes look up at it, but then Bond shoots the rest of it, discovering it’s made of pot or whatever

Huh

Bond shoots others who challenge him

Then he frees Solitaire

Then the heroin explodes

Was Kananga’s whole security system a voodoo ceremony

Samedi comes back, rising up again

Not made of pot this time

He and Bond have a machete-off

Bond wins very easily, sending Samedi into the coffin of snakes

They (Jimmy and Soli) then go down the chute that Samedi used to come up, beating up the guards in the base below

Underground, Soli and Jimmy have to find a way out

Kananga was waiting for Jimmy, as the bad guy in his base always is

Whisper is there as well

Kananga says that the poppy is so sturdy that it will survive the explosions

Then he says he likes the gun that Bond was hiding

It’s a shark gun with compressed gas pellets

It inflates things until they explode

Kananga is now gonna feed Jimmy and Soli to his sharks

He makes Jimmy bleed so the sharks can smell the blood

Bond uses his magnetic watch to get the shark gun bullet to him

The sharks are circling

Bond’s watch is now a spinning razor, freeing his hands

He flips off and Whisper gets kicked away

Bond and Kananga get into a tussle

They both go into the shark tank

Bond feeds Kananga the shark gun bullet

Kananga inflates, flies up to the ceiling and explodes

When Solitaire asks where Kananga is, Bond says that he always did have an inflated opinion of himself

Solitaire and Bond wander out

Felix wonders why Jimmy and Soli aren’t flying cos the train is 16 hours, what are you gonna do for 16 hours, oh, I see…. THEY GON BANG FELIX

They’re playing cards, not as sexy

Soli schools Jimmy

He’s unlucky at cards, but lucky in… Hmm…

A pinsir cuts it’s way out of a mail bag

That must have been one heavy mail bag

It’s Tee-Hee!

Soli feels like a complete woman

Tee-Hee’s about the chop her hand off

Bond intercepts and throws a deck of cards at Tee-Hee

The two fight after Soli has her murphy bed flipped back into the wall

Tee-Hee’s bad at most of this

But he smashes a window on this fast train

Bond then manages to clip his pinsir to something and throw him out a window, ripping his arm off

Soli and Bond share a moment then we see Baron Samedi sat on the back of the train

That’s the end

That was so hard

Not to watch, but to write down

If you followed any of this, well done

FIN

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Keep it streets ahead,

CLR