Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — Octopussy — A Reactionary Transcript #1

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the first of these case studies; Octopussy.

The results will be posted heeeeeere.

Octopussy spoilers ahead.

— — — — — — —

Pervy general watches horse racing but is actually eyeing up some cleavage

Bond’s entire disguise is to make it look like he’s wearing a jumper instead of a shirt and tie

Seriously, that general is staring down her boobs until she disappears, oh, she’s with Bond, who’s disguise is General Toro (sounds like a load of bull, excellent pun) complete with fake moustache

Woman says ‘please be careful’ as Bond goes to his mission

Why is there horse racing next to this weapons facility

Most English Spanish accent ever

Shocker, he’s been found out when actual Toro turns up

As Bond’s been taken away, his lass follows with a horse, trying to flirt with soldiers, underwear are shown

Bond pulls their parachute cord, cos they’re wearing parachutes

First shots fired, we see soldiers drive into chicken coup

Holy shit, it ain’t a real horse, it’s a tiny jet

Squeezes through the weapons facility with it and then blows it up

OH SHIT LOW OF FUEL, pulls up at petrol station — ‘fill her up, please’

Clown tries to escape

Assailant follows trail of big shoe footprints, funny hat and balloon pops

Knife-wielding twins get him as he dismounts into water beautifully

Able to float to the residency of the British Ambassador with another balloon

Crashes through window and dies releasing an egg

Open on a shot on not-Moneypenny’s legs, but it’s her assistant Miss Smallbone

They’re flirting with him, but calling him a womanizer who won’t settle down

The egg is rare but it’s a forgery, try to find the seller

Clown was 009, and in East Germany

General Gogol is getting on with it, but Orlov is like don’t be a lil pansy, I got a shit-tonne of tanks in Russia, Poland and Czech Republic, suddenly wants to dominate Europe as the KGB

Orlov just gets told to shut up, gets a note from somebody…

Orlov meets the forgist and the knife twins, trouble with the lost egg

Auction at Sotheby’s, egg being sold

Bond and auction dude trying to find seller

Lady catches Bond’s eye, she meets a fella, Bond wants some leg, gets told to chill out

Fella with lady is Kamal Khan as he bids a shit tonne

SHIT, Bond outbids him

KAMAL FIRES BACK

BOND’S DONE HIM AGAIN

KAMAL RIGHT BACK IN WITH 5 HUNDY

SOLD

Pretty girl gets in car with Kamal after giving one last look to James, who has ’em followed

M mad that Bond bid

BOND’S SWITCHED THE EGGS

Kamal’s gone to Delhi, and Bond’s following

M’s happy with him really, lil cheeky boy innit

We’re in India, so here’s the Taj Mahal and The Ganges, in case you weren’t sure

Snake Charmer plays the Bond theme, cos that’s Vijay, Bond’s Indian mate

Bond knows everybody, free taxi ride

Kamal Khan is an Afghan prince, Vijay’s backhand has improved

Monsoon Palace is Kamal’s house on’t hill

Kamal plays backgammon like an evil fecker in a hotel casino

Bond gives out his name and is wished a pleasant stay amongst bikini women ‘I’m sure I will’

Bag Girl flirts with him, cos of course

HOLD THE PHONE says James, IT’S THE FITTY FROM THE AUCTION

Into the casino

Kamal’s beating the major, pretends that rolling dice is a skill

Bond meets the fitty introduces himself as the man from the auction ‘You have a good memory for faces’ ‘And figures’ BOOM

She wants none of it and goes to watch sexy Kamal play sexy Backgammon

A sea of white tuxes

Bond steps in for the major when he gets chicken

Kamal rolls double six and Bond doubles again

BOND BETS THE EGG, gets eyes from the room, Kamal says aye

Bond uses Khan’s dice, ROLLS A DOUBLE SIX, BOND WINS

Cheeky Bond wants cash insetad of cheque

Khan openly threatens Bond

Bond gives Khan his dice back, but Gobinda just crushes them and walks away

Vijay bumps into Gobinda and nearly dies

Bond gives some Indian bloke his winnings, says ‘That’ll keep you in curry for a few weeks’

Gobinda rides with a shotgun through the streets in a Tuk-Tuk taxi, chasing Bond and Vijay in another one

No wait, it’s feckin knife ninjas, not the twins from before

One stabs him, then dives off, but it hits the money in his jacket ‘thank god for hard currency’

Bond nearly kills a local

Vijay fights off an actual ninja with a tennis racket

Gobinda fires a FECKIN BLUNDERBUSS in the town centre

Tries to lose Gobinda (who has lovely eyes) in the crowd

Runs over hot coals in shoes and squirms, throwns ninja on bed of nails

Takes a fire juggler’s fire and sword swallower’s sword to fight with, sets some ninjas on fire

Back in’t Tuk-Tuk, Gobinda comandeers another

James throws Rupees to the locals, creating aroadblock

Bond and Vijay drive through a poster, that then becomes another fixed one to fool Gobinda ‘It pays to advertise’

IT’S Q

Q’s magic rope doesn’t work — ‘having trouble keeping it up, Q’

Q’s also working on a door that smushes people

Q puts a microphone in the egg

Gives him a pen full of ink that dissolves metals, also attached to same pen is an earpiece

A TV camera that he literally uses to zoom in and out on boobs

One of Q’s assistants literally stitches Bond’s jacket

Bond’s got a table reserved, even though he didn’t ask for one

The guest is the fitty

She says Kamal wants a trade ‘an egg for a life’ ‘i know the price of eggs had gone up’

Someone takes a photo of them, charges James for it, it’s for the fitty, they then have dinner and drinks

After they clink glasses, we immediately cut to them drinking in bed — ‘I need refilling’

Tattoo of octopus on her back, what is it? That’s my little Octopussy, Bond gives funniest look of all time

They get to it

Gobinda comes by

Bond is now asleep with fitty getting ready to go, fitty tries to take the egg

Bond starts the mic and lets her away with the egg before fitty ropes herself down the balcony with her clothes, underwearing it into Kamal’s car

Gobinda knocks him out

Kamal’s getting rowed by a boatful of ladies, maybe one of them Indian

Goes into his garden of more ladies

Kamal takes the egg to yet another lady

Kamal describes Bond as an Englishman with a fondness for eggs and dice

Bond wakes up at the Monsoon Palace, locked in his room

Goes for dinner with Kamal and fitty

Fitty’s name is Miss Magda

James don’t wanna give any answers

Khan discusses torture with Bond — his choice is permanent brain damage

Dinner is stuffed sheep’s head

Khan eats one of the sheep’s eyes

BEDTIME

Asks Gobinda for a nightcap, but na

Uses his pen to melt jail bars on his window

Literal pigeon jumpscare that got me pa

Spies on MIss MAgda’s window a bit for good measure

Helicopter flies in, it’s Orlov, here we go

Bond climbs into Magda’s window

No rapey, just escapey

Ooo, Magda’s seen Bond escape

Listens in to Orlov and Khan

Magda’s hairdryer messes with the feed

Khan has given Orlov a load of counterfeit jewellery

Orlov smashes the fake egg, Khan finds the mic

Bond walks into a room with a few dead guards on meat hooks, just by their clothes mind

Orlov fecks off in the most soviet helicopter ever

They find out Bond has escaped, send a load of villagers with pitchforks to get him, while Khan and Gobinda get guns on the back of elephants

Bond pretends to be a dead body to escape, spooks some guards with a literal ‘BOOOOO’ and then runs off being shot at

Runs into feck off spiders and smushes one

Gets roared at by a tiger, tells it to sit and runs

All hunters convene in the middle, Bond is just hidden in a bush, needs to be quiet, snake crawls on him whispers to it to ‘hiss off’

Escapey Bond again

Moore george of the jungles himself outta dodge complete with sound effects

Then burns a leech off his chest

CROCS NEXT

Casually wades away from one

Bond takes refuge on a tour boat and sails away

‘Mr. Bond is a rare breed soon to be made extinct’

The ‘Octopussy’ tattoo is a blue ringed octopus — the sign of an old secret order of female bandits and smugglers

No-one knows who Octopussy is apart from a powerful woman

Bond sneaks onto the all woman island under the fakest lookin alligator of all time

Back into the garden of women

Full on woman bum and boob

Bell goes, all the women wander off

Bond goes into Octo’s room, Ock’s seen him coming

Ock’s the daughter of a former secret service bloke who betrayed England

KHAN’S BACK

Tells Ock that Bond’s out

Bond just wanders in, mocks Kamal

Kamal goes

All of Ock’s girls are now dressed as Shazam

Ock’s dad was an Octopus expert and gave her the pussy nickname WHAT

Ock invites him to stay for a few days

Kamal and Gobinda pay off hitmen to get to Bond

SOme henchman uses a retractable spinny razor to cut up a photo of Bond, very threatening

Ock discovered she had a knack for smuggling diamonds

Reformed the Octopus Clan with all these lasses

Shipping, Hotels, Carnivals and Services

Q leaves Vijay fishing by the river

Ock gets all pissy about Bond leaving, even though she’s feckin off for a week

Storms after her and kinda forces a kiss before settling into the idea

Vijay fishing in the dark, keeping an eye out, hears noises, gets attacked

Gets spinny-razored at Gobinda’s command

Bond senses trouble, leaves Ock in bed

Load of watery assassins turn up

Ooo, spinny razor’s on the balcony over the bed, but his sweaty nature tops off Bond

Nice fruity, spinny razor, garotte fight

One bloke gets Octopussed

Bond and some dude dive into the water

CROCS

Get one bad dude, Ock thinks it to be Bond

Bond actually somehow returns to shore within fake croc to find Q, who’s found Vijay

Oh no, so sad

Bond gaas to Berlin

The jewellery is the tip of the tentacle apparently

Bond has to pretend he’s from Leeds

Goes into East Berlin

German Circus — any bigger oxymoron

Blindfolded spinny knife trick — textbook

Orlov and Khan front-row seats of course, best of the best

Miss Magda’s in the bloody circus now

Made to watch the cannon man by some angry soldiers, he’s pretty good

Khan and Godinda go backstage to meet the stars

Khan, Gobinda and Orlov meet in a tiny carriage

Gogol visits the forgist, they smash somet

Carriaged bad guys load some jewels into a bomb looking thing on the train

Hang on, Ock’s with ‘em

Train fecks off, Bond’s hanging on underneath

There’s another bomb in another train

They’ve lost me a bit

SO the jewellery’s real and they’re just trying to smuggle it over the border on the train, got it

The bomb is… We’ll get there

Bond tries to salvage jewellery, but in the reflection of a jewel, one of the knife twins attacks him with fire

Bond drops a cannon on knife twin’s head = death

Bond openly nicks a jewel

Starts wearing one of the knife twins’ clothes

Jewels get over the border to Orlov

Bond takes Orlov hostage

So when the bomb goes off, folk will assume it’s an American one gone off accidentally due to it being a US Air Force base, prompting Europe to disarm everything, leaving them defenceless

Bond shoots a couple of machine gun baddies on his way off the train, but Orlov escapes

Bond’s tires come off so he gets it on the train tracks

German folk shocked by this, as you would be

Bond gets an umbrella on the accelarator and jumps to the train, sending his car into the river to injure fisherman

Other knife boy is just practicing throwing

Orlov’s jewellery has been found in Bond’s crashed car

Bond hides from knifey boy and Gobinda in a gorilla suit

Orlov sees his train feck off as Gogol pursues, gets shot for crossing the border

Bomb crosses into the American sector with Bond on it

Bond Gorilla checks watch as Khan, Gobinda and knifey boy set the bomb

Gobinda chops the gorilla suit in half, but Bond is out and on the roof of the train ducking under bridges, Gobinda pursues through the train

Gobinda tells Khan

Bond’s just hanging on on the side of a train

Knocks on nekkid Ock’s window, Khan sees and shoots

Nice little rooftop fight from Bond and Gobinda

Knifey boy sees that his brother’s been offed

COme off the trian with knifey boy, who pins Bond to the door by his silk shirt

Bond turns the table and stabby stabs

Street Circus Parade now, I assume Germany, cos the bomb’s in the street circus now

Bonb cant’ hitch so just starts running back to the bomb

Some young lot slow down for him, but then drive off when he gets close, fuckers

Ock thinks it’s jewellery in the cannon

Bond gets a lift of some folk who offer him wurst and beer, I wonder if they were german

Circus is back in the top

Bond wants to make a call, but some bint is on the phone, so he nicks her car

Goes to fast, cops are after him

50 minutes ont bomb

Cops try for a moment to reverse after Bond

Gobinda and Khan go to escape in their Ford Cortina

They see Bond going past them, but let him go and get blown up

Magda steals the general’s wallet for a magic trick

Bond needs a circus pass to get in but just barges through

‘He’s wearing a red shirt’ feckin commie

Bond’s in

SNeaking around the circus caravans

Evading coppers

Bond disguises himself as 009 clown

Tries to clown his way out of bombing

Informs the general of the bomb, he’s got 90 seconds

Tells Ock it ain’t jewellery, it’s bomb

Circus performers start spinning around the police

Ock opens it with 15 seconds to spare

Everyone just looks

Bond defuses it with 0 seconds left

OCK IS PISSED

Khan and Gobinda are plotting an escape

Gobinda gets mad at prostitutes

The prozzies are actually Ock’s girls

Some of them are acrobatting themselves into Monsoon Palace still dressed as Shazam

They beat up everyone and they’re in

Ock confronts Khan with a gun

Khan begs her off, sez it wont him

Gobinda sees the lasses, goes to help Khan

Khan’s guards and the lasses fight it out

Q flies Bond in ever so nonchalantly on a hot air balloon

Bond swings into Khan’s quarters

Exchnages a glance with a tiger rug

Bond slides down the bannister with a mchine gun, shooting folk, then the end of the bannister as well, so he don’t hurt his nuts

Gobinda just chops Ock to shit and knocks her out, as he and Khan escape on horseback

Q takes out a gunman with his hot air balloon, saving some lasses, who like Q

Khan and Gobinda take Ock onto their plane and feck off, Bond still on horse trying to catch up

He’s going

He’s going

He’s nearly there

THEY’RE IN THE AIR

HE LEAPS

HE’S ON THE BACK OF THE PLANE

The horse disappears

Bond tries to open the door, Khan knows he’s about, dipping the plane about, trying to shake him

Upside down, side to side, Bond’s fine, but Khan thinks he’s got im

Gobinda sees Bond, who pulls some wires out of the wing

Khan tells Gobinda to go get him, he’s like ‘really?’ but he does, but not before backhanding Ock

Plane top knife fight, with Gobinda the only one with a knife, Bond flicks the car aerial at Gobinda’s face, sending him sprawling

The plane has lost power, goes over a mountain, Bond and Ock jump out, Khan crashes into mountain

Gogol denies all incidents on behalf of the KGB

Gogol and M are cool with each other

They reckon Bond is injured and can’t travel

Bond is on a boat being rowed by lasses in an arm and leg cast, shakes ’em off and fecks Ock’s brains out

The last line is an orgasmic ‘James…’

FIN

— — — — — — —

Keep it streets ahead,

CLR

Freshly squeezed football content. Mostly.