Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — On Her Majesty’s Secret Service — A Reactionary Transcript #20

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the twentieth of these case studies; On Her Majesty’s Secret Service.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service spoilers ahead.

— — — — — — —

lotsa warnings before this one
really don’t want me illegally showing it

but there’s the ROAR

Barrel sequence gets the producers name in and gets Bond to do a full on lunge to take his shot

Q and M are bellyaching about spy stuff
They wanna find Bond n’all
Where could he have got to?

He’s having a car chase
Just a lil one
a casual one
and he’s havin a fag

the car he was with has hastily pulled up at a beach
a woman has dashed out and now Bond’s using a spy-scope to… Well, spy on her as she wades into the ocean

Bond obviously drives towards her full speed before hopping out, ripping his jacket off and running into the sea after her
He grabs her, picks her up, and carries her back to shore
She has apparently been knocked out during this process

Bond is far too chipper while introducing himself

Two goons come and take ’em hostage by some old row boats
They get Bond to lie down in one, but he throws an anchor at ‘em
Then they dash to the sea and have a shallow water fight
He drowns one of ’em while the other tries to knife him

The lass makes a beeline for Bond’s car
Bond traps the other dude under a boat — what a trap
Now there’s a third guy? or maybe the first guy didn’t drown?
well whatever, he jumps on Bond, but gets caught and effortlessly F5'ed through a load of beach debris

The lass escapes wildly in Jimmy’s car, back up to her own car and speeds away
Bond then says ‘this never happened to the other fella’
good one

OPENING CREDS

He’s tracked the car to the Bellagio in some spot
It belongs to a countess

That evening, Bond hits the casino
I once again am cluesless as to what they’re playing or what the rules are

A woman approaches the table, but her head is obscured by the lamp
so we get boobs
enough for Bond to recognise her then

IT’S THE BEACH WOMAN

obvs

She buys in, but loses
then she can’t pay
so Bond cuts in and pretends they were partners

The lass walks away to her table and Bond pursues
This is Tracy di Vicenzo
Bond asks her to stay alive
Then she tells him to go up to her room later

In her room, Bond gets taken out by a big lad who just absorbs Bond’s strikes
This is some good action y’know
good physicality, smart ways of disarming folk, so guns are rarely involved
Bond manages to take him out and then nicks some caviar as he leaves

Back in his own room, he sheds his gun, but Tracy’s about to grab it and threaten 007
Bond’s a bit confident, and he should be cos he grabs Tracy’s wrists, then makes her drop the gun and slap herself
He then tells her to get dressed
Rare play

The goon from Tracy’s room is eavesdropping at the door

Tracy says she ain’t interested, she’s there for a business deal
then she pulls him in for a kiss
to shut him up by the looks of it
the goon takes this as a sign to leave
polite

Bond wakes up in the morn and Tracy’s gone
he then finds out she’s checked out
and paid him back

In the lobby, he’s walking out with his golf clubs when he gets accosted by two blokes and one gun
They usher him into a car while Bond makes golf jokes
Obviously in voice-over ‘cos his mouth is not moving
The goon from Tracy’s room is in the car and has a knife to Bond now

Bond keeps quipping, the goons keep groaning at his quips
They arrive at a warehouse and it’s dark
Long drive
There’s a guy sweeping up and whistling really obnoxiously

At an elevator, he fights off the goons, nicks the knife and bursts through a fancy door to threaten whoever’s on the other side
It’s Mr. Draco
the fella who invited him
he’s head of a big crime syndicate
Bond tells him that SPECTRE’s bigger
He’s Tracy’s dad

Mr. Draco has heard of what Bond has done for his daughter, helping her out
Draco says she needs a man to dominate her cos she’s been wheeling and dealing about a bit too much
Draco offers Bond a million quid in gold to marry Tracy
Bond wants to know where Blofeld is instead
Draco says he wouldn’t tell MI6, but he’d tell his future son-in-law

MI6
Bond hits on Moneypenny and invites her over for cocktails
he pops in to see M
Bond is relieved of his duties in finding Blofeld
M ain’t taking no bullshit
Bond’s taken too long

He comes out and Moneypenny’s still joking around but Bond gets serious and tenders his resignation

Cool little sequence in his office as he sees a load of mementos from previous films and the old themes play
He then apologises to the queen before he’s called in to see M, who has accepted his resignation
Bond seems surprised
Moneypenny changed the note and made it so he asked for two weeks leave
As Bond leaves, M thanks Moneypenny

Tracy’s about some spot now
what an outfit
at the bullfights
everyone’s got a helluva outfit on
must be daddy’s birthday
Mr. Draco introduced Tracy to Bond
Tracy’s all sour towards Bond

Tracy gets at her dad’s girlfriend for insider tips on what he’s up to

As they gather round the table, Tracy takes control, refusing to look at Bond and ordering her dad around with the threat of her leaving forever
Draco starts telling Bond about Blofeld’s whereabouts
With the info out, Tracy tells Bond to do one and storms off
Bond pursues
She’s crying
Louis Armstrong starts playing
We get a montage of them bonding
It’s not really earned but at least they’re building it a bit
Like, this should be the build-up of them getting to know each other and the story earning the relationship, but instead it’s their romance growing ever-stronger and looking at engagement rings when the love weren’t strong to begin with
But maybe that’s just her way of showing it

A bit later
Bond goes to visit a Blofeld contact called Gumbold
He shouts to no-one in particular that he will be back in an hour (Gumbold)
Bond sneaks into his office while he’s out
BUT GUMBOLD’S FORGOTTEN SOMETHING
oh no he hasn’t, all good

Bond pops out onto the balcony
has a gander at the construction company over the road
a crane lifts a case up to Bond
Handy

It’s a big ol’ machine
for cracking safes

Tracy and her dad talk about love
She ain’t sure Bond’s in love with her
He’s too Bond-y, in’t he?

Bond reads the paper and an issue of playboy waiting for the safe to crack
reading might be a push for what he’s doing with that playboy
the safe opens
he finds some files
the safe cracker turns into a scanner
he copies the files as Humbold makes his way back up
UH OH
The crane returns to take the case back and Bond hightails it
takes his playboy with him

Bond goes to visit M at his house
M is sorting his butterflies
Bond shows off about his butterfly knowledge
The next lead is in London, one Hilary Bray

Bond goes to see Bray under the guise of looking up his own family tree
cos Bray’s a geneaologist or whatever
we get the true story of the Bond’s of Peckham and the family crest and motto of ‘orbis non sufficit’ (the world is not enough)
Bray’s happy to work with MI6
Bray’s gonna meet Blofeld, but Bond’s gonna go in his stead, posing as Bray, so they do a bad dub-job to show Bond doing his voice — for no feckin’ reason
Bray tells Bond that the real Blofeld has no earlobes

We’ve gan to Switzerland
Bond steps off the train looking like Sherlock Holmes
He meets Irma Bunt and Grunther
They whisk him up to his quarters, thinking he’s Bray of course

They get followed by the same guy who craned the safe-cracker to Bond

Bond gets a sleigh ride up to a chopper that’s gonna take him the rest of the way
Bond’s mate can’t follow anymore
Nice scenic ride though
bit of bobsledding going on
also an allergy institute on top of a mountain
that’s a tricky commute
they land and they give him some good hospitality

Bunt calls some bald bloke with a white cat to tell of the arrival
Bunt tells Bray-Bond that he must call the attendant if he wants to leave the room
Alone at last he has a gander round his room
very fancy
electric blinds, what a time

That evening, he whacks on a kilt and goes to have a drink with a load of models he finds upstairs
Bunt says that they are the patients
The models begin to question him about geneaology, with one of them obvs making a gynecology joke
The world’s fastest waiter brings him a whiskey
He tells the lasses about geneaology but Bunt forbids surnames from being spoken

As they all sit down for dinner, they all have a specific type of food they’re eating — seemingly all something they previously hated or were allergic to
Bond bores them chatting about royal houses
He still manages to hit on them with chat about beasants — golden balls

one of the lasses writes somet on Bond’s leg in lipstick
he gets all tense
Bunt asks if he’s okay
he says he’s got a stiffness coming on

It is Bond’s time to see whoever’s in charge

He heads into an ice cavern
Is this just a regular geneaology meeting?
Now we are in a lab of sorts
lotsa shaky test tubes about

Here’s Kojak
He ain’t got no earlobes
he says he’s got a lot of labs to cure allergies and that
and he also thinks he has to prove that he’s the reigning count of wherever

So Bray-Bond gets taken back to his room to look at documents
He looks at his leg and gets the lipsticked room number
He grabs a ruler and tries to hack his way out the room
He runs afoul of some electrics and give himself a shock
but then he starts eavesdropping — in German though, so he don’t get it
able to slice his way out though
he goes stalking doon the hallways, looking for the sexy room number from his thigh — room 8

making his way in, he finds the lass presenting on the bed
all the lasses think he’s gay
but not Ruby from Morecambe Bay
Bond asks her to call him Hilly then loses his kilt

post sex now
they discuss the allergies
she pushes Bond back as a weird sound happens
she says it’s part of the cure
coloured lights start and Blofeld’s voice comes on talking about how much she loves chickens now
so he’s like hypnotising them into becoming sleeper agents or somet

Bond gaaz back to his room
there’s someone in his room
another one of the model people/patients
he feeds her the same lines he fed Ruby and they get to it as well
a lot of sex in the Bond franchise is just to get folk to shut up or avoid suspicion

NEXT MORN
Bond’s mate wants to go up to the top
he’s proving pretty useless as he gets shouted away by Grunther

bit of curling with the models
Bunt checks that his stiffness has gone

now Bond’s mate is climbing up on his own
but a guard spots him
and he gets shot at

Blofeld comes up to see the models and Bond
then he tells Bond’s mate to bugger off before telling Bond to get back to work

That evening he pops back round to Ruby’s for a shag but it’s Bunt
Grunther knocks him out and he wakes up to a Christmas Tree

Blofeld welcomes him as 007
he tells him of his mistakes and how he found him out, little mistakes
then he tells Bond that he started the foot and mouth outbreak
he’s all into bacteria warfare these days

Blofeld can wipe out specific species if he wants
food, animal, plant… HUMAN

Blofeld takes Bond to a cell, showing him his dead mate along the way
He tries to fight out, but can’t beat the numbers game
His cell is the gears room of the cable car
big drop
it sets off and he times it

with the models, they’ve all got presents from Blofeld

Bond climbs the mechanism but gets stuck as it starts up again
he has to move quickly when it starts up again
he tears out the lining of his pockets and uses them as gloves to move himself along the cable car wire
but it starts up again and begins feeding him into the mechanism, but he drops off just in time

the models all have a bit of egg nog and it puts ’em to sleep
Blofeld’s voice comes on and tells ’em to ‘rest’ before they go on a journey

Bond attempts the clamber again, and he just makes it
he’s now out on a ledge, over the alp
the cable car is coming towards him, so he has no choice but to drop onto it
this takes him up to the deck and back onto solid ground
he’s done all of this in a sweater vest, outstanding
he walks in on the models getting hypnotised
who get to open their presents
they each get a coupla gadgets disguised as make-up

Bond sneaks away and loudly takes out a guard
the models come by and Bond hides in the storage cupboard
Bond brutally ties the dude up — real harsh

Bond gets his ski gear on after making a bad joke that made no sense
the sweet intense music starts and he’s off skiing down the mountain
he’s immediately potted the baddies and shot at, but he evades
Blofeld is informed
he sends all his goons after him
Bond showing some good skills
some of the baddies going hands free so they can shoot at Bond, eh
they also set off flares so Bond cannae hide in the dark
they gots to stop him before he gets to the village

THEY GET ONE OF HIS SKIS
He’s one-skiing it — essentially a skinny snowboard
one baddie flies right into a tree and gets called a knob

another one goes into a tree, but it shouldn’t have stopped him

BOND GOES INTO A TREE
but he uses his ski to take out the other guards, sending one flying off the cliff
but it’s obvs a mannequin, so he’s okay
the other he engages in battle with and has to send him off the cliff as well
Bond locks in his new skis and slides away

the models pile onto a bus, their time at the institute done
Now, they’re just Blofeld’s agents

Bond hides in a shed with a load of bells
The Bell Shed
he gets into a noisy fight with a guard
the baddies end up covered in bells as Bond slips away again

he hides in amongst the throngs at the ice carnival
the guards are jumping to look over folk
Bond is running scared a bit as he gets spooked by a bear costume
He’s keeping his head down
TRACY’S HERE
they reconvene and she gets him out of there under a sky of fireworks
but they’re still a bit surrounded
she sneaks him away though

She takes him to a post office to get in touch with London but Bunt finds him and shoots at him before he can get in touch
Tracy speeds away and James hops in for the escape
Tracy shows some mad driving skills
she drives through some crowds to lose ’em and ends up in a stock car race
Bunt’s car joins as well
and keeps shooting

Bunt’s car is flipped and on fire
Tracy and Bond drive off into the snowblind
where they promptly run out of fuel
luckily there’s a wee lodge nearby

they hunker down in the stable with a few lovely horses

BOND SAYS HE LOVES HER
THEN HE PROPOSES
holy shit
they discuss venues before a roll in the hay
the horses look away, not wanting to be rude

NEXT MORN
Blofeld’s found ‘em
or their car at least
cos they be skiing away
but the baddies are back in pursuit
more ski chases

six baddies
the first gets caught in a snow spreader, and spread himself across the alps
Blofeld uses a flare to prompt an avalanche
two more baddies getd caught in the avalanche
Bond and Tracy keep outrunning it, but Tracy goes down
Bond dives off to hold on to her and they roll down together
but they lose grip!

once the dust settles…

Blofeld spies with his binoculars and sees Tracy’s body still moving
his goons drag her away
as Bond rises from the snow

He’s back at MI6 HQ
he looks pissed
Blofeld wants amnesty for Tracy’s safe return
M talks Bond down from going after Blofeld with force

Bond goes around MI6 and uses Tracy’s dad to get up there

Blofeld tries to flirt with Tracy, but she’s having none of it
He then finds out about the aircrafts coming at him and his base
Tracy distracts him so Bond and her dad can get close

then they attack
grenades and bullets and some menacing hovering
Blofeld legs it
Tracy fights off the guards with some champagne bottles
Bond gets his feet down

Tracy and Grunther duke it out
and while Grunther has he strength advantage…
Tracy got the skills, knackering his arm and face
He pops back up and locks in a choke hold, but Tracy impales him on some wall spikes, a very odd decoration
Bond and Tracy are reunited
the hotel room goon from the start has a flamethrower, but now he’s on Bond’s side
Draco and his lads lay down some ‘splosives

Bond heads down to the lab
he finds Blofeld’s secret stuff about his sleeper agents and takes some photos for evidence
Blofeld runs in and tries to gun him, but gets chased off

Draco and his lads set off their bomb
Bond’s on a clock now
Draco gets on his chopper but Tracy wants to go back for James, so her dad gives her the stiffest right hook I ever did see, knocking her out cold, then carrying her on the chopper
they count down and the bomb goes off

Blofeld goes flying down the hillside, with Bond in pursuit, but he nearly goes down a crevasse
Blofeld’s off on his bobsled — the evilest of transport
Don’t show a bobsled in the first act if you don’t ride it by the fifth

James has got one of his own of course
They shoot back and forth at each other until Blofeld hosses his gun at Jimmy, but they both keep gaan
Blofeld gets a grenade, but nearly drops it in his own sled, but manages to get it on to the track where it sends Bond flying
but Bond gets himself back on the track and hangs off the back of Blofeld’s sled as he goes careering down the track

BOBSLED FIGHT

Bond gets his head dragged against the ice
good thing he had a helmet

Bond then kicks Blofeld up and he hits a branch
Bond utters ‘he’s branched off’ and it looks like he’s been hanged

Bond is met by a lovely Saint Bernard who rolls about with him

swift ending to that sequence then

WEDDING TIME
Bond and Tracy are wed and it’s a lovely day for all
Even Q’s there, getting a look-in, good to see
some weird dance around their wedding car
Tracy’s got Q’s blessing
and so does Bond
nice moment there

Bond eaves goodbye to Moneypenny
throws her a hat
what a cunt

off go the married couple
on a romantic drive
a car really wants to get past ‘em
they pull over and let ’em by
Bond stretches his legs
another car comes by

IT’S BUNT
AND BLOFELD

she’s got a gun
Bond ducks

Tracy doesn’t

and that’s it

that’s the end

a genuinely sad moment
a police officer approaches and Bond is in denial
he once again says that they have all the time in the world

that was a lot heart-wrenching actually

where the swift ending is even more jarring

there’s nowt else to add or say
jesus

FIN?
I mean yeah
FIN

fuck

— — — — — — —

Keep it streets ahead,

C.L.R.

Freshly squeezed football content. Mostly.