Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — Spectre — A Reactionary Transcript #11

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the eleventh of these case studies; Spectre.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

Spectre spoilers ahead.

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ROAR

We’re underway

Bang

I’m dead

‘The dead are alive’

MEXICO

Day of the dead

Grim Fandango walks against the parade

Following Sir Daniel Fortesque and his missus into a lift

She whispers somet to him

BEdroom time

Wait, it’s not Fortesque, it’s Bond

Though he is looking to bone

HEY-O

Oh no, he’s off

Poor bedroom etiquette

He got a gun on the rooftops

Lovely parade though, not the time for murder, James

Bond finds the baddies discussing their plan

Spotted, takes two of ’em down

One of the baddies was Grim Fandango!

He gets away

Big boom

Bomb I reckon

Uh-oh

Building coming down

Run Jimothy!

Slide jimothy

Jump jimothy

Drop jimothy

Right onto a sofa

James spies Grim Fandango

Chase is on

Shouldn’t have worn a white suit if you wanted to blend in, mate

Grim’s gonna escape by chopper

Bond intercepts

Sends the pilot crackers

James and Grim are hanging out of this chopper

Pilot looks miffed

James sees Grim’s ring

BARREL ROLL

Grim goes flying

Chopper goes straight up

And….

Straight back down

That’s what happens when you choke out the pilot

And send him flying… out of the chopper

Bond manages to pull up

And he’s away

That is how you achieve an opening sequence by saying very little

OPENING CREDITS

M’s not happy

Is he ever?

He don’t need Bond sass

Bond was in Mexico without permission

M stands him down cos he won’t fess why he was there

Max Denbigh looks a cunt

So is Bond

Cunt on cunt

He’s head of someone joining up with MI6, new defence lot

Totally evil

Moneypenny’s about

She’s got effects from Skyfall

Bond invites her over

Bond’s got a video of M

She tells Bond to kill Grim Fandango and go to his funeral

Bond asks Moneypenny to dig up info on The Pale King

Bit of light flirting gets the job done, then send her on her way

Bond digs through the Skyfall effects

Picture of him and two folk skiing

MI6 still blown to shit

Gonna be blown up

Bond calls Denbigh ‘C’

MI6 got a new underwater base

Well, onwater

BOND DON’T NEED NO HAND HE AIN’T A PUSSY

Q’s lab

Microchips in the blood

Like Casino Royale

Track Bond

Ooo, Q gives Bond a nice car to say sorry

But it’s not for him

Bond spies his Aston Martin though

It’s in bits

Bond wants Q to make him disappear

And he does

Moneypenny’s got a prezzie

Off J

It’s an old phone

M forgot her birthday

Q’s lab has been broken into

Car’s gone

Champagne in its place

ROMA

LOVELY VIBRANT BEAUTIFUL ROME

Funeral

Very open-plan funeral

Bond don’t like the back of one guy’s head

Everyone disperses quicker than owt as soon as the priest is done talking

Bond approaches the widow

He’s not even cold, Jimmy

The widow is escorted home

She puts on some opera and drinks some brandy

There’s a man with a gun

There’s another man with a gun

I don’t like her odds

No worries! Bond’s about

She’s gonna get killed cos she knows too much now her hubby’s dead, but Bond’s like ‘yeah, whatever’, then tries to fuck her

He gets his information and gets his end away

Tells her to call Felix for safety

Says bye and fecks off to a Spectre meeting

Gets in by mentioning Mickey Mouse

They all be talking about boring shit when boss man walks in

Some guy says he’ll deal with The Pale King after Grim’s death

Boss man whispers shit to a few people

Guerra, who wants to do in The Pale King is challenged for the job by Batista

When asked to state his credentials for replacing Grim Fandango, he crushes a guy’s head

Boss man knows James i there

Then he says cuckoo

RUN JAMES

James is a man who knows where the exits are

He speeds off in his motor

But Batista’s got a car too

Bond’s got no ammo in his car gadgets

The car plays music Bond don’t like

Then he gets stuck behind a slow car so he pushes it along

Poor old man

At least his air bag deployed

This is the ideal time to call Moneypenny

Bond tells her about Spectre

There was a man in Moneypenny’s bed and Bond’s jealous or… Kidding?

The Pale King is Mr. White from the other films

He’s in Austria

Batista catches up with Bond

Bond tells Moneypenny to look up Franz Oberhauser

Cracking soundtrack here

They going canal side on this chase

Or river side

Bond’s got rocket exhaust

Sets Batista’s car on fire

Last gadget is an ejector seat

Lucky, cos he was out of road

C wants info

But his form or whatever doesn’t get voted in

Boardroom stuff

Tanner gets word about Bond in Italy

M asks Q where the feck he is

Q tells M that Bond’s in Chelsea when in fact…

He’s in Austria!

Snowy, chilly lovely Austria!

Cocks his gun

Approaches a wood cabin

Gets in and points his gun at some crows

Camera are set up

Finds a secret door

And there’s Mr. White

They have a nice catch-up

White tells Bond he found Thallium in his phone, so it’s killed him

Spectre did it to him cos he disobeyed them

This conversation is over a chessboard

Mr. White’s protecting his daughter

Bond gives White a gun so he’ll trust him

He does

White tells Bond where his daughter is so he can protect her

White says that she can lead Bond to L’Americain

Then he shoots himself

LONDON!

C’s new headquarters look impractical

M gives him a dressing down

C has the recordings of Bond and Moneypenny chatting about Mr. White

Batista finds Mr. White being pecked at

The Hoffler Klinik

Somewhere in Austria maybe

Could be Switzerland

Where Mr. White’s daughter works

Her name is Dr. Madeleine Swann

She asks Bond some basic psychology questions and he crumbles

Speaks volumes, nice

He goes straight to work

Bond tells Swann that his job is to kill people

Is he threatening her?

No, but it sounds like it

She gets the news her dad’s dead and now Bond needs her help

Swann wants him out

Bond hits the bar

They don’t serve alcohol

Q rocks up

Tells Bond that Oberhauser is dead

Bond knows he saw him as the head of Spectre

Swann’s being cornered in her office

Bond spies Batista getting away with Swann

Q is being eyeballed on his cable car while he’s scanning the Spectre ring

Swann kills one of her assailants

Bond has commandeered a plane

Q gets a lot of hits for fingerprints on the ring

Then he isn’t allowed off his cable car by two big men

Bond swoops for Batista

Misses him

Q uses the explosion distraction to run away

Bond loses his wings and wheels

Now just sliding after Batista and Swann

Then he loses control and slides into a quaint little town, destroying their local economy probably

But at least he got the bad guys

Batista went through the windscreen

But he’s gonna be alright

Bond threatens Swann again

Goes with Bond to meet Q

Q tells Bond that Oberhauser is still alive

And that he links all the baddies

Swann tells em that the organisation is Spectre

L’Americain isn’t a person, it’s a place

TANGIER

Lovely sunny and warm Tangier

Jewel of Morocco!

Swann and Bond actually look on holiday

Good disguise

Get to L’Americain hotel

The room is where Mr. White got all shady cos it was where he had his honeymoon

Bond finds a bottle of voddy or somet while looking for a hiding place

Swann falls into Bond’s arms but wants none of him

She’s pissed

And talking French

To liars and killers everywhere

Bond intimidates a mouse while Swann sleeps

Finds a secret room

Good interrogation

Swann wakes up for a gander as well

She finds photos of her in her dad’s secret room

Bond finds a video of Vesper Lynd being interrogated, chucks it down

Finds some coordinates

Finds Oberhauser

He’s in the middle of nowhere

C gets his shit in with a unanimous vote cos South Africa, who were holding out, got bombed

M calls C a cocky bastard and storms off

C shuts down toe double-0 programme

Bond and Swann on a train to nowhere

Swann don’t want a gun

Bond wants her to have one

She knows how to use one

Cos she killed a fella when she was a kid

Q and Moneypenny have news for M

That Bond’s heading for a base in North Africa

If MI6 can track Bond, so can C

M says that Bond’s on his own

Bond and Swann dress up for dinner

They have their flirty dinner

Is there a scene missing?

They so chill now

Swan tries to talk Bond out of being an assassin

Then Batista comes in for a kickabout

Bond gets thrown about

Swann gets knocked out

Batista tries to crush Bond’s head

Batista brings down the bar

Then gets set on fire

Batista shakes shit off and barges Bond about

Then wants to throw him off the train

But Swann shoots Batista in the arm

OUT OF BULLETS

Bond strangles him with rope

Attaches the rope to a load of kegs and pushes them off the train

They break his neck as they pull him off the train

Weirdly dubbed French accented ‘shit’ as he goes like

Good henchman battle

Bond and Swann have relations

The whole adrenaline thing

End up at the middle of nowhere

One sole hut for a train station

They just sit and wait

A car comes for them

BOND LIKES CARS

Bond and Swann get in and are driven to…

A crater base

They get a warm welcome

A butler wants their guns

They give ‘em

Bond gets to his room

Sees that skiing photo that was found in Skyfall

It’s got Christoph Waltz in it

Swann’s room has photos of her and her pa

Head to meet Oberhauser

He has a big rock in the main room

He lets them touch it

It’s a meteorite

The one that made the crater they’re in

Some metaphors about meteors

They go for another walk

Oberhauser shows them a load of computers

Direct feed to M giving a farewell speech

They spy on folk

Hurt innocents to get their countries on their side

Like C

C is in Spectre

Oberhauser tells Bond that because Bond interfered in Spectre business with Greene, Le Chiffre, Silva etc., Spectre killed Lynd and all the other women in Bond’s life, including M

Spectre did that

Oberhauser turns the computers off

Then shows Swann how her dad died

How Bond gave him the gun

They knock Bond out

He wakes up to see a lizard

And a white cat

Do not like Oberhauser’s toms and no socks

He’s gonna cut into Bond’s head with a little drill

Bond chooses to diss him at that moment

Oberhauser goes for it

Gets right in there

Oberhauser and Bond are adoptive brothers

Oberhauser’s dad adopted James so Franz killed his dad cos he was jealous

Then Oberhauser brings up cuckoos again, saying that when a cuckoo hatches in another birds’ nest, it forces the other eggs out

When he faked his death, Oberhauser changed his name

To Ernst Stavro Blofeld

Blofeld slutshames Bond as he goes about destroying his brain

This guy is cold

Dig it

Blofeld gets in there again

Bond sets his watch off

One minute

Watch goes boom

Bond and Swann escape

Blofeld got blown up

Bond marches out of there amid explosions and shooting everyone very nicely

The base blows up and they get away on a chopper

Bit easy

Bond knows that

A couple of cars get outta there

LONDON

By night light

Lovely lit up London

Archaic architecture

Safehouse for M, Q and Tanner just off Trafalgar Square

Bond’s in there

They have to stop C from starting up his system

Swann doesn’t want any of it

She wants to leave

Bond doesn’t want her to go

She leaves

Bond tries to shake it off

Don’t wanna protect her?

No, okay, off they go

M and Bond in one car

Q, Tanner and Moneypenny in another

M and Bond run off the road

Bond gets kidnapped

M gets away, the other three get out of there

Bond fights off some goons as he discovers he’s been taken to the old MI6 building

On the memorial wall, Bond’s name has been graffitied on

With a direction

He follows the arrows

C rushes to get his thingy going

Orders his goons to kill M

M’s in his office

Q’s hacked C’s computers

M and C are gonna have a posh boy fight

Bond’s in the sewers

A lot of explosives about

Target practice pops up with Bond’s face on it

Then one with an unseen face on it

Explosives are wired very trickily

Q’s havin trouble

Bond walks past some old MI6 cells

Le Chiffre, Silva, Lynd, Mr. White, M have photos in them

No Dom Greene, mean

He finds Blofeld

Behind bulletproof glass

Blofeld’s got a scar now

And a milky eye

Blofeld’s got Swann

He’s gonna blow up the building with Swann in it and escape

Bond can either die trying to save Swann or run out and live with the guilt

Bond’s going for her

Q’s done it

Blofeld’s in his chopper

C falls down his fancy building after what I’d call a ‘scuffle’ with M

Bond runs up the building to find Swann

Blofeld watches from his chopper

Bond finds her

Tied with explosives

44 seconds

Gets her out

Jumps down the building

Blofeld wishes him farewell

The building goes up epileptically

Bond got out on a boat

Fires at the chopper and makes a hit

That’s a bingo

They gonna crash on Westminster Bridge

Blofeld survives and gets out

His weird assistant that didn’t warrant mentioning is dead

Blofeld crawls away as MI6 approach and Bond reaches land

Swann’s after Bond

Bond finds a crawling Blofeld

Bond points a gun at Blofeld

Finish it

Bond lets him live

M on one side

Swann on the other

Work

Life

Killing

Love

Love always wins

Though not that often in Bond films

Yet here we are

Bond Swanning off into the moonlight

Blofeld gets arrested by M

Q’s busy at work the next morning

He is visited by one James Bond

He wants his Aston Martin back

What a goodbye

Oh no he’s doing one more

FIN

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Keep it streets ahead,

C.L.R.