Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — The Living Daylights — A Reactionary Transcript #14

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the fourteenth of these case studies; The Living Daylights.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

The Living Daylights spoilers ahead.

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ROAR

Away we go

Hold up

United Artists logo first

Here it is

A man that is probably Timothy Dalton does a good job of shooting me

Ooo shit, beaches of Normandy or somet

M and the 00 section are on some serious training

It’s Gibraltar

Yeah, the rock’s a dead giveaway

Load of agents jump out a plane after getting a pep talk from M

M has a desk on this jet

All his papers get blown away

As the agents land, someone’s spying ‘em

One guy gets got after he lands in a tree

‘That’s it, chum, you’re out of it’

Just like a paintball though

Another guy gets got

BUT THEN SPINS ROUND AND ACTUALLY SHOOTS THE GUY

Sore loser

The loser then slides a note down to a guy on a rope before cutting him loose down the rock of Gib

‘Ere’s Jimmy

Gets spooked by a monkey

Loser continues his killing spree

Drives off

Bond runs after the van successfully

Loser misses him with a few shots

Bond’s on top of his van

The van catches fire

Bond gets birthed into the van

They knock some merch stands over

And thwack a car door off

THEN THEY GO FLYING OFF THE ROCK

Bond’s got his parachute from the plane though

Dunno how he made it to ground originally, but alright

Loser blows up on his way off’t cliff

Bond luckily lands on a boat where a bikini-clad woman is bemoaning the lack of real men in her vicinity

Bond nicks her phone

Calls base says he’ll be back in an hour

Double takes the sexy lady

Makes it two hours

Might be more urgent matters here, Jimmy

OPENING CREDS

An orchestra in somewhere I believe to be Berlin

Bond meets Saunders for a secret meeting

They’re spying on a bloke

He spies on the cellist

Looking a bit more Russian now actually

But Germany could be like that

The bloke they’re spying on is Georgi Koskov, a fella who wants to defect from the KGB and Saunders wants his defection done his way, not Bond’s

Koskov asked for Bond to protect him while Saunders gets him away

The orchestra reaches half-time, pie and pint time

Koskov goes to the bathroom and hops oot window

The cellist in a sniper looking to kill Koskov

Bond goes to shoot her

Shoots her gun

Koskovs guards come looking

Saunders gets Koskov out of there

The cellist runs

Koskov hugs Bond as Bond escapes with him

Leaves Saunders with the sniper

Bond plans to sneak Koskov away through a pipeline

With help from a lass named Rosie who seems cool

They gonna zoom him through the pipe and he’s a bit scared

Rosie goes to distract the supervisor with her boobs

And that’s enough for him not to hear the sirens gaan off

We hear Koskov gaan through the pipeline to Austria, where Q receives him

I have no idea which feckin country they were in

I see a Czech flag, but also some German emblems

Q gets Koskov in a jet and away

Saunders is pissed at Bond for changing the plan

HE SAID ‘THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS’

Thinking about the cellist, thinks she wasn’t a pro

TRAFALGAR SQUARE

Q’s running Bond through a load of cool KGB lassassins

Moneypenny has some banter with him

M wants to see Bond

Q hears some rad music and goes running

A big ol’ radio has a bazooka in it

Q calls it a ghetto blaster

M wants Bond to go to Harrods

THEY WERE IN BRATISLAVA

So, Czech then, Slovakia now

Barry Manilow gets a shout-out

Moneypenny’s a lot hornier in this one

Some milk delivery on a farm

White Pond Farm if you’re interested

Milkman gets strangled with his own headphones

The strangler becomes the milkman

Bond rocks up to this manor house in the same vicinity and has his weapons taken on his way in

He’s there to meet M

Koskov is there as well

Bond got him some Harrods food

The Stranglin’ Milkman rocks up to the manor

Has to be dubbed over with a cockney accent cos I’m pretty sure that actor is from the depths of Eastern Europe

But he gets in

Koskov says General Pushkin is why he defected

He also has info on a plan to kill British and American spies

The chef at the manor is feeding his parrot and then gets strangled by the milkman

THe milky then goes against another guard who puts in a good shift, but gets got

Ah, the milkman impersonates folk

He puts on the voice of the guard he knocked out to plant his cover

The milkman takes his milk and heads off

He finds trouble so throws a milk bottle at them

AND IT EXPLODES

Fantastic

That’s some deadly calcium

Gets a guy on the stairs with more exploding milk

Takes Koskov hostage

Poses as a doctor and loads him onto an air ambulance

Flies off with Koskov

Because of this, MI6 are apparently the laughing stock of ‘the intelligence community’

M puts out a termination order on General Pushkin and gives Bond the mission

Bond ain’t so sure Pushkin’s a bad guy

The note that loser slid down to the guy on the rope at the start said ‘kill all spies’ in Russian or somet

Apparently from Pushkin

Bond brings up the cellist again, he ain’t sure about her

Bond gaaz to see Q

Gives Bond a keyring

Loaded with stun gas that comes out when you whistle Rule Britannia, love it

It’s also got a plastic explosive in, one use only, activated by a wolf whistle

The keyring comes with keys as well, wow

They open 90% of the world’s locks

A sofa just ate a man

Moneypenny has found the dodgy cellist sniper, Kara Milovy

She’ll be playing again in Bratislava

Bond heads there before he goes to Tangier to deal with Pushkin

Bond takes the Aston Martin but it ain’t a DB5, so I’m not interested

Back at the orchestra

Bond’s the only one in

The Czechs must hate string quartets

But now there’s a load of people leaving

Huh?

Whatever

Kara gets on a tram

Bond follows

Two suspicious men get on the tram and grab Kara, taking her off

Ooo, take her to Pushkin, who’s in his car

Kara left her cello though, so Bond grabs that

Takes it to the bathroom for a look and there’s a bleedin’ sniper rifle in it

She has her card with the gun though, all her contact details and that

Handy like

Kara gets home to find her place trashed

Bond drops her cello off

He put the gun in the river

Bond likes her cello-ing

Tells her she’s being followed by the KGB

Kara’s got a framed photo of Koskov, they be in love

Bond found blanks with Kara’s sniper

Koskov made the British believe his defection was real

Bond tells Kara they they’ve got Koskov

Kara and Bond make a crafty escape past the KGB onlooker

But Kara needs her cello so they make a stop to get that

Then on they go

But the KGB are onto them and set the cops on ‘em

Some cops see ’em, but Bond lasers their car in half

Kara’s buying in to a lot of Bond excuses here as he continues to try and hide that he’s a secret agent

Then he missiles the shit out of a road block

Explain that one

Doesn’t explain the missiles, but explains bulletproof glass

Has to rival a feckin tank now

Bond heads for the frozen lake and takes a boathouse with him as he crashes into it

Extra layer of protection

Leave the boathouse

Ooo, get a tyre blown off

But with the exposed wheel, he slices a circle in the ice, sinking some coppers

Then deploys his car-skis and snow tyres

Heading for a load of Russians

Bit of nos

Gaas flying over them

9/10 on the ski jump

Cops don’t fare so well

But then Bond crashes

So sets the car to self-destruct

Blowing up a load of evil skiers

Bond and Kara then open the cello case and slide down the snowy hill on it, lovely stuff

Bond just hodden a big cello

Zero shots from six baddies with machine guns land

One hits the cello

They slide under a barrier and Bond hosses the cello over it and catches it on the other side, delightful

What a way to slide into Austria

But now

To TANGIER

Pushkin is gaan to a meeting with a guy who had loads of statues of dictators and leaders like Alexander The Great, Genghis Khan, and… Hitler

The guy who owns them is General Brad Whittaker

Pushkin calls his hall of great commanders ‘butchers’

Brad calls ’em surgeons, cutting away society’s dead flesh

Brad likes weapons n all

I think I know what kinda person Brad is

Brad shows Pushkin that he’s a big DnD player, and combines it with a bit of Risk

Brad wants to give Pushkin some weapons

Pushkin sez nah and cancels any other order the KGB has with Brad, asking for 50mil back

Pushkin exposes Brad, saying that he was never in any army and has no honour

Brad was dishonourably discharged and then worked as a mercenary and an arms dealer

Now he’s just a grown fella dressed up as an army man

Pushkin reckons Brad and Koskov are scheming somet

Kara and Bond go on a lovely Austrian horse ride

Kara thinks they’re gaan to see her lovely Koskov

But Bond reckons he miiiiiight have moved on to his next hiding spot

Bond and Kara get to their hotel

Bond gets tickets for the opera and buys Kara a dress

We see Koskov lounging by a pool gettin off with some models and hanging with the strangling milkman

They leave the pool to meet with Brad, who’s butchering a lobster

Brad puts out another hit on an agent and aims to blame Pushkin so the British go ahead and slay him

Bond and Kara hit the opera and Bond spies Saunders

Kara just wants to play cello and love Georgi, she’s so nice

Bond wants Saunders to get Kara some papers to leave the country

Tells Bond to meet him by the ferris wheel at midnight

Bond and Kara hit the funfair

They go up on the wheel

Saunders gets there as well, sees them go up

A man tries to sell him a balloon

IT’S THE STRANGLING MILKMAN

IT’S THE STRANGLING BALLOONMAN

Saunders gaaz for a pint

Bond and Kara get stuck at the top

Until Bond says he arranged it

Then he tries to kiss Kara

She seems into it

Don’t she love Koskov no more?

Maybe she’s polygamous, dunno

Bond and Kara reach the bottom of the wheel, still kissing

Bond goes to meet Saunders

Saunders tells Bond the cello that Koskov bought Kara was actually bought by Brad Whittaker at auction, so they know that they’re mates now

Saunders goes to leave after having a nice moment with Bond

But the milkman malfunctions the automatic door and it crushes Saunders

Then an ominous balloon bounces over to the body as Bond rushes to help

No longer the milkman, he hath become THE BALLOONMAN

The balloon has ‘kill all spies’ on it again

Bond sets off in angry pursuit of some balloons but ends up brandishing a gun at a child

Kara thinks Brad is a patron of the arts

Bond grabs her and they feck off to Tangier

Bond watches Pushkin and follows him

Puts on some funky binoc-specs

Sees Pushkin kissing somebody

Gets to Pushkin’s hotel room

Pushkin says he doesn’t know anything about ‘kill all spies’

He was about to arrest Koskov for misusing state funds, that’s why Koskov wanted out

Pushkin calls for help and Bond punches him

He then shocks to incoming guard with a naked lady before knocking him out, textbook

Bond says that as long as Pushkin is alive, Koskov will not come out of hiding, so Pushkin must die

Big gala event, Pushkin’s giving a speech

His first name’s Leonid, that’s my middle name

The Balloonman has knocked out one of the lighting dudes, he is know THE LIGHTING MAN

The Lighting Man goes to shoot Pushkin, but then a gunshot comes from elsewhere and Pushkin is down

Bond goes running

Coupla guards chase him

He flicks a tele aerial at ‘em

Pushkin gets wheeled out

The Lighting Man is all like ‘whaaa?’

Pushkin gets up

A couple of lasses pick Bond up and get him out of there

They actually take him hostage

That’s a hit to the ego

They take Jimmy to a boat and get him below decks

A weird Felix Leiter admonishes him

The CIA have been following Pushkin as well, so they compare cases

The Milkman goes back to see Brad and Koskov, who congratulate him

Milkman says he didn’t do it, that Bond did it

Koskov thinks that means the British believe him

Koskov gets a call, looks antsy

In Bond’s hotel, Kara is practising her cello

Kara remembers how Bond likes his martini

It’s not hard, it’s one instruction

Bond tells Kara the truth about him and Koskov

Kara thinks Bond is KGB

KARA’S POISONED HIM WITH THE MARTINI

THE MILKMAN ENTERS THE FRAY

Bond’s out

Koskov’s here

He praises Kara’s work

She seems rattled

They and Bond get on a plane outta there

They get Bond a passport that reads Jerzy Bondov, flawless

They handcuff Bondov to a seat

There’s an organ chest with somet in

Bond wakes up and tries to open it while Milkman is in the bathroom

Kara sees the light, helps Bond

The organ box does have a heart in, but it’s an animal’s heart and the ice packingit, has diamonds hidden in it

Bond asks Kara for his keyring before Milkman comes back

Koskov is planning to turn Bond into the authorities for killing Pushkin

And he’ll get out of all his shit by saying he was undercover for Pushkin

Duty has no sweethearts

Bond says Koskov is full of it

EVERYBODY OFF

Kara retrieves the keyring first

In Afghanistan they meet General Feyador, who is responsible for getting Bond to Moscow

Koskov also tells them to take Kara, dick

A gaudy Russian jailer shouts everything at everyone

Beats up Bond a bit, tells Kara to strip, tells another prisoner that he’s gonna be shot in the morning etc.

Bond works the keyring’s magic on ’em, fights ’em off

The gaudy jailer tries to pierce Bond on his receipt spike

LOW BLOW

Handcuffs driven under the nose

The other prisoner gives Bond a hand then flips the jailer off as Bond pushes him into a cell and locks him in

Kara sees the bright side but Bond snaps her out of it

Bond lets the other prisoner out, good lad

Bond and Kara get some Russian jackets and sneak out

Top quality sneaking here

They drive some car stairs to the fence and hop over

As they make a dash, they are attacked by guerrilla soldiers, but the other prisoner pops by and says that they’re good guys, so they whisk ’em to safety

Good deeds, eh?

We horse ride past some of the atrocities occurring in Afghanistan

Then they get a nice place to stay

Bond and Kara meet the other prisoner at his spot

His name is Kamran Shah and he now has a British accent

He is Deputy Commander of the Eastern District

Shah won’t give Bond any guns and now Bond’s running out of time to get to Koskov

So he agrees to go to do an operation with Shah and his boys

Bond wants to send Kara directly to London

Kara decks him with a pillow

Like, proper takes him down

Kara calls him a horse’s arse and they hug it out

Then they make out

And probs more

Off they go on their excursion

Kara has joined Bond

Koskov and the milkman set off on their way as well

Bond is suspicious of somet and checks Shah’s men’s medical supplies

It’s opium

Shooting now

Kamran is selling opium to Koskov to get arms money

Koskov is turning a profit with a down payment for weapons

Bond asks for some plastic explosives

Koskov loads his opium

Bond puts a sack on but then stays in the back of the truck

Shah and his boys get their diamonds

Kara nicks Shah’s gun and goes after Bond

Shah follows on after an apparently obligatory ‘women’

Bond gets back onto the military base

Shah, Kara and the boys begin to infiltrate

Bond loads a sack onto a plane with the others but it’s got a bomb in it, dunnit

While getting off the plane, he runs into Koskov and Milkman

Fight’s on

Bond sends ’em scarpering when he nicks a gun

Shah gets through a fence with a digger and now all hell’s about to break loose

Shah goes on to level a few houses

Kara’s having a good watch

Shah catches a few grenades with his digger and drives ’em into some Russians

Some fucker shot a horse

Kara gets grabbed but she batters a fella off

Koskov tries to block the runway with an oil tanker

Shah blows it up, with Koskov’s mate Feyador inside

An explosion knocks Kara off her horse

So she hops in a jeep and gaaz after Jimmy

Koskov and Milkman get a jeep of their own

Kara windscreen wipes off an invading Russian on her bonnet

Milkman tries to gun Kara down

James lowers his ramp so Kara can drive on

She’s in

But there’s also an open door

And Milkman hops aboard

Koskov’s truck crashes into another plane, but he manages to escape

Bond finally closes the door

But now Milkman’s got ‘im

Wraps him in a net and tries to strangle him

Kara opens the ramp and tips the plane

A net of opium goes sliding with Bond and Milkman hanging off it

They try to kick each other off it

Ooo, right hook, Milkman nearly goes flying

Milky pulls a knife

Minute and a half til the bomb goes

Bond cuts the opium out of the net

Minute to go

It’s not gonna hold

Milky’s holding on by Bond’s boot

Bond cuts his laces

Milky goes skydiving

Freestyle

Bond gets flung back on to the plane and raises the ramp

TWO SECONDS

Diffuse

All good

Obvs because Bond sent Milky flying holding onto his shoe, Bond tells Kara that ‘he got the boot’

Bond resets the bomb and drops it on some enemy tanks, blowing up a bridge in the process

He cares not for infrastructure

The plane is low on fuel

All them bullets do have consequences

Engines stop

They just gliding now

Bond tells Kara to get in the jeep

They car parachute out the back while the lane gaaz into a mountain

They head off for Karachi, 200 miles away

The odd Felix is in Bond’s ear to locate Koskov and Brad

Bond is by the pool and Brad’s estate

Bond gets spooked by another animal, this time a bird

Felix and his two lasses are weird

Brad’s playing with his toys

Bond and Brad banter about the Civil War

Brad don’t like that Bond burned his opium

Brad opens his arsenal and opens fire

Bond’s hiding in the dark

Brad’s gun comes with a shield

He’s a weapons expert so he knows how many shots Bond’s gun has and plays it against him

He also sets off a remote control cannon

Brad disses Wellington as Bond hides behind a sculpture of the Duke

Bond puts his keyring on Wellington and wolf whistles

Brad is crushed by a massive bust of Wellington

I love it

Bond nearly gets shot by an onrushing guard but Pushkin rocks up and nails him

Bond tells Pushkin that Brad met his Waterloo

Koskov is brought to Bond and he’s surprised to see Pushkin

Koskov goes on to play innocent, blaming Whittaker for everything, hugging Pushkin

Pushkin tells his men to put Koskov on the next train to Moscow… Wait for it… In a body bag

GOTEEM

Bond gets Kara off

Execution-wise

Kara is now playing in her orchestra again

Probs in London, cos M is there

She meets General Gogol

That’s played off as a big return

But he does give Kara a nice visa

Kamran Shah rocks up and gives his apologies that he missed the concert but he had some trouble at the airport, good joke

Bond is on assignment and can’t be there

Kara is sad about this

But in her dressing room are two unpoisoned martinis and a lovely Welsh Bond

Smooches

An orgasmic ‘Oh, James’

And we’re out

FIN

The Pretenders get the credits song

Okay

FIN

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Keep it streets ahead,

C.L.R.