Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — The Man With The Golden Gun — A Reactionary Transcript #5

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the fifth of these case studies; The Man With The Golden Gun.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

The Man With The Golden Gun spoilers ahead.

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There’s the lion and we’re off

Island setting, beautiful girl, couple of loungers, delightful

Little man carrying ridiculously huge tray

Christopher Lee gets out the water with his hairy lower back and third nipple that’s apparently a plot point

Why would you get a little guy as a butler?

Nick Nack (the little guy) quietly lets a dude in the back door

Mystery dude is carrying a gun and Nick Nack gives him some moneh

Dead bugs on’t wall

Nick Nack brings Scaramanga some tabasco and then Scaramanga fecks off inside

Ooo, mystery man gonna kill him

Little bit of a hunt on, Nick Nack is challenging Scaramanga

This island resort has turned into a funhouse

Jumping skeletons and an animatronic cowboy freak the dude out

Now there’s fake gangsters, and the dude shoots them then apologises

The gangsters were fake, but the one at the front was clearly a real guy

Ooo, the golden gun

It’s a reflection

Nick Nack is voicing over the tannoy, telling em both where each other are, bit cheaty to me

Nick Nack turns the stairs into a slide and Scaramanga bolts down, does a sick dive roll, grabs the golden gun, BOOM, headshot, the guy’s dead

LIGHTS UP

IT’S BOND

No it’s not

It’s a life-size replica he keeps knocking about

Scaramanga shoots the gingers off one at a time

OPENING CREDITS

Bond’s in

Or is it a standee again?

No, it’s actually him

Title said within ten seconds

Scaramanga’s a circus kid

Scaramanga’s a million dollar assassin after being a trick shot kid

Scarry’s targeting 007, then asks who would target him, to which M says ‘Jealous husbands, outraged chefs, humiliated tailors’ what?

Two guys were also in the office and said nothing before M dismissed them

M’s taking 007 off all cases until Scaramanga is dealt with cos he’s targeting Bond

Ooo, M doing some under the table business with Bond, hinting that he should go after Scarry by himsel

Moneypenny bites Bond cos he calls her darling, noice

Bond goes to find the bullet that killed a 00 agent to confirm it was Scarry

So we obviously cut to a belly dancer who has it in her belly button

Her set is done, but Bond goes after her

In her dressing room, they do some light flirting and then Bond gets to business

So this fecker watches a man get shot through the neck and then she takes the bullet out the wall and keeps it as her lucky charm AND NOW she’s getting it on with Jimmy

She won’t let Bond get at it with his hands so he pretends to drop something so he can get it with his mouth, but some guards come in and hit him so he accidentally swallows it

Roger Moore has never looked tougher in a fight, but it helps that these are the most inept guards

Obvs Roger wins and escapes through a window

Q’s aboot!

Q and his assistant work out what kind of gun the bullet came from

Bond tells Q that he has no idea what that bullet went through to get here HA

Q and his assistant nerd out while Bond gets bored and then patronised

Now, Macau

Looking for the bloke who made the bullet

Bond finds Lazar (bloke who made the bullets) in the first house he tries

He’s like the Portuguese Q except he don’t piss about with weird gadgets

So he’s made a gun that requires less pressure to fire, so Bond’s aim is a bit off, then he goes for Lazar’s nads cos he wants info, but hey, an inch too low, genius

He gets the info though and now we’re off

Some lass retrieves the bullets from the casino

Breakneck speed still, we’re on a flying sandpiper boat

In Hong Kong

Go past a sunken ship called the Queen Elizabeth and lingers on it, so I reckon that comes back into it somewhere down the line

So they get to Hong Kong mainland and this lass with the bullets takes off in a Green Rolls Royce, then someone gets in the way of Bond’s taxi and it’s a mate of his called Goodnight

She seems distracted

They are speeding through everything here, Bond and Goodnight flirt and make dinner plans after not seeing each other for two years and then Bond’s away to interrogate bullet lady

She’s in the shower, oh no

Like I know she’s a bad guy smuggler, but still

Oh, she’s got a gun, darn

In the shower though

That seems dangerous

She calls down to reception

Her name is Miss Anders

Bond overpowers her and interrogates her

Miss Anders is Scarry’s lover

If she was a threat to Bond, this violence might be okay

Scaramanga only fecks with Miss Anders before he kills, like a bullfighter

Bond sets up Scaramanga with the help of his lover… OKAY

STRIP CLUB

Kinda

Just a scantily clad lady serving drinks in a circle

Scaramanga is feckin with Miss Anders, he gonna kill!

Bond runs into Nick-Nack

Oh man, Scaramanga’s after Bond

No, just some dude leaving the strip club

And he gets him

Nick-Nack inspects the body of the random dude and then walks away

Bond gets taken away by the guy who was with the guy who was shot, sez he’s a copper

This ‘copper’ gets Bond on a boat

Scaramanga gets away on his junk with Nick-Nack

Miss Anders is waiting in bed for him

Scarry uses the warm barrel of his gun as a bit of foreplay and then gets mad when she doesn’t like it

Bond is getting whisked off here

Scaramanga escapes

Bond’s in danger

They’re pulling up to the wreck of the Queen Elizabeth

Bond tries to escape onto the wreck but then finds out it’s a friendly base

Why wouldn’t the ‘copper’ just tell him that?

M’s here

So is the ‘copper’ now

His name is Lieutenant Hip

Right the guy who was shot was a solar energy expert MI6 were after

M wishes Bond was dead randomly

Gibson had sorted the energy crisis

Solar power, solar power was his solve

But he didn’t have the thing on him when he died

Bond reckons it was Hai Fat, a businessman in the energy biz

Bond, Hip and Goodnight are on the case to get to Hai Fat, who lives on a mountain top surrounded by guards

BOOM, we’re there

Hip stands on Bond’s soldiers, then vice versa, while JB smokes a cigar

Then he just goes in this feckin spot that’s crawling with guards and walks right into a naked lass swimming whose name is Chew Mee. for fecks sake

Bond gets his kit off to get in the pool and he’s stuck a third nipple on so everyone reckons he’s Scaramanga

Bond admits that there’s like no people who haven’t heard of James Bond the SECRET agent, thereby admitting that when he introduces himself to people, everyone knows who he is

Bond gets a dinner invite and then fecks off

Tears off the third nipple and gets on his way, revealing to Hip that Hai Fat found him quite titillating

Back inside, Hai Fat wanders back to his quarters, and Scaramanga is there, so he was in on the bit the whole time!

Hai Fat tells Scaramanga to kill Bond cos he wants to live a happy life and then be buried in the mausoleum he had built for himself

Bond cancels dinner plans with Goodnight but basically says that he’ll fuck her later

Goodnight gets it once Bond has left, I think she’s a bit slow

Hip picks up Bond but also has to give his nieces a lift. HE’S A GOVERNMENT AGENT

Bond shows up for dinner with Hai Fat

JB walks past a load of creepy people sculptures and now a few of them are real, one small dude (probs Nick-Nack) and two sumo wrestlers (probs not Nick-Nack)

Fight ensues in which Bond grabs butt, but he loses

Nick-Nack’s about to stab him with a big fork but Hai Fat stops em cos he don’t want death in his house

Bond gets sent to school

It’s a martial arts school

Bond watches two lads go at it with swords and it’s good combat, like

Then one dies

Then one dude gets up and just shows off some kicking by himself

Like Mac from It’s Always Sunny

And just as good

Bond is challenged by him

Doesn’t wanna bow

Kicks opponent in face while he’s bowing

Then Bond bows

Ooo, now he’s gotta face the black belt or somet

Bond’s gettin his arse kicked

But then the professional martial artist turns his back

Fight ongoing

Bond’s big move is a kick to the elbow

And a chop to the elbow

Then he dives through a window

Hip is there

Why?

Hip engages fourteen children in martial arts

Bond tells the nieces to stand back, but then they start kickin ass, dig it

The three of them win while Bond watches

Bond gets the last shot in though

Some bangin tune starts

Instrumental of Lulu’s theme it is

Hip full on drives off without Bond, what a dick

Luckily, there’s a speedboat for Bond to nick

Poetry

Off he goes, with the remaining martial artists pursuing him downstream on foot

Bond’s boat runs out of juice

Little kid hops on his boat to try and sell him a lovely elephant

Bond’s like ‘I’ll give you 20,000 quid if you get my boat to work’, which he does immediately

Bond throws him overboard and fecks off

The martial artists have a speedboat now, the chase is on

Sheriff J.W. Pepper is here

If you don’t know him, he was in the previous film

J.W. criticises his wife for wanting an elephant because they’re democratic and then says something a little racist

Bond splits the martial artists boat in half with his boat

J.W. recognises Bond

J.W. keeps calling the locals pointy-heads, now I don’t know if that’s racist, but I don’t like it

He uses the phrase ‘cotton-pickin’ which I’ve heard used innocently, but his Southern accent doesn’t conjure up the kindest of images

He calls an elephant ugly and then gets pushed into the water

I don’t know about him

Bond gets away and we’re back with Hai Fat

Scaramanga is here as well

Hai Fat gives Scarry the solar thingy

Hai Fat is getting all uppity with Scaramanga while he’s assembling his gun

Scaramanga was a junior partner, so now that he’s just shot Hai Fat, he’s the new chairman of the board

Scarry leaves by telling some folk to put Hai Fat in the mausoleum he loved so much

Bond finally has dinner with Goodnight

They joke about Q-Branch, so like work banter to them

I can’t tell if they’re joking though

The love between Bond and Goodnight is being heavily implied, like they’ve been kept apart for years

Ooo, Goodnight brushes him off

Nick-Nack is watching from Scarry’s junk

Bond goes to his room alone

Goodnight’s there

She was playing hard-to-get apparently

Poorly played

They gon’ feck

Someone’s breaking in

It’s Miss Anders

She tells Bond he’s in danger

Anders wants to leave Scaramanga but is scared too

That’s why she sent the bullet to MI6, not Scaramanga

Anders tells Bond that Scaramanga is a little obsessed with Bond, trying to look like him, model himself after Bond

With Goodnight hiding under the duvet, Anders tries to get jiggy with Bond

Bond puts Goodnight in a cupboard and then preps for sex with Miss Anders

Starts a whole comedy routine trying to get Miss Anders to not go in the cupboard

Bond and Miss Anders proceed to have sex with Goodnight in the cupboard, sensational

Anders returns to Scaramanga’s junk, ew

Goodnight threatens to resign cos Bond didn’t sleep with her

Bond then says that ‘her turn will come’ ew

Both of these people are very unprofessional

Bond slept with her to get the solar thingy, so that’s a bit understandable, I guess

Maybe not though

Boxing match

Obvs

Kickboxing, my apologies

Goodnight watches on as Bond meets Anders

Anders isn’t very chatty

She has been shot

Scaramanga sits right next to Bond

Nick-Nack has a gun on him so they can chat

Scarry tells Bond about an elephant that he liked, but when a circus man shot the elephant, he shot the circus man

He didn’t like animals after all, he liked killing folk. What a tale

Hip tells Goodnight to call the police, THEY ARE THE POLICE

Goodnight has the solar thing because Bond found it on the floor, gave it to Hip posing as a peanut seller, who gave it to Goodnight

Goodnight tries to follow Nick-Nack

Inadvisable

Is she meant to be a spy? She’s bad

Maybe not awful though, cos she puts a tracker on Scarry’s car

But she also gets pushed into the boot

CAR CHASE

no , not yet

No car keys

Bond steals a car from a showroom and he’s away

J.W. Pepper is in the car

Because he went on holiday to buy a car

J.W. tells Bond he knows him

Nick-Nack sees the trouble

J.W. wants to help Bond fight the commies

He says pointy-heads again

J.W. thinks Goodnight is HQ on the walkie-talkie and tells her to call his wife

The cops are involved

Some other driver isn’t watching to road and does a sick dive in his car

Rad music starts up again

It cuts out, but as they drive past a guy, his hat blows off

Scaramanga is now on the other side of a river, but it ain’t over

Bond spins it round and… Sees a half-bridge

Goes for an insane stunt bonus

With a run up of about ten metres, Bond jumps a river and is back on Franny Scarry’s tail

Scarry hides in a barn

Scarry’s car turns into a plane

Oop, the coppers are here

Scarry takes off as Bond and J.W. get arrested

Just looked it up, pointy heads is basically just calling someone stupid who thinks they’re smart, we’re okay

Bond sneaks under the radars to find Goodnight on Scarry’s island

But M pretends to not know about it

Scaramanga knows he’s coming and tells the authorities that it’s his guest and that he won’t be leaving

Franny shoots the top off some champers and it drenches Nick-Nack

Franny’s being all welcoming, showing him around and shit

There’s a guy called Kra

Liquid helium is present, kept at 453 below zero

Bond sees the solar thingy they’re all after

Scarry tells Bond to watch a mushroom-shaped rock that is clearly not shaped like a mushroom

There’s a few panels in it

Reflects the sun, makes a laser that’s very hot

He’s also got a gun that goes with it, weaponises solar power or somet and shoots it, blowing up Bond’s plane

Lunch time

Goodnight pops by

Apparently, mushrooms are for lunch

Ew

Scaramanga takes notes on Bond’s interest

Franny tries to get Bond to admit he likes killing

Scarry likes the sport of killing, killing Bond will be his masterpiece

Walther PPK vs. The Golden Gun, six bullets vs. one, but Franny only needs one, OOOO

They havin’ a duel

Goodnight is stood with Kra inside and Kra is being a creep

Franny and JB are taking twenty paces and then spinning and shooting

Bond turns and shoots but Scaramanga is gone

Kra gives Goodnight a stroke

Bond’s on the hunt

He runs into Nick-Nack who tells him that if Bond kills Scarry, Nick Nack’ll get the island, that’s why he’s impartial

Scaramanga sets himself up in the house of fun

Nick-Nack gets himself set up in his control room as Bond begins the chase just like the guy at the start

Bond only has three bullets left as he shoots at the cowboy

He runs into the standee of himself

Bond walks into a glass wall

He finds the edge and climbs underneath onto the scaffolding of the structure, but he drops his gun!

Scaramanga hears the clatter, but the echo puts him off where

Nick Nack can’t find Bond on’t cameras

The standee has all its fingers back!

It’s Bond!

HE TURNS AND SHOOTS

SCARAMANGA OUT

So is Kra as Goodnight wallops him into the liquid helium

Excellent from Bond

Bond still needs the Solar thingy

Goodnight says she laid Kra out cold HA

But the fact that he’s in the liquid helium means it’ll raise the temperature and blow everything up

Bond goes to get the solar thingy but he can’t get through the glass

Godnight’s butt pushes the lever that starts the hot laser where Bond is

It nearly takes his head off but he escapes with a few seared eyebrows

Goodnight pushes all the buttons and it goes off so she thinks she’s done it, but it’s just cos the sun’s behind a cloud, the bane of solar power

THE SUN’S COMING

Goodnight makes a run for it

Bond gets the solar thingy

EXPLOSIONS

LOUD NOISES

BREAKAGES

They both escape

Goodnight shows Bond to Scaramanga’s junk

They float away from the exploding island and are gonna finally get to bone

A Slow Boat from China

NICK NACK’S WATCHING FROM ABOVE

HE’S GOT A KNIFE

Drops on ’em but Goodnight screams and Bond rolls ’em away

Nick Nack is finding a load of hidden compartments on the boat so gets around Bond and then throws wine bottles at him

Bond wanders up to him with a suitcase and shuts him in, taking him to the deck

Goodnight is sad that Bond has thrown Nick Nack into the ocean

BONE TIME

Telephone call

It’s M, congratulating them

He asks to speak to Goodnight

But Bond wants to kiss her

As M waits

Bond tells M that she’s just coming

We can hear M saying ‘Goodnight’ over the phone, so Bond picks it back up and bids him good night

Nick Nack is tied up in the crow’s nest

FIN

Banger starts up again

The Golden Gun was made by a lighter company

FUN

FIN

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Keep it streets ahead,

CLR

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