Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — The Spy Who Loved Me — A Reactionary Transcript #19

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the nineteenth of these case studies; The Spy Who Loved Me.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

The Spy Who Loved Me spoilers ahead.

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ROAR

speedy intro music
and a lackadaisical spin from Rog to shoot us

jazzy outro to the intro music

sub
a very English sub

submarine canteen

bit of chess, then the coffee starts to shake
bit of an emergency
big loss of power
they’s ganna surface

we get an ‘oh my god’ then we cut away

IT IS LOST

MOSCOW
sub’s disappeared as we are informed by Gogol
He wants to send out Agent XXX

someone who isn’t James Bond is in bed with a lass
WAIT THE GIRL IS AGENT XXX
what a twist

M’s getting his best on it as well
Wants 007, but he’s in Austria, so he tells him to pull out

GET IT, cos HE’S AVIN SEX

Gets a watch message while he’s necking
Changes into his yellow ski gear and off he goes

the girl he was with informs the enemy, now we got a load of evil Austrians going after him
ski trip time

chasing him down the mountain side

It’s four on one like

some classy music with this like

He turns a ski pole into a death machine and takes out an Austrian before doing a flip and heading right for the cliff side
He leaps
and flips once more
then releases his parachute
Union Flag of course
Good work from Rick Sylvester

OPENING CREDS

Gogol summons Agent XXX
She’s gotta go to Cairo
A friend of hers has died I think
More than a friend
Oh, he was the one killed by Bond on the mountain
oh no
they’re not gonna get on

Bond comes down in a chopper onto a boat and meets Q
they look at some big ol’ plans with some old guys

they’re saying a lot of secret stuff, but ultimately it means that the Russians can track the British Navy’s subs
there were lots of missiles on the missing sub — Polaris missiles

Now we’re in a dining room
some old guy is congratulating two smart eggs for doing good work on tracking subs — pays ’em 10 mill each
hold up, he ain’t happy though — someone’s been trying to sell these plans
The obviously evil man dismisses his dinner guest, but actually sends her down a tube into a shark tank, where she gets eaten
They get to watch though
the two smart lads get into the shark tube lift very shakily, but they good
Bad lad presses a button and we see a big spider-house rise out of the water — he was underwater, eh

A short stocky bald guy comes in and joins bad lad, as well as Jaws, we all know Jaws
he’s sending these lads to find any secrets that have been leaked

Two eggheads take off in their chopper
Bad lad watches them go
blows them up
keeps his money

Off to Cairo then
cos Bond’s on a camel

He arrives at a nice yurt
has a back and forth with some guy who is also English
he’s telling him to meet a load of guys
but he’s gotta sleep first
so he makes a joke about penetrating people

Next day then, bit of Cairo city centre
Bond goes for a suspenseful walk if the music’s anything to go by
He’s being watched though
Just wanders into someone’s flat
meets a lady
her job is to entertain while he waits for Mr. Fekich/Fekish/???

Bond don’t trust her
so makes out with her
the guy watching him points a gun through a slat
Bond spins her so she takes the bullet
Bond gives chase
it’s the short stocky bald guy from before — I think his name’s Sandor

They lay in a few good shots on each other — bear hugs and chokes
Judo throws and right hooks
Then Sandor’s hanging off the edge of a building by Bond’s tie
Bond pumps him for information then lets him drop
Quick end to a henchman there
emphasis on hench
Anyway, Fekish (or whatever) is at the pyramids
So off Bond pops
But he waits til dark, obvs
or he just walked all the way

There’s a pyramid exhibition, so there’s a git audience

Bond’s spied Fekish sat with a lass we recognise as Agent XXX
Jaws is aboot
There is some ham radio music and a love it
Fekish don’t like seeing Jaws so excuses his’sel
Bond pursues

Jaws pops up elsewhere in these re-emerging lights
He sees Fekish trying to run
Pursues
Bond after Jaws after Fekish
Fekish breaks into the feckin pyramids to get away
locks himself in
Jaws, as is his way, chews through the lock
Fekish is cornered
Jaws breaks his back then chews him to death
Bond is suspicious and points a gun at Jaws
the fancy light show fades though and Jaws makes his escape
Good horror character
Bond has a check on Fekish, but aye, deed
So Bond robs him
Sees his next contact is Max Kalba

Agent XXX meets Bond outside the tomb
Bond tells her that Fekish was dead when he found him, which is true, but he makes it look like he’s lying
Bond fights off her KGB goons
Proper scoop slam there
So rigid and not right some of these fights

At some fancy club now
There’s some crap dancing gaan on
Agent XXX is about as well
Agent XXX’s name is Anya Amasova
They get a drink together
They guess each other’s drinks correctly
Then rattle off each other’s history
Bond don’t like that
He doesn’t even wait for his drink before heading off to work — that was a weird meeting

Off Bond goes to meet Kalba
more shite dancing while these two chat
Jaws is sneakin
Anya joins the convo
This music is hilarious
Really dramatic device that they want, but Max has a phonecall first
But Jaws is posing as the repairman and murders him with hilariously terrifying grace

Bond find’s Kalba’s body and tries to rob him
Then as he goes to follow Jaws’ trail, he slaps an ‘Out of Order’ sign on Kalba’s dead body
the fuck, James?

Bond goes after repairman Jaws
He hops in the back of his repair van and Amasova is right with him

They’re in the back of the van talking at full volume but Jaws has an audio link set up anyways, so he can hear them either way
Jaws drives out into th desert
Amasova, the KGB agent, falls asleep

Jaws drives into some ruins
like he knows there’s going to be a rad encounter

Amasova and Bond hop out to pursue
They’re playing one-up
Jaws disappears
HE’S 9 FOOT TALL — how did you lose him?

Amasova and Bond do that thing where they’re searching in silence then back into each other, spooking themselves — Bond had a gun, Amasova was gonna defend herself with a karate chop
Jaws got all the way to the top of the ruins

Amasova spots a shadow and saves Bond from getting crushed by a rock
Jaws flies down and disarms Bond, sparking a fight where Bond hurts his hand by punching Jaws in the mush
Amasova calmly pulls a gun
Jaws hands over the goods
Amasova takes her eyes off the prize and Jaws kicks her
but Bond brings the ruins down on top of him
he ain’t dead though

Amasova tries to make a quick getaway but Bond took the keys of the van
Jaws is back up like
and he’s on the hood of the car
he rips part of the roof of and tries to kick the door in
Bond is being an anus and won’t give Amasoca the keys, then mocks her when he does — he’s so insecure
He makes literal cracks about women drivers before Amasova runs over Jaws
Jaws picks up the van and rips the door off as Amasova speeds away
Like, I know they don’t like each other but their jibes at each other are shite

They get a bit away bit the van breaks down
Lawrence of Arabia music plays as they set off walking — tux and evening gown away
They find a wee boat to Cairo — at night
Madness would be proud

Bond checks out the device
it’s a load of techie stuff
Amasova doesn’t see though cos she’s asleep again

Bond tries to make cracks about sex but she ain’t havin it
Then she makes out with him
That wasn’t earned
She stops his wandrin hands though
SHE WAS USING HIM
that actually had me — used the trope of women just gaan for him and twisted it on me
she pulls out a ciggy and it’s got poison gas in it, blowing it at him and knocking him oot
not how you wanted to be blown, eh Jimmy?

So he’s lost Amasova
so walks to some more ruins
some great shots at all these ruins
He just walks into some of ’em and down into a tomb or what have you
There’s a base
Moneypenny’s there
So is Gogol
We get a real ominous look at him
There’s Amasova
And M
The whole gang

So KGB and MI6 are teaming up

We head down to Q-Branch

He’s working on a drinks tray that decapitates pople
and a spring loaded chair
and a shisha with a gun in it
and an oil gun
a sword chair
and an overhead projector

On the documents they’ve found, they’ve seen a little logo
it’s for the Stromberg Shipping Line
Karl Stromberg is one of the richest men in the world
So Bond and Amasova have to go after this geezer
So they’re on a train out

They have a chat about how they can’t chat
cos they’re all confidential eh

They ga to bed
but Bond was all set up for sex
ooo, Amasova might be up for it yet
nah mebbie not

JAWS IS IN THE CUPBOARD
Anya fights him off a bit
but Bond comes in for a two-on-one
he gets choked out on the ceiling
Jaws bites through a table
Bond’s gonna die but fends off the teeth
Then smashes a lamp and electrocutes Jaws before kicking him off the train
He’s fine, but annoyed
James and Amasova check on one another
Then kiss their way out of trauma
Use the knock-out ciggy again Anya

Bond’s got a scratch so Amasova ‘checks him out’
lil kiss
lil smooch
and they’re at it

NEXT DAY
Horse and cart ride through somewhere
Then their car arrives
Q has brought them a Lotus Esprit
But Bond speeds off before Q can explain it
Bastard

Head to some health spa or somet
They get checked in

Then they go and meet Stromberg
Naomi greets them so James gets his flirt on
They hop on a speedboat to go to Stromberg’s base
Bond tries to make Amasova jealous by staring at Naomi, but he’s just making everyone uncomfortable
We go to the big spider base

So aye, Stromberg’s the bad lad from before who fed a lady to a shark and blew up a helicopter
He watches ’em come in

Bond goes up to see Stromberg while Naomi shows Amasova around
Stromberg doesn’t like shaking hands
Stromberg has webbed fingers
Bond spies a bit of a body in Stromberg’s tank
Stromberg makes a big deal of his Lion Fish

So he’s a fish nut who doesn’t like the outside world so spends all of his time at sea, but inside
He wants to build an underwater city though
Apparently that’s all the info Bond needs so he leaves

Bond, Amasova, and Naomi check out a model of a tanker
Okay

Stromberg knows who they are and sends Jaws after them, but he specifies that he should wait til they get to land
Dunno why
could’ve just shark tanked him

So Amasova and Bond get to land and drive off
but there be a biker in pursuit

the chase is on
but the cannae over take a mattress wagon
Jaws (the biker) launches his sidecar at them, but misses and blows up the mattresses
maybe it wasn’t Jaws, cos the feathers get in the bikers face and he goes off a cliff
‘All those feathers and he still can’t fly’

Here’s Jawsy
shooting at ’em from a car
but they get oil slicked on their windscreen
so some poor guy gets a car through his roof
Jaws comes out through his front door
Bike down, car down
Helicopter now

Shooting at ‘em
It’s Naomi from before
The bastard

Bond does some doughnuts to try and throw her off
then drives off a pier and into the sea
Because…
The Lotus Esprit is AN UNDERWATER CAR
it sprouts fins and swims away
as Naomi thinks her job is done, Bond sets his targets on her and blows her out of the sky

Pretty neat

we get a fancy fish tour
then we head back to spider-lab
to spy on some plans
now they’re being pursued by harpooners — coupla narrow misses
Then Bond murders them
In self defence
But there’s some more for him to murder
He kicks up some sand as Anya drops a mine, that’ll do it
They’ve sprung a leak, mind
So the Lotus drives up on a beach much to the shock of the beach-goers

Bond and Anya get back to the hotel/health spa/whatever
so this weird tanker they saw as a model apparently doesn’t dock anywhere
uh oh
they’re having a chat and Bond reveals he was in Austria when Amasova’s lovey got killed
Bond gives a pretty good speech about their jobs
Then admits that he did
Amasova states that when the mission is over, she will kill Bond
that was pretty tense actually

Bond and Anya land on a sub
the sub commander can’t handle that Anya’s a woman
then Anya showers in the commander’s quarters and gives everyone an eyeful
the feck was that for?

the sub heads for the mysterious tanker but gets hacked or somet so it surfaces
they’ve lost the tanker
then it’s right behind ‘em!
and it’s gonna eat ‘em!
NOM
in it goes
enveloped

Stromberg is in the tanker and beckons the submarine staff to emerge amidst death threats
there’s a load of Stromberg goons waiting for ‘em
Amasova comes out posing as a fella

Stromberg’s keeping a close eye on those coming off the sub
Bond and Amasova try to start a scuffle, but they are outnumbered 2 to 100,009
So they get taken to Stromberg

Stromberg reveals his plan
He’s gonna blow up Berlin and Moscow
but he ain’t in it for a ransom — he just wants to create a new world cos he hates the current one
so he sends out some of his subs with MI6 and KGB nukes attached

Bond gets taken away while Anya goes with Stromberg
an obviously toy boat gets launched out and Stromberg, Anya and crew are off
Bond escapes his captors by kicking various objects and people down stairs

Then he hijacks a car of sorts, freeing the kidnapped crews
Now we got a shoot out
all the goodies versus all the baddies
the baddies seal the operations room
but the goodies get to the armoury
one guy proper leaps on another
getting some tremendous dying
love a big ol’ shoot out
GRENADE
kablammo
folk getting hossed all over the gaff
a jeep gets blown up
the subs are gaan up
man on fire
Bond saves himself from a grenade
just a lot of splosions now, not sure what’s going on

the goodies have the dock area
but now they need to advance
they try and grenade the control room doors but no dice
so they aim a nuke at it
there’s gotta be a middle ground here

Over in Atlantis (spider-hutch), Stromberg pervs on Amasova

Bond and the lads are pulling apart a nuke cos Bond wants a detonator
so he’s unscrewing things very very carefully
he’s gotta pull the shit out without touching the sides
Like operation
and he’s obvs played before cos he pulls it off

So Bond makes his own bomb now

those in the control room don’t know what he’s doing
BUT NOW THEY DO
they can fire through the slats
gots to stay out of sight
Bond rides a ceiling conveyor camera so they can’t see him through it
then when he gets close enough…
He turns the cameras off and sets the bomb
20 seconds ain’t long to slowly drift away Jimmy
5 SECONDS
AHHHHHH
BOOM
He lives
and they’re in
We’re bangin and boomin again
but the evil captain says they’re too late
3 minutes til the nukes launch

they send each nuke submarine to coordinates of the other to launch at

ONE MINUTE

LAUNCH

we watch
we wait
we see…

BOOM and BOOM
two subs get blown to shit
mission accomplished

BANG

now they’re getting blown up
gots to escape
getting back on the sub to get away
quickly quickly now

this is a weird film really
it’s more like an episode of something
well i guess it is

they load the torpedoes to get the boat doors open

the slowest yet most impactful torpedo i ever did see
really had a lot in the explosion budget for this yan

now they’re making tension out of the sub sneaking out of the tiny torpedo hole they made
spoilers: they make it

they get instruction to blow up Atlantis
but Anya’s over there
so Bond defies instruction
makes himself a jet ski and dashes over

Stromberg’s having dinner and invites Bond up
but he gets in the shark tube lift
but Bond just spreads his legs and avoids the trap door
Bond sits with a gun pointed at Stromberg
but Karl’s got a gun on the underside of the table
Bond moves
then fires his own bullet back up the pipe
which would have killed Stromberg but Bond shoots him like five more times
pretty mean

Bond goes for Anya and a way out
but Jaws is back baby

James shoots him in the teeth
That’s the one place, James

Jaws is so sneaky and nimble in this film
he sneaks round the back of James somehow
they were in a corridor

they have a clangy fight above a shark pit
Bond uses a magnet that was there for whatever reason to clamp Jaw’s jaw to it
then he dangles it over the shark tank and turns it off

Jaws vs. Jaws coming up
Jaws wins y’know
Jaws the man

Bond releases Amasova just as the sub gets ordered to destroy Atlantis
so they fire
was there no way to communicate with one another?
a second one starts to sink the spot
Bond and Amasova climb into a wee escape pod
that’s got a sofa and whiskey in it
and off they pop
safe and sound

grab themselves a bottle of champers

Amasova aims at James
the cork pops
Bond has a final request
it’s sex

Jaws pops to the surface and swims away

MI6 and the KGB find Bond and Amasova’s pod and bring it on board their ship
they see them through the window doing it
When they ask what they think he’s doing, he responds by saying ‘keeping the British end up, sir’

then we get a weird all-male chorus line outro of Nobody Does It Better that transitions into the actual one

underwater scenes filmed in the Bahamas; I feel like they head out there like once a film

anyways that’s it

FIN

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Keep it streets ahead,

C.L.R.

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