Sex and Guns and Judi Dench — Tomorrow Never Dies — A Reactionary Transcript #21

In the hunt for the finest of the Bond pictures, I must take notes during my viewing. Here are my notes for the twenty-first of these case studies; Tomorrow Never Dies.

The results will be posted heeeeeeere.

Tomorrow Never Dies spoilers ahead.

— — — — — — —

ROAR

Brosnan always looks like he really wants to kill someone on the barrel sequences

Terrorist base on the Russian border apparently
Lookin at some weaponry
there’s a spy camera about — Charles Robinson is watching it with M and the rest of the MI6 gang

They’ve indentified Mr. Isagura
And Henry Gupta — a computer terrorist
he’s got an encoder
M gets the mission taken off her by the military
the military are gonna bomb the whole place
but I think Bond’s still about

they’ve launched though

THERE’S NUKES ON THERE
the whole place is gonna go up and take half of Russia with it

the missile can’t be aborted noo either
Bond lights a bloke’s cigarette then knocks him out — ‘filthy habit’
then he blows loads of shit up
and nicks a guy’s gun

Bond’s gotta get the nukes outta the way
Gupta escapes with the encoder
Bond’s in the plane with the nukes but he’s gotta take off with ’em yet
and there’s a lot of blokes shootin at him
ONE MINUTE TO IMPACT
kabooms everywhere
and everywhere again

a plane blocks the runway
30 SECONDS TO IMPACT
Bond goes for it anyways

MISSILE HITS
Bond pulls up

screens go dead

HE’S OUT
like a bird

but there’s a bloke in the back seat!
and a plane on his tail!
bloody hell he’s gettin strangled

he avoids getting shot by the other plane by driving with his knees, then comes up underneath that plane
he then ejects the guy who’s strangling him directly into the other plane which causes the other plane to blow up

skills

Bond then quips ‘back-seat driver’
he lets MI6 know he’s alright and then takes a shot at the military

OPENING CREDITS

Aboard the HMS Devonshire in the South China Sea now
ooo, they’re sounding an alarm cos two big jets have flown over them
the Chinese jets think that the ship is close to their coast while the ship thinks they’re in’t middle of the ocean
hmmm — only one way to find out, FIGHT

Over in Hamburg at the Carver Media Group HQ
ooo, someone’s fiddling with the ship’s co-ordinates
and it’s that Gupta fella with the encoder from the start

now there’s a stealth ship
they’re the bad guys
they’re gonna launch a sea drill as the Chinese jets fly over
the ship’ll think the chinese have done it

the main man on the stealth ship reports back to Hamburg where a bespectacled fella watches on
then the main man on the stealth ship launches this mean lookin’ sea drill

the drill goes through the wall of the ship
then drills through the whole fucking thing
he’s gaan upstairs
into the canteen
the ship’s gaan doon
the lights are gaan off
ABANDON SHIP

then the stealth ship hits one of the chinese jets with a missile

the ship sent off their co-ordinates to be rescued, but they’ve been tampered with so they won’t be found
the main man on the stealth ship who is definitely German and is called Stamper gets told that there are survivors in the water
His bespectacled boss knocks up a headline about it all

Stamper shoots ’em all while it gets photographed
some divers go down to the sunken ship

Stamper tells Gupta that Phase One is complete

So now we’ve got this bespectacled guy; Elliot Carver
he’s in charge of the news thing and he’s asking all his contacts for stories on a big screen
he’s a very realistic media boss
using blackmail and whatnot, releasing stuff with bugs so people are forced to upgrade etc.
so he’s launching a sattelite news network
and he’s made a story that he wants the world to see
‘there’s no news like bad news’

Elsewhere, Bond is having sex with somebody
he gets a call
some thinly veiled sex talk between Bond and Moneypenny on the phone
while he’s tonguing some Danish woman

M slaps down the miltary fella cos he’s getting too mad about the missing ship
then they get the news about the papers getting hold of it
the miltary give MI6 48 hours to investigate before they send an attack force in

Bond reckons it’s suspicious the papers got out with it so fast
It was Carver’s newspaper ‘Tomorrow’
Bond’s gonna go to a party at Carver’s spot to get information
he used to go out with Carver’s wife
M tells Bond to pump her for information
which he will, no doubt

In Hamburg
IT’S Q
he fills out Bond’s car insurance form
they have some swell back and forth
Q gives him a phone that electrocutes people and controls his car remotely
and it operates as an actual phone
Q struggles to drive it, Bond’s obvs a natural

AT THE PARTY
some swanky sax music
Bond is introduced as a banker but uses his real name
But Carver is more interested in this lass from the New China News Agency, Wai Lin

Meanwhile, Bond spies Paris Carver, a former lover and Elliot Carver’s missus
Bond gets a slap off her
Gupta’s watchin ’em on CCTV
Carver’s spyin’ em n’all
Paris and Bond run into Elliot and Wai Lin, with Elliot tellin Paris that he wants to give Wai Lin a job
Paris takes a dig at him wanting to bang Wai Lin

Bond takes the opportunity to question Elliot about his satellites
and he keeps hinting at the sunken ship
you’re a banker, James

Elliot goes off to question his wife
he tells Stamper to deal with Bond

Bond and Wai Lin have a chat
a very short one
as Bond is summoned away for an ‘urgent phone call’
he predictably gets beaten up in a soundproof room as Carver gives a speech back in the main spot
Bond gets the upper hand though and thrashes the assailants with a piano and a cello
Stamper’s on his way, but Bond steps out and cuts the feed
on opening night as well

Later, he’s havin a vodka or nine in his hotel room
and assembling his gun
a classic Friday night in

Elliot’s watching a load of other news networks take the piss out of him getting cut off
Then he asks Paris why Bond was so determined to feck things up

Paris goes to Bond’s room
warns Bond about Elliot
Bond tells her to feck off

Paris was a lass desperate for love and Bond didna like that
that’s why she married Elliot
then they have sex

Gupta’s been tracking Bond and the bank he says he works at
he says his record’s too perfect
so he must be a government agent
Gupta recorded Bond and Paris talking and plays it to Carver, blowing their cover
Carver tells Gupta to book his wife for an appointment with ‘the doctor’
she’s gonna go time travellin

THE NEXT MORN
Paris whaps her tights on and heads off
but not before telling Bond all about Carver’s secret top floor lab
she knows she’s gonna die
a lot of synth music in this picture

A PRINTING PRESS!
those papers are gaan through so fast
Bond’s on the roof
he hacks his way in
lot more tech in this one n’all

he breaks into Gupta’s office
and finds a safe behind a picture of a sattelite, classic
hacks into that n’all
some drugs, some porn mags, and the encoder
Bond takes that with him
then he hears a door getting opened
it’s Wai Lin breaking in
that sets an alarm off
everyone’s pretty aware he’s about now

shout out in the printing press
Wai Lin escapes by walking down the side of the building
via grappling hook
she waves Bond off

Bond gets tackled
on a moving walkway
then dangled off the edge
that is a committed security guard
a feckin red jacket butlins worker comes at him n’all
but he gets knocked into the press and the paper comes out all bloodied
horrendous
but Bond lightly quips ‘they’ll print anything these days’

Bond potters off, suave as ever
before being shot at again
so he feckin louges outta there and runs away cos he cannae be smooth anymore
legs it to his motor and he’s off
he gets a call off Elliot Carver
he wants his red box back, and he knows about his wife
Bond keeps the red box safe in his car and goes to his hotel room
Stamper spies on him as he goes ordering his goons to check Bond’s car

In the room, Bond finds a news bulletin playing announcing the death of Paris
Bond finds her body on the bed
As he mourns, the bulletin goes on to announce how Paris was found with another body of an unidentified man
as Bond hears this, the door behind him opens and he hears a threat come

The goons have trouble breaking into Bond’s car
sledgehammers don’t do owt
guns don’t do owt

Bond’s assailant’s name is Dr. Kaufman and he’s a good shot
he’s a specialist at making things look like an accident
apparently his specialty is the celebrity overdose

Stamper interrupts his spiel however and wants him to make Bond tell him how to get into his car
quite embarrassing apparently
Bond hands him the gadget phone and tells him what to do but the phone electrocutes him and Bond takes advantage, grabbing his gun and shooting Kaufman
he was fun

Bond heads back to his car
then sets it off remotely
it emits tear gas as it goes
Bond dives in the back seat
and he’s off
he’s launching missiles, poppin tires, no-one’s catching him
he cannae blow up the emergency door that’s been shut on him though
so he turns round, pops and re-inflates his own tires and then comes face to face with a bazooka
but bazooka man misses and hits his mates
the baddies set up a razor wire now, but the hood ornament pops up in cuts it in two
Bond then hops out while the baddies keep chasing it
he’s up to the top floor of a multi-story now
and he just whaps it off a rood and into a car rental spot
the baddies are left dangling on the ledge
now Bond can swan off

US AIRBASE
in the South China sea apparently
this is chugging along
no breaks like
and no brakes

Bond rocks up in full commander gear to meet Jack Wade
Bond apparently doesn’t wanna see him
but they work out that the encoder has been tampering with some co-ordinates
he goes jumping out of a plane to find the wreckage but it’s a tricky jump that might kill him and it’s in Vietnamese territory so he’s not gonna be liked cos he’s covered in American shit
he jumps anyways

just falling for ages
he gets under the clouds and pulls his chute at the last minute
made it look easy
he comes across the wreckage as he dives down
it’s caught on a big rock that’s crumbling away
he sees all the dead folk
then a harpoon sneaks up on him
It’s Wai Lin again!
They’re quickly cool with each other but now the boat is tipping and they’ve been trapped
the only way out is through the torpedo shoot
but the only way they’ll fit in there is if they lose their tanks
so obviously they do that and swim to safety as the ship falls away

Wai Lin’s boat has been taken over by Stamper and his goons
They take Bond and Lin to Carver where our two heroes bond over being handcuffed together
Reminds me of my first marriage *slaps thigh*

Wai Lin spies a General Chang in Carver’s building in Vietnam
Carver is penning Bond and Lin’s obituaries
Carver tells ’em that their time is passing and that words are the new weapon — and he’s got ’em all, mate
But Carver’s gotta run to a meeting so Stamper’s gonna torture them — Chakra torture
Bond and Wai Lin start to fight their way out while handcuffed together
rad
Stamper runs off to protect Carver
Bond and Lin are out the window
They rapell down the banner of Carver’s face on the front of the building — luckily there’s plenty of windows for them to smash through

Outside, they hop on a bike, disagreeing over who should drive, so they take a handle each
they begin weaving through the narrow Saigon alleys and onto the streets
Wai Lin is now straddling Bond so she can see behind them
she blows up some of their pursuers with fireworks
they bolt through some factories and over the rooftops now being shot at from a chopper
they lose it by stopping inside a building, and as the chopper lowers to see them, Bond hops right over it and crashes through a roof over the road where two folk were getting busy
they’re headin over balconies now but pop down to the road and into a big ol’ crowd that are sent scarpering by the dangerous chopper, that is livin up to its name now
they outrun it for a bit, but now they’re at a dead end and it has a clear shot at them
so they take a washing line…
slide under the chopper…
clog the propellor…
and send it crashing down.
Textbook.
Then they shower.
in the street.
Wai Lin showers with him in a white t-shirt, gets him onside, he washes her hair
and when she picks the lock of the handcuffs with her earring, she cuffs Bond to some pipes and legs it
Bond just rips the pipe off and tends to his blue balls

Bond goes looking for Wai Lin, but cannae find her
he sees a bad guy car though
so he follows that
and they’ve found Wai Lin cos a spy was following her
Lin’s got this though
even the numbers game ain’t gettin to her
rad
Bond is there just in time to take out the last one

So this General Chang is in on it all and wants Wai Lin dead
he helped build the stealth boat that Carver uses
Carver’s gonna wait til night when the British military arrive to inspect what’s gaan on and then fire a missile from there into China sparking World War 3

Wai Lin’s got a whole lab in her room
holy conversion, Batman
Bond tries to take charge but everything’s in Chinese innit
He’s stumbling about like he’s in a Chinese Q-Branch, feckin with all the gadgets
like a bull in a china shop, get it
rad

Wai Lin looks a bit sad
but then she and Bond bond over a new gun?
i dunno what happened there
they find the stealth boat though

they attach mines to the stealth boat set for ten minutes
it’s taking off to cover the action
Carver launches the missiles
HMS Bedford sees it coming

Carver sees Bond and Lin on the cameras
Stamper pops out to grab Wai Lin
Bond fights off his nameless goon
and stabs another, making his way in, avoiding the gun of Stamper
Bond held out the body of the nameless goon he stabbed, Stamper shot it and it falls in the water — Stamper thinks he shot Bond and calls it in
Stamper and his men do clear the mines though

Bond stealthily takes some dudes out
Carver talks down to Wai Lin, tells her that Bond is deed and that he’s on his way to the bottom of the sea — his new anchorman
Wai Lin nearly gets at Carver but is held back — so Carver takes the mick with some martial arts of his own

Bond gets the message home that Carver’s on a stealth boat, M spreads the word and the military get on it

Carver cleverly explains his plan to Wai Lin as Bond listens in
He sets another bomb as well
a grenade amongst gas cannisters

Bond takes Gupta hostage and gets on the phone to Carver
Bond puts a gun to Gupta’s head and has audience with everyone on the ship
Wai Lin for Gupta is the trade
Carver sends a few blokes along the rafters but Bond sees to them
Carver makes some good points about how dangerous the media can be and how he’s taken it one step further
Gupta tells Carver that the missile is all set up, so Carver shoots him, Bond is left with no bargaining chip
so Bond sets off his grenade
he and Wai Lin jog off

The grenade knackers their stealth so they pop up on all the radars
Wai Lin and Bond take out some more goons and head off to stop the ship and the missile
The British start firing at Carver’s ship
so they set the missile up
Carver starts runing away from the British

Lin shoots up a load of baddies while jumpin about and knackers some controls, which brings the ship to a stop
Bond gets a feckin missile launcher and shoots the place up, with Stamper just getting out of the way

Stamper bombs Bond down some stairs and the two trade a load of bullets

Wai Lin is down to her last chamber so shoots the gas tanks next to her numerous assailants to blind ’em and make her escape

The British finally hit the target, blowin a hole in the side of Carver’s boat
Carver’s captain calls for everyone to abandon ship
Bond’s under a bit of wreckage and Stamper is relentless until Carver sends him after Wai Lin in the engine room

Bond clambers out as Wai Lin runs into Stamper

Bond swings to the missile control room and shoots the fellas there, but Carver knocks him down and points a gun at him
But Bond sees he’s in the path of that big ol’ sea drill
Bond turns it on as Carver tells Bond his plan, then overpowers Carver and holds him in front of it, letting it eat him
grim
rad

Bond tries to get into the missile to stop it, but Stamper’s holding Wai Lin hostage
Bond presses on and Stamper drops Wai Lin in the water before jumping to Bond and beating the shit out of him for Carver and Kaufman
Wai Lin continues to drown
Bond stabs Stamper a few times, but the German shakes it off
Bond manages to create a bit of distance and traps Stamper’s leg under the missile
but he holds Bond in the blast area as well
Bond cuts himself out of his jacket, drops into the water
the missile is about to go off, Bond goes to Lin’s rescue
the missile goes, burns Stamper’s leg to shit and then blows up, along with the ship

Bond and Lin swim to safety

M issues a false press release about Carver’s death

the British call out for Bond and Lin, but they irresponsibly stay hidden to have sex on a bit of wreckage

and that’s it

it wasn’t even a good last line

‘let’s stay undercover’
boo

but okay
story was over, I guess

there were a load of famous folk playing extras in this on the English ships mostly
you had Julian Rhind-Tutt, Gerard Butler, Hugh Bonneville, Jason Watkins
unless they were just folk who had the names before them

that was a lot of action though
dig it

FIN

— — — — — — —

Keep it streets ahead,

C.L.R.

Freshly squeezed football content. Mostly.