In the top ten tiers/steps/rungs/whatevers of English football, there are 1026 teams. At least, that’s what I could count on Wikipedia.
And they should all be entered into the FA Cup.
From the start.
None of these top flight managers belly-aching over the fact that they have to play a few mid-week games when they’ve got the bigger budget and the teams in the divisions below them play far more games already, nah.
Everyone is all in.
Pub side hosting Champions League competitors.
That’s the stuff you want.
92 football league sides. 934 non-league sides.
All randomly drawn.
All random results (with adjusted odds).
Because why should the teams with the best chance of winning only play six games to win the cup, when some have to go through that many just to get in the competition proper. Then another eight to win the thing?
Probably somet to do with money.
WELL I AIN’T GOT NONE AND THIS IS MY FA CUP
RULES
- With 1026 teams, four randomly drawn teams will compete in the First Round to chop our selection to a nice round 1024. From there, we are all set to have everyone entered, competing in a single elimination tournament.
- From the Second Round, we will go from 1024 to 512, 512 to 256, 256 to 128, 128 to 64, 64 to 32, 32 to 16, 16 to 8, 8 to 4, 4 to 2, and 2 to 1.
- Every club has received a seed number based on their current ranking, e.g. Spurs are #1, Liverpool #2 etc. For clubs in the same rung, they’re just in whatever order I found ’em on Wikipedia.
- From the Third Round on, seeding will be determined by the order they were drawn in the previous round. For example, if they were drawn in the first match of the Second Round and won, then they would be #1 seed for the Third Round.
- To get a result, we’ll have a random number generator from 1 to 100, and in an even game, each side would have 50 numbers that would see them win. If a Premier League side were playing a team from the North West Counties League Premier Division, the numbers would be skewed in the top flight side’s favour.
- It’s really annoying that there were two more teams than I needed. If there were 1024, we could get straight into it. But no, that’d be too easy. Not a rule, just a harsh fact.
- If I’ve made any mistakes, such as duplicate teams being entered you can feck off and put up with it; I did my best to snuff ’em out and it took me ages, so if they’ve snuck in, they deserve to be in.
Right. Let’s get to it.
FIRST ROUND
The four teams drawn in what are essentially qualifiers are the following, set up in their ties.
-
Hinckley vs. Hebburn Town
Metropolitan Police vs. Sherborne Town
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Simulating these results, the results were as follows.
-
Hinckley 1–3 Hebburn Town
Metropolitan Police 1–0 Sherborne Town
-
So Hebburn and The Coppers advance to the Second Round, and we’re ready for an all-out feck-up.
SECOND ROUND
Are you ready for 512 match-ups? Yeah, me too.
Just Ctrl+F if you just want your team, ya bastard.
Langley 0—3 Tower Hamlets
Warrington Town 0—4 Morecambe
Winslow United 0—4 Warrington Rylands
Birtley Town 3—1 New Mills
Ashton & Backwell United 1—4 Fareham Town
Clevedon Town 0—1 Athletic Newham
Holbeach United 1—2 Hucknall Town
Saltash United 7—0 Newport (IOW)
Came all the way from the Isle of Wight for that.
Bedfont & Feltham 2—2 Portishead Town (P.S.O. — 1–4)
Bradford (Park Avenue) 3—1 Wellington
Hythe & Dibden 0—0 Wantage Town (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Newcastle Benfield 1—6 Norwich CBS
Broadfields United 0—5 Watford
Wells City 0—0 Shildon (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Newton Abbott Spurs 5—1 Alresford Town
Daisy Hill 2—1 Staines Town
Cockfosters 2—0 Penzance
Thame Rangers 1—4 King’s Lynn Town
Coventry Sphinx 0—3 Colchester United
Marine 2—2 Radcliffe (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Godalming Town 0—1 Harborough Town
Great Wakering Rovers 6—1 Mossley
Tooting & Mitcham United 0—0 Launceston (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Saltdean United 0—5 FC Isle of Man
Chatham Town 0—3 Kings Langley
Walsall Wood 1—4 Garstang
Hemsworth Miners Welfare 2—2 Sutton Common Rovers (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Tottenham Hotspur 7—0 Easington Sports
Great Yarmouth Town 1—3 Farnham Town
Haverhill Borough 1—4 Thame United
Margate 1—2 Rochester United
Hallen 3—0 Kidsgrove Athletic
Three Bridges 6—1 Belper United
Bristol City 7—1 Newbury Forest
Stoke Gabriel 0—3 Metropolitan Police
AFC Dunstable 1—0 Cray Wanderers
Wellingborough Town 0—0 Brentwood Town (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Hampton & Richmond Borough 1—3 Epsom & Ewell
Sheerwater 5—1 K Sports
Desborough Town 0—2 Durham City
Sporting Club Thamesmead 0—1 Hartlepool United
Bridon Ropes 0—3 Swindon Supermarine
Eynesbury Rovers 1—3 Baldock Town
Plymouth Marjon 1—3 Beckenham Town
Northallerton Town 2—4 Irlam
New Salamis 1—3 Nuneaton Borough
Weston-super-Mare 2—0 Bamber Bridge
Godmanchester Rovers 4—1 Biggleswade Town
Lebeq United 0—2 Rossington Main
Haywards Heath Town 2—2 Sherwood Colliery (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Dronfield Town 1—2 Hashtag United
Park View 2—0 Billericay Town
Alvechurch 0—6 Chipping Sodbury Town
Trafford 0—6 Marske United
Canvey Island 3—3 Mickleover (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Teversal 0—5 Derby County
St. Neots Town 6—1 Shirebrook Town
Shepshed Dynamo 3—1 West Essex
Ardley United 0—4 Hoddesdon Town
Scunthorpe United 2—1 Waltham Abbey
Barnoldswick Town 2—3 Spelthorne Sports
Rothwell Corinthians 6—0 North Leigh
Wealdstone 3—1 Aveley
Steyning Town Community 2—1 Curzon Ashton
Wroxham 0—7 Bishop Sutton
Hackney Wick 0—1 Welwyn Garden City
North Shields 1—5 Stockton Town
Brixham 1—3 Stone Old Alleynians
Hollands & Blair 0—6 Blackpool
1874 Northwich 1—0 Welling Town
North Ferriby 5—0 Flackwell Heath
Whitley Bay 1—2 Cadbury Athletic
Selby Town 4—0 Skegness Town
Wembley 3—1 Barnton
Mulbarton Wanderers 0—2 East Hull
Swansea City 7—0 Cammell Laird
Little Common 0—1 Garforth Town
Newmarket Town 0—3 Raunds Town
Yaxley 0—4 Heath Hayes
Boldmere St. Michaels 1—4 Winterton Rangers
Buxton 2—6 Scarborough Athletic
Fisher 1—2 Newport Pagnell Town
Brockenhurst 4—0 Sunderland West End
Sunderland 3—3 Arundel (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Elsa, Olaf, and the rest of them couldn’t quite get it done.
Balham 2—0 Newent Town
Peterborough Northern Star 5—1 Andover New Street
Tunbridge Wells 1—3 Oldham Athletic
Ely City 3—4 Harrogate Railway Athletic
Whitchurch Alport 2—1 Havant & Waterlooville
Lancaster City 0—2 Frickley Athletic
Walsham-le-Willows 2—0 Smethwick Rangers
Retford 5—2 Westbury United
Edgware Town 7—1 Alfold
Eastbourne United Association 3—1 Westfields
Leeds United 2—1 Torrington
Prestwich Heys 1—1 Romford (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Windsor 3—0 Sutton Coldfield Town
Chelsea 2—2 Walsall (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Brocton 1—3 Winsford United
Lewes 2—1 Bedlington Terriers
Mildenhall Town 4—1 Sunderland RCA
Wisbech Town 0—3 Spennymoor Town
Slough Town 1—3 Yeovil Town
Guildford City 4—1 Benfleet
Cardiff City 4—0 Kennington
Ingles 0—2 Bedworth United
Chippenham Town 1—2 Broadbridge Heath
Aldershot Town 5—0 Leverstock Green
Carlisle United 5—1 Hebburn Town
Helston Athletic 3—1 Nostell Miners Welfare
Melton Town 4—0 Carshalton Athletic
Snodland Town 0—3 Reading
Melksham Town 0—3 Aston Villa
Atherton LR 4—4 Mousehole (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Biggleswade United 5—0 Tavistock
Sidmouth Town 1—6 Wincanton Town
Welling United 3—0 Ascot United
Penrith 0—2 Kempston Rovers
Leamington 3—0 Colne
Hereford Lads Club 1—0 Solihull Moors
LADS LADS LADS — causing an upset. Don’t they always upset somebody?
Dudley Sports 1—4 Seaford Town
Hillingdon Borough 2—1 Holsworthy
Cambridge City 0—2 Eastleigh
Grays Athletic 1—6 Skelmersdale United
Oxford City 1—3 Cleator Moor Celtic
CUMBRIAN RISE!
Lymington Town 3—2 Crediton United
Abbey Hulton United 1—3 Consett
Bristol Telephones 3—1 Mangotsfield United
Burnley 4—0 Southall
Ashton Town 3—1 AFC Wulfrunians
Newport County 0—1 Welton Rovers
Well shit. Git on, Welton.
Winchester City 2—0 Padiham
Ashington 6—0 Pinchbeck United
Hungerford Town 4—1 Glossop North End
Basingstoke Town 0—0 Worcester Raiders (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Haverhill Rovers 2—0 Hamworthy United
Stafford Town 4—3 Downham Town
Crewe Alexandra 1—1 White Ensign (P.S.O. — 3–0)
Brimscombe & Thrupp 4—2 Molesey
Debenham LC 1—6 Punjab United
Newcastle Town 2—0 Diss Town
It’s gonna be a ghost town now, innit.
Buckingham Athletic 1—7 Clitheroe
Romulus 2—5 Wallingford Town
Chessington & Hook United 1—4 Royal Wootton Bassett Town
AFC Rushden & Diamonds 1—3 Holland
You can’t expect Rushden & Diamonds to knock off The Dutch, can you?
East Cowes Victoria Athletic 5—0 Colliers Wood United
Dobwalls 3—3 Hartley Wintney (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Leighton Town 2—0 Lutterworth Town
Hastings United 4—0 Petersfield Town
AFC Darwen 4—5 Knaphill
Callington Town 5—4 St. Martins
Ware 3—0 Hertford Town
Blackfield & Langley 4—5 Dudley Town
AFC Bournemouth 5—1 Leatherhead
Gorleston 2—2 Torridgeside (P.S.O. — 5–3)
Long Buckby 1—7 Northampton Town
Parkgate 2—4 Potton United
Cray Valley Paper Mills 3—0 Reading City
Corinthian-Casuals 3—3 Didcot Town (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Albion Sports 1—3 Barking
Seaham Red Star 1—1 Horley Town (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Aylesbury United 3—2 Wimborne Town
Ossett United 3—1 Haringey Borough
Camelford 2—0 Corby Town
Sheffield Wednesday 0—2 East Grinstead Town
Wednesday not having a good day.
Nelson 0—2 Eastbourne Borough
Daventry Town 2—1 Pershore Town
Barton Rovers 2—6 Kent Football United
Ashby Ivanhoe 0—5 Dunstable Town
Framlingham Town 1—3 Sheffield United
Egham Town 0—4 Peterborough United
London Colney 3—0 Norwich United
Bemerton Heath Harlequins 1—3 Tow Law Town
Lydney Town 1—4 Wingate & Finchley
Walton & Hersham 1—1 Loxwood (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Wadebridge Town 6—1 Sheppey United
Blyth Spartans 6—0 Jersey Bulls
Northampton Sileby Rangers 2—1 Gloucester City
Littlehampton Town 0—2 Hythe Town
Brislington 0—2 Hengrove Athletic
Harwich & Parkeston 8—1 Harefield United
St. Albans City 3—1 Banstead Athletic
Holmer Green 0—3 Bishop’s Cleeve
Stotfold 5—1 Stocksbridge Park Steels
Southampton 6—0 Thackley
Elburton Villa 0—7 Ampthill Town
Golcar United 1—5 Aylestone Park
Dorchester Town 0—6 Stockport Town
Billingham Synthonia 1—4 Chipstead
Bourne Town 2—0 Bideford
Runcorn Linnets 2—2 Sittingbourne (P.S.O. — 4–2)
Grimsby Borough 1—1 Ash United (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Deeping Rangers 0—3 Harrow Borough
Hitchin Town 2—2 Stourbridge (P.S.O. — 4–3)
March Town United 0—4 Kettering Town
Bury Town 3—0 AFC Blackpool
Midhurst & Easebourne 5—1 Falmouth Town
Hanwell Town 1—6 Bristol Rovers
Wolverhampton Sporting Community 6—0 Baffins Milton Rovers
Chelmsley Town 0—6 Longwell Green Sports
Stalybridge Celtic 0—2 Sheringham
West Auckland Town 3—1 Dunston UTS
Sandbach United 5—1 West Didsbury & Chorlton
Tadcaster Albion 4—0 Lordswood
Fairford Town 1—3 Stockport County
Warminster Town 0—1 Manchester United
Stourport Swifts 1—4 Corsham Town
Darlaston Town 0—2 AFC Liverpool
St. Blazey 0—3 Harpenden Town
Doncaster Rovers 3—1 Histon
Boreham Wood 1—2 Barnsley
Langford 3—2 Bromsgrove Sporting
Christchurch 0—3 Maine Road
Littleton 0—8 Felixstowe & Walton United
Millbrook 1—4 Fakenham Town
Mile Oak 2—0 Lutterworth Athletic
Wisbech St. Mary 0—1 Wolverhampton Casuals
Peterborough Sports 3—2 Tiverton Town
Street 2—6 Worthing
Newton Aycliffe 3—1 Burnham
St. Panteleion 3—1 Frenford
Brentford 3—1 Abbey Rangers
Goole 3—0 AFC Uckfield Town
FC United of Manchester 4—0 Rugby Town
Hullbridge Sports 0—2 Penn & Tylers Green
Maidstone United 3—1 Charlton Athletic
Redditch United 1—3 FC Halifax Town
Greenways 0—2 Arsenal
Erith & Belvedere 7—0 Prescot Cables
Truro City 4—2 Boston Town
London Lions 2—0 Brackley Town
Little Oakley 0—2 Guisborough Town
Washington 0—4 Redbridge
Salisbury 1—5 Brighouse Town
Thatcham Town 1—3 Kendal Town
Westside 3—0 VCD Athletic
Chorley 6—1 British Airways
Congleton Town 7—0 Soham Town Rangers
Camberley Town 4—2 Carlisle City
Cirencester Town 0—3 Penistone Church
Hanworth Villa 0—3 CB Hounslow United
Sleaford Town 5—2 Milton United
Raynes Park Vale 0—0 Wick (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Plymouth Argyle 3—0 Ashford Town
Black Country Rangers 2—3 Newquay
Deal Town 7—1 Ipswich Wanderers
Hull City 3—1 Stafford Rangers
Beaconsfield Town 0—4 Bilston Town
Hendon 1—2 Axminster Town
Liskeard Athletic 5—0 Kirby Muxloe
Canterbury City 5—1 Ellesmere Rangers
North Greenford United 0—3 Borrowash Victoria
Whitton United 0—0 Matlock Town (P.S.O. — 8–7)
Swaffham Town 7—3 Crawley Down Gatwick
Sutton United 4—1 Thornbury Town
Birmingham City 4—1 Cirencester Town
Bishop’s Stortford 4—3 Bovey Tracey
Eastwood Community 2—0 Almondsbury
Hamble Club 1—7 Langney Wanderers
Worthing United 0—5 Chester
Sevenoaks Town 0—0 Glasshoughton Welfare (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Wormley Rovers 2—3 Handsworth
Amesbury Town 2—0 Northwood
Newark Flowserve 1—0 Brighton
The fuck just happened?
St. Margaretsbury 1—4 Ashton United
Shawbury United 3—5 Odd Down
QPR 3—1 West Bridgford
Cobham 1—1 Harrowby United (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Kimberley Miners Welfare 0—5 Gresley
Tonbridge Angels 0—2 Cheltenham Town
Ryton & Crawcrook Albion 1—6 Coggeshall Town
Maltby Main 2—0 Chertsey Town
Crook Town 5—1 Tuffley Rovers
Wednesfield 1—4 Armthorpe Welfare
Lancing 0—7 Chasetown
Paget Rangers 0—5 Thornaby
GNP Sports 4—4 Stanway Rovers (P.S.O. — 4–1)
Leicester Nirvana 1—3 Malvern Town
Go home and find your inner peace, lads.
Knaresborough Town 0—4 Swallownest
Bognor Regis Town 2—1 Studley
Cove 2—0 Kirkley & Pakefield
Ashton Athletic 4—4 Cheltenham Saracens (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Virginia Water 3—1 Bagshot
Jarrow 3—0 AFC Sudbury
Heaton Stannington 3—2 Bearsted
AFC Mansfield 4—0 Yorkshire Amateur
Selsey 0—1 Wrexham
Aylesbury Vale Dynamos 0—5 Corinthian
Worsbrough Bridge Athletic 5—0 Tring Athletic
Abbey Hey 1—5 Oakwood
Long Melford 3—0 Taunton Town
Uxbridge 1—1 Kidlington (P.S.O. — 5–6)
Highgate United 1—5 Biggleswade
Liversedge 3—1 Forest Hill Park
Gedling Miners Welfare 5—1 Crowborough Athletic
Cornard United 5—4 Paulton Rovers
Pagham 3—0 Charnock Richard
Stoke City 1—1 Honiton Town (P.S.O. — 5–3)
Don’t worry Stoke, no-one saw you sweating.
FC Elmstead 5—1 Potters Bar Town
Southend Manor 4—1 Tadley Calleva
The fanciest sounding teams of all time competing in ‘The Fancy Derby’.
Morpeth Town 6—0 London Tigers
FC Clacton 5—2 Bradford Town
Preston North End 3—0 Salford City
Bedford 1—4 Workington
Bacup Borough 0—1 Vauxhall Motors
Horndean 0—2 Badshot Lea
Woodford Town 2—3 Berkhamsted
Ebbsfleet United 2—2 Fleetwood Town (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Rocester 4—0 Buckland Athletic
Basildon United 1—3 Bowers & Pitsea
AFC Totton 2—0 Bournemouth
Rayners Lane 4—3 Billingham Town
Horsham YMCA 6—1 Long Eaton United
Frome Town 2—0 Whitley Bay
Farsley Celtic 0—0 FC Romania (P.S.O. — 3–0)
Willington 1—2 Market Drayton Town
Atherton Collieries 5—0 Worcester City
Accrington Stanley 1—0 Bury AFC
Rushden & Higham United 0—6 Amersham Town
Ivybridge Town 4—5 Worksop Town
Godolphin Atlantic 1—2 Wycombe Wanderers
Ramsbottom United 0—4 Esh Winning
Bodmin Town 2—1 Chelmsford City
Pickering Town 0—2 Huntingdon Town
Sawbridgeworth Town 0—6 Lichfield City
Croydon 5—0 Coventry Copsewood
Laverstock & Ford 3—0 Slimbridge
Stansted 4—1 Athersley Recreation
Lakenheath 2—0 Thetford Town
Shrivenham 5—1 Hall Road Rangers
South Park 4—1 Enfield Town
Goalscorers included McCormick, Marsh, Cartman, and Broflovski. And some ghost for Enfield.
Silsden 0—5 Quorn
That fake meat’ll do ya in.
Cheshunt 1—1 AFC Stoneham (P.S.O. — 5–4)
St. Helens Town 0—3 Coventry United
Burton Park Wanderers 3—1 AFC Telford United
Phoenix Sports 1—4 Malmesbury Victoria
Lower Breck 0—3 Wem Town
Huddersfield Town 6—0 Ilfracombe Town
Gillingham 1—2 Cleethorpes Town
Hey up.
Carlton Town 2—5 Walthamstow
Bracknell Town 0—3 Holyport
Oxhey Jets 4—0 Clanfield
Chadderton 1—3 FC Deportivo Galicia
Leek Town 1—6 AFC Croydon Athletic
Bit of a … Leeky defence, innit?
Burnham Ramblers 4—3 Whickham
Burscough 0—3 Torquay United
Lincoln City 3—0 West Allotment Celtic
Portsmouth 4—1 Woodbridge Town
Cheddar 1—5 Basford United
Dang. There goes the cheese.
Crawley Town 4—1 Bishops Lydeard
Witham Town 1—3 Brightlingsea Regent
Long Crendon 1—2 Leyton Orient
Walton Casuals 0—3 Marlow
Dorking Wanderers 1—0 Brandon United
Spalding United 1—3 Dunkirk
Gateshead 0—2 Stratford Town
Redhill 2—1 Ilkeston Town
Ilford 2—1 East Thurrock United
St. Andrews 3—1 Oldland Abbotonians
Cheadle Town 1—3 Lye Town
Hereford 0—4 Kingstonian
Frimley Green 0—3 Blackburn Rovers
Kensington & Ealing Borough 1—3 Whyteleafe
Herne Bay 0—4 Westfield
Milton Keynes Irish 5—1 Staveley Miners Welfare
Tooting Bec 6—1 AFC Aldermaston
Ipswich Town 6—0 Sutton Athletic
Shaftesbury 2—1 Bath City
Gosport Borough 0—2 Chester-le-Street Town
AFC Wimbledon 3—0 Yate Town
Hyde United 1—3 Cadbury Heath
Atherstone Town 0—4 MK Dons
Concord Rangers 8—0 Sunderland Ryhope CW
Plymouth Parkway 0—2 Longlevens
Redcar Athletic 1—6 Harrogate Town
Exeter City 5—0 Eccleshill United
Cowes Sports 1—2 Guiseley
Uttoxeter Town 0—6 Norwich City
Barnet 2—2 GNG Oadby Town (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Bishop Auckland 1—0 Shefford Town & Campton
Bolton Wanderers 2—0 Rochdale
Loughborough University 3—2 Verwood Town
Billingshurst 1—5 West Brom
Cullompton Rangers 2—0 Fulham
Oh shit. I dunno where Cullompton is, but regardless, it’s gonna be a long drive back to London.
Belper Town 0—7 Squires Gate
Bootle 2—1 Binfield
Halstead Town 6—0 Nuneaton Griff
Barnstaple Town 6—1 Pilkington
Alton 0—5 Stapenhill
Wellington A.F.C. 0—4 Middlesbrough
Devizes Town 0—2 City of Liverpool
AFC Portchester 3—0 United Services Portsmouth
Racing Club Warwick 0—6 Wokingham & Emmbrook
Coggeshall United 7—1 Ollerton Town
Wythenshawe Amateurs 1—4 Chesterfield
Sheffield 0—4 Shepton Mallet
Barrow 1—0 Royston Town
Coleshill Town 2—0 Enfield Borough
Easington Colliery 3—2 Risborough Rangers
Sporting Bengal United 1—6 Hornchurch
May & Baker 1—3 Merstham
Exmouth Town 3—0 Wivenhoe Town
Crawley Green 3—0 Emley
Notts County 2—0 Rainworth Miners Welfare
Heybridge Swifts 0—3 Heanor Town
Wythenshawe Town 2—1 Kidlington
Arlesey Town 0—2 Newcastle University
Anstey Nomads 2—3 Sandhurst Town
Dereham Town 5—3 Bexhill United
Willand Rovers 3—3 Northwich Victoria (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Woking 0—0 Avro (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Irchester United 2—1 Shifnal Town
Wigan Athletic 2—0 Rusthall
Colney Heath 6—0 Radford
Farnborough 1—4 Cogenhoe United
Darlington 2—0 Andover Town
Bedford Town 1—3 Swindon Town
East Preston 3—2 Blackstones
Fleet Spurs 4—0 Halesowen Town
Stowmarket Town 0—6 Harlow Town
Dartmouth 3—1 Hadleigh United
Hemel Hempstead Town 0—6 Liverpool
Dulwich Hamlet 1—2 Bedfont Sports
Hallam 0—2 Barwell
Braintree Town 3—2 Dartford
Sporting Khalsa 2—0 Alfreton Town
Runcorn Town 4—0 Wellingborough Whitworth
Leicester Road 1—5 Chalvey Sports
Nottingham Forest 2—0 Holmesdale
Heather St. John’s 5—0 Coalville Town
Altrincham 6—0 Bugbrooke St. Michaels
Hanley Town 2—2 Brigg Town (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Boston United 7—1 Litherland REMYCA
Chalfont St. Peter 0—6 Abingdon Town
Stonehouse Town 3—0 Faversham Town
AFC Bridgnorth 4—0 Lydd Town
Campion 7—0 Highworth Town
Ramsgate 1—4 Burton Albion
Dagenham & Redbridge 3—0 Rushall Olympic
Clipstone 1—1 Storrington (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Grantham Town 4—0 Burgess Hill Town
Loughborough Dynamo 5—0 Birstall United
St. Dennis 0—3 York City
Brantham Athletic 5—1 Barkingside
Pontefract Collieries 1—4 Maldon & Tiptree
Tilbury 1—0 Sticker
West Ham United 5—0 Alsager Town
Sholing 0—8 Grimsby Town
Barton Town 0—3 AFC Varndeanians
Bewdley Town 3—3 Moneyfields (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Brimsdown 4—0 Clapton
Southport 4—4 Larkhall Athletic (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Whitstable Town 3—1 Bridlington Town
Horsham 1—6 Oxford United
Ashford United 3—0 Longridge Town
Cinderford Town 5—0 Peacehaven & Telscombe
Whitehawk 3—0 Bristol Manor Farm
Clifton All Whites 0—1 Porthleven
Shrewsbury Town 3—0 Lewisham Borough
Bottesford Town 5—4 Northampton ON Chenecks
Evesham United 3—0 Cradley Town
Folkestone Invicta 2—0 Kidderminster Harriers
Abingdon United 1—6 Saffron Dynamo
Selston 1—7 Rotherham United
Chichester City 6—0 Enfield
AFC Fylde 1—3 Haughmond
Forest Green Rovers 2—1 Poole Town
Bourton Rovers 1—3 Stamford
Holker Old Boys 0—4 Dover Athletic
Roffey 2—0 Fleet Town
Witton Albion 1—3 Eastbourne Town
Glebe 2—0 Stevenage
Graham Street Prims 1—1 Hayes & Yeading United (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Tamworth 1—1 Hereford Pegasus (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Portland United 0—5 Downton
And The Abbey erupted into a light applause.
Meridian VP 4—1 Ringwood Town
Weymouth 3—1 Mansfield Town
Roman Glass St. George 3—1 Luton Town
A Championship side beaten by… A church? A glass company?
South Shields 3—2 Eversley & California
Tividale 0—0 Shoreham (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Needham Market 3—3 St. Ives Town (P.S.O. — 10–9)
Stansfeld 5—1 Chesham United
Leiston 0—3 Lincoln United
Hednesford Town 0—2 Shortwood United
Whitby Town 1—5 Tytherington Rocks
Widnes 5—0 Torpoint Athletic
Wendron United 2—0 Gainsborough Trinity
Steeton 2—2 Barrow Town (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Cheadle Heath Nomads 0—2 Eccleshall
Newhaven 0—6 Coventry City
Bradford City 1—7 Cambridge United
Lingfield 1—0 A.F.C. Hayes
Elmore 2—0 Saffron Walden Town
Moreton Rangers 5—2 Bashley
Takeley 1—5 Hassocks
Nantwich Town 5—0 Folland Sports
Banbury United 0—1 Bromley
Hadley 4—4 Holwell Sports (P.S.O. — 8–7)
Lowestoft Town 0—3 Maidenhead United
Leicester City 4—0 Fawley
Crystal Palace 0—1 Southend United
It might be a shite time to be a Southend fan, but not in this article.
Wolves 3—0 Whitchurch United
Bitton 3—0 St. Austell
Romsey Town 0—3 Radstock Town
Totton & Eling 0—7 Newcastle United
Hailsham Town 0—2 Erith Town
Port Vale 1—3 Tranmere Rovers
Keynsham Town 1—6 Bridport
New Milton Town 1—4 Millwall
Calne Town 0—5 Manchester City
Whittlesey Athletic 6—0 Bridgwater Town
Cribbs 0—3 Everton
Alright, breather.
Let’s recap.
See above.
Big news is that three Premier League sides have bitten the dust, with Crystal Palace knocked out by League Two basement club Southend United, Brighton knocked out by Newark Flowserve of the Midland League Premier Division, and Fulham knocked out by Cullompton Rangers of the South West Peninsula League Premier Division East.
Coupla EFL sides bit the dust at the hands of non-league sides too, Sheffield Wednesday and Luton Town for example, and I’ve no doubt there’ll be more to come. Altogether, 14 Football League (including Prem) sides bit the dust, most to a pretty major upset.
Recap over.
Time for the third round; 256 ties, 512 teams. More upsets? More bumper ties? Harry Kane visiting a bumpy pitch with a few dogs running about on it somewhere in Yorkshire?
Hope so.
We go again.
THIRD ROUND
AFC Dunstable 4—0 Mile Oak
Burnley 4—1 Chichester City
Harborough Town 5—0 Rayners Lane
Halstead Town 0—2 Hartley Wintney
Tividale 1—5 Guisborough Town
Chorley 4—0 Wokingham & Emmbrook
Brantham Athletic 3—0 St. Andrews
Scunthorpe United 4—0 London Lions
Folkestone Invicta 5—1 Barrow Town
Langford 3—1 Saffron Dynamo
Shepton Mallet 4—2 Roffey
Hassocks 2—1 City of Liverpool
Hucknall Town 8—0 Loughborough University
The Uni wasn’t simply reddy.
GNG Oadby Town 2—2 Biggleswade United (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Merstham 3—1 Kettering Town
Bourne Town 1—3 Hereford Lads Club
Crawley Town 2—1 Armthorpe Welfare
Whittlesey Athletic 3—1 Cove
Bodmin Town 2—1 Coggeshall United
Esh Winning 5—1 Peterborough Sports
Saltash United 3—0 East Grinstead Town
Altrincham 1—0 Romford
Whyteleafe 2—0 Durham City
Rochester United 0—4 Warrington Rylands
Kendal Town 1—4 Dartmouth
Cadbury Athletic 8—0 AFC Bridgnorth
Burton Albion 1—2 Welwyn Garden City
Drunk vs. Stoned.
Melton Town 0—0 Truro City (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Stamford 1—1 Radcliffe (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Holland 2—1 Stoke City
Wait, are these guys actually the Dutch national team?
East Cowes Victoria Athletic 3—0 Farnham Town
East Preston 2—3 Hayes & Yeading United
Peterborough United 1—0 Barrow
Manchester United 3—1 Corinthian
Elmore 0—5 Glebe
Marlow 1—4 Stapenhill
Exeter City 4—2 Metropolitan Police
Colchester United 7—1 Bottesford Town
Worcester Raiders 0—3 Bromley
Brigg Town 1—6 Midhurst & Easebourne
Coleshill Town 2—0 Leeds United
For fuck’s sake.
Skelmersdale United 0—1 Bootle
Leicester City 2—0 Cray Valley Paper Mills
Crewe Alexandra 4—1 Porthleven
West Ham United 3—1 Camelford
Sheffield United 6—0 AFC Liverpool
Thame United 1—6 Basford United
Kings Langley 3—1 AFC Wimbledon
‘Lango have beaten the Crazy Gang!’
Haverhill Rovers 1—2 AFC Bournemouth
Steyning Town Community 1—3 Weston-super-Mare
Worsbrough Bridge Athletic 0—8 Ashton Town
Eastbourne Town 4—5 Thornaby
Didcot Town 6—1 Potton United
Scarborough Athletic 0—2 Congleton Town
Ash United 3—3 Chasetown (P.S.O. — 5–6)
Wendron United 1—5 Dover Athletic
Tamworth 0—3 Dunstable Town
Kempston Rovers 1—5 Park View
Brockenhurst 3—4 Crook Town
Workington 2—0 Braintree Town
AFC Portchester 0—6 Fareham Town
Boston United 3—0 Barking
Dunkirk 0—4 Forest Green Rovers
Bedworth United 0—5 Hythe Town
Blackburn Rovers 2—1 AFC Totton
Borrowash Victoria 1—3 Leighton Town
GNP Sports 0—3 Great Wakering Rovers
Hemsworth Miners Welfare 1—0 Aldershot Town
Daventry Town 2—0 Cadbury Heath
Ipswich Town 3—1 FC Clacton
Hastings United 1—3 Westside
Newton Aycliffe 3—1 Chesterfield
Wolverhampton Casuals 2—1 Hashtag United
Squires Gate 2—3 Lye Town
Fakenham Town 7—1 Hungerford Town
Bristol City 5—0 Shaftesbury
Brentwood Town 2—2 Chipstead (P.S.O. — 6–7)
Moreton Rangers 3—0 Sheerwater
Stansted 4—2 Hadley
Portishead Town 2—1 Consett
Royal Wootton Bassett Town 2—0 Lingfield
Cambridge United 3—1 MK Dons
Epsom & Ewell 1—3 Southend Manor
Stone Old Alleynians 1—3 Three Bridges
Ashington 7—1 AFC Croydon Athletic
Nantwich Town 1—4 Coventry City
Swaffham Town 5—0 Exmouth Town
Winchester City 1—6 Mousehole
Rotherham United 7—0 Felixstowe & Walton United
Brentford 2—0 Stockton Town
Market Drayton Town 1—2 Eastbourne Borough
Selby Town 4—3 Maine Road
Sutton United 3—1 Runcorn Linnets
Oakwood 3—0 Hallen
Kent Football United 0—4 Walsham-le-Willows
Chalvey Sports 1—7 Pagham
Handsworth 0—2 Knaphill
Haughmond 0—3 Cornard United
FC Elmstead 0—3 Shrivenham
Bewdley Town 0—3 Athletic Newham
Maltby Main 2—0 Erith Town
Hartlepool United 2—2 Lakenheath (P.S.O. — 4–1)
Bowers & Pitsea 0—2 Ashford United
Callington Town 1—3 London Colney
Stafford Town 4—0 Spelthorne Sports
Yeovil Town 2—0 Longlevens
Ware 3—0 Nuneaton Borough
North Ferriby 0—4 Laverstock & Ford
Eccleshall 4—2 Birtley Town
AFC Varndeanians 1—1 Harrogate Town (P.S.O. — 5–4)
A League Two side beaten by a load of folk running around in mortarboards.
Portsmouth 4—0 Welton Rovers
Harlow Town 0—5 Fleet Spurs
Northampton Town 3—0 Brimscombe & Thrupp
Canterbury City 1—5 Clipstone
Garforth Town 3—0 Punjab United
Penn & Tylers Green 6—0 Campion
FC United of Manchester 1—2 Grimsby Town
Jarrow 0—2 Bishop Sutton
Bognor Regis Town 1—1 Marske United (P.S.O. — 5–6)
Larkhall Athletic 1—4 Penistone Church
Notts County 5—0 Bishop’s Cleeve
Bristol Rovers 3—1 St. Neots Town
Whitehawk 7—1 Dudley Town
Worthing 5—2 Sleaford Town
Ilford 0—2 Everton
Bedfont Sports 0—4 Swansea City
Ashton Athletic 1—4 Hoddesdon Town
Chester 1—4 Watford
Hornchurch 1—6 Canvey Island
Dagenham & Redbridge 2—0 Clitheroe
Biggleswade 2—0 Malmesbury Victoria
QPR 1—2 Harrogate Railway Athletic
Wow, this Harrogate side just keeps going up and up, first the EFL, now the next round of the… Wait, that’s not them? Then who’re these trainspotting impostors?
Bishop Auckland 1—3 Eastwood Community
Eastbourne United Association 2—0 Sunderland
Dropping like flies here.
Milton Keynes Irish 6—0 Lichfield City
Camberley Town 0—0 South Park (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Hitchin Town 5—2 Long Melford
Tytherington Rocks 2—2 Farsley Celtic (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Shrewsbury Town 0—1 Nottingham Forest
Irchester United 1—0 CB Hounslow United
Frickley Athletic 2—1 Odd Down
Rocester 3—0 Ashton United
Northampton Sileby Rangers 3—4 Wadebridge Town
Heather St. John’s 0—1 Lymington Town
Garstang 2—0 Haywards Heath Town
Burton Park Wanderers 8—0 Bitton
Abingdon Town 4—2 Chester-le-Street Town
Dorking Wanderers 1—3 Westfield
West Auckland Town 2—1 Liskeard Athletic
Wallingford Town 1—4 Darlington
Amersham Town 0—6 Wolves
Wingate & Finchley 0—1 Ossett United
Hillingdon Borough 0—4 Bristol Telephones
Kidlington 3—0 Worksop Town
Godmanchester Rovers 1—3 Cleator Moor Celtic
Langney Wanderers 1—0 Goole
Huntingdon Town 0—9 Tottenham Hotspur
Lincoln City 1—2 Heath Hayes
Malvern Town 2—0 Badshot Lea
Maidenhead United 1—0 Guildford City
Daisy Hill 2—3 Spennymoor Town
Maldon & Tiptree 0—5 Kingstonian
Maidstone United 3—1 Hythe & Dibden
Cogenhoe United 0—3 Vauxhall Motors
Derby County 3—2 Brightlingsea Regent
Balham 1—3 Mildenhall Town
Colney Heath 1—3 Guiseley
Burnham Ramblers 1—2 Bilston Town
Newport Pagnell Town 0—1 FC Isle of Man
Aylestone Park 2—0 York City
Shepshed Dynamo 0—2 Walton & Hersham
Shortwood United 1—5 Harrowby United
Redhill 1—3 Cullompton Rangers
Tadcaster Albion 2—3 Southend United
Leyton Orient 1—2 Stockport County
Plymouth Argyle 5—0 Sheringham
Newark Flowserve 3—3 Bolton Wanderers (P.S.O. — 5–3)
THEY’VE DONE IT AGAIN
Irlam 0—4 Torquay United
Rossington Main 5—1 Runcorn Town
Cockfosters 0—2 Gresley
Millwall 5—0 Stockport Town
Blyth Spartans 1—1 Chelsea (P.S.O. — 5–4)
WHAT IS HAPPENING
Amesbury Town 1—6 Norwich City
Gorleston 1—5 Rothwell Corinthians
Wealdstone 3—1 Peterborough Northern Star
Coggeshall Town 1—1 Newcastle University (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Cheshunt 3—3 Broadbridge Heath (P.S.O. — 7–8)
Seaford Town 3—3 Ampthill Town (P.S.O. — 0–3)
Quorn 1—2 Barnsley
Crawley Green 5—1 Whitchurch Alport
Wells City 0—0 Manchester City (P.S.O. — 2–3)
Feckin’ jeez. That was toight.
Edgware Town 5—1 Leamington
Carlisle United 3—1 FC Halifax Town
Oxford United 3—0 Concord Rangers
Brimsdown 0—3 Whitstable Town
Bury Town 2—3 Hengrove Athletic
Meridian VP 1—1 Harrow Borough (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Axminster Town 4—3 AFC Mansfield
Sandbach United 2—0 Cheltenham Town
Tow Law Town 2—3 Coventry United
Beckenham Town 1—2 Arsenal
Wythenshawe Town 5—1 Heaton Stannington
Loughborough Dynamo 4—0 St. Panteleion
West Brom 1—0 Cardiff City
Stonehouse Town 1—4 Morecambe
Wembley 1—0 Dereham Town
Barwell 8—0 Retford
Virginia Water 1—0 Easington Colliery
Stratford Town 3—0 Croydon
Windsor 3—1 Heanor Town
Baldock Town 3—1 Radstock Town
Accrington Stanley 3—2 Cinderford Town
Redbridge 0—1 Tranmere Rovers
Evesham United 7—0 Tilbury
Widnes 2—1 Middlesbrough
HOLY MARY
Barnstaple Town 1—1 King’s Lynn Town (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Frome Town 0—3 Berkhamsted
Blackpool 2—0 Newton Abbott Spurs
Wem Town 0—2 1874 Northwich
Huddersfield Town 2—0 Swallownest
Ebbsfleet United 0—2 Glasshoughton Welfare
Wincanton Town 1—3 Wycombe Wanderers
Northwich Victoria 1—4 Wrexham
Aston Villa 4—0 Wolverhampton Sporting Community
Harpenden Town 1—5 Horsham YMCA
Downton 0—4 Reading
St. Albans City 4—1 Tooting Bec
Morpeth Town 1—2 Newquay
Harwich & Parkeston 0—0 Winsford United (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Whitton United 0—3 Hull City
Doncaster Rovers 0—0 Aylesbury United (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Swindon Supermarine 2—0 Grantham Town
Swindon Town 0—2 Needham Market
Liversedge 0—2 Southampton
Lincoln United 1—1 Chipping Sodbury Town (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Birmingham City 3—1 Tower Hamlets
Newcastle Town 1—0 Atherton Collieries
Bradford (Park Avenue) 5—1 Corsham Town
South Shields 0—4 Bishop’s Stortford
Seaham Red Star 1—4 Deal Town
Wigan Athletic 3—0 Erith & Belvedere
Walthamstow 0—0 Sporting Khalsa (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Roman Glass St. George 2—0 Brighouse Town
Stansfeld 6—0 Longwell Green Sports
Lewes 1—4 Newcastle United
Gedling Miners Welfare 0—4 Oldham Athletic
Winterton Rangers 2—0 Tooting & Mitcham United
Liverpool 1—0 FC Deportivo Galicia
East Hull 3—0 Cleethorpes Town
Stotfold 1—4 Helston Athletic
Preston North End 5—0 Sandhurst Town
Weymouth 0—3 Eastleigh
Bridport 4—0 Avro
Raunds Town 1—4 Norwich CBS
Holyport 2—0 Wick
Oxhey Jets 3—1 Welling United
Well what the feck happened there?
There are NO EFL sides remaining.
Maybe a few. I think I counted 18 biting the dust, pretty much all of them GARGANTUAN upsets.
But non-league are dominating. Showing the real power that comes from being outside a stadium on turf that doubles as a cricket pitch.
And just like that… We’re down to 256.
MOREMOREMORE
FOURTH ROUND
Ampthill Town 0—2 Winterton Rangers
Eastbourne United Association 3—0 Tytherington Rocks
Altrincham 1—3 Spennymoor Town
Exeter City 8—0 Stansfeld
Hereford Lads Club 1—2 Bradford (Park Avenue)
Darlington 1—4 St. Albans City
Oakwood 5—1 Selby Town
Torquay United 2—0 Lymington Town
Blackburn Rovers 4—0 Vauxhall Motors
Biggleswade 3—1 Barwell
Shepton Mallet 0—2 Congleton Town
Hartlepool United 3—1 Rocester
Hull City 5—2 Needham Market
Midhurst & Easebourne 2—2 Merstham (P.S.O. — 3–5)
Bilston Town 2—2 Eccleshall (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Axminster Town 0—7 Glasshoughton Welfare
Swaffham Town 0—5 Nottingham Forest
Langney Wanderers 1—3 Wadebridge Town
Stockport County 0—2 Guiseley
AFC Dunstable 6—0 Crook Town
Kidlington 1—1 Crawley Town (P.S.O. — 6–7)
Tottenham Hotspur 4—1 Sutton United
Stafford Town 2—4 Coleshill Town
Forest Green Rovers 6—1 Basford United
Harwich & Parkeston 7—0 Bootle
Oxford United 6—1 Hemsworth Miners Welfare
Burnley 3—0 Abingdon Town
Manchester United 5—1 Westfield
Garforth Town 0—2 Stapenhill
Welwyn Garden City 0—5 Sheffield United
Malvern Town 1—6 Lye Town
Frickley Athletic 0—5 Newcastle United
Swindon Supermarine 3—1 Rossington Main
Mildenhall Town 0—0 Park View (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Leighton Town 1—1 Southend United (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Highs in their first two rounds, to another low. Them poor Shrimpers.
Edgware Town 3—2 Westside
Laverstock & Ford 0—1 Whyteleafe
West Ham United 4—1 Newark Flowserve
The fairytale is over.
Hitchin Town 1—1 Notts County (P.S.O. — 0–3)
Walsham-le-Willows 1—3 Burton Park Wanderers
East Hull 1—3 South Park
Morecambe 0—3 FC Isle of Man
Could be taking supplements on that ferry over…
Millwall 3—0 Virginia Water
Accrington Stanley 2—0 Walton & Hersham
Dunstable Town 0—3 Blackpool
Hucknall Town 3—1 Harrowby United
Cleator Moor Celtic 0—5 Yeovil Town
King’s Lynn Town 6—0 Hythe Town
Marske United 1—6 Royal Wootton Bassett Town
Everton 3—0 Boston United
AFC Varndeanians 5—0 Helston Athletic
Irchester United 1—4 Bridport
Ware 3—6 Chasetown
Plymouth Argyle 1—5 Arsenal
London Colney 0—3 Hoddesdon Town
Newton Aycliffe 0—2 Brentford
Dagenham & Redbridge 4—0 Crawley Green
Wrexham 4—0 Penistone Church
Bishop’s Stortford 2—3 Rothwell Corinthians
1874 Northwich 3—1 Bristol Rovers
Harborough Town 1—3 Barnsley
Great Wakering Rovers 0—4 Biggleswade United
Wembley 3—0 Maltby Main
Whitehawk 1—6 Portsmouth
Berkhamsted 1—5 Dover Athletic
Swansea City 3—3 Oldham Athletic (P.S.O. — 6–5)
Cullompton Rangers 1—4 Thornaby
Melton Town 2—0 Huddersfield Town
No melting for Melton.
Chipstead 5—1 Didcot Town
Northampton Town 8—0 Crewe Alexandra
Jeez guys, you’re in the same league, have some respect.
Worthing 0—2 Aston Villa
Fleet Spurs 0—1 Leicester City
Preston North End 1—2 AFC Bournemouth
Workington 2—2 Wycombe Wanderers (P.S.O. — 3–2)
CUMBRIA RISE
Southampton 4—0 Fareham Town
Cadbury Athletic 1—5 Grimsby Town
Wythenshawe Town 2—4 Portishead Town
Horsham YMCA 0—0 Manchester City (P.S.O. — 4–5)
City making their fans sweat in this tournament.
Bromley 3—0 Bodmin Town
Roman Glass St. George 1—5 Tranmere Rovers
Hengrove Athletic 1—7 Evesham United
Stansted 2—0 Stratford Town
Blyth Spartans 2—0 Radcliffe
Meridian VP 0—6 Walthamstow
Hartley Wintney 7—0 Clipstone
Coventry United 7—2 Sandbach United
Oxhey Jets 1—3 Moreton Rangers
East Cowes Victoria Athletic 0—4 Peterborough United
Wigan Athletic 0—0 Loughborough Dynamo (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Glebe 0—4 Colchester United
Mousehole 1—6 Chipping Sodbury Town
Not Mousehole! I was really hoping they would face Cheddar at some point.
Newcastle University 1—1 Langford (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Bishop Sutton 6—1 Harrogate Railway Athletic
Newquay 0—1 Deal Town
Watford 1—2 Fakenham Town
Ain’t no fakin’ that.
Maidenhead United 3—1 Kingstonian
Coventry City 1—0 Wealdstone
Rotherham United 6—0 Hayes & Yeading United
Dartmouth 3—0 Broadbridge Heath
West Auckland Town 6—0 Esh Winning
Ashford United 0—3 Folkestone Invicta
Ipswich Town 1—3 Aylestone Park
Norwich City 3—2 Wolves
Eastbourne Borough 1—2 Daventry Town
Whittlesey Athletic 0—0 Ashington (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Saltash United 1—5 Eastleigh
Derby County 2—2 Weston-super-Mare (P.S.O. — 4–5)
The Rams have had a ‘Mare.
Norwich CBS 0—4 Warrington Rylands
Ashton Town 0—2 Newcastle Town
Brantham Athletic 2—0 Baldock Town
Gresley 2—0 Garstang
Maidstone United 5—1 Whitstable Town
Carlisle United 3—1 Cambridge United
West Brom 5—0 Pagham
Canvey Island 4—4 Milton Keynes Irish (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Windsor 0—1 Shrivenham
Cornard United 7—1 Athletic Newham
Kings Langley 5—0 Southend Manor
Holyport 1—1 Bristol Telephones (P.S.O. — 7–6)
Holland 1—6 Hassocks
Now we know how to beat The Dutch. Hassocks.
Reading 2—0 Bristol City
Guisborough Town 1—2 Birmingham City
Ossett United 0—3 Liverpool
The amalgamation couldn’t knock off the Premier League champions, but they’ll have a hell of a story about it.
Penn & Tylers Green 1—3 Chorley
Eastwood Community 3—4 Heath Hayes
Doncaster Rovers 0—2 Three Bridges
It’s always gonna be hard to score when you stick three bridges in front of your goal. Waterlogged pitch, innit?
Knaphill 2—2 Wolverhampton Casuals (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Scunthorpe United 7—0 Widnes
Round Four down. And some of the big boys are starting to pull rank. Still pretty casually though, with 14 EFL sides gone this time.
Of the 92 EFL sides that started the tournament, 42 remain, meaning 50 have already tasted the dust. Maths.
Of those 42 EFL sides, 14 are Premier League sides (6 dead), 12 Champo sides (12 dead), 8 League One sides (16 dead), and 8 League Two sides (16 dead).
FUN FACT: Bristol City are the only Champo side beginning with B not to make it this far. Huh.
Of the other 86 sides, 11 of them are from the National League (more than the two divisions above), 5 are from the National League North, and just 2 from the National League South; this leaves 68 sides from Rung 7 and lower, making up about half the remaining field.
But now they’re in choppier waters. More chance of running into Jaws out here.
In the final 128.
Let’s ‘ave it.
FIFTH ROUND
Birmingham City 1—2 Southampton
Torquay United 8—0 Hoddesdon Town
Edgware Town 0—4 South Park
Hartlepool United 0—1 Wigan Athletic
Stapenhill 1—2 Mildenhall Town
Bradford (Park Avenue) 2—0 Thornaby
Moreton Rangers 0—7 Wrexham
Folkestone Invicta 1—0 Portishead Town
Forest Green Rovers 1—3 Grimsby Town
Swindon Supermarine 0—2 West Brom
Whyteleafe 1—0 Blackpool
Some’ll slip through the cracks…
Gresley 0—6 Everton
Some won’t.
Dagenham & Redbridge 4—0 Warrington Rylands
Winterton Rangers 7—0 Walthamstow
Brentford 2—1 Crawley Town
Swansea City 4—1 Workington
Barnsley 3—1 Holyport
Portsmouth 0—1 AFC Varndeanians
Them big brains are comin’ in handy!
Dover Athletic 3—0 Bromley
Hucknall Town 1—5 Nottingham Forest
Later, Mick.
Tottenham Hotspur 3—1 Bishop Sutton
Dartmouth 1—3 Melton Town
Reading 2—0 Newcastle United
Blyth Spartans 1—0 Cornard United
Hassocks 1—5 Harwich & Parkeston
Wembley 0—3 Manchester City
No home tie in the final then.
Scunthorpe United 2—0 Heath Hayes
Wolverhampton Casuals 1—3 Eastleigh
Coventry City 2—2 Rotherham United (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Leighton Town 0—2 Spennymoor Town
Evesham United 2—0 Biggleswade United
Peterborough United 5—3 Maidenhead United
AFC Dunstable 0—2 Lye Town
Hartley Wintney 0—3 Maidstone United
Guiseley 1—0 West Auckland Town
Stansted 3—1 Three Bridges
Chasetown 1—4 Oakwood
West Ham United 4—0 Wadebridge Town
Burnley 8—0 Daventry Town
No mercy.
Rothwell Corinthians 0—6 Manchester United
Chorley 1—5 Oxford United
Burton Park Wanderers 0—4 St. Albans City
Canvey Island 0—0 Yeovil Town (P.S.O. — 0–3)
Colchester United 2—0 Eastbourne United Association
Weston-super-Mare 1—2 Notts County
Bridport 1—3 Chipping Sodbury Town
Norwich City 3—1 Congleton Town
Exeter City 2—0 Langford
AFC Bournemouth 3—2 Coleshill Town
Northampton Town 2—2 Leicester City (P.S.O. — 7–6)
Deal Town 0—3 Aylestone Park
Chipstead 0—4 Arsenal
Kings Langley 1—4 Aston Villa
Shrivenham 1—7 Accrington Stanley
Coventry United 1—6 Royal Wootton Bassett Town
Millwall 4—0 Fakenham Town
Liverpool 3—1 FC Isle of Man
Glasshoughton Welfare 4—1 Merstham
1874 Northwich 3—0 Sheffield United
Battered.
King’s Lynn Town 4—0 Newcastle Town
Carlisle United 0—6 Blackburn Rovers
Hull City 4—1 Biggleswade
Bilston Town 2—3 Brantham Athletic
Tranmere Rovers 0—2 Ashington
A bit cagier here, maybe a few more big names involved in sides, with bigger sides not taking anymore chances. 42 EFL sides became 31, and involving tiers 5 and 6, we have 45.
That means 19 teams from Tier 7 or lower remain.
Still likely to be drawn against each other and still a good chance of going further.
But there are giants ahead.
Get your slingshots ready, folks.
And giants, size ain’t everything.
On we trot.
SIXTH ROUND
Burnley 0—2 Ashington
Too many slingshots.
AFC Bournemouth 3—0 Harwich & Parkeston
Manchester City 7—0 Lye Town
Not enough slingshots.
Manchester United 1—1 Notts County (P.S.O. — 4–5)
These slingshots have not been evenly distributed.
1874 Northwich 1—3 Arsenal
Dagenham & Redbridge 1—4 Millwall
Wrexham 3—0 Aylestone Park
South Park 0—4 Folkestone Invicta
No worries, folks, you did Matt and Trey proud.
Aston Villa 3—0 Northampton Town
Oakwood 1—2 Whyteleafe
Tottenham Hotspur 3—0 Wigan Athletic
Evesham United 3—1 Bradford (Park Avenue)
Mildenhall Town 0—3 Nottingham Forest
Royal Wootton Bassett Town 0—2 Scunthorpe United
Brentford 1—3 Accrington Stanley
Eastleigh 0—4 Coventry City
Oxford United 5—2 Chipping Sodbury Town
Reading 4—1 Blackburn Rovers
Maidstone United 2—4 Barnsley
Guiseley 0—0 Stansted (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Spennymoor Town 3—1 Melton Town
Colchester United 0—2 Torquay United
Winterton Rangers 1—5 Grimsby Town
West Ham United 3—1 West Brom
St. Albans City 4—3 King’s Lynn Town
AFC Varndeanians 1—5 Brantham Athletic
They forgot their mortarboards.
Southampton 4—1 Peterborough United
Norwich City 0—2 Hull City
Yeovil Town 2—2 Liverpool (P.S.O. — 2–3)
Glasshoughton Welfare 0—5 Swansea City
Blyth Spartans 1—8 Exeter City
Everton 6—0 Dover Athletic
Quick one, that is the third time Exeter have scored eight goals in a game this tournament. Look out for ‘em.
AND THEN, there were 32.
Let’s break it down.
8 Prem sides.
6 Champo sides.
3 League One sides.
3 League Two sides.
3 National League sides.
2 National League North sides.
2 National League South sides.
1 Isthmian League Premier Division side.
1 Isthmian League South East Division side.
1 Northern Football League Division One side.
1 Southern Football League Division One South side.
1 Eastern Counties Football League Premier Division side.
There is some order there.
But we’ve already seen how it can be disturbed.
And now, the ripples in the pond will be so much bigger.
Will anyone make them?
Let’s find out.
SEVENTH ROUND (ROUND OF 32)
Aston Villa 5—0 Folkestone Invicta
Everton 4—1 Millwall
The Tim Cahill Derby’s always gonna be a good ‘un.
Manchester City 5—0 Guiseley
Ashington 0—2 Exeter City
West Ham United 7—2 Liverpool
Bit allergic to claret and blue this season aren’t we, Liverpool?
Oxford United 1—2 Southampton
Arsenal 6—1 Scunthorpe United
Spennymoor Town 1—3 Evesham United
Coventry City 1—0 Reading
Accrington Stanley 2—1 Nottingham Forest
Brantham Athletic 0—3 Notts County
AFC Bournemouth 6—0 St. Albans City
Hull City 5—1 Maidstone United
Torquay United 6—2 Wrexham
Swansea City 2—1 Grimsby Town
Tottenham Hotspur 2—0 Whyteleafe
That got serious.
Not a tonne of major upsets, in fact the bigger sides seemed to go out of their way to batter any lower-league opposition.
Credit Evesham and Accrington for overcoming their odds though, and making it to the…
Final Sixteen.
7 Prem sides. The only one knocked out last round was by another Prem side.
3 Champo sides.
2 League One sides.
1 League Two side. And they’ve been dominant as feck.
2 National League sides.
1 Southern Football League Division One South side.
Three official ‘non-league’ sides, but one is a lot more non-league than the others.
Here’s to keeping the dream alive.
Here’s to the magic of the cup.
EIGHTH ROUND (ROUND OF 16)
Manchester City 0—1 Southampton
Accrington Stanley 4—3 Coventry City
AFC Bournemouth 2—1 Swansea City
West Ham United 0—2 Arsenal
Notts County 3—3 Tottenham Hotspur (P.S.O. — 5–6)
Aston Villa 1—1 Everton (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Exeter City 0—0 Torquay United (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Hull City 4—1 Evesham United
And non-league is gone. But not without one heapin’ heck of a fight.
League One and League Two hung on to their three reps, the Champo got sliced down to one, and the Prem boasts half of the final eight.
Even after all this, everyone starting at the same time, the finish looks familiar.
But not the same.
The Grecians still have a chance, and have a track record to fear.
The Tigers are showing their teeth.
The Cherries are blossoming.
And Accrington Stanley, well, nobody’s asking who they are anymore.
The Gunners, The Saints, The Villans, and Spurs will all have one eye on the prize, but they should know they can’t look beyond the next match.
Here we go.
QUARTER-FINALS
Hull City 0—2 Southampton
Aston Villa 2—1 Accrington Stanley
And League One goes down.
AFC Bournemouth 0—0 Exeter City (P.S.O. — 7–8)
We were always gonna lose a division in this South Coast clash, and The Grecians’ form in the tourney so far proved too great.
Tottenham Hotspur 1—0 Arsenal
How about that. The derby had to happen at some point, and it was Spurs who got the better of it and went into the final four as favourites.
Fellow Premier Leaguers Aston Villa and Southampton join them, as they knock out League One to get through. The rest of the EFL sandwich filling was lost when Exeter upset The Cherries.
This is earned. Even for the Prem sides. They’ve been through just as many rounds as anyone else, and while that might still be expected of the top sides at least they weren’t given any scheduling advantage.
Exeter, and then Spurs, could have the toughest schedule at this point in the season, so Southampton and Villa could see an opening, but what will the draw say?
On we roll.
SEMI-FINALS
Aston Villa 3—1 Exeter City
Southampton 0—0 Tottenham Hotspur (P.S.O. — 6–5)
I said there was an opening.
That second semi-final was the closest shit, meng. It was decimal points, like.
Exeter couldn’t see it all the way, and Spurs succumbed, but the finalists are chosen.
Of the Premier League, Aston Villa and Southampton will clash at Wembley to see who takes home the trophy in this brand new (and incredibly exciting) format.
Let’s ‘ave a quick tale of the tape:-
SAINTS
1x Winner, 3x Runner-Up
-
2nd Round — 6–0 vs Thackley
3rd Round — 2–0 vs. Liversedge
4th Round — 4–0 vs. Fareham Town
5th Round — 2–1 vs. Birmingham City
6th Round — 4–1 vs. Peterborough United
7th Round — 2–1 vs. Oxford United
8th Round — 1–0 vs Manchester City
QF’s — 2–0 vs. Hull City
SF’s — 0–0 vs. Spurs (P.S.O. — 6–5)
They got their clean sheet mojo back in time for the final sixteen and haven’t conceded more than once in any game anyway, only failing to score more than once twice; though that has been against other Premier League opposition. Their first nine games have been impressive, but their tenth will be the most telling.
VILLANS
7x Winner, 4x Runner-Up
-
2nd Round — 3–0 vs. Melksham Town
3rd Round — 4–0 vs. Wolverhampton Sporting Community
4th Round — 2–0 vs. Worthing
5th Round — 4–1 vs. Kings Langley
6th Round — 3–0 vs. Northampton Town
7th Round — 5–0 vs. Folkestone Invicta
8th Round — 1–1 vs. Everton (P.S.O. — 5–4)
QF’s — 2–1 vs. Accrington Stanley
SF’s — 3–1 vs. Exeter City
Their clean sheet mojo may have abandoned them at the wrong time here, and against lower-league opposition, with only one of their four conceded goals coming against Prem opposition, the only time they’ve faced Prem opposition. Villa may have more appearances in finals, but Southampton have won it more recently, so Villa won’t be relying on historic glory to lift the trophy after the final.
Southampton have had the tougher journey as far as league rankings are concerned, but it doesn’t matter how you get to El Dorado, as long as you get there.
And here they are.
THE FINAL
Aston Villa 1—0 Southampton
It is an eighth FA Cup in the trophy cabinet for The Villans.
Jack Grealish lifted the mighty accomplishment aloft after a game that might have been close in the scoreline, but was not so on the pitch. Villa always seemed to be in control, scored early, and survived only a few scares to settle the tie.
I’m pretty sure Anwar El Ghazi scored the only goal of the game, and The Saints had no response to it.
Congratulations to Dean Smith, and to Aston Villa, for winning this fictional tournament. Certainly one of the highest accomplishments.
On this blog.
Not your, but My FA Cup Winners, ASTON VILLA.
And there ya have it.
Honestly, this took me feckin’ ages and the plotting wasn’t as entertaining as I thought it would be and was feckin’ annoying at points, so, all you folks at the FA, I can see why you might not wanna do this.
But then I imagine it in real life.
I imagine Warminster Town getting a visit from Manchester United because they have that chance, and then they stay in the tie! I imagine the nation falling in love with a club because of a funny name or playing style and rallying behind them, some just for an afternoon, but others, beyond that.
Fans finding a new footballing beau, witnessing the birth of a story, the advent of a player, the moment that encapsulates them, their family, their village, town, city, county, their nation.
Sure, it ended up coming down to mostly Prem sides, but it’s just the chance. The chance to go to the dance. To level that playing field a little bit more. And that’s just this year, maybe next year Esh Winning could take it all the way and live up to their name.
Hell, I could’ve turned it right around; have Prem sides play in the First Round, then add in Championship sides for Round Two, and so on, and so on, until the 26th Round sees the Stroud and District League join the fray.
Maybe that’s another tournament for another day.
Is My FA Cup realistic?
Nah, probably not. As I mentioned, I ain’t sure why it’s not, probably somet with money, but it’s not realistic.
I was adding this up in my head.
In a regular season, Accrington Stanley of League One will play an average of 57 games (46 league games, 5 EFL Trophy games, 2 EFL Cup games, and 4 FA Cup games), sometimes more, sometimes less, but that’s their average.
Liverpool, a club worth over 100 times as much, with players being paid 100 times more will play an average of 54 games (38 league, 3 EFL Cup, 3 FA Cup, 10 Champions League).
Even if Liverpool reach the finals of all their tournaments, they play 63.
Even if Accrington get knocked out in the first round of everything, they play 51.
With all their resources, the Premier League champions, at most, will have to play 12 more games than Accrington Stanley.
On average, Stanley, just up the road, are playing more.
And that’s more and more the further down the pyramid you go.
Makes sense right? The fewer your resources, the more you need to use them.
So why don’t we give Stanley a break? You might have an injury crisis, Jürgen, and you might have to fly about a bit more, but somet tells me you got what you need to deal with it. And if you don’t, you probably should.
So yeah, let’s give Stanley a break, but let’s give ’em all a break. Littleton, Wimborne Town, Rothwell Corinthians, Wroxham, Holker Old Boys, Redcar Athletic, Dobwalls, Mousehole and Cheddar, of course. All of ‘em.
Let’s give them lot a bigger slice of the pie, huh?
And let’s not stop at the tenth rung. School teams, five-a-sides, table football players, darts teams, or just you and your mates can enter. Make it an invitational, make it everyone’s cup.
If it’s for grassroots, it’s for the people.
But that’s just my FA Cup, and that’s how I’d do it.
Keep it streets ahead,
C.L.R.
