Last year, I did this.
My very own FA Cup.
It was very much like the FA Cup that exists for all of us to enjoy in the real world only there was no elitist favouritism being played to line the pockets of the already ultra-rich.
No, every single side started at the same time (more or less).
Everyone is all in.
Village green playing host to the champions of Europe.
That’s the stuff you want.
92 football league sides. 953 ‘non-league’ sides (yet they somehow all belong to a league, bar one, so there’s only one official non-league side).
All randomly drawn.
All random results (with adjusted odds).
Because why should the teams with the best chance of winning only play six games to win the cup, when some have to go through that many just to get in the competition proper. Then another eight to win the thing?
It ain’t fair and we tip the scales into everyone’s favour right here.
RULES
- With 1045 teams, forty-two randomly drawn teams will compete in the First Round to chop our selection to a nice round 1024. From there, we are all set to have everyone entered, competing in a single elimination tournament.
- From the Second Round, we will go from 1024 to 512, 512 to 256, 256 to 128, 128 to 64, 64 to 32, 32 to 16, 16 to 8, 8 to 4, 4 to 2, and 2 to 1.
- Every club has received a seed number based on their current ranking, e.g. Manchester City are #1, Liverpool #2 etc. For clubs in the same rung, they’re just in whatever order I found ’em on Wikipedia.
- From the Third Round on, seeding will be determined by the order they were drawn in the previous round. For example, if they were drawn in the first match of the Second Round and won, then they would be #1 seed for the Third Round.
- To get a result, we’ll have a random number generator from 1 to 100, and in an even game, each side would have 50 numbers that would see them win. If a Premier League side were playing a team from the North West Counties League Premier Division, the numbers would be skewed in the top flight side’s favour.
- It’s really annoying that there were twenty-one more teams than I needed. If there were 1024, we could get straight into it. But no, that’d be too easy. Not a rule, just a harsh fact.
- If I’ve made any mistakes, such as duplicate teams being entered you can feck off and put up with it; I did my best to snuff ’em out and it took me ages, so if they’ve snuck in, they deserve to be in.
Right. Let’s get to it.
FIRST ROUND
As I mentioned, this round’ll see forty-two randomly drawn teams that’ll get us scratched down to a neat 1024. Here be the ties and results.
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Guernsey 0—2 Melton Town
Haringey Borough 2—2 Bournemouth Poppies (P.S.O — 5–3)
May & Baker 4—0 Cheadle Town
St Martins 0—9 Hengrove Athletic
Spennymoor Town 3—1 Eversley & California
No law firms advancing today.
Spelthorne Sports 3—0 Romsey Town
Haughmond 4—1 Hinckley LRFC
Albion Sports 1—6 Dagenham & Redbridge
Birmingham City 1—0 Brockenhurst
Hucknall Town 6—0 Enfield Borough
Hornchurch 1—1 Stapenhill (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Trafford 0—0 AEK Boco (P.S.O. — 2–3)
Frickley Athletic 2—2 Cheltenham Town (P.S.O. — 5–4)
The first major upset is in.
Downton 1—3 Leamington
Emley 3—2 Brackley
Upsets abound already! But then you’re used to upsetting people aren’t you, EMLEY?
Infinity 1—5 Petersfield Town
Imagine playing a local derby with Infinity? And being lucky enough that they only score once…
Bradford (Park Avenue) 1—2 Cribbs
Good that Cribbs are still in. If they play at home, MTV said they’d broadcast the game.
Horsham 1—0 Histon
Wycombe Wanderers 1—0 Chippenham Town
Glossop North End 5—0 Ingle
Buckhurst Hill 1—2 Shefford Town & Campton
-
There it be. The twenty-one simulated winners of the first round will now advance to the second round, where they join what many would call a clusterfuck, but what I would call a mighty celebration of the beautiful game.
All played at the same time, on the same day.
SECOND ROUND
Are you ready for 512 match-ups? Yeah, I still am as well.
Just Ctrl+F if you just want your team, ya bastard.
-
Wokingham & Emmbrook 1—4 Bemerton Heath Harlequins
Brigg Town 3—0 Lower Breck
St. Blazey 0—6 Kidsgrove Athletic
Corsham Town 1—6 Emley
Hertford Town 7—2 Keynsham Town
Holyport 0—4 Tranmere Rovers
Armthorpe Welfare 4—1 Worcester Raiders
Northwood 0—0 Nottingham Forest (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Gloucester City 2—0 Aveley
Horndean 0—3 Reading City
Godolphin Atlantic 0—7 Gosport Borough
Sporting Club Thamesmead 5—1 Dartmouth
AFC Rushden & Diamonds 0—1 Hullbridge Sports
Cogenhoe United 2—2 Thornbury Town (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Brislington 2—0 Farsley Celtic
Portsmouth 1—0 Gateshead
Atherton Collieries 2—3 Stourport Swifts
Ware 6—2 Cadbury Heath
Bourton Rovers 1—3 Barton Town
Petersfield Town 0—5 London Lions
Stockport Town 1—5 Forest Green Rovers
AFC Fylde 2—1 Bristol Rovers
March Town United 0—5 Woodbridge Town
Kennington 4—4 Barton Rovers (P.S.O. — 0–3)
Evesham United 1—6 Nuneaton Griff
Golcar United 1—2 Sherborne Town
Weston-Super-Mare 0—2 Loughborough Dynamo
Bridlington Town 1—1 Stansfeld (P.S.O. — 2–3)
Ampthill Town 4—0 Cradley Town
Arsenal 2—0 South Liverpool
Andover New Street 3—0 Wythenshawe Amateurs
Oldham Athletic 3—1 Hungerford Town
Tonbridge Angels 2—0 Willington
Chesham United 2—0 Egham Town
Liversedge 1—6 Harefield United
Diss Town 0—5 Leicester Nirvana
That’s why it’s a ghost town.
Odd Down 1—4 Northampton Sileby Rangers
Wellingborough Whitworth 4—1 Lancing
Chipping Sodbury Town 0—1 Rotherham
Redditch United 0—6 Wrexham
Stafford Town 0—5 Cornard United
Eccleshall 3—0 Rayners Lane
Scunthorpe United 5—1Walton & Hersham
Bishop’s Stortford 3—1 Bristol Manor Farm
Shildon 4—2 Devizes Town
North Leigh 2—1 Haywards Heath
Bedworth United 1—3 Erith Town
Graham Street Prims 3—2 Ilford
Worthing 0—2 Glebe
Manchester City 1—1 Eastleigh (P.S.O. — 3–4)
OH MY SWEET ASS.
Bexhill United 1—6 Brixham
Weymouth 2—0 Luton Town
National League on a roll.
Sandbach United 5—1 Ashton United
Ryhope Colliery Welfare 3—0 Whickham
Sheffield Wednesday 2—0 Torpoint Athletic
Plymouth Argyle 5—1 Athersley Recreation
Milton United 0—2 Guiseley
Moneyfields 0—4 Billericay Town
Rushall Olympic 6—0 Alresford Town
Bishop Sutton 0—7 Abbey Hulton United
Northallerton Town 3—1 Carlisle City
Milton Keynes Irish 5—2 Amersham Town
AFC Croydon Athletic 6—1 AFC Hayes
Preston North End 0—1 Littleton
Gainsborough Trinity 0—1 Bitton
Retford 5—4 Balham
Chelmsley Town 3—1 Lutterworth Town
West Bridgford 0—5 Alfreton Town
Southport 8—0 Havant & Waterlooville
They play at the same level! There’s no need!
Kimberly Miners Welfare 8—1 Longridge Town
Didcot Town 1—0 Kent Football United
Wythenshawe Town 0—3 Honiton Town
Lordswood 1—3 Fulham
Fleet Town 2—3 Hoddesdon Town
Hall Road Rangers 0—5 Chelsea
Molesey 0—2 New Mills
Little Oakley 1—3 Woodford Town
FC Humber United 1—2 Haringey Borough
Frimley Green 1—4 Buxton
Binfield 0—2 Mousehole
Walton Casuals 5—0 Ottery St Mary
Tilbury 3—4 Wellingborough Town
Heath Hayes 1—7 Durham City
Kendal Town 0—5 Cove
Needham Market 1—4 Snodland Town
Royal Wootton Bassett Town 1—3 Mansfield Town
Dover Athletic 0—3 Ryton & Crawcrook Albion
Just ain’t no break on the South Coast.
St. Austell 0—4 Dartford
Charlton Athletic 1—2 Stanway Rovers
Cambridge City 0—7 May & Baker
Paget Rangers 5—1 Warrington Town
Dorking Wanderers 4—4 Holwell Sports (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Yaxley 2—4 Glossop North End
Scarborough Athletic 3—1 Chadderton
Wick 1—5 Slimbridge
Northampton Town 0—2 Redcar Town
Upsets are rife!
Blyth Spartans 1—4 Brandon United
Not Brandon. We can’t validate him.
AFC Aldermaston 1—5 Crediton United
AFC Varndeanians 3—1 Torquay United
Heroes of last year, on one again.
Peterborough United 4—0 Pickering Town
Mulbarton Wanderers 3—5 Liverpool
AFC Blackpool 1—5 Dulwich Hamlet
Marine 2—0 Carshalton Athletic
Squires Gate 6—3 Penrith
Sidmouth Town 7—1 Portland United
Brighouse Town 3—0 Easington Sports
Cockfosters 0—1 Ossett United
Hengrove Athletic 1—4 FC Elmstead
Watford 4—0 AFC Wimbledon
Porthleven FC 0—2 Bishops Lydeard
Downham Town 1—4 Bourne Town
Westfield 1—3 Easington Colliery
Benfleet 0—6 Ebbsfleet United
Crystal Palace 7—1 Littlehampton Town
Banbury United 4—2 Radford
Middlesbrough 4—1 Halifax Town
Newcastle United 3—0 Malvern Town
Wycombe Wanderers 5—1 Norwich United
Little Common 3—0 Ashby Ivanhoe
Park View 3—3 Clapton (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Stalybridge Celtic 0—2 Aylesbury Vale Dynamos
Athletic Newham 2—2 Westbury United (P.S.O. — 1–3)
Maidstone United 3—1 Tooting & Mitcham United
Gillingham Town 0—8 Crawley Green
Hastings United 5—2 Basildon United
Hassocks 1—0 Coventry City
It’s a massacre.
East Grinstead 0—2 Slough Town
Hereford Pegasus 6—5 Newton Abbott Spurs
Whitehawk 1—3 Lydd Town
Godmanchester Rovers 1—6 Accrington Stanley
Hackney Wick 0—2 Harwich & Parkeston
Lydney Town 1—3 Burnham
Derby County 2—0 Nostell Miners Welfare
Cinderford Town 4—1 Bishop Auckland
Market Drayton Town 6—0 Great Wakering Rovers
Worthing United 6—1 Ilkeston Town
Yeovil Town 2—1 Berks County
Cheadle Heath Nomads 1—3 Farnborough
Thame United 7—0 Hemsworth Miners Welfare
Lymington Town 2—0 Crawley Town
Brentwood Town 6—1 Bacup Borough
Heaton Stannington 0—2 Tottenham Hotspur
Rossington Main 2—6 Erith & Belvedere
Burgess Hill Town 1—6 Dagenham & Redbridge
Marske United 0—2 Tividale
West Didsbury & Chorlton 5—0 Redbridge
St. Ives Town 5—2 Brightlingsea Regent
Carlton Town 4—1 Hanwell
Wormley Rovers 0—2 Chasetown
Clifton All Whites 1—5 Blackstones
Hadleigh United 0—3 Morecambe
Deeping Rangers 2—0 Pershore Town
Ivybridge Town 2—3 Spelthorne Sports
1874 Northwich 2—0 Peterborough Sports
East Preston 0—3 Manchester United
Wolverhampton Sporting 0—0 Skegness Town (P.S.O. — 4–5)
FC Romania 1—7 Sheppey United
Liskeard Athletic 0—5 Sporting Khalsa
St. Margaretsbury 2—0 South Shields
Shortwood United 7—1 Newton Aycliffe
Holmer Green 1—3 Bolton Wanderers
Steyning Town 2—0 Eastbourne United
Frenford 4—3 Worksop Town
Corby Town 0—5 Hallam
Newport Pagnell Town 3—3 Ashton & Blackwell United (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Ascot United 1—3 Whitstable Town
St. Dennis 2—0 Seaham Red Star
Clanfield 85 2—7 Pinchbeck United
Buckingham Athletic 6—0 Thatcham Town
Punjab United 1—5 Garstang
Epsom & Ewell 3—5 Oakwood
Radstock Town 3—1 Pilkington
Shepshed Dynamo 1—2 AFC Mansfield
Shirebrook Town 3—2 Flackwell Heath
Ash United 4—1 Tow Law Town
Bilston Town 3—1 Ashton Town
Leamington 5—1 Crowborough Athletic
Staines Town 0—2 Beaconsfield Town
Cheddar 2—0 Hallen
Hamworthy United 8—0 Wroxham
Faversham Strike Force 3—1 Birtley Town
Well they are a team of… Superheroes?
FC Isle Of Man 0—2 Stoke Gabriel & Torbay Police
Must have had some dirt on the islanders.
Tooting Bec 1—6 Guisborough Town
Cray Wanderers 4—5 Hailsham Town
Wolves 3—3 Cardiff City (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Barrow Town 1—5 Kensington & Ealing Borough
Everton 4—1 Storrington
Fairford Town 3—1 Sherwood Colliery
Ipswich Wanderers 1—5 Hanley Town
Folkestone Invicta 2—5 Merthyr Town
Phoenix Sports 5—2 Basingstoke Town
Boreham Wood 0—2 Newhaven
No run this year.
Holsworthy 1—6 Tamworth
Clipstone 0—6 Wigan Athletic
Dereham Town 0—3 Hartlepool United
Hyde United 6—1 Newmarket Town
Bagshot 1—3 Mossley
Hednesford Town 0—3 Bedlington Terriers
Maldon & Tiptree 1—3 Cribbs
Another step closer to MTV returning to quality programming.
Bodmin Town 3—1 Westfields
Crawley Down Gatwick 2—3 Grantham Town
London Tigers 1—2 Cheltenham Saracens
Barnoldswick Town 0—1 Hornchurch
Kettering Town 0—0 Wolverhampton Casuals (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Stotfold 3—0 Halesowen Town
Sevenoaks Town 1—4 Croydon
Hashtag United 5—0 Exmouth Town
Halstead Town 3—3 Stratford Town (P.S.O. — 3–0)
Sleaford Town 4—2 Barkingside
Newport (IOW) 6—1 Stone Old Alleynians
Romulus 0—2 Chalfont St. Peter
Chertsey Town 4—4 Ilfracombe Town (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Hillingdon Borough 5—2 Laverstock & Ford
Reading 4—0 New Salamis
Harlow Town 5—1 Buckland Athletic
Cheshunt 1—5 Rushden & Higham United
Brantham Athletic 2—4 Whitby Town
Larkhall Athletic 0—0 United Services Portsmouth (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Southend United 2—2 Montpelier Villa (P.S.O. — 7–6)
Daisy Hill 3—2 Brimsdown
Leighton Town 3—3 East Cowes Victoria Athletic (P.S.O. — 3–1)
Shifnal Town 2—4 Whittlesey Athletic
QPR 3—1 Gresley Rovers
Leverstock Green 4—0 Forest Row
Welling United 0—2 Parkgate
Dobwalls 3—1 Winterton Rangers
Witton Albion 1—0 Carlisle United
DAMN YOU.
Tower Hamlets 2—3 Nuneaton Borough
Lichfield City 1—3 Bury Town
Kidlington 5—1 Hythe Town
Totton & Eling 1—7 Wells City
Staplehurst Monarchs 3—1 Callington Town
Tring Athletic 1—4 Torrington
Shefford Town & Campton 1—3 Horsham
Workington 1—6 Penistone Church
Birstall United 0—0 Fawley (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Bashley 6—3 Steeton
Brentford 3—0 Takeley
Raunds Town 0—2 Boston United
Felixstowe & Walton United 2—4 Horsham YMCA
Poole Town 5—1 Harborough Town
Clitheroe 5—0 Truro City
Cunning victory there.
Tuffley Rovers 3—5 Sandhurst Town
Silsden 1—3 Leeds United
Wembley 0—6 Rochdale
No home final for another year.
Langford 1—6 Wadebridge Town
Rochester United 3—3 Stafford Rangers (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Warminster Town 4—0 Long Buckby
AEK Boco 1—0 Harrogate Town
Oxford United 2—2 Bromley (P.S.O. — 8–7)
Coggeshall United 6—2 Heybridge Swifts
Thame Rangers 2—4 Consett
Broadfields United 4—1 FC Deportivo Galicia
Mile Oak 6—1 Rainworth Miners Welfare
Roffey 8—0 Amesbury Town
Ellesmere Rangers 6—0 Bedford
Cullompton Rangers 2—2 Camelford (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Biggleswade United 0—4 Alfold
St. Helens Town 5—1 Stocksbridge Park Steels
Doncaster Rovers 7—0 Sittingbourne
AFC Bridgnorth 0—3 Lakenheath
Three Bridges 0—5 Tadcaster Albion
Abbey Rangers 6—2 Harpenden Town
Sporting Bengal United 0—2 Winchester City
Sheringham 1—5 Lebeq United
Coleshill Town 1—3 Eccleshill United
Cammell Laird 0—5 Wimborne Town
Colchester United 1—5 Gillingham
Billingham Town 1—0 Bedfont & Feltham
VCD Athletic 3—5 Elburton Villa
GNG Oadby Town 0—3 Redcar Athletic
Redcar Derby incoming?
Faversham Town 0—6 Burnley
Mangotsfield United 1—5 Launceston
AFC Sudbury 2—0 Atherstone Town
Uxbridge 2—0 Morpeth Town
Plymouth Parkway 2—0 Stockton Town
Merstham 0—3 York City
Thackley 1—5 Canterbury City
Hadley 2—4 Canvey Island
Bedfont Sports 6—1 St. Andrews
FC United of Manchester 0—2 Stonehouse Town
West Brom 8—1 Chester-Le-Street Town
Banstead Athletic 1—0 Hampton & Richmond Borough
Clevedon Town 0—4 Aylesbury United
Cray Valley Paper Mills 3—6 St. Neots Town
Cleator Moor Celtic 3—1 Norwich CBS
Penryn Athletic 0—5 Northwich Victoria
Sunderland RCA 1—3 Hemel Hempstead Town
Seaford Town 1—0 Potton United
Grays Athletic 6—0 AFC Liverpool
Colliers Wood United 0—4 Burnham Ramblers
Tunbridge Wells 3—2 Eastbourne Town
Basford United 7—1 Abingdon United
Alton 1—1 Coggeshall Town (P.S.O. — 6–7)
Sheffield United 2—0 Highgate United
Metropolitan Police 0—1 Salford City
Ilkley Town 2—0 British Airways
Eynesbury Rovers 1—5 Dorchester Town
Kirby Muxloe 0—4 Leiston
Billingshurst 1—6 Blackpool
Burscough 4—0 Highworth Town
Daventry Town 1—3 North Shields
Ashton Athletic 3—1 Cleethorpes Town
AFC Totton 0—1 Sawbridgeworth Town
Shrivenham 2—2 Thetford Town (P.S.O. — 3–2)
Maine Road 0—6 Chessington & Hook United
Quorn 0—5 Westside
Westside don’t like vegans then… Hope they don’t meet Forest Green next round…
Saffron Walden Town 1—5 Newcastle Town
Darlington 0—2 Cowes Sports
Lewes 4—0 Congleton Town
Bowers & Pitsea 3—1 Woodley United
Esh Winning 3—1 Whitchurch Alport
Beckenham Town 5—3 Hamble Club
Jarrow 0—2 Bromsgrove Sporting
Redhill 4—3 Horden Community Welfare
Wisbech Town 0—4 Pontefract Collieries
Baldock Town 4—2 Long Crendon
Gorleston 2—1 Barking
Newbury Forest 3—0 Andover Town
Penzance 0—4 Blackburn Rovers
Waltham Abbey 4—5 Sutton Coldfield Town
Dunston UTS 1—0 Kingstonian
Hinckley 6—3 Washington
Frome Town 4—0 Melksham Town
Royston Town 1—6 Bristol City
Great Yarmouth Town 0—4 Sutton United
Thornaby 3—0 Badshot Lea
Lingfield 3—2 Macclesfield
Heavens.
Notts County 3—0 Moreton Rangers
Bearstead 1—2 Saffron Dynamo
King’s Lynn Town 3—3 Fleetwood Town (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Biggleswade Town 1—6 Padiham
K Sports 0—3 Newport County
Cambridge United 1—3 Norwich City
Oxhey Jets 0—0 Bristol Telephones (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Blackfield & Langley 2—0 Sunderland West End
Risborough Rangers 1—3 Malmesbury Victoria
Shaftesbury 1—0 Enfield Town
Showtime.
Peacehaven & Telscombe 0—3 Stevenage
Roman Glass St. George 1—5 Matlock Town
Hucknall Town 2—0 Okehampton Argyle
Uttoxeter Town 5—2 Harleston Town
Wednesfield 5—1 Bovey Tracey
Millbrook 1—1 Crook Town (P.S.O. — 6–7)
Robbery.
Avro 1—6 Lancaster City
OJM Black Country 2—2 Harrogate Railway Athletic (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Frickley Athletic 3—1 Wellington
Framlingham Town 4—0 Desborough Town
Newquay 4—0 City Of Liverpool
Deal Town 0—2 MK Dons
St. Albans 2—0 Alvechurch
Goole 4—3 Letchworth Garden City Eagles
Burton Park Wanderers 3—0 Kings Langley
Huntingdon Town 4—0 Stansted
Dudley Sports 1—2 FC Parson Drove
Loxwood 2—0 Cirencester Town
Barrow 0—3 Peterborough North End Sports
What is happening to Cumbria here?
Khalsa Football Federation 0—4 Abbey Hey
Warrington Rylands 1906 1—6 White Ensign
Street 5—1 Yorkshire Amateur
Sutton Athletic 2—0 Burton Albion
Alsager Town 1—2 Taunton Town
Leek Town 0—4 Barnsley
Broadbridge Heath 4—0 Heather St. John’s
Bridport 2—3 Margate
CB Hounslow United 4—6 Newent Town
Ely City 1—4 Grimsby Town
Northampton ON Chenecks 1—2 Sheerwater
Boldmere St. Michaels 5—1 Sholing
Lye Town 0—2 Ardley United
Runcorn Town 3—2 Hayes & Yeading United
West Allotment Celtic 0—4 Rugby Town
Eastwood Community 0—5 Edgware Town
University of East Anglia 6—2 Hebburn Town
That’s going on the prospectus.
Newcastle University 0—6 AFC Portchester
That’s not.
Tytherington Rocks 3—0 Colne
Holland 1—5 Langley
I made the Netherlands jokes last year, but seriously, well done to Langley for holding off one-sixth of an entire nation.
Sunderland 3—0 Meridian VP
Haughmond 0—2 Boston Town
Longwell Green Sports 2—4 Helston Athletic
Chatham Town 0—0 Harrowby United (P.S.O. — 12–11)
Plymouth Marjon 0—2 Bewdley Town
Wivenhoe Town 8—0 Sticker
Lincoln United 1—0 Leatherhead
Ashford United 0—2 Bideford
Wantage Town 1—3 Ipswich Town
Hendon 3—2 Ramsbottom United
Billingham Synthonia 0—2 Coventry Sphinx
This whole fixture sounds like the best band name.
Bradford Town 1—4 Aston Villa
Last year’s winners marching on.
Stowmarket Town 0—3 Rocester
Millwall 2—0 Brighton & Hove Albion
Fleet Spurs 2—0 Shepton Mallet
Camberley Town 2—0 Exeter City
Good run last year, but this year ain’t last year. (Sounded better in my head).
Saltash United 3—1 Runcorn Linnets
West Essex 6—2 Maltby Main
Bedford Town 6—5 Chelmsford City
Belper Town 0—6 Hanworth Villa
West Auckland Town 1—5 Godalming Town
North Ferriby 3—3 Litherland REMYCA (P.S.O. — 4–3)
North Ferriby are my pick to win the whole thing.
Wingate & Finchley 0—4 Lewisham Borough
Hilltop 1—7 Hythe & Dibden
Glasshoughton Welfare 0—5 Lincoln City
Barnstaple Town 0—4 Oxford City
Long Eaton United 2—0 Elmore
Aylestone Park 4—1 AFC Uckfield Town
Dammit, the team with the funniest potential misspelling goes out.
Boldon Community Association 5—1 London Samurai Rovers
That’s just a shame.
Holbeach United 2—6 Campion
Guildford City 2—0 Swallownest
North Greenford United 0—0 Stourbridge (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Whitton United 2—0 Bury AFC
Pagham 0—6 Hollands & Blair
Arlesey Town 2—0 Paulton Rovers
Maidenhead United 4—4 Newark (P.S.O. — 3–4)
AFC Dunstable 0—0 Swansea City (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Midhurst & Easebourne 7—1 Bishop’s Cleeve
Chester 0—3 Studley
Hereford Lads Club 1—0 Kidderminster Harriers
The lads will only a real-life run for The Harriers.
Verwood Town 2—0 Chalvey Sports
AFC Darwen 4—2 Bamber Bridge
Curzon Ashton 0—1 Southend Manor
Haverhill Borough 7—1 Ramsgate
Jersey Bulls 1—4 Walthamstow
Bracknell Town 5—0 Sheffield
Braintree Town 3—1 Virginia Water
Harrow Borough 6—1 Heanor Town
Soham Town Rangers 1—6 Farnham Town
Larkfield & New Hythe Wanderers 3—6 Dunkirk
Potters Bar Town 0—7 Stoke City
Dunstable Town 4—2 Widnes
Crewe Alexandra 6—0 Irlam
Ollerton Town 1—1 Port Vale (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Oldland Abbotonians 0—5 Axminster Town
Ashington 6—0 Portishead Town
Lowestoft Town 0—2 Mildenhall Town
Chesterfield 4—0 Cobham
Charnock Richard 3—1 Falmouth Town
Hereford 3—3 New Milton Town (P.S.O. — 3–2)
Arundel 1—1 Teversal (P.S.O. — 8–9)
Staveley Miners Welfare 1—3 Bootle
Loughborough University 1—6 Chipstead
Spalding United 5—2 Tadley Calleva
Handsworth 1—5 Birmingham City
Spennymoor Town 3—0 FC Stratford
Herne Bay 5—0 Ashford Town
Coalville Town 0—3 Chichester City
Leicester City 5—1 Concord Rangers
Mickleover 7—1 Brimscombe and Thrupp
East Thurrock United 1—3 Horley Town
Romford 0—5 AFC Wulfrunians
Enfield 1—7 Wincanton Town
Gedling Miners Welfare 5—2 Fareham Town
Selston 6—2 Witham Town
Debenham LC 2—3 Garforth Town
Bognor Regis 0—2 Newcastle Benfield
Irchester United 6—1 Tiverton Town
Woking 2—0 Worsborough Bridge Athletic
Greenways 5—2 Haverhill Rovers
South Park 1—3 Kirkley & Pakefield
Blyth Town 1—4 Shawbury United
Longlevens 1—0 Baffins Milton Rovers
Wealdstone 2—3 Winsford United
Barwell 5—1 Forest Hill Park
Shrewsbury Town 2—0 Grimsby Borough
Knaphill 6—0 Wendron United
Holker Old Boys 1—8 Sutton Common Rovers
Bath City 2—0 Rusthall
Bottesford Town 0—3 Welton Rovers
Aldershot 1—3 Yate Town
Kempston Rovers 0—1 London Colney
Hartley Wintney 2—0 Calne Town
Dudley Town 4—1 AFC Stoneham
Biggleswade Town 4—0 Walsham-le-Willows
Fakenham Town 1—5 Colney Heath
Huddersfield Town 2—1 Bradford City
Melton Town 1—4 Corinthian Casuals
Welwyn Garden City 0—4 Barnet
FC Clacton 0—3 Solihull Moors
Worcester City 5—0 Winslow United
Altrincham 0—2 Leyton Orient
Windsor 1—6 Darlaston Town 1874
Brocton 1—6 West Ham United
Racing Club Warwick 2—0 Ringwood Town
Fisher 5—0 Whitley Bay
Vauxhall Motors 1—7 Corinthian
Eastbourne Borough 1—0 Swindon Town
Penn & Tylers Green 5—1 Knaresborough Town
Coventry Copsewood 0—7 Raynes Park Vale
Bugbrooke St. Michaels 5—5 Tavistock (P.S.O. — 5–6)
Torridgeside 3—0 Millbrook
Prestwich Heys 5—1 Wisbech St. Mary
Stamford 0—2 Hitchin Town
Anstey Nomads 0—2 Bridon Ropes
Swindon Supermarine 1—3 Saltdean United
Borrowash Victoria 6—3 Willand Rovers
Southall 1—4 Stockport County
Berkhamsted 0—5 Lutterworth Athletic
Long Melford 0—3 Chorley
Salisbury 0—0 Belper United (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Atherton LR 2—0 Bournemouth
Oh my.
Radcliffe 4 —8 Prescot Cables
Swaffham Town 0—0 Walsall (P.S.O. — 7–8)
Selby Town 0—5 Whitchurch United
Nantwich Town 5—1 Folland Sports
Hull City 3—1 Welling Town
Selsey 2—0 Coventry United
Dronfield Town 3—6 Holmesdale
St. Panteleimon 1—5 Nelston
Walsall Wood 2—6 Telford United
Shoreham 2—8 Rothwell Corinthians
Bridgwater United 0—4 Marlow
Barnton 2—0 Skelmersdale United
Southampton 6—0 Wallingford Town
Last season’s beaten finalists the final of the 512 to advance.
Good heavens to Betsy’s bitter butter. That was a lot to take in.
Let’s have a swift recap.
Surely the biggest news is that champions of England, the mighty Manchester City, have tasted dust at the hands of Eastleigh from the National League. But they’re not the only Premier League side to fall at the first hurdle, with Wolves being bettered by Championship side Cardiff, and… That’s it. Eighteen top flight sides remain, but that does not mean it was a round devoid of upsets!
Preston, Dover, Carlisle, and many others have also been found weeping in the dressing room at full time, and doesn’t their sacrifice in defeat just make the rest of the tournament so much more interesting?
Well let’s see.
512 remain for Round Three, let’s get to it.
Premier League clubs taken out by those in the top five tiers, will we see those from further down stake their claim with a scalp?
Will Bill from down The Dog & Violin neck fourteen pints in an hour before playing centre-mid against Norwich?
Hope so.
THIRD ROUND
Place your bets, folks.
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Tunbridge Wells 0—3 Redcar Town
Hornchurch 5—0 London Colney
Chessington & Hook United 6—1 Mile Oak
Braintree Town 0—2 Dagenham & Redbridge
Wellingborough Whitworth 7—1 Loughborough Dynamo
Wigan Athletic 3—0 Dudley Town
Brandon United 0—1 Paget Rangers
Thank you, Paget.
Hemel Hempstead Town 0—8 Lancaster City
Woking 0—0 Buxton (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Grimsby Town 1—3 AFC Mansfield
Dunkirk 2—2 Gillingham (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Gorleston 2—2 Long Eaton United (P.S.O. — 7–6)
Bracknell Town 4—1 Barton Rovers
Rochdale 5—1 AEK Boco
Leicester City 4—0 Squires Gate
St. Neots Town 1—6 Abbey Hey
Erith Town 5—1 Leicester Nirvana
Barnet 4—4 Loxwood (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Arsenal 6—0 Abbey Hulton United
Weymouth 0—2 Swansea City
Framlingham Town 3—1 Cribbs
And just like that, MTV have pulled out of the deal.
Aylesbury United 0—2 Tottenham Hotspur
Aylestone Park 0—1 Bourne Town
Retford 1—4 Raynes Park Vale
Hassocks 3—0 Newport (IOW)
St. Margaretsbury 3—0 Bromsgrove Sporting
Sheerwater 1—0 Tividale
Rushall Olympic 3—2 Oakwood
Northampton Sileby Rangers 0—4 Haringey Borough
Frenford 0—3 Steyning Town
White Ensign 2—2 Yeovil Town (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Newport Pagnell Town 1—2 Newcastle Town
Crystal Palace 3—1 Hailsham Town
Broadbridge Heath 2—6 Crewe Alexandra
Doncaster Rovers 0—0 Easington Colliery (P.S.O. — 3–0)
Staplehurst Monarchs 0—3 St. Ives Town
Whitton United 2—4 Lydd Town
Shildon 3—1 Atherton LR
Newport County 5—0 Winsford United
Plymouth Argyle 0—2 Barnsley
Eastbourne Borough 1—3 Leyton Orient
Warminster Town 1—1 Garforth Town (P.S.O. — 5–6)
AFC Fylde 0—2 Hartley Wintney
St. Albans 0—3 Burnley
Studley 6—3 Coggeshall Town
Emley 1—4 Didcot Town
Cleator Moor Celtic 2—1 Alfreton Town
Sandbach United 4—1 Baldock Town
Fleet Spurs 2—8 Torrington
Esh Winning 2—3 Teversal
Lymington Town 0—5 Cove
Sandhurst Town 5—1 Brislington
Herne Bay 1—4 Stonehouse Town
Brighouse Town 0—7 Derby County
Bilston Town 0—0 Notts County (P.S.O. — 5–6)
North Leigh 2—0 Chipstead
Bedford Town 1—8 Reading
Brixham 2—0 Bridon Ropes
Edgware Town 1—5 Colney Heath
Mansfield Town 6—0 Rushden & Higham United
Grantham Town 1—4 Westbury United
Watford 2—0 King’s Lynn Town
Fulham 2—0 Nuneaton Borough
Uxbridge 6—0 Roffey
Wells City 2—5 Mickleover
Honiton Town 3—0 Sidmouth Town
Peterborough North End Sports 1—5 Newcastle United
Ash United 1—3 Glebe
North Shields 4—1 Launceston
Hollands & Blair 5—0 Leighton Town
Guiseley 3—0 Abbey Rangers
Little Common 2—5 AFC Croydon Athletic
Hartlepool United 4—1 Camberley Town
Canterbury City 5—0 Tadcaster Albion
Tytherington Rocks 4—4 Whitstable Town (P.S.O. — 7–6)
Crediton United 4—0 Chelmsley Town
Arlesey Town 1—6 Sporting Club Thamesmead
Witton Albion 3—2 Godalming Town
Phoenix Sports 1—5 Hendon
North Ferriby 6—1 Stotfold
My pick doing alright.
Bootle 1—2 Basford United
Slimbridge 4—3 Ryhope Colliery Welfare
AFC Wulfrunians 1—2 Bristol City
Bemerton Heath Harlequins 0—2 Redcar Athletic
Graham Street Prims 1—4 Nelston
Campion 8—0 Ossett United
Nantwich Town 1—1 Hertford Town (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Burton Park Wanderers 1—5 Selsey
Padiham 2—2 Margate (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Lutterworth Athletic 1—4 Mildenhall Town
Kimberly Miners Welfare 2—1 Newquay
Elburton Villa 0—2 Hanworth Villa
What a fancy match this was. Sounds like they all played in tuxes.
QPR 3—0 Ardley United
Bishop’s Cleeve 2—4 Mousehole
Burnham 3—3 Maidstone United (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Skegness Town 3—0 Sutton Coldfield Town
Axminster Town 3—2 Saffron Dynamo
Lebeq United 1—6 Sherborne Town
Eastleigh 1—3 Clitheroe
The giant killers have been giant killed.
Snodland Town 0—4 Walsall
Beckenham Town 1—7 Boston United
Stevenage 3—3 Glossop North End (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Durham City 1—5 Blackpool
Walthamstow 2—1 Walton Casuals
Consett 1—3 Deeping Rangers
Woodbridge Town 1—6 Hamworthy United
Barton Town 0—1 Whittlesey Athletic
Armthorpe Welfare 5—1 Racing Club Warwick
Chorley 1—3 Ware
Shrewsbury Town 3—0 Rocester
Frickley Athletic 0—4 Hull City
Uttoxeter Town 0—2 Billericay Town
Stanway Rovers 1—5 Brigg Town
Corinthian 3—3 Bowers & Pitsea (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Blackstones 4—2 Horsham
Leverstock Green 2—4 Harrow Borough
Tavistock 0—2 Street
West Didsbury & Chorlton 3—4 Hyde United
Cheltenham Saracens 0—1 Redhill
Ashton Athletic 4—1 Goole
Worthing United 0—4 University of East Anglia
Sheffield United 3—1 Broadfields United
Lincoln United 1—1 Nottingham Forest (P.S.O. — 6–5)
Sick of living in that Lincoln shadow, United come bursting forth.
Millwall 5—0 Belper United
Hereford Pegasus 7—2 Seaford Town
Reading City 5—1 Cinderford Town
Camelford 0—4 FC Elmstead
Newent Town 7—1 Northallerton Town
Horley Town 2—3 Kirkley & Pakefield
Solihull Moors 2—0 Eccleshall
May & Baker 0—3 Sutton United
Lingfield 0—5 Dunston UTS
Grays Athletic 1—3 Dunstable Town
Wivenhoe Town 6—2 Harwich & Parkeston
St. Helens Town 1—4 MK Dons
Horsham YMCA 3—3 Langley (P.S.O. — 7–8)
Torridgeside 2—0 Kettering Town
Stansfeld 0—4 Everton
Coggeshall United 2—3 Hitchin Town
Coventry Sphinx 0—3 Hastings United
Chelsea 2—0 Matlock Town
Runcorn Town 0—3 Thornbury Town
Chichester City 1—2 Sawbridgeworth Town
Milton Keynes Irish 4—4 Verwood Town (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Hereford Lads Club 6—1 Bitton
Wrexham 0—3 Cornard United
Hollywood down! Hollywood down!
Bolton Wanderers 4—0 Shortwood United
Stoke City 3—1 Sleaford Town
Brentwood Town 3—1 Farnborough
Lewes 0—1 Crawley Green
Helston Athletic 2—0 Kensington & Ealing Borough
Borrowash Victoria 4—0 Cowes Sports
Barwell 2—4 Haverhill Borough
Hereford 1—2 New Mills
Penistone Church 0—7 Dobwalls
Nuneaton Griff 7—2 Garstang
Frome Town 0—4 Shawbury United
Bury Town 0—2 Telford United
Sunderland 3—2 Andover New Street
Norwich City 5—1 Welton Rovers
Lincoln City 2—0 Plymouth Parkway
Kidlington 1—5 Bishop’s Stortford
Wellingborough Town 1—1 West Ham United (P.S.O. — 3–4)
Southend United 0—2 Southport
Penn & Tylers Green 1—1 Gosport Borough (P.S.O. — 3–0)
Thame United 1—7 Merthyr Town
Holmesdale 1—5 Yate Town
Burscough 5—0 Marlow
Aston Villa 3—0 Chasetown
Ilkley Town 1—6 Bishops Lydeard
Canvey Island 3—1 Alfold
Peterborough United 4—0 Prestwich Heys
Slough Town 2—0 Ipswich Town
We cannot have this town thinking it’s valuable. Luckily, they only beat Ipswich.
Portsmouth 2—1 Guisborough Town
London Lions 1—6 Fairford Town
York City 1—3 Wycombe Wanderers
Pinchbeck United 0—0 Stoke Gabriel & Torbay Police (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Lakenheath 2—0 Scunthorpe United
Does the misery know no end?
Dorchester Town 2—5 Cheddar
Winchester City 5—0 Banbury United
Wimborne Town 0—3 Bideford
Irchester United 0—0 Hucknall Town (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Mick would be ever so disappointed.
Tamworth 0—8 Manchester United
Kidsgrove Athletic 0—6 AFC Sudbury
Leeds United 2—1 AFC Darwen
Northwich Victoria 1—0 Whitchurch United
Radstock Town 0—6 Southampton
Bewdley Town 5—1 Westside
Cardiff City 3—0 Bedlington Terriers
Greenways 1—2 Daisy Hill
Blackburn Rovers 7—0 Hythe & Dibden
Spelthorne Sports 1—3 Middlesbrough
Oxhey Jets 0—2 Rochester United
Not a bad result after travelling over from New York.
Mossley 0—1 Oldham Athletic
Scarborough Athletic 1—4 Tranmere Rovers
Littleton 3—4 Charnock Richard
Salford City 4—1 Hinckley
Sheffield Wednesday 6—0 Malmesbury Victoria
Selston 2—1 Leiston
Poole Town 2—0 Worcester City
Chertsey Town 3—2 Chatham Town
Aylesbury Vale Dynamos 0—5 Spennymoor Town
Hashtag United 1—3 Knaphill
Stourport Swifts 7—0 Newark
Not a good result after travelling all the way from New Jersey.
Eccleshill United 0—3 Harefield United
Saltdean United 2—1 Parkgate
Longlevens 1—5 Lewisham Borough
Hanley Town 6—3 1874 Northwich
Sheppey United 2—4 Thornaby
Stockport County 7—1 Leamington
Hallam 0—1 Hillingdon Borough
Birmingham City 3—1 OJM Black Country
DERBY DERBY DERBY
Huntingdon Town 1—7 Accrington Stanley
Sporting Khalsa 0—1 Forest Green Rovers
Wadebridge Town 5—0 Whitby Town
Gloucester City 4—0 Rothwell Corinthians
Rugby Town 0—7 Newbury Forest
Stourbridge 3—1 Burnham Ramblers
Market Drayton Town 4—0 Newhaven
Harlow Town 6—2 Beaconsfield Town
AFC Varndeanians 1—8 Pontefract Collieries
Well that’ll stop another run. No wonder Pontefract’s nickname is ‘The Constipators’.
Billingham Town 6—4 Croydon
Blackfield & Langley 0—5 Brentford
Chesham United 4—0 Boston Town
Bodmin Town 0—3 Bath City
Sutton Common Rovers 3—3 Ampthill Town (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Corinthian Casuals 3—4 Marine
Chesterfield 3—1 Ellesmere Rangers
Fisher 6—0 Holwell Sports
Spalding United 5—1 Woodford Town
St. Dennis 1—0 Bedfont Sports
I like to picture that town from Red Dead Redemption 2. I hope they win.
Farnham Town 0—1 Ashington
Prescot Cables 0—2 Wednesfield
Taunton Town 0—0 Biggleswade Town (P.S.O. — 8–9)
Sutton Athletic 2—3 Hoddesdon Town
Chalfont St. Peter 2—2 Boldmere St. Michaels (P.S.O. — 4–5)
Saltash United 2—0 Crook Town
Rotherham 6—1 Tonbridge Angels
Ryton & Crawcrook Albion 1—9 Huddersfield Town
Darlaston Town 1874 0—5 Oxford City
West Brom 4—0 Newcastle Benfield
Birstall United 2—0 Erith & Belvedere
AFC Portchester 2—3 Hullbridge Sports
Gedling Miners Welfare 5—2 Banstead Athletic
Faversham Strike Force 2—6 Boldon Community Association
Such a loss.
Barnton 1—4 Liverpool
Bashley 3—1 Guildford City
Clapton 1—6 West Essex
Ebbsfleet United 1—5 Dartford
Shaftesbury 0—1 Southend Manor
Shrivenham 6—3 Ollerton Town
FC Parson Drove 8—0 United Services Portsmouth
Carlton Town 1—1 Buckingham Athletic (P.S.O. — 3–5)
Oxford United 1—4 Morecambe
Stratford Town 2—0 Dulwich Hamlet
Shirebrook Town 4—1 Wincanton Town
I must say, those sides from the top four tiers seem to committing themselves terribly well. Unless they come up another side from the top four of course, but then we’re always gonna lose one so we can’t count them.
I did not witness one top flight side hit the bricks but there were notable upsets in the favour of Lincoln United as they saw off Nottingham Forest, Glossop North End as they submitted Stevenage, Slough and their highest point ever as a town by defeating Ipswich, and Cornard as they sent Wrexham back to Hollywood via North Wales. Not to mention Lakenheath joining in on the trend of beating Scunthorpe.
There does seem to be a few derbies setting themselves up… If the cards fall right of course… Could we see a devastating Redcar Rut? How about a Newcastle Hassle? Or a Mansfield Melee?
That’s the hope.
Even though plenty of big sides remain, plenty of lil’ fish do too. And in this final 256, they’re essentially in the top quarter of the tournament.
Which sounds good.
FOURTH ROUND
256 remain, roughly a quarter of the original field. Let’s half that mother.
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Cheddar 1—5 Wellingborough Whitworth
Not Cheddar!
Barnet 8—0 Lydd Town
Swiftly put a Lydd on that.
Walsall 2—0 Mansfield Town
Well there goes one derby.
Slimbridge 5—2 Skegness Town
Telford United 1—4 Maidstone United
Solihull Moors 2—2 Oldham Athletic (P.S.O. — 6–5)
Chertsey Town 1—5 Peterborough United
Poole Town 0—8 University of East Anglia
Tranmere Rovers 3—0 Lincoln United
Westbury United 2—0 Wivenhoe Town
Langley 6—1 Hollands & Blair
Raynes Park Vale 1—6 West Ham United
Brixham 2—4 FC Elmstead
Southport 1—3 Charnock Richard
Street 1—5 Redcar Town
Accrington Stanley 4—4 Southend Manor (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Bishops Lydeard 3—3 New Mills (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Market Drayton Town 3—1 Padiham
Millwall 3—0 Teversal
Reading 4—0 Thornaby
Hullbridge Sports 1—5 Chesterfield
Gillingham 3—3 Arsenal (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Shock, shock. Horror, horror.
Yeovil Town 0—6 Sutton United
Lakenheath 0—4 Irchester United
Ampthill Town 0—2 Sheffield Wednesday
Shrewsbury Town 3—1 Uxbridge
Chelsea 0—1 Merthyr Town
Holy Moses. Like flies they drop.
Rochester United 1—7 Wycombe Wanderers
At least they didn’t have to cross the Atlantic to get battered.
Watford 4—2 Buckingham Athletic
Guiseley 2—1 Boston United
Hanley Town 1—5 Blackstones
Crystal Palace 0—2 Manchester United
Harrow Borough 0—3 Gloucester City
West Essex 0—1 FC Parson Drove
Saltdean United 1—3 Newport County
Rochdale 5—0 Bashley
There goes Bobby Lashley’s team.
Winchester City 8—2 Honiton Town
North Leigh 0—1 Crawley Green
Paget Rangers 5—1 Clitheroe
The giant killer of the giant killers have been regular killed.
Hastings United 3—4 Bolton Wanderers
Birmingham City 1—4 Brentford
Hanworth Villa 6—3 Birstall United
Stratford Town 0—4 AFC Mansfield
Newcastle Town 0—2 Leeds United
Mickleover 0—4 Steyning Town
Doncaster Rovers 4—0 St. Margaretsbury
Sheffield United 3—2 Ware
Hillingdon Borough 2—6 Newent Town
Southampton 2—1 Hitchin Town
Determined to reach another final, despite scares…
Bracknell Town 6—0 Cove
Stourbridge 0—1 Ashington
Redhill 2—3 Redcar Athletic
Yate Town 2—2 St. Dennis (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Dang. Later, Arthur Morgan.
Chessington & Hook United 0—3 Bath City
Sandhurst Town 2—0 Nuneaton Griff
Hoddesdon Town 1—6 Aston Villa
Garforth Town 1—3 Leicester City
Bourne Town 1—3 Bowers & Pitsea
Deeping Rangers 2—3 Cornard United
West Brom 2—0 Salford City
Cardiff City 6—1 Dartford
Rotherham 2—3 Wigan Athletic
The true kings of League One can be determined… Nah, that should really be in the league.
Stockport County 5—0 Studley
Sawbridgeworth Town 1—3 Stoke City
Hamworthy United 0—3 St. Ives Town
Shawbury United 4—0 Slough Town
Cleator Moor Celtic 0—7 Stourport Swifts
Cumbria’s last hope gone?
Bewdley Town 6—1 Didcot Town
Harlow Town 0—2 Biggleswade Town
Borrowash Victoria 6—3 Fairford Town
Hartlepool United 4—1 Canterbury City
Forest Green Rovers 3—3 Saltash United (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Fisher 1—7 Newbury Forest
Northwich Victoria 1—2 Glebe
Haverhill Borough 7—4 Basford United
Newcastle United 1—0 Knaphill
Leyton Orient 3—0 Daisy Hill
Pushin’ ’em up.
Lancaster City 1—3 Harefield United
Canvey Island 3—0 Hereford Lads Club
Morecambe 7—0 Kirkley & Pakefield
Notts County 1—2 Gedling Miners Welfare
Looking after themselves.
Campion 2—1 Walthamstow
Selsey 0—7 Sunderland
Sheerwater 1—6 Reading City
Gorleston 6—0 Boldmere St. Michaels
Nelston 2—0 Woking
Liverpool 2—0 AFC Sudbury
Abbey Hey 2—2 Bishop’s Stortford (P.S.O. — 3–1)
Burnley 5—1 Crediton United
Billericay Town 1—5 Crewe Alexandra
Ashton Athletic 0—5 Blackburn Rovers
Billingham Town 6—2 Wadebridge Town
Portsmouth 3—0 Glossop North End
Sherborne Town 1—3 Middlesbrough
Marine 2—0 Pontefract Collieries
MK Dons 1—7 Huddersfield Town
Colney Heath 6—1 Kimberly Miners Welfare
Not looking after themselves.
Chesham United 2—4 Verwood United
Mousehole 1—2 Barnsley
Hartley Wintney 0—7 Mildenhall Town
Sporting Club Thamesmead 1—3 Torrington
Hull City 1—0 Shrivenham
Dagenham & Redbridge 1—1 Rushall Olympic (P.S.O. — 6–5)
Selston 1—0 North Ferriby
First my favourite and now my pick? Bad round for me.
Derby County 3—1 Axminster Town
Hendon 1—0 Dunston UTS
Spennymoor Town 3—0 Brentwood Town
Hyde United 2—6 Lewisham Borough
Torridgeside 1—2 Wednesfield
Dunstable Town 0—2 Norwich City
Brigg Town 0—1 Whittlesey Athletic
Bristol City 1—3 Oxford City
Haringey Borough 1—5 Sandbach United
Fulham 1—4 Blackpool
Everton 5—0 Hereford Pegasus
Burscough 1—6 Thornbury Town
Helston Athletic 1—5 AFC Croydon Athletic
Hertford Town 2—0 Boldon Community Association
Hassocks 2—3 Hornchurch
Witton Albion 0—4 Lincoln City
QPR 3—0 Shildon
Armthorpe Welfare 2—2 Tottenham Hotspur (P.S.O. — 2–3)
You just know Eric ‘Fucking’ Dier had a bad game then scored the winning penalty.
Tytherington Rocks 2—2 Bideford (P.S.O. — 9–10)
North Shields 0—0 Framlingham Town (P.S.O. — 5–4)
Shirebrook Town 7—3 Erith Town
Dobwalls 6—0 Stoke Gabriel & Torbay Police
Penn & Tylers Green 5—1 Stonehouse Town
Swansea City 3—1 Spalding United
I’m gonna wait on the derbies. I’m sure they’re just saving the Redcar Rut for the final.
Instead, this was a round of pulling rank. Those sides that had provided previous upsets were dealt with, put a stop to, neutralised. By and large.
But that didn’t stop Gillingham of League One taking out Premier League Arsenal! Or Charnock Richard seeing off Southport! Go on, Dick.
And then there’s Merthyr Town. A team known as The Martyrs knocked out Chelsea. And we thank them for their sacrifice.
Crystal Palace were the only other Prem side to go down, leaving us with 15, but I gots to give a sweet shout-out to Gedling Miners Welfare and their dismantling of Notts County. Always like to see the kids doing well.
FIFTH ROUND
128 remain. Imagine what it means to some of these sides. Even a chance at the final 64… So close, yet still seven matches from the final. One step at a time…
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Stockport County 2—0 Crewe Alexandra
Steyning Town 7—0 Bowers & Pitsea
Haverhill Borough 0—3 Tranmere Rovers
QPR 2—2 Market Drayton Town (P.S.O. — 6–5)
Torrington 1—1 Newport County (P.S.O. — 4–3)
My word.
Manchester United 1—3 Accrington Stanley
You love to see it.
Glebe 2—1 Spennymoor Town
Sheffield Wednesday 6—0 Blackstones
Penn & Tylers Green 2—1 Solihull Moors
No half-measures this round.
Aston Villa 2—2 Rochdale (P.S.O. — 4–5)
DEFENDING CHAMPIONS OUT, I REPEAT, DEFENDING CHAMPIONS OUT
Hartlepool United 8—1 Reading City
West Ham United 2—1 Chesterfield
Guiseley 0—2 Gedling Miners Welfare
It’s all gaan down.
Lincoln City 5—0 Ashington
Wycombe Wanderers 3—1 Westbury United
Hornchurch 1—3 Gillingham
St. Ives Town 6—2 Abbey Hey
Gorleston 0—2 Morecambe
Redcar Town 0—6 West Brom
AFC Mansfield 1—5 Watford
Bolton Wanderers 2—0 Shawbury United
Sandbach United 1—3 Liverpool
Wednesfield 4—0 Hertford Town
Harefield United 1—4 Blackburn Rovers
Campion 0—2 Barnet
FC Elmstead 3—5 Langley
FC Parson Drove 6—1 Newent Town
Bracknell Town 1—3 Doncaster Rovers
Nelston 2—3 Crawley Green
North Shields 1—3 Reading
Everton 2—2 Winchester City (P.S.O. — 3–1)
Biggleswade Town 1—4 Canvey Island
Sheffield United 1—2 Brentford
Shrewsbury Town 2—0 Huddersfield Town
Tottenham Hotspur 4—0 Sutton United
Bishops Lydeard 1—2 Millwall
Cardiff City 3—0 Colney Heath
Walsall 2—3 Hanworth Villa
Bajaysus.
Hendon 6—0 Whittlesey Athletic
Yate Town 0—2 Gloucester City
Stoke City 2—1 Forest Green Rovers
Thornbury Town 1—6 Charnock Richard
Dagenham & Redbridge 8—2 Redcar Athletic
Wellingborough Whitworth 1—0 Verwood United
Leeds United 2—0 Merthyr Town
Burnley 1—4 Southampton
Defending runners-up through…
Bath City 0—6 Derby County
Middlesbrough 4—0 Lewisham Borough
Irchester United 0—0 Paget Rangers (P.S.O. — 5–4)
And what kind of reward is that for ridding the world of Brandon for another year?
Mildenhall Town 2—5 AFC Croydon Athletic
Leicester City 1—4 Norwich City
Cornard United 8—0 Stourport Swifts
Hold the phone… These guys have got somet about ‘em…
Swansea City 3—2 Sandhurst Town
Maidstone United 2—0 Barnsley
Slimbridge 1—2 Wigan Athletic
Blackpool 3—1 Newcastle United
Billingham Town 1—1 Portsmouth (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Bideford 2—1 University of East Anglia
Oxford City 1—2 Marine
Peterborough United 1—3 Leyton Orient
Newbury Forest 3—3 Dobwalls (P.S.O. — 5–6)
Selston 1—7 Hull City
Sunderland 3—0 Borrowash Victoria
Bewdley Town 0—0 Shirebrook Town (P.S.O. — 6–5)
You thought the big boys were gonna step it up here? Well the legs on them little boys have proven just as capable.
Prem sides have gone down, EFL sides have been laid to one side, those with the National League label have tasted defeat — the stories are numerous!
Man U have been done by Stanley, the Redcar derby’s off, Villa are down! That’s ‘Villa’ as in the defending champions, not Hanworth Villa, ‘cos they’ve just gone and taken down Walsall! Well on their way.
Also… Gedling have done it again… Dark horse? ‘Cos of the coal probably.
Let’s do the maths for the rest of the field.
Of the 92 Prem and EFL sides that began the tournament, 36 remain, meaning 56 have been done in.
Of those 36, nine are from the top flight (eleven down), thirteen are from the Championship (eleven down), ten are from League One (fourteen down), and four are from League Two (twenty down).
Of the remaining 28, just four are from the National League, or their North and South feeders, two from the National League proper and then two from the Southern denomination.
That leaves 24 from rung seven and below. Plenty of opportunity for a lil’ guy to prove that it ain’t punching above your weight if y’all weigh the same.
SIXTH ROUND
We’re guaranteed new champions. Who’s gonna excite themselves through? And who’s gonna excite themselves right outta the competition?
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Leyton Orient 8—0 Stockport County
Be wary about getting promoted, Stockport.
Glebe 0—2 Hartlepool United
St. Ives Town 0—5 West Ham United
FC Parson Drove 4—3 Hanworth Villa
Barnet 4—1 Langley
Lincoln City 1—3 Bolton Wanderers
Swansea City 3—0 Steyning Town
Penn & Tylers Green 1—0 Norwich City
They’ve done it again.
Accrington Stanley 7—0 Crawley Green
Stoke City 3—1 Tranmere Rovers
Billingham Town 2—3 Irchester United
Brentford 0—3 Blackpool
Collecting scalps at this point.
Gloucester City 0—3 Reading
Wednesfield 1—7 West Brom
Wigan Athletic 0—0 QPR (P.S.O. — 7–6)
Gillingham 1—5 Blackburn Rovers
Southampton 6—0 Bewdley Town
They don’t want no second place.
Wellingborough Whitworth 2—0 Derby County
These teams are not playing. They’re winning.
Morecambe 7—0 Cornard United
I retract my previous statement about Cornard.
Sunderland 2—5 Sheffield Wednesday
Hendon 6—1 Bideford
Leeds United 5—0 Torrington
Dagenham & Redbridge 0—2 Doncaster Rovers
Everton 1—3 Liverpool
What a treat.
Canvey Island 1—2 Wycombe Wanderers
Tottenham Hotspur 3—2 Watford
Cardiff City 2—2 Charnock Richard (P.S.O. — 3–5)
AFC Croydon Athletic 4—5 Marine
Middlesbrough 5—1 Millwall
Maidstone United 0—4 Dobwalls
I don’t even know where this is.
Gedling Miners Welfare 1—3 Shrewsbury Town
Hull City 3—3 Rochdale (P.S.O. — 1–3)
AND THEN, there were 32.
Let’s break it down.
5 Prem sides.
7 Champo sides.
8 League One sides.
3 League Two sides.
1 National League side.
1 Southern League Premier Division South side.
1 Northern Premier League Division One West side.
1 Eastern Counties League Division One North side.
1 North West Counties League Premier Division side.
3 Spartan South Midlands League Division One sides.
1 South West Peninsula League Premier Division West side.
There’s something in the water in the South Midlands. Then again, they are Spartans.
A quarter of the Prem sides remaining. As many League Two sides as the aforementioned Spartans.
Any victory now… For anyone… Has the potential to be the stuff of legend.
And the further down that pyramid you go, the more legendary you can be.
SEVENTH ROUND
Round of 32, let’s get it on.
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Wigan Athletic 1—5 Wycombe Wanderers
Shrewsbury Town 4—4 Charnock Richard (P.S.O. — 8–7)
Fought ’til the very end. ’Til next year, Richie.
Swansea City 7—1 FC Parson Drove
Dobwalls 0—3 Reading
Only Reading know where it is.
Barnet 1—6 Stoke City
Hartlepool United 1—2 Bolton Wanderers
Tottenham Hotspur 2—3 Sheffield Wednesday
What even is the Premier League?
West Brom 5—2 Penn & Tylers Green
West Ham United 2—2 Marine (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Middlesbrough 6—2 Blackburn Rovers
Wellingborough Whitworth 2—3 Blackpool
Southampton 0—2 Leyton Orient
They wanted one step further, they got four steps back.
Hendon 1—3 Accrington Stanley
Rochdale 1—3 Morecambe
Doncaster Rovers 2—1 Irchester United
Doncaster never say die.
Liverpool 5—1 Leeds United
Dang.
And just like that, those that might be described as non-league were non-FA Cup.
2 Prem sides. Liverpool seeing off Leeds, but Spurs and last season’s runners-up Southampton seen off by League One’s Sheffield Wednesday and League Two’s Leyton Orient, respectively.
6 Champo sides. Swans, Potters, Royals, Baggies, Boro, Tangerines.
That’s half the field. Which means…
7 League One sides. The majority. Some Stanley, some Shrimps, some Shrews… Some Rovers, some Owls, some Wanderers, and some Chairboys.
1 League Two side. Only O’s remain.
A dream hangs twisting in the wind… Disturbed by unseen forces.
Those are the dreams; the dreams of these sixteen.
EIGHTH ROUND
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Blackpool 0—2 Leyton Orient
Too many scalps. Proving truly that too much of anything is too much.
Liverpool 4—0 Sheffield Wednesday
West Brom 1—2 Bolton Wanderers
West Ham United 0—2 Stoke City
Doncaster Rovers 1—0 Reading
Swansea City 1—0 Wycombe Wanderers
Shrewsbury Town 6—1 Accrington Stanley
Morecambe 3—2 Middlesbrough
The Prem is halved. Down to a sole Scouse rep with three rounds to go.
The Champo sees four go down, with only two pressing on. One Swan still swimming, and one Potter still spinning.
League One is down to four, remaining the strength side despite three going dropping. Shrews, Shrimps, Rovers, and Wanderers persist.
And so do The O’s. League Two with as many reps as the top flight.
Much like last year, despite everyone starting at (pretty much) the same time, the finish contains those from the upper echelons of the pyramid. But not those from the tippity-top. I’ve no doubt Chelsea and Liverpool will deliver a cracker final, but what about seeing ’em play a ravenous Leyton Orient after a boisterous run? Could The Wanderers not redeem a defeat to The Potters? Shrimps could hop onto the Wembley barbie, Rovers could growl through, Swans can swaggeringly descend upon the capital, and they would all know…
That they’ve earned it.
But only two can dance the tango.
We go on.
We press.
QUARTER-FINALS
Nine rounds in now. Eight remain. Four berths. Wembley awaits.
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Stoke City 2—1 Bolton Wanderers
A famous semi-final now quartered, and the same outcome if not the same result.
Morecambe 1—1 Doncaster Rovers (P.S.O. — 4–3)
Scrapping at the bottom in one life, living the high one in the other.
Leyton Orient 2—3 Liverpool
Chased ’em, but the shine remains.
Swansea City 1—5 Shrewsbury
They barely score, and yet 11 in two games later, they’ve got a semi-final at Wembley.
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Stoke City. Morecambe. Liverpool. Shrewsbury.
League One maintains the majority stake, and the Prem holds on, but the Champo is halved.
Leyton Orient gave one hell of a show, but that League Two curtain has come down.
Liverpool might be aggrieved by more games, but now they can know that they earned it. Just as much as the other sides. And those other sides can know that they’ve stuck in a competition alongside the best.
Season scheduling wouldn’t benefit any of these teams at this point in the year, with each team playing between 50 and 55 roughly, but Liverpool would have a slight advantage in that arena that might still be taken away by jetlag.
What will the draw say though?
SEMI-FINALS
Tenth round and only four remain. What a journey. We’re at Wembley, but they all want two trips. Who’s gonna book another set of tickets?
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Shrewsbury Town 2—4 Stoke City
Morecambe 1—3 Liverpool
It’s the pyramid that tells.
League One seen off by Champo.
League One seen off by Prem.
Both The Shrews and The Shrimps have won hearts, but the final is on. Of the Championship, Stoke City will clash with the Premier League’s Liverpool. One stands as giants unhindered by any artificial standing and one stands under the arches with a correctly earned final.
And one, will be taking my FA Cup home.
THE TALE OF THE TAPE.
POTTERS
1x Runner-Up
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2nd Round — 7–0 vs. Potters Bar Town
3rd Round — 3–1 vs. Sleaford Town
4th Round — 3–1 vs. Sawbridgeworth Town
5th Round — 2–1 vs. Forest Green Rovers
6th Round — 3–1 vs. Tranmere Rovers
7th Round — 6–1 vs. Barnet
8th Round — 2–0 vs. West Ham
QF’s — 2–1 vs. Bolton Wanderers
SF’s —4–2 vs. Shrewsbury Town
Just the two clean sheets, but one came in the only other game in which they played top flight opposition. Add to that the fact that they’ve only conceded more than one in one game, and scored more than once in every game, and they look a good bet. Though that one game they conceded more than one in was the semi-final… And perhaps one game of top flight competition could prove too little.
REDS
7x Winners, 7x Runner-Up
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2nd Round — 5–3 vs. Mulbarton Wanderers
3rd Round — 4–1 vs. Barnton
4th Round — 2–0 vs. AFC Sudbury
5th Round — 3–1 vs. Sandbach United
6th Round —3–1 vs. Everton
7th Round — 5–1 vs. Leeds United
8th Round — 4–0 vs. Sheffield Wednesday
QF’s — 3–2 vs. Leyton Orient
SF’s — 3–1 vs. Morecambe
Like their opponents, two clean sheets in nine, but also like their opponents, scored more than once in every game. As we look closer, we see little differences though… Three conceded in one game against non-league opposition is a downside, but more experience against Prem opponents, including a derby, is an upside.
The scales are weighted ever so finely, the suits have been purchased, and the journeys made. They have solved the riddle, crossed the bridge, and ducked the deadly traps, now… The holy grail awaits.
FINAL
Stoke City 1—5 Liverpool
Just as Villa bagged their eighth last year, Liverpool have done so this.
Lemme tell ya, it was back and forth, moreso than it looked, and when Stoke took the lead through Lewis Baker after a well-worked move and twenty minutes of neat pressure, there were a lot of doubts from that Liverpool side. Firmino would douse those with a double before half-time, and although Stoke would continue to press, hitting the post five times in the second-half, Liverpool would stand resolute, and a Sadio Mane brace as well as a Curtis Jones driller made a competitive game look more one-sided than it was.
This could be reality, but in reality, there will always be a voice telling me that they didn’t earn it. In this reality, I can say congratulations to Jurgen Klopp and Liverpool for winning this fictional tournament.
Not your, but My FA Cup winners, LIVERPOOL.
Woop. There it is.
I forgot how long this took me last year.
It was only once I got all the seeds written out and made the first three matches that it dawned on me how long it was gonna take, so once again, I understand why the FA might not wanna do this, but maybe they have quicker ways around things than I do.
It does make me think ‘was it worth it’?
My answer is probably no, but then I picture it in real life.
Everyone level. The communist competition of football. I imagine those Merthyr Town players as old men telling their kids how they outplayed the champions of Europe. Cole Stockton holding court in the pub as he tells of the time he was one kick away from an FA Cup Final.
I imagine the country raising a pint for Gedling Miners Welfare! Or Irchester, or desiring the Redcar Derby like no-one ever has before, maybe even buying a ticket and rocking up to see those sides in the hope that it one day might happen.
Two Prem sides were left in the round of sixteen. When does that happen? Sure, the rest were EFL sides, but that’s just the roll of the dice. Goliath remains the same a lot of the time, David is often recast — and we get right behind him each time.
The playing field is levelled that little bit more, and it’s a little bit more that could help a lot. Wellingborough Whitworth were two games away from Wembley. Magic.
I mean, I could’ve turned it right around; have Prem sides play in the First Round, then add in Championship sides for Round Two, and so on, and so on, until the 26th Round sees the Stroud and District League join the fray.
Maybe that’s another tournament for another day. Now for a copy-paste section from last year because it tracks.
‘Is My FA Cup realistic?
Nah, probably not. As I mentioned, I ain’t sure why it’s not, probably somet with money, but it’s not realistic.
I was adding this up in my head.
In a regular season, Accrington Stanley of League One will play an average of 57 games (46 league games, 5 EFL Trophy games, 2 EFL Cup games, and 4 FA Cup games), sometimes more, sometimes less, but that’s their average.
Liverpool, a club worth over 100 times as much, with players being paid 100 times more will play an average of 54 games (38 league, 3 EFL Cup, 3 FA Cup, 10 Champions League).
Even if Liverpool reach the finals of all their tournaments, they play 63.
Even if Accrington get knocked out in the first round of everything, they play 51.
With all their resources, the Premier League champions, at most, will have to play 12 more games than Accrington Stanley.
On average, Stanley, just up the road, are playing more.
And that’s more and more the further down the pyramid you go.
Makes sense right? The fewer your resources, the more you need to use them.
So why don’t we give Stanley a break? You might have an injury crisis, Jürgen, and you might have to fly about a bit more, but somet tells me you got what you need to deal with it. And if you don’t, you probably should.
So yeah, let’s give Stanley a break, but let’s give ’em all a break. Burscough, AFC Totten, Harleston Town, Newent Town, Cheshunt, Okehampton Argyle, and of course, Mousehole and Cheddar. All of ‘em.
Let’s give them lot a bigger slice of the pie, huh?
And let’s not stop at the tenth rung. School teams, five-a-sides, table football players, darts teams, or just you and your mates can enter. Make it an invitational, make it everyone’s cup.
If it’s for grassroots, it’s for the people.
But that’s just my FA Cup, and that’s how I’d do it.’
Yeah, it still tracks.
Keep it streets ahead,
C.L.R.
